[swtbttrfly23]

I had a weird moment(s) yesterday, and I wanted to share, in order to gain any insight from the masses! For the last few weeks I've been calorie counting again. This time though, I raised my calories by a couple hundred, and I stopped doing low-carb/high-protein/whatever (just aiming to keep a good balance). I'm just counting out my calories and limiting them, not cutting anything out of my diet really, and working in the things I want--no weird deprivation for me this time. And for the most part I've been quite happy with how it's going. I did go off-track a couple times the first week (I'm chalking it up to quitting smoking again and TOM hitting at the same time). I also am making a point of it now NOT to make myself feel all guilty when I do go off. Just accepting the behaviour and getting back on the horse. Mess up and I still gotta move on, and in general I'm feeling pretty good.

Well, yesterday was weird. I went out to a late lunch/early supper with my friend, to a favorite location of ours. I was actually pretty proud of myself, ordered a slice of homemade meatloaf (stuffed with veggies, so delish!) and as my sides I had a salad, cup of split pea soup, and a cup of fruit. Not bad considering what I've ordered before. I made a point of ordering well so that I wouldn't feel like I'd just thrown the whole day away, but I still got that feeling. It was like eating out brought back all these old feelings where I just assumed the day was screwed, so I might as well binge! I found myself driving home and thinking about what I was going to get from McDonald's, thinking about what I was going to pile in for the rest of the day. And then I started to just confuse myself:

"Wait," I said, "I am not actually hungry! And I was careful, I could probably just log the food normally and be fine for the day."
"But wait," my brain/stomache said, "you probably are over anyway, so why not take the opportunity to splurge a bit! You can hit the dollar store first and get a bunch of junk, then hit up McDonald's (don't forget dessert!) and just hang out in your room and watch a movie with your food."

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn't really want to take the opportunity to go crazy, like before. It was a perfect excuse that I've used so many times before, and instead of jumping at the chance I was really struggling with it. It was like I was realizing that I don't need to do that anymore, but it was a knee-jerk reaction, a built-in habit. My instinct was telling me to go for it like I had so many other times ("You can start fresh tomorrow and be really good!") but a huge part of my was telling me that I didn't need it anymore, that I don't need to keep thinking this way. If I can essentially have anything I want, why do I need to pack it all in this evening? I ended up letting my old habits get some of the best of me, I did get some junk food, albeit a small bag and a small pack of cookies, and I did have McDonald's for dinner. But I actually do feel guilty for not listening to the part of me that didn't really want to do that. I purposefully denied that, and now I feel bad, not about the food, but about going against what I knew I really wanted. I'm back on the horse today and I don't think I'll be overeating for a while.

Anyway, sorry it's so long, but I wanted to share. It was just a really weird thing for me, bingeing has been really internally ingrained in me for such a long time, and it's sort of awkward letting it go, even though I know it's time. It wasn't a craving, or a spot of deprivation that made me eat that stuff last night, it was like it was pure habit speaking. I'll be happy to see it go

[LataJones]

Old habits die hard I guess. But it's great that you recognized what was happening and learned from it.

I struggle with the "you blew it so you might as well go crazy" mentality too. But I find that each day that I don't give into it is one more day towards breaking that terrible habit.

[paperdollme]

I'm working really hard on this thought process, too. Well, I guess it is actually two "thoughts". The first one being "I've blow it, might as well go crazy" and "I know I could do xyz and pick up some junk and fast food and give into my old habits..." So, I completely understand where you're coming from. I think the key point is, no matter how satisfied you are with your food plan, and weight loss so far, in my opinion: being a former binger your body and mind doesn't just forget that, even if its a bad or punishing feeling. You body and brain remember, despite how "good" things are going. My only advice is to remember, that's not rational you talking, that's habitual you, or emotional you. I definitely still cave sometimes--but, I've made it a point to journal when these things happen because it shows me how many times I DO beat that old thought pattern.

I'd like to say, it gets easier as you go along...but I won't. I don't think not succumbing gets easier--I think the ability to recognize it, and do something to counteract it gets easier and more finely tuned. Good for you, for recognizing the thoughts....and on that note, one of my favorite quotes...

"People rarely think about what they think about"

So good on you for not being on auto pilot and challenging your thoughts!

[Lovely]

Old habits definitely die hard.

This is one of those situations where it's very surreal. It would've been like auto-pilot before. "Might as well stop and get some more food". No denying it, no arguing, just done it.

This time, you caught it. You had a conversation about it. And maybe you didn't make the best decision, but it was still a conscious decision that required thought and effort.

Next time? Next time you'll remember this time. And maybe be able to make an even BETTER decision.

[kwyjibo]

I've absolutely been going through this myself. In the past, I've given myself permission to go off track and I've, of course, taken myself up on this. But now, as I'm giving myself permission, and *almost* going through the motions of going off track, I'm stopping myself. Because I don't actually want to eat myself silly. I have no desire to do it.

I'm quite proud of myself, actually. I'm realizing that the thoughtful eating that I've been practicing at has been working. Sounds like that might be what's going on with you as well. If so, congratulations!

[magnoliafan]

This really resonated with me. Especially this part:

"Wait," I said, "I am not actually hungry! And I was careful, I could probably just log the food normally and be fine for the day."
"But wait," my brain/stomache said, "you probably are over anyway, so why not take the opportunity to splurge a bit! You can hit the dollar store first and get a bunch of junk, then hit up McDonald's (don't forget dessert!) and just hang out in your room and watch a movie with your food."

I completely relate. In fact, I went through the same struggle yesterday! I had plans to see the new Harry Potter movie with a friend and I knew that we'd end up eating at Red Robin afterwards (it's our tradition!). I obsessed over the lunch for days beforehand. What I would order, how many calories I would eat, etc. I knew that healthy options would be limited and that I'd end up eating 1000-1500 calories in that one meal. To prepare, I ate a 150 calorie breakfast and planned on a tiny snack for dinner. And I tried to get my mind wrapped around the idea that I could splurge on such a big meal and still be okay with my overall calories. But it was such a struggle! Especially the first few hours after we ate. Just like you, I had a crazy internal war going on. The binge monster kept trying to convince my rational brain that I must have blown the day and that it would be perfectly acceptable to stop at the grocery store to pick up a pint of ice cream and a large bar of chocolate. But my rational brain fought back and decided that I should just have a nice, buttery bag of popcorn for dinner instead. It felt like a splurge, but it was only 300 calories. So even with the 1200 calorie lunch that I ended up eating, I still finished the day at 1750 - a bit high, but still within my 1200-1800 goal range. If I had listened to the binge monster, then I would have followed the high calorie lunch with a ridiculous binge of at least 2000 more calories.

It feels so good to know that there are other people out there who understand!