Well, I got dumped Monday. I guess maybe I didn't get dumped, because he still wanted to see me and I still wanted to see him, but we both realized that it wasn't right. The terms under which he wanted to see me were too far from what I was okay with. And he was such a flake--he had canceled on me 3 times in less than two months--this is what prompted out 2+ hour conversation that lead to the end Monday night.
It's hard now mostly because I realize he didn't really care about he. Sure, he enjoyed spending time with me, but in the end, didn't care in the way you need to. He said he'd likely never want to be exclusive, and I didn't want to waste my time. I just wished that he would have fought for me, but he didn't, not at all. I made him be the one to say it was over, because I was having a hard time doing it myself, even though I knew it was the only way to go.
And now I'm afraid to eat! I'm so used to using food as a coping mechanism, and I'm terrified. Didn't eat enough yesterday (I did eat though), and what I did eat what not healthy. I'm starting to feel better today, but I'm still a little worried. I know that this will pass, but right now, it just really sucks, because I was really starting to care for him, and I just feel like a total idiot.
Grazed on junk today, was sloppy for just being Day 2. I could have binged but I didn't. Hope tomorrow is better.
Paris81 I'm really sorry to hear about the breakup. Hope you feel better soon. You're really inspirational with your loooong binge-free streak and I hope it keeps getting longer.
Paris81 ~ I am sorry to hear about your breakup. As far as your eating and food, just stay in the moment and think healthy food thoughts. Food is fuel, it is not an emotional friend to lean on. Good luck to you.
Yesterday I went mini-grocery shopping and saw Oatmeal Pies which could easily be one of my favorites. So much so, that I thought about them before I fell asleep...so, I imagined myself eating one! LOL!! I figured, I know I am not going to go out and buy a box because I'll end up eating the whole thing, so I might as well try to remember what they tasted like! Is that weird?!?
paris - been there...done that... I am SOOOO sorry that it didnt work out with him ... he is NOT WORTH IT ! Do not turn to food. try turning to something else... journalling, walking, crying, it is okay to feel the loss, mourn what you had, what you wanted to have, what you thought you had. mourning doesn't have to be about food!
i have had sooo many food dreams. my exH said i used to 'eat' stuff in my sleep when I first started my journey in 2007. just the other night i dreamt about donuts again.
i am on day1, again, but in a good way. i have seen the scale reward my 1.5 days of clean eating with a huge drop. i am going to stick to my plan because it feels good and takes off sooo much pressure to find healthy food ideas right now. i dont need pressure right now on top of my upcoming surgery and stuff... feeling pretty strong...pretty positive... made it through another tues (my hardest days for some reason) and had to thank my body, AGAIN, today for rebounding... now if i could just treat it nicely for a while longer i am sure it will reward me again
it is so easy to forget what it was like to be 320lbs. so easy to forget how hard it was to sit in a chair at work, put on my shoes, climb one flight of stairs. now i have too much room in my chair, i stand on one foot to put on heels (balancing) and run 6+ km like it is 'nothing' ... thank you body... thank you!!
stay strong ladies, it is hump day and we can hump through it!
Day 40- It's been months since I actually binged til I was sick, I don't miss it at all. It's been 40 days since I over ate, I'm really at ease with food right now. I started a well balanced diet 8 days ago, getting all the nutrients I need, my cravings have gone away, I finally feel like I'm eating like a normal person. I've been dieting & maintaining for so long, now I'm viewing it as not being a diet anymore, now it's about getting the nutrition I need & just eating healthy. My weight is down, even if I gain a little, i'm ok with it. It will even out on it's own. I'm done being so picky about every little thing i put in my mouth, I'll just keep counting calories & it will be ok.
@ Paris - I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have definitely been there and it sucks. On another note, you are inspirational! 293 days is incredible!
Day 11 almost over In the last 11 days, I really have come up with what binging is for me. I think its different per person. For me, it was when I was stopping everyday in my car to fast food places or convenience stores on my way to or way home from work (sometimes both on a bad day), even if I had already eaten meals. I would feel so miserably sick and guilty afterwards. i would spend the rest of the day frantically trying to find out what I could eat for the zlittle amount of calories (or WW points) that I had left. Sometimes I would just ignore what I ate, and pretend like it never happened. Very counterproductive. Now, I have grazed on a few junk food type things at work, or I had pizza over the weekend, but I kept track of my portions and stopped, and counted it into my WW points. I am learning that its not about what I do or don't have, but its about the amount and frequency! It also feels good to turn down things that I know my body doesn't need (i.e. My coworker brought in bagels and doughnuts the other day, i knew if i had one it would throw me into a binge). Anyhoo, its getting easier!
