I ate myself (literally) sick this weekend. I didn't plan to eat to that point of course, and I'm hardly proud of it. But eat I did, to the point of fullness, then over-fullness, then illness. This isn't a normal pattern of behavior for me and I'm not truly worried about making it a habit, but what I'm trying to do now is learn from it.
I know - sort of - why I did it: I have let certain stresses, anxieties, and emotions build up past the point where I could endure them. I grew up overweight and have always been to some extent, an emotional overeater, with occasional bouts of binging in my past. I've never eaten myself sick though. In this case, I think my "new" body, used to healthy foods and measured portions, just couldn't take what I was doing to it and rebelled.
Here's where I'm puzzled, though. Why in the world does an intelligent, reasonable adult choose something that will cause physical and emotional pain and discomfort? I mean, for real! This morning I feel terrible - I have a headache, my stomach lurches at the thought of food (I've been able to munch on some toast and will try a banana later), and in my head I feel annoyed with myself. After all, I still have the same stresses and anxieties, but now I have to deal with them while feeling yucky.
Isn't there something to be said for aversion therapy? You'd think that I'd never be interested in cookies and ice cream again, and while that's true now, I bet I could eat some tomorrow or the next day, if given the opportunity. I can't let myself, of course, but I don't think that desire is going to go away because of this experience.
So that's my question - Why do we choose a coping mechanism that is bad for us? And how can we choose better coping mechanisms in the future? (And by "we" I mean "me"!!!)
This is a really interesting question--because I've done the same thing, although I've done it multiple times. So that whole part where you'd think I had "learned" from that experience mystifies me. I've spent a lot of time in therapy looking at why *I* engage in this behavior, and for me, it was a product of a long time of deprivation, followed by feeling the need to "punish" myself with a binge. Even though those thoughts are no longer how I feel about myself, those patterns and that behavior still lingers. I don't know that I'll ever know why, but what I do know is the red flags, and what actions I have to take in order to choose different, more productive behavior.
I'm really interested to see what other people say, because if I had a nickle for everytime after a binge I said, "ugh this is awful...never again", I'd be a very rich lady!
Why in the world does an intelligent, reasonable adult choose something that will cause physical and emotional pain and discomfort?
Good question! This really made me think. I am an emotional eater and you mentioned that you have been as well at times, so (if you are like me) I know all too well that I think food is a friend, a companion, something that will make me feel better...even though it actually makes me feel horrible when I eat too much of it. I compare it to drinking. Someone who is an emotional drinker may have 2 or 3 drinks to get rid of what they are feeling, but then they are feeling so good after those first few drinks that they just keep drinking and drinking... and the next day brings along puking, hangovers, and headaches. Not fun. I choose this bad coping mechanism because it is an easy (at the time) and delicious solution for the moment. It's the aftermath that leaves me feeling even crappier than I did before! How do we choose a different coping mechanism? It's hard. I try my best to work through feelings, but I'm always concerned that something is going to happen to cause me to my emotional eating. I hope you feel better...it's no fun being sick from food.
Wow, JenMusic. You really put into words the feelings I've been having lately. You got a bit deeper into the questions I've been trying to ask myself. This is exactly the question I want answered.
My circumstances are different than yours. Like paperdollme, I struggled with these behaviors on too many occasions. I should say *struggle* not struggled So b/c I obviously don't have an answer to this question, Paperdollme, what I would like to ask is this. When you say, what I do know is the red flags, and what actions I have to take in order to choose different, more productive behavior.... what are these? What are your red flags, and what actions do you take to behave differently? B/c I think I am relating to you a lot today, lol, in several posts, maybe you can give me more insight? If you don't mind sharing more about you?
I suppose if I had to answer the question today about myself, why I behave this way when I know it's so destructive, I can only say this: I have a need to be on the outside what I picture in my head as 'the best me.' Though my intentions are good in the beginning, I get so involved in creating that 'me', that I lose sight of what's healthy. I can go to such extremes, say if I want to lose weight, I won't eat at all. (bad behavior #1) Or if I want to get a toned body, gain muscle, I can over exercise (bad behavior #2). At some point I lose control, get tired, feel like I'm failing, or feel like I'm at the point I've been trying to get to and b/c I've been working so hard I sort of let myself off the hook & shoot to the other extreme (binging, bad behavior #3). And if and when the guilt sets in after a binge, well, bad behavior #4. And then there's addiction. I do believe I'm addicted to food and sometimes use food as a drug (bad behavior #5 - over eating/all day eating).
