I made it through Day 10 binge free!!!!
I was SO hungry all day yesterday, and knowing I wasn't going to be eating dinner until at least an hour later than normal made it worse, but I just kept telling myself it was only hunger.
The meal out itself didn't go totally to plan. I ended up having one glass of wine and a piece of bread which I hadn't pre-planned, but I did resist a starter even though I was so hungry, and I ate both my main course and dessert slowly and savoured every bite.
The dessert was very ruch and the last couple of bites I thought to myself that I couldn't eat much more of this, but then the voices started telling me I could have x, y or z instead when I got home so I could keep eating!!! The binge voice had woken up! Luckily I came home and hubby was home and it was almost time for bed, so I just made myself a coffee, sat and chatted with him for a little while and then went to bed.
I was right that the scale is up overnight, but like Ncuneo & Beila discussed earlier, I hadn't even thought about naturally slim people's weight fluctuating daily depending on a meal out etc, I just had it in my warped brain that they are always exactly the same weight!!! Go figure, how crazy am I?!
So I'm starting Day 11, Friday, and the start of the weekend, actually feeling really positive. I made sensible choices last night, not exactly as planned, but I enjoyed the meal, and am not panicking about the gain, just starting a normal day today.
If I can get through this weekend binge free and keep seeing the weight gradually come back down to my low over time then I think I really might be getting to a better place.
ETA: Hubby has just announced that we're going out for lunch today.... Things relationship wise haven't been great for a while and so I'm really trying to make an effort when he suggests doing things, so I can't just turn around and say I don't want to go because he already says I'm obsessed with my eating and exercise routines. So, I'm trying to conceal the inner freak out that I'm now having. The tiny bit of sanity I have is saying it's not going to be the end of the world, go out, enjoy the lunch, then back to your normal plan for the day. But the binge voice is already rubbing it's hands together and saying, oh well, if you're going out for lunch, you might as well make the most of today, what can you have first, maybe some biscuits with your coffee..... and on it goes. And so I see how the binge begins... Today is now going to be the biggest challenge I've had in a long time. I have no alternative but to go to lunch, but can I stop a binge?
I am returning after a really bad bout of eating for about 3 weeks. Oh, the shame. I have nothing to blame except major major work stress and simply not taking care of myself, and then binging to try to relieve stress, anger, resentment, etc. I am now up about 3 pounds above my maintenence goal and really anxious to drop it. I know that they are total vanity pounds, but it's just a matter of the weight that I feel comfortable at, and the weight that happens naturally for me when I am truly taking care of my body.
Really terrible binge this morning. Sometimes it scares me how much food I can eat.
I'm feeling very, very low, and I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know how I'm going to get past this. Eating (excessively) is the only thing I (sort of) enjoy these days - I don't know how to give it up.
You know what else our thin friends don't do? Jump on the scale the day after overeating or after a binge (YES sometimes our thin friends binge too, like around TOM or ovulations or maybe even emotional, but they don't beat themselve up and the move on!) to see how much weight they've gained.
I seriously feel like I've been on this rollercoster of identifying normal behaviors and ways to not binge, followed by feeling down on myself for a single serving of cake or the fact that scale is stuck right now because I'm about to ovulate. It's a little exhausting.
Tonight is "girl's night"! I'm excited because it's been forever. I'm in a pretty good place today and prepared that I'm going to eat whatever looks/sounds good and not feel anything but joy about it. I'll eat till I'm comfortably full and move on! I stopped myself from over working out as "pre-punishment". Last night I worked out a little extra, but it wasn't exactly voluntary - we had a sub at yoga and she thought it would be fun to do power yoga! It was awesome, but holy cow it kicked my but. This morning I ran no more than I was supposed to based on my training schedule. Part of me wanted to run more, but I was beat up from yesterday, it would have been awful and I would have burned what an extra 200 cals - who cares! So I kept it short and sweet and am focusing on normal food thoughts.
Beila - I know I've mentioned this before, but I think 1200 is too low. I know you're small, but I also know you exercise and IMO 1200 is too low for anyone, especially a binger, unless they are 60 years old and seditary. 1200 is really deprevation, I know that's a controversial thing to say, but maybe visit the Featherweights forum, there is a good chunk of girls there your size and smaller who are losing at 1500-1800 cals. I am one of them. When I keep my sh*t together on the weekends I can easily lose at range. I know not everyone can and there are those circumstances where you have to go lower, but in general those are people who have really screwed up their metabolism with a lifetime of dieting. You will thank yourself if you lose at a higher range, because it will naturally make your maintenance range higher - and who doesn't want that. Again, I know there are many opinions on this, but as bingers we have to be REALLY careful with restrictive diets. But also we have to do what works for us, so if you're comfortable with 1200, go for it, but at least give 1500-1800 (eating more when you're hungry, less when you're not) a try for a while. You can ALWAYS decrease, but you can't never increase once you've already decreased unless you add exercise. Hope that wasn't all unsolicited advice.
