I Can't Go Through This Again

  • Alright.... I have posted here in support of many who have an ED... I myself am a recovering bulimic, who sees herself in a downhill spiral and need some help to stop it.

    Here is my story... I am a 32 year old mother of 2, I am a full time student, work part time and take care of my home mostly on my own because DD, DS and DH don't know how to do a #)($# thing around the house. I have had an ED since I was about 14.... I maintained about 125-135 most of my teen years at 5'8 I thought that was huge, I always thought that since I wasn't a size 1,2,3,4, or 5 I was a monster. I had a family full of tiny little people who all looked like they walked out of vogue and I felt like I came out of Geeks of America. Well I look back on that and realize that being encourage to diet at 12, 13, and 14 when I didn't need to lose weight gave me a really skewed few of what I was suppose to look like. Well, besides having a ton of screwy relationships during HS and after, I was left with a self esteem of a salted slug and a really bad body image.

    After I broke up with my HS sweetheart after 2 and 1/2 years, I went through a major anorexic battle and dropped about 20 pounds, I was the smallest I had ever been, but my brain and my body were not on the same page... I got in to a rebound/spite relationship and became pregnant well I regained the weight I lost and an additional almost 70 pound topping the scales at a grand total of 205 pounds and as insane as it may seem this actually saved me because I was on a down hill slide to suicide and my son gave me the reason to live I needed. Well, I got back down to 140 pounds, I was comfortable and happy with this weight, my boyfriend and I broke up amiably and I proceeded on with my life. I dated a few guys got involved with some real losers and proceeded to goof up my life well I at 21 I got preggers again with my second child, I found out after I got preggers that the wonderful man I was with was a drug dealer and had not once but twice endangered my son by having him at the scene of drug deals and having drugs on him while my son was with him.... well I sent him on his merry way and again I was alone... My son's father and I got back together and I was alright until I started getting big again. I was so freaked out that he was going to leave me because I was getting fat I started to purge... I didn't binge I just abused laxatives and vomited up everything I ate in an attempt to not gain weight.. this worked in reverse and it makes sense now- that when you deplete your protein stores and have nothing to keep your fluids where they are suppose to be you just gain fluid and gain fluid and gain fluid and I was a very very sick girl when my daughter was born. Fortunately my daughter was a healthy 9pounds9ounces and I was a huge 215 pound of fluid when she came. I managed to get back down to 140-145 in a few months and managed to control my purging most of the time. My husband and I got married and I have had several miscarriages since then. I have had horrible reactions to them and I eventually sought help about 5 years ago for the ED and my depression. I was diagnosed with OCD and went through several months of counceling and medication therapy. I waited several years before I tried to diet and was close to 190 when I found a diet plan that I could work with and feel like I was tricking myself into losing weight without getting back in to the habits of binge/purge... I lost down to 140's and did fine until the last year. I went back to college and over this past year I have gained almost 30 pounds back... I started working really hard in January to lose it again and I just can't seem to get back into any kind of pattern except a bad one. I am having a really hard time managing my portions and when I don't I have a harder time managing not purging.

    I can not do this again... I found out last year I have a valve defect that causes problems with my excercise and I just can't seem to motivate myself to do any thing but the ole just puke keeps popping in my head. I have to physically force myself out of the isle with laxatives on it and making myself not buy diet supplements is almost impossible... I really don't know what to do, I can't afford therapy right now and with this being my last semester of college, I graduate with my RN in May ... I can't get on anything that is going to make me sleepy or cause me to zone...

    I really need help any suggestion?

    Amy
  • Hi Amy! It sounds that you are having some pretty hard times right now. I really don't know what kind of advise I can give but would you consider going to an OA meeting? It may not be official therapy but maybe just addressing the issue and not isolating would help a bit. Keep writing about it here too. I don't do much journaling here anymore but I still keep a handwritten one.

    It sounds like you have a lot of stressors in your life right now too. I'm assuming that your husband is aware of your ed maybe he could help or at least put your mind at ease that if you gain weight he'll leave you.

    I hope things get better for you. Please take care and hang in there, you kept me plugging away at this many a times so you hang in there too.

    runnergirl
  • Hello Amy...
    My heart just aches for you. I have never admitted that I struggle with bulemia in public before. Your letter gave me the strength to do so. There has been so much sorrow in your life, I wish I could just embrace you and somehow ease the pain.