So, why do I do what I do when I know better? I don't know which of these is the answer for me, or if they all are, and I don't know what the root of it is, but what I get out of what I just wrote is-
~a need to be in control
~panic
~a loss of control
~guilt
~fear of failure
~addiction
~laziness or a sense of entitlement?
...? I guess all of these reasons can be more important to me than health.
Wow, you now know more about me than some of my IRL friends!
Be kind to yourself. I am the same and have had come to the realization that like you I am an emotional eater. It's ok, it's an addiction really to numb our feelings. Intuitive eating and being mindful has really helped, it's almost like you have to be aware of the moment you are stuffing those chips in your mouth as you gaze at the TV. Just realize your doing it and be KIND to yourself. Say "Ok, I know I'm stufifng my face, it's ok, this is how I'm coping right now" Repeat this and you may start to notice you don't want to eat it anymore and if you do, then just do it. I believe the break in the cycle of emotional eating is to nurture and love yourself even when you fail. Tell yourself it's ok, it's what you needed to do and you will try to be aware of the triggers that got you there first. I realized a lot of my triggers came from my childhood. It's a process like any other but the key is to be good to you. It will deiminish those negative thoughts in your head that tell you that something is wrong with you, you have to switch it to awareness. It takes time and practice but you'll get there. It's ok. I've done it too, as emotional eater we just need new tools to cope. And become aware of how your feeling while your eating, that's helped me too. Listen to your body and how you feel in your body. Don't be so hard on you, your doing great! We slip, it happens, the important thing is that your learning about your emotional eating and your willing to change it. That alone will lead to success.
Wow, JenMusic. You really put into words the feelings I've been having lately. You got a bit deeper into the questions I've been trying to ask myself. This is exactly the question I want answered.
My circumstances are different than yours. Like paperdollme, I struggled with these behaviors on too many occasions. I should say *struggle* not struggled So b/c I obviously don't have an answer to this question, Paperdollme, what I would like to ask is this. When you say, what I do know is the red flags, and what actions I have to take in order to choose different, more productive behavior.... what are these? What are your red flags, and what actions do you take to behave differently? B/c I think I am relating to you a lot today, lol, in several posts, maybe you can give me more insight? If you don't mind sharing more about you?
I suppose if I had to answer the question today about myself, why I behave this way when I know it's so destructive, I can only say this: I have a need to be on the outside what I picture in my head as 'the best me.' Though my intentions are good in the beginning, I get so involved in creating that 'me', that I lose sight of what's healthy. I can go to such extremes, say if I want to lose weight, I won't eat at all. (bad behavior #1) Or if I want to get a toned body, gain muscle, I can over exercise (bad behavior #2). At some point I lose control, get tired, feel like I'm failing, or feel like I'm at the point I've been trying to get to and b/c I've been working so hard I sort of let myself off the hook & shoot to the other extreme (binging, bad behavior #3). And if and when the guilt sets in after a binge, well, bad behavior #4. And then there's addiction. I do believe I'm addicted to food and sometimes use food as a drug (bad behavior #5 - over eating/all day eating).
So, why do I do what I do when I know better? I don't know which of these is the answer for me, or if they all are, and I don't know what the root of it is, but what I get out of what I just wrote is-
~a need to be in control
~panic
~a loss of control
~guilt
~fear of failure
~addiction
~laziness or a sense of entitlement?
...? I guess all of these reasons can be more important to me than health.
Wow, you now know more about me than some of my IRL friends!
Hey Skinny--So, I'll try and answer as best I can. Just for reference, I have a history of eating disorders that spans the last ten years of my life. I'll be 26 years old in September.
In terms of red flags--for me its thoughts, not behaviors, because my behaviors are always a manifestation of those initial thoughts. To put it plainly, any thought that rings the bell of "extreme" is a red flag thought. And also "I Must, or Else" statements. For example: "I must do 90 minutes of cardio every day, or else I'll get fat." Ok, clearly, that isn't true, and I know this because, it hasn't happened in the past. I haven't missed a day of exercise and suddenly, oh gosh, I'm fat! So, I know it's not true. I also know this is a red flag thought because the statement is extreme in itself--I mean, 90 minutes or else? I *know* its irrational, but that doesn't mean the feelings of anxiety and panic aren't real to me.