Beila - 1200 is really deprevation, I know that's a controversial thing to say, but maybe visit the Featherweights forum, there is a good chunk of girls there your size and smaller who are losing at 1500-1800 cals.
Day 11- There will be plenty of opportunity this weekend to binge, tonight i go food shopping. Tomorrow I go fruit shopping at 2 farmer's markets that have delicious desserts and candy & Sunday i'm going to a buffet. Instead of enjoying myself, i have to fight with myself to resist. This sucks cause I'm hungry for all those good sweets! The scale is still dropping and I don't want mess it up!
I logged my cals after breakfast...440cals! I can't believe how much I've been eating. It seems like it's less than 440. I had 1/2 wheat pita with eggwhites and cheese, and 1/2 cup steel cut oats w/ 1/2 banana. I guess the extras add up, such as the almond milk, berries, the butter to cook the eggs.
Anyways, I'm going to stay on 1200 for 2 weeks and see how weight loss goes. I can do anything for 2 weeks if I put my mind to it.
Ncuneo/Vixsin-- Thanks for the concern, but I have a slow metabolism since I was 27 years old. I'm 31 now. But from 23-27 years, i had a fast metabolism. So age, my sedentary lifestyle, and maybe switching to no meat since 2008 made my metabolism slower. I don't know if I have thyroid issues either, and unfortunately I don't have the money for health insurance or medications. I suspect I have a low range of thyroid function, but I do exercise enough to fight it.
So 1200 is my goal, but realistically I may end up 1300-1400 on average due to slip ups and measuring incorrectly.
I never used to eat that much in the past anyways. Just 2 meals a day, and around 500 cals or so with a 200 cal snack. I think during mainenence, when I was 120's-130's, I was eating 1200 anyways.
Day 3 and workng on day 4 today! I am going to be super busytoday so hopefully it will keepmy mind clear.
It helps that I don't have anything bad that I like in the house right now! My ex dropped off a gallon of icecream when he returned our chldren on weds and today I gave it to my neighbor to so it wasn't in my house!
Made it through food shopping tonight without buying any of my favorites, made sure I had peppermint sugarless gum in my mouth. It worked again! I was so worried, now i'm so happy that I beat temptation!
Day 2 was successful. Morning of Day 3. I have a buffet on Sunday too but I am going to keep it together and not go insane. Tonight I am playing violin and singing at my friend's bar. I'll probably be nervous and not eat a whole lot.
I made it through girls night exactly as planned! I ate what I wanted, but not too much and had an AMAZING time.
The only unexpected thing, and this was probably because I haven't been at a bar without DH in FOREVER was the male attention. It made me really uncomfortable, maybe because the guys where uber creeps. Anyway, I'm trying to just ignore the issue and be proud of myself for acting NORMAL around food!
So Day 12 is coming to a close. 12 days - wow. I'm feeling really lonely right now, because DH is working and DS is at grandmas...I'm not sure I've been home ALONE at night since he was born...so strange. I'd like to be OP tomorrow, usually Saturday's are more of a "free" day, but because today was free and Wednesday I was off plan, I'd like to real it in a bit. My weight did not go down any further this week, I suspect more because ovulation is pending, but regardless I still want this extra 10 to go away so that's going to mean a little more diligence. Diligence - no restriction!
I ended up binging badly yesterday and have been binging all day today so far
I really don't know what to do, and everytime I fall and binge AGAIN, going back to Day 1 just makes me feel like more of a failure.
I'm beginning to think that maybe I should just keep a tally of how many binge free/binge days I have each month, and try to reduce the amount of binge days or something like that. Right now I just feel like I'm never going to be able to stop binging...
I have made a decision today that a lot of my trigger foods I'm getting out of the house this weekend so that I don't have them to run to in future, but other than that I don't know what to do.
I think I'm going to try starting to listen to the IOWL podcasts and the Beck Diet Solution Audiobook again to see if I can get anything useful from them.
Day 12- Ok, the worst temptation is over & I made it. Now 1 more farmer's market to survive. I keep telling myself that if I stay on plan today, tomorrow I can have desserts at the buffet.
