Depression and Purging.
 

This last week, I hit rock bottom. Something I haven't done for a very long time.

I had bulimia for a while. And I went to a treatment program at school, and I hadn't purged sense the beginning of May. I was doing so well. Then I kept looking in the mirror, and seeing my body that I hated so much. Bad thoughts came in my head, like "All this work and nothing. That stomach looks so disgusting. It looks like a butt. Those stretch/cut marks will never go away. People will never respect you."

So ever since Monday, I have started to throw up again. Last night was the worst. And now I am hungry, I have a headache, I'm sad because I thought I was over it, and I just would like support. Will I ever get over this? I have to want it, and I do...but I am tired of looking the way I do. People tell me it looks like I've lost so much weight, but all I see is the same me 65 pounds ago. You can't even tell I've lost that much :( All that hard work for nothing.

When you're at the bottom there is only one way to go right? UP! This isn't a permanent setback. I really admire how long you were able to go. That proves how strong you are. :-) If bad thoughts ever happen come here on this site and vent about it. Being around people who have similar problems can sometimes help you resist those unsavory urges. You will get over it. But you can't do that will bad thoughts. If you replace them with good constructive thoughts it will be worlds easier. Start loving and respecting yourself. Tomorrow when you wake up think of something about every person you bump into. Your coworker your sister your friend the cashier at Walmart. DO this for awhile until it becomes natural for you to notice good qualities in others. Not just physical appearance but in their personality or talents. Then slowly increase the number of compliments. Soon enough this will be a habit. Congratulations you've completed the hardest part. Here comes the fun part! Go get it your favorite pair of jeans and put on a cute top. Go put on your best, cutest outfit. Then stand in front of the mirror. Do you notice anything? Maybe you've started to notice things you've noticed in others. A cute smile a warm compassionate personality. A beautiful aura that surrounds your body. That kind of thing. I know it's hard but things will get better. Stay strong and believe in yourself girl! Give yourself some peace of mind and let your mistake go. You've come a long way.

Look at it this way. A girl struggles and struggles and reaches the 99th step. IN a moment of weakness she ended up slipping back a step. Then she says "Screw this I might as well give up and start all over" and then hops back down to step one. You'd say that was stupid right? You're that girl right there on the 98th step. So keep on going. Don't go back and forgive yourself for a minor glitch. You are beautiful. Best wishes and luck to you. :hug: Take care of yourself.

All that hard work for nothing? You might have written that, but there's no way you can believe it 100%.

There must be something. ONE thing you can write down on paper and say was worth it about your journey so far. Not for nothing.

You say you can't even tell that you've lost 65 pounds. I guarantee everyone else around you can see it. Living in our own heads often means we don't see progress like others can see it. You've accomplished a lot. Don't let one bad thought ruin the hundred great things you've done by losing weight.

This made me tear up. Thank you so much. I try hard, and I should give up. I just have to believe and know there will be obstacles. :hug: Thank you.

I think I am going to take the advice and write down what has been worth my weight loss journey. And you're right, I shouldn't give up from one bad thought....or at all! :)

Zebrabri
Have you ever tried overeaters anonymous or food addicts anonymous?
LGW

No I've never tried. I don't think I'm addicted to food or overeat though...well, according to other people's standards.

check out foodaddicts.org or the overeaters anonymous websites
They offer an alternative method for those who have ANY issues surrounding food and it may be worth a try because they offer a great support system. Some people need that personal support and accountability. My cousin lost over 100lbs in less than a year through this program. Check it out!!!
By the way, congrats on the weight you've lost so far. You've done great!
LGW

I read your post again and I just wanted to comment on the weight you've lost....About 4 yrs ago I was 226 and I got down to 170....and like you I really did not notice until NOW that I'm back at 226!

I think I did not appreciate the 170 because I was so focused on my goal weight or being back to my "high school" weight. What I would give to be 170right now!

Also, some people carry their weight very well. I actually look half way decent at >200lbs, so like you, when I lose wt it's hard to appreciate it.

However, I am sure that you are in a smaller size...right? That proves you're losing!

You may not be where you want to be....but you are not where you used to be :-)


LGW

People would tell me that I carry my weight well, even when I was 250, but I look at pics of me then and I think, "How could they have lied to me?" So when people tell me now, i'm kinda still reluctant to believe them.

But yeah, I'm in a smaller size....but I still see the same me. I don't get how it's even possible :mad:

But that is very true, I'm not where I WAS....:)

Everyone always says that you are your worst enemy. You need to replace some of those negative thoughts. Do you have any old clothes from when you were heavier? You can hang that up as a reminder of how far you really did come. You are beautiful no matter what. Remember that. A psychologist friend of mine always said to pick one good thing about yourself. Like if you say, "My stretch marks go on forever." Use, but my hips are much smaller or I like my eyes or I'm a good friend, etc. Tape positive messages on mirrors. Quotes and such. Seek some help too if possible. Good luck, hon. Much hugs. We're all here for you.

I really believe that you may be a person to benefit from food addicts. They offer meetings, a sponsor, a healthy eating plan...ALL FOR FREE...
food addicts and overeaters anonymous are programs that have been around for years!
I encourage you to give it a try!
LGW

Yeah, when I went to counseling they told me to do the same thing. It's advice I should actually follow. And thank you, much hugs back!

Thanks LGW, I think I shall check that out. I appreciate deeply you telling me about it :)

I am going to move this to chicks in control, I think you will get more responses there..

BIG :hug: TO YOU !!!!!!!!

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I was bulimic in high school (1970s) before there it was talked about. It's a cycle that feeds on itself, you purge, then the next time it's easier to binge telling yourself you will just get rid of what you eat.
You can die from doing this, and I don't mean "someday". It can throw your electrolytes off so bad you go into cardiac arrest and the next time could kill you.
I tell you this because learning that fact made me stop.