In terms of how I've managed the anxiety and panic--honest to god practice. Letting myself have a rest day from exercise, and seeing that it doesn't end in disaster. Letting myself have a cookie or two, and seeing I won't balloon up over night. I think what I've realized is: my unhealthy behaviors were predictable, even if they were uncomfortable, I knew what would happen next so I continued to do them. That eased the anxiety for me. This is going to sound crazy, but it is scarier for me, to eat on plan, and exercise moderately, than to have a complete all out binge and be a couch potato. You know why? Because I can expect that after a binge I'll feel like crap, I'll hate myself for being weak, I'll gain weight. I've really had to practice sitting with bad feelings even after a day, or a week, or a month on plan and making the connection that "perfectly on plan, does NOT mean perfect life. I may be perfectly on plan (or close to) and still have a day where I feel like I'll never be good enough in my own skin. And in the past, I'd have binged that feeling away because I felt like I deserved it.
I think the best thing you can do to start to identify "red flag" thoughts or behaviors is to journal. It's really been the only thing for me that has helped me see really clearly cause and effect in my thoughts and behaviors.
Sorry this got so long winded--I hope it helps. I think what I'd want you, or anyone, to take away from this is that it does take some "thinking about what you think about" to make sense of it all--but there is a way forward, and that slipping up doesn't mean starting over. You've still got a lot of tools in your belt that help you recover from those slips when you've done the work to find out the why for your certain behaviors.
Here's where I'm puzzled, though. Why in the world does an intelligent, reasonable adult choose something that will cause physical and emotional pain and discomfort?
I think for some of us, including me, while the physical pain and shame of binging until we suffer physical pain is still preferable to dealing with emotional pain/emptiness/loneliness that we're escaping from.
And then, at least for me, it became a habit.
But at first--having grown up in a very controlled household, it was the one thing I could control, it gave me a lot of pleasure during (until reaching the discomfort point) that frankly I did not get most any other time. Then it was a way that I could "stuff" down anger/fear/rage and prevent myself from saying things I wanted to say (don't we all have those moments?) but couldn't/wouldn't. Food didn't reject me. I could pick out my own food. I loved the taste and the feeling (until the the 'bad threshold'). It was my time. Mine, mine, mine--NOBODY to stop me, control me, nobody to take anything away from me. Mine. My secret.
To me, it makes a lot of sense. Then again, I know that I have an eating disorder so OF COURSE it makes sense *to me*, if it didn't I wouldn't be doing it.
Dealing with the emotions I'm trying to run away from (from the profound to the silly) sucks. Trying to make new pathways to deal with it sucks. However, I just want to be at peace with myself, so I'm willing to put in the work, one hour at a time if I have to. It is not easy, and I'm not (and couldn't) doing it alone. But I'm doing it.
On more than one occasion this weekend, I ate past the full point.
Like you, I feel that I am a somewhat intelligent and reasonable adult. It does not make one shred of sense to enjoy something to the point that it is no longer enjoyable..... but, I haven't got an explanation for it, either.
In the simplest terms, for me, indulgent food is associated with comfort, relaxation, happiness. I also just really love food, and think it's super fun to scout out new restaurants, neighborhoods, hidden ethnic gems, etc. It's a big part of my social life. Therefore, its very hard for me to avoid it completely.
I have no idea WHY I did it. My stomach was actually hurting. It's so weird.
Everyone who has posted so far is right, though-- we have to step back and look at what we felt or thought at the time, and continue to try and change it when each challenge arises. Enjoying the taste of cupcakes is one thing, but enjoying it so much that you eat them until your belly hurts is quite another. It's just scratching the surface, but we have to start somewhere.
Thanks for all the thoughts, everyone. It's interesting to hear how this affects all of us in ways that are similar and yet also different.
Control, I believe, is a big part of it for me. Maybe I want to be out of control? Maybe being out of control in this situation is actually a way to control something? That doesn't even make sense, I know, except it does to me.
I have been thinking of seeing a counselor about some other things that my weight loss has brought to the fore, and I think this past weekend has given me another nudge in that direction. I need some better ways to handle my emotions - most of the time I'm fine, but these past couple of months have been unusually tumultuous and I just haven't been prepared to deal with things in a healthy way.
Thanks for all the thoughts, everyone. It's interesting to hear how this affects all of us in ways that are similar and yet also different.