    I really admire that you are protective of your children and I bet you are a great and fun mommy too. I would just like to share a wee bit of my story.
    I'm also a nurse and congratulate you for joining our ranks. There is a similarity in our childhoods, I was chubby and also had 3 gorgous slim sisters. They could be quite harsh with their comment about my size. So I always felt fat and ugly, still do most of the time. I did the diet yo-yo thing forever, as you know that will never work. Recently I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer, I've had both boobs removed and now have lymphoma. During my first chemo I had a lot of nausea and vomiting. This was the trigger for a huge period of purging. Ironically my drugs made me gain weight at a alarming rate ( lots of steroids ). I found myself purging after almost every meal. Everyone thought it was the chemo so I could be quite public about it. It has been 2 years since my lastI V chemo sessions ( I'll always be on lower dose daily meds,) and I still occasionally purge. My onocologist has suggested I go on a low Carbohydrate program. In just a few months I am down 25 lbs, but more importantly I feel so much better and more in control. I've started going to a cancer support group which really helps as well. There is a lot of discussion about body image and it seems like everyone hates things about their bodies...Hee Hee We are more normal then we think.

    I have no magic pill or genie to help you. But I do have a compassionate heart and a willing spirit to offer a wee bit of advice. I think you should recognize some of the wonderful areas of success in your life. You have done some great things and obviously have a heart to help others. Please bring some of that same love and kindness into your own life. You are a special gal and just the fact that you were born is a miracle!! Just try to focus on each day and moment. Let go of failures in the past, acknowledge past moments you are proud of, but let them go... Be in this moment. Do the day!!! This is how I live my life now and I can't tell you how happy I am. I tell people how I feel and if I appreciate them I tell them now. If they have hurt me I tell them in that moment. I live in much more truth. Your message has inspired me to even more truth and I thank you for that.
    I think runnergirl had some very good advice. Find a support group. Ther are lots of free one's out there. You need the feedback and opportunity to share your story and inspire others. You are in my prayers Amy... Please be well... Lori
  • Thank you guys for posting....

    Runner ~ it sounds like you are doing so much better, I am so glad for you. Thank you so much for your thoughts... it is a good idea, there are bulimia and anorexia help groups here, I hadn't thought about that and the college has an eating disorder help center....

    Grin ~ I appreciate your words of kindness... it is sweet to hear such inspiring words. Most people just tell you to suck it up, or like me... I am firm believer in therapy and medication I just can not afford either right now. I hate to hear how much you have been through, but you seem to be doing so well and are so put together.

    Thanks again guys...

    Yesterday was a way bad day... I started to journal and I did really well up until yesterday. I got home from clinical I was tired and hungry and just had the overall munchy fiend thing going so I made a 5 pack of grands biscuits (5 biscuits not five cans of biscuits) and ate them all with butter.... Then I felt guilty and I had to throw up. Can't deal Really Can't deal with this creeping back up. It is like I don't realize it is happening, until after I do it and then I feel bad for doing it but then I think I would feel worse I hadn't..... It has been 5 years of bulimia free and the last month has been a bugger. I think I may cry....

    Today is a new day and I don't feel purgy today... maybe that is a good sign?

    Amy
  • Amy... forget about the biscuits. That incident is already in the past. Acknowledge that you are not pleased with that behavoir. Learn from it and let it go. Isn't it amazing how disconnected we can become from our purging sessions. I am feeling more and more in control each day. Somehow having cancer has really forced me to evaluate my faith. I am learning to believe there is a higher power. Even if this power is a bit undefined for me right now. I do believe in lifeforce and have had many incidents in my nursing career that nudged me to accept there is a future for us once we die. I worked several years with hospice settings. Oops I seem to be digressing My point is that once I starting letting go of the control I thought I had over my illness, everything started to get better. I've asked the lifeforce to do the worry thing for me and just infuse me daily with the energy and love that I need. Even my lab results are improving. I do the practical things to stay as healthy as I can ( take my meds, vitamins and spend time with my friends etc.) but really have let most of the fear drift away. I have a impression that you also believe in a higher power. How could anyone in the heathcare field not... Perhaps if you try to connect with this area of your heart things will improve for you. This is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give yourself . I hear you about the costs of therapy. My college had a free program for students. My cancer support group is also free. I'm sure if you do a little research there will be help that you can access. Don't give up on yourself Amy. You are a precious and unique daughter of the universe. You deserve to be well. You remain in my thoughts and prayers...Lori
  • Things are better this week... eating better... haven't had a purge episode since last week. Got some reasonable goals set for the week, I am going to do this week to week for a while...