Confessing a Failure
 

So, I screwed up big time yesterday. All week, I had been eating to stave off stress, but yesterday I ate far too many calories for a sensible person.

While working (I'm on a deadline and really stressed out), I started to think about something about which I have zero control and which really freaks me out (estranged husband has been making vague threats of violence and, much as I hope that it's just angry talk, there's a part of me that is terrified that he will hurt my family; it's an ongoing thing, but it's got me more shaken than I expected; he used to be the only safe place in my world and now it's him that I'm worried about, so nothing feels right). Once the thought was in my mind, I couldn't stop freaking out about it, got really scared, and had a full on panic attack (asthma, anxiety, inability to calm down) for like an hour (I'm going through some kind of trauma disorder as a result of some stuff that happened, not actual violence, but the threat of it). I needed to get the feelings out of my head, so I tried watching a tv show. It took me several hours on netflix to calm down, but during that time, I ordered a small thin crust pizza and ate the entire thing! I know it was spaced over about eight hours, so it wasn't like I scarfed down an entire pizza in one sitting, but, it was still a bad thing to do and it felt like a failure. With the carbs in my system and enough distraction for both tastebuds and brain, I was able to stop freaking out after several hours, but did so basically by shutting down and tuning out.

All day, I'd been exercising during breaks (Work 1.5 hours, Exercise .5 hours, repeat), but this was still a complete failure on my part and I've woken up feeling completely ashamed.

I don't know what I hope to gain by confessing my failure, maybe just staying accountable. Maybe I just want to hear if any of you have ever given in despite your own desire for control and regretted it and how you forgave yourselves for it the next day. I'm trying to remember that today is just a new day and hope that even if I panic about something today, I won't try to sedate my body with carbs again.

I totally agree! It's just one day, one pizza, and under very special circumstances. Water under the bridge. Try to focus on the real problem here, which is the relationship with your (ex?) husband, the way to stave off violence and your panic attacks. Look after yourself...!

peachypeg -- I don't think it's anything more than angry talk, certainly not enough for a restraining order; it's more that I'm reacting strongly because I'm going through some mild PTSD-like symptoms. I don't have many friends around here where I am at present, none that I could really call about a panic attack. I feel very much like I've failed by eating for emotional reasons, but you are right that beating myself up over it isn't going to be helpful.

inglesita -- Good point. If I get caught up in being upset about my poor coping mechanisms, I won't deal with the real issues. I'm sort of on overdrive about everything these days and so even my guilty feelings feel magnified. I guess that reality check is in order. :)

Today, I got back to tracking my calories and I'm under 1300. Not quite my goal; I was aiming for under 1050, but it isn't too bad overall. I think I just need to keep track more often and deliberately find better coping mechanisms.