hey guys! i am so confused and don't know what to do right now so any advice is welcome.
i reached my goal last year in september losing about 50 pounds but then i started binging due to unexpected moving,stress, boredom, anxiety, school, exams,family issues,... etc. so only about 10 more pounds is keeping me from gaining all back. i feel like a failure and am very embarrased by my gain and i have always thought that i would be able to maintain at least for a few years but it only lasted for a week or so. sad. i know.
all this time i've been telling myself that i will start again tomorrow but that tomorrow never came. you see the first time i was so motivated. i was in love. but secretly. no one knew, only my best friend. and even the boy had no idea. he was my driving instructor, so gorgeous and handsome, funny, nice, but i never had guts to tell him that. mainly because i was fat at that time and secondly i didn't know for sure if he had gf. so i failed on purpose three times on my main driving test so that i could spend more time with him well fourth time i passed unexcpectedly and our story was ended. so i kept losing, since i was already half way there. during that i had no support and everyone looked crossed eyed and it made me feel guilty for losing weight. i stopped hanging out with some friends especially with some of my family members.
so it's already may and i havent even started with my plan. and i was thinking a lot.
when i reached my goal i didn't like the way my body looked. i wasn't satisfied with myself. i had totally different picture in my head of how was i suppose to look like and i wished to be fat again because i felt better pear shaped than thin with no boobs, strech marks and hanging butt and loose skin. and now i'm thinking why the **** do i wan't to go back again and lose again if i will not be satisfied with the way i look. i mean i don't really like my big belly and back fat but i like my boobs and butt. so i made a list of why to lose and why not to, but i just can't decide. one day i'm like yes you should definitely change your lifestyle or you will never have bf, and you will never be able to wear bikini and nice dresses, but if you stay fat you feel more confident and strong, and you won't have to give up your favourite food... i keep spinning in a circle and don't know if i will be able to go again trough this losing cycle and with so much less motivation than before and will i ever be able to maintain my weight in a house full of junk food and me being emotional eater. and another problem i have is that i want to look like girls from magazines and then i am dissapointed when i am no where near them.


ok sorry for such a huge post, i deleted some things after reading it again, and if anyone has any advice please share

Don't you care about your health?

At 85kg and 5'9, in terms of BMI you are only 27.7, considering 18.5-25 is considered 'healthy', you're really not very far from a healthy weight.

You sound quite unmotivated after seeing your end result last time, so maybe you need to try a new approach. You don't mention how you lost weight last time, was it mainly through changing your portions and food?

If so, I'd consider starting walking or finding an exercise you like. Can be anything from the gym/dancing to music/get a mini trampoline/hula hooping or just going of a walk/getting off buses etc a few stops early.

Even if you keep eating at maintenance range of roughly 2000cals, you'll probably notice a difference in your body but more importantly how you feel about it all!

I find exercise is a huge incentive to eat right and makes me more confident in myself. Maybe this can spur you on to get back onto the diet wagon.

With regards to the guy you like, don't wait to lose weight to see him, you don't look as big as you imagine trust me. Give him the benefit of the doubt-Not many guys actually want perfect/skinny women, and in my opinion the ones who do aren't worth the time.

Honestly there's always going to be something we don't like on our bodies.

I still dislike some old stretch marks, my *** looks terrible and dimply (Yea I'd love one of those smooth airbrushed ones from a magazine too) So I try to not focus on it when I'm getting dressed, because it looks fine in a decent pair of jeans!

I guess summed up my advice would be start eating as healthy as you can, get a bit more active and start looking after yourself *now*. Buy a few flattering pieces of clothing, spend a little more time on your hair or doing things you enjoy-Don't just wait until you've lost weight to do things that you want to do.

quilterinva, yes the first time i was so obsessed with my health, especially my pcos and i lost weight by eating healthy and moderately (about 1300-1700 cal a day) and exercisizing.
serendipity, thanks. actually i'm not 85 kg anymore i'm 91 already :/ i'm not motivated because i know i won't have any support from anyone. i just don't want to make the same mistake as before, loose and then gain back. i know it's harder and harder to lose if you burn all your muscles. the thing that worries me is that i don't know if i am able to maintain this for my whole life. well obviously i won't be skinny all the time but i don't want to be stuck in this cycle of losing and gaining, i know no one does.

Maybe you can compromise. Just lose 20 lbs. and be healthier without having to give up all the foods you love. You can have some of the size you want, too. And there are guys who like all sizes of girls, any weight, any shape.

i am trying to compromise. but i can't even lose 5 pounds at this point. and the exams are aproaching and i'm affraid that i will only gain.
i've already came to terms that i don't need a bf to be happy, but obviously in my family there is something very wrong if you don't have a bf. :/

In my humble opinion, I think you really need to work on your self-esteem and sense of self. It seems like you don't know who you are.

Failing a driving test three times just to be with the instructor? Yeah, that should really impress him.

If your body doesn't look so great deflated, you would really benefit from some weight training exercises to build tone and muscle. Also, since you are not that overweight, focus on eating for health and not so much weight loss. It sounds like you lost your weight too quickly the first time, and if you did, that means you were hungry most of the time, and now you are starting to binge as a result of diet anxiety.

I know for me, my most basic tool for not binging is a daily structured food plan, and a daily commitment to not binge. If you eat regular healthy meals and exercise, it will be much easier to control the binges.

You might want to consider yoga. It will give your body a lean look, and it will help you focus and feel better about yourself.

The boredom, stress, anxiety, family crap will never go away irrespective of whether you binge or not. Feeling good and liking yourself will give you the real tools to deal with what life throws at you, not an extra slice of pizza.

If you lose your weight for YOU, and not some driving instructor, you will be more motivated to maintain your loss. When you lose weight for another person, you will gain it and plus more as soon as they go away. Plus, you'll resent that you starved yourself for them and binge to compensate for all the food you didn't allow yourself to have while you were starving for some guy.

As for finding a boyfriend. Both men and women are attracted to authenticity, confidence, humor and intelligence. Nothing is a bigger turn-off to a guy than a woman who is overly obsessed with her weight, talks endlessly about her diet, and deliberately fails a test just to be with him. Focus on what is important to you and you'll meet the right people along the way.

I hope this helps. I know I may have been a bit rough, but I think you need a little "tough love" right now.

Take care,
Elaine

well thank for your tough love sometimes i really need a kick in the butt to get something done. yes, i think you're right about most things. it's true that i don't know who i am, that is why i'm so confused sometimes. i lost my weight within a year and it was really slow loss. as for my diet, i was eating big portions of healthy food, cakes at birthdays, ... so i wasn't quite deprived about food. my driving instructor wasn't the reason for dieting. i was planning it for a long time after being advised by my doctor but he became a motivator. you know when you're in love and you simply don't care about food,all you think about is he/she .