Day 23 - Woke up this AM just before 5 (alarm set for 6) and couldn't go back to sleep. Had wedding brain - thinking about my dress (WHICH I ORDERED YESTERDAY!!!!!) hoping that it comes in on time, and just went off - My fiance has been sick and so he was awake too (and still is, can hear him coughing in the other room) - He's been sick poor baby
Anyways, woke up and the first thing I wanted to do was eat cereal. I tapped into it about (google EFT) which really takes some of the charge out of the feeling. Went in and had my quiet time and finally got to my cereal which I am slowly eating.
Another thing I started thinking about was the fact that I'll be half way through what I'm eating and be thinking about what's next - what to eat next or should I get more of the same thing etc... Even though I don't know if my hunger cues will be going off when I'm done (and they probably won't) -
Anyone have any suggestions or had a therapist give insight into why we would be thinking about what the next thing to eat is before we're even done with our current plate/bowl etc?
Good luck ladies. Going to be working on being in a calm state when I eat today and eating slowly.
day 48 and craving sugar. so I am off out with the dog for a few hours to avoid temptation.
Paris ; so sorry to hear about your break-up but know that you will pull through this because of your strength and determination .
Thanks for being so supportive, everyone! I guess breakups are a part of life. I've generally avoided them by avoiding men, but as part of my self-improvement (like with weight loss), I'm trying to be more "normal," which means dating. Which means breaking up, and pain. So I guess I'm "normal" now!
I like what you say, happytobemom, about mourning--that I can still mourn, but not with food. The only thing is--I don't know how to do that!! I guess just existing, being sad, allowing myself to feel sad, and not eating. Eating crappy food after a breakup is such a stereotype in our culture, it's almost acceptable--even for non-bingers, even for healthy weight people.
So in general, when you're facing stress, a loss, or whatever, how do you guys all cope now that you don't turn to food? I'm trying to figure this out, and it's really hard. I find that since I can't turn to food, I'm feeling all these emotions that I used to numb out with binging, and it feels totally miserable. It seems like the typical suggestions: taking a walk, working out, talking to friends, taking a bath, don't really work that well, because I'm still with my thoughts! Food allowed me to numb out, to not think!
Do you guys have anything that helps you to focus your thoughts on something else?
Hi Paris. Boys are so dumb aren't they? I'm glad you both were adults about it and it wasn't a drawn out mess. Before all, I want to congratulate you on your new outlook on a stressful situation. That is really something to be proud of!!!!! You are now a strong, confident, intelligent, and I'm sure beautiful woman who is taking charge of her life and facing it head on!!
You're doing so great with not running from the emotions and truly letting yourself FEEL them. I couldn't agree with Kim (Happytob) any MORE than I do than when she said it's ok to mourn. She hit the nail on the head with that one. Let yourself think, LET the thoughts go over the conversation. But the key to it all right now is your mindset when you're thinking about things. Don't let yourself go to the victim place. "why did he dump ME? what was so bad about ME? what did I do wrong? It sounds to me like HE wasnt ready to take the next step and take it one step past the partying and hanging out stage. Please try to remember that you are NOT at fault for wanting that!
From my own journey with food so far, I realized that I always put myself in the victim place for every stressful situation. I'd FIND a way to make it more about me so that I was the one who was MORE wounded. It made it that much easier to turn to food because food would never judge me. Food was my friend. Food was my comfort, my best friend, and my boyfriend and companion.
Learn from my story and your own life experiences. Feel the emotions. Think about them rationally and work through them just as rationally. I have never been able to think so clearly as when I am working out and reach that sort of "zen" place. I've solved a few problems on the treadmill. LOL
Didn't mean for this to become a short story. I wish you much success with this latest challenge. I know you will come out the other side stronger and better because of it.
too often i just exercise which numbs me for a moment and then helps me "bury" the feeling when i am in emotional pain... one thing that was suggested to me that seems to help me "release" the pain/emotions was to find something to watch on tv that brings me to tears and then that often opens the flood gates on the other emotions that i am feeling. for me, that is watching the Biggest Loser. Every week i watch it and normally end up crying at some point and it often turns into me thinking about something else that is happening and crying even harder...
another suggestion would be journalling your thoughts/feelings. pretend you are writing him a letter about all the things you want to say
the scale is rewarding my efforts i have dropped so much binge weight this week it is amazing my body will react at all! i am very pleased with my decision to go back to 'fixed' meals with the biggest change being no-starchy-carbs at dinner for a while and not finishing my boys meals. last night my youngest left the crust from his bread. normally i would have eaten it