Control, I believe, is a big part of it for me. Maybe I want to be out of control? Maybe being out of control in this situation is actually a way to control something? That doesn't even make sense, I know, except it does to me.
I have been thinking of seeing a counselor about some other things that my weight loss has brought to the fore, and I think this past weekend has given me another nudge in that direction. I need some better ways to handle my emotions - most of the time I'm fine, but these past couple of months have been unusually tumultuous and I just haven't been prepared to deal with things in a healthy way.
Jen--I don't know if you've ever seen a therapist before, but I'd highly recommend it. The longer I did therapy, the more I realized I just needed a place to talk, and get some feedback. I'd let all those feelings and emotions from day to day life just sit inside and fester. I'd feel like I wasn't up to the task, or wasn't going to preform, or be able to deal with my husband, family, peers....and it all came out in food. Restricting, or binging. And I had a total a-ha moment when I realized that yes, therapy was teaching me better ways to manage my feelings when I want to binge, but more importantly, it was giving me an outlet which was part of the equation for me not needing/wanting to binge.
Head hunger is different food -- chewy crunchies like chips.
But stuffing down emotions to not feel them...
... or to push them down into the body to reassert control of something uncontrollable (ie: strong emotion/reaction to something) -- that's emotional eating.
I really got a lot out of "Life is Hard, Food is Easy." You can read a lot in the preview on more head hunger vs heart hunger stuff.
You may want to check that out and see a counselor.
I also got a lot out of remembering "Look! I can't help what I feel when I'm feeling it. It's like the weather! It comes up and just...IS. But I CAN control how I react to it."
Getting comfortable with just feeling whatever it was? That was a big step for me. Even getting comfortable feeling uncomfortable --- angry, stressy, frustrated, being assertive but not aggressive, dealing with confrontation, conflict, etc.
I also learned to better read my internal emotional weather channel. If it looked like it may rain, I got the raincoat handy -- did NOT overschedule myself, hang out with triggering people etc.
I think for some of us, including me, while the physical pain and shame of binging until we suffer physical pain is still preferable to dealing with emotional pain/emptiness/loneliness that we're escaping from.And then, at least for me, it became a habit.
But at first--having grown up in a very controlled household, it was the one thing I could control, it gave me a lot of pleasure during (until reaching the discomfort point) that frankly I did not get most any other time. Then it was a way that I could "stuff" down anger/fear/rage and prevent myself from saying things I wanted to say (don't we all have those moments?) but couldn't/wouldn't. Food didn't reject me. I could pick out my own food. I loved the taste and the feeling (until the the 'bad threshold'). It was my time. Mine, mine, mine--NOBODY to stop me, control me, nobody to take anything away from me. Mine. My secret.
To me, it makes a lot of sense. Then again, I know that I have an eating disorder so OF COURSE it makes sense *to me*, if it didn't I wouldn't be doing it.
Dealing with the emotions I'm trying to run away from (from the profound to the silly) sucks. Trying to make new pathways to deal with it sucks. However, I just want to be at peace with myself, so I'm willing to put in the work, one hour at a time if I have to. It is not easy, and I'm not (and couldn't) doing it alone. But I'm doing it.
this is exactly what happens to me. i stuff down my emotions, instead of telling to people what i think and dealing with them i ignore them and use food as a conslation. also when i don't have nothing to do i can become hungry even if i had just eaten.i know it's a false hunger but i still do.
Jen - I think some counseling would be great to get out some stuff and see how it feels plus get some input on life coping strategies. As to the question of why intelligent people do painful things like that - I think it is the same reason people drink to excess and do drugs, etc. Some of us, especially those who used food as our first coping skill, just are wired to take that route without conscious thought. Changing the underlying way we react is tough, maybe tougher than the act of weightloss - good luck and hugs to you.
Thanks, everyone! I have to head out in the door in a second, but I just wanted to let you all know that I so appreciate the support and help and listening ears. It means a lot to know that people care and understand.
I have been feeling much better since Monday, and have a recommendation for a counselor. I'm traveling right now, but will call when I get back into town.
Choosing a destructive coping mechanism
So b/c I obviously don't have an answer to this question, Paperdollme, what I would like to ask is this. When you say, what I do know is the red flags, and what actions I have to take in order to choose different, more productive behavior.... what are these? What are your red flags, and what actions do you take to behave differently? B/c I think I am relating to you a lot today, lol, in several posts, maybe you can give me more insight? If you don't mind sharing more about you?
