isn't this such a sick way of thinking??
 

I am aware that this is a sick way of thinking... long story short i am making slow but steady progress since Feb losing weight and i am working very hard to get myself into my size 12 jeans (and then eventually size 10's)

Anyway I have been very good and haven't binged in a long while but i find i am telling myself each night "once those jeans fit i am going to celebrate that accomplishment with a binge..." it's like i'm bribing myself to keep going and then when they fit a reward is to binge

i even have a "fantasy food list" that i keep looking at and dreaming of and imagine eating. here is what is on it..... a huge turkey sub from this store wegmans that makes amazing subs loaded with lettuce, tomato, cheese, onion, and pickles....3 huge orders of nachos belle grande from taco bell... and i load them up with more sour cream and salsa at home..... a huge chocolate cake with mint ice cream and oreos.......a giant real pizza ( not a lean cuisine pizza that i pretend is real lol).....chinese takeout of fried rice and lo mein and sweet and sour chicken....cherry twizzlers, snickers, and popcorn.....


now i haven't had anything like this in ages and i have had quite a few days where i have really really thought baout doing it... but i keep telling myself... wait til school ends, hold on and be strong just a few more days (i'm a teacher and i HATE waking up the morning after a binge and having to go to work all day long with ALL that food in me)... then i can binge and not have to leave the house the next day

and also i keep thinking once the jeans fit i'll reward binge one day then go right back to healthy ways and this will be a good thing cuz that binge will up my calories and then when i cut them waaay down the next day i'll rev up my metabolism and what can one day do??

i know this is a sick way of thinking but it's all i can do to not binge everyday to know that someday i can have "fun" eating...

anyone else have issues like me? :(

First of all, it's not sick! I think many of us have been there.
Here's the way I deal with similar feelings: I remember that I can have ALL of those foods- I just don't have to have them all on the same day. If you're planning out all of those foods, it seems like you really want them! Have the Wegmans sub ONE day... then, two weeks later, if you still want Taco Bell, have that. A few weeks later, have the ice cream.
I know it's so much easier said than done. I have had many issues with binging as well, and am only starting to get a handle on it (after doing it for years).
Remember that uncomfortable feeling after binging. Remember how much harder it is to keep up with your students (I'm a teacher too). You made it this far because you DO have the willpower to live a healthy lifestyle- don't forget that!

Pretty much every "on plan" day, I go to sleep and wake up feeling like a starving orphan, dreaming of delicious food.

If you binged once and went back to being on plan that would be fine, but let's face it - it's ridiculously difficult to binge and not continue to want to binge.

Yup, been there and thought that. When I was close to one of my mini goals I went to the McDonald's website and "built" my wish list. I was able to take all my favorite foods and add them to my menu and it counted all the calories, fat and carbs for me. That was going to be my celebration goal meal. Well, I reached that mini-goal and I was so happy that it re-movitated me to keep eating healthy and staying on plan. My McD's goal meal became a thing of the past.

But going back to what you said --- You are NOT the only one who thinks this way. It is a skewed way of thinking? Yes. But it's normal.

I sure hope it isn't sick, in fact I think being aware that things we want are possible in the future helps us to stick to what we are doing. The "never ever again" thinking would trip me up, so if I fantasize about a pizza as something I can have, tell myself I can have it anytime I want (with a price to pay), and allow myself the thinking of it at a future date after hitting some goal, then it brings my thinking back to the goal, gives me a sense of accomplishment that I did not give in, and makes me feel stronger. One day last week I actually went online and started ordering, ready to hit the "order now" button, and talked myself out of it.
BTW, even if at some point in your future you do binge on the complete assortment you fantasize about, you probably would be satisfied with much smaller amounts of each item, and still feel overstuffed, self indulgent, guilty and all those other lovely feelings that come with binges.

I fantasize about certain foods, too. It seems pretty normal to think about it at least a little.

Sometimes I imagine having a binge remembering how it felt good at the time, but I have to shake my head and bring my thoughts to how it felt the day AFTER. How binging and overeating brought me to where I was, and how I am NEVER going back there.

It's a forever project, if that makes sense. I might always occasionally dream or imagine those things, but I'm strong and I can keep from actually doing it.