feels pretty much like a demon
 

I haven't introduced myself on the forum, but I lurked a bit un-registered and registered eventually, but today I kind of just fell apart. In highschool I would eat and throw up. In college, same thing. Its like this small secret part of me I don't let anyone know about. Its a stupid thing and I usually gain control over it. I know that its the actions leading up to the process that I have to curb to be able to not feel the guilt associated with eating that much.

I literally sat on the couch for 2 years. I was in a relationship where I felt like he really didn't care. He's my best friend now, but he is my biggest enabler. If I ask him for anything, he makes sure that I get it. He never says no to me. I know its because he feels guilty. For 2 years every night he would make me a sandwich and a side and that was all I ate, but I didn't move. I was just this ball of depression. I decided that this year, even if I didn't get everything done I would change. I got up and I said this is the year. I've lost weight, I've cleaned up, I am getting my life back and part of that is getting my license.

I have taken the test twice now, Last week, I failed because of parallel parking. This week, I failed because I'm an idiot and didn't completely stop at a stop sign. Last week, I got fast food, but I handled it ok. This week I knew I shoudln't do it, but I did it anyway, except this week even though my body told myself I was full I kept eating. I ate until I had finished everything and then its like this demon inside of me just rationalizes making myself throw up. I did it and I got rid of it, but I can't do that. I have always been able to hide it because I never hold myself accountable with anyone else. I can't do that. I have one friend who knows, but I'm just too embarrassed to tell him. I'm afraid he'll just walk out because it makes him mad that I could do something harmful to myself. Even then He's not available to talk to lately, because he's busy.

I just feel like I'm terrified that no matter what this will always be a part of me. The weight is coming off, I do enjoy working out, I love eating healthy, but when something doesn't go my way I want to drown in food. I want it all to just make me feel full because then maybe I feel like I'm not so alone in everything I do. I don't hold back anything emotion wise, I've always let it out but sometimes that is not enough. I have begged my friend/roomate to say no to me, so hopefully he helps. Its ultimately up to me, and I know that. I have to be able to resist that food, resist those actions but its a comfort and control that is really hard to let go of sometimes. When everything else is helter skelter and I can't keep anything together, I have that. I don't know.

I'm sorry if its completely out of line to post such a topic, or post without introducing myself. Hi, I'm La.

Hi La, welcome! I'm new too. I know where you are coming from because I've dealt with the same struggles. It's been two and a half years since I last B&P but sometimes its still a struggle when I get to full. The issue is partially that when you are so full your stomach already wants to empty itself and so it's easy for the mind to rationalize it. That's how I started. Now, if I'm at that painfully full point I force myself to wait it out. It gets easier over time.

You're right that addressing what causes you to binge is ultimately what needs to happen. I'm at that point too. I can only recognize some of my triggers. Like for me, boredom, shame, and depression are my biggest binge triggers. If I'm having a bad day and I don't feel like I like myself very much then I know I can't go to the store or else I will buy a lot of food to binge on.

I think a good first step would be to journal after binges. Then, when you are in a better mood and have a clearer mind, read through your recent entries and see if you can find similarities. That's a good way I found to identify some triggers. After you've discovered your triggers then you can start to recognize when you're about to binge and try to stop before eating. Much easier said than done, I'm still working at it. And even though I know what I'm saying is rational now, when I'm on the verge of bingeing I might as well be saying that cows lay eggs. It's a process.

Thank you. I feel less defeated today after some shopping and a lot of gym time. It helps just getting it out I think. When I give in I feel so weak, it destroys me for a few days. I guess its all in how I get back to it, and not so much in the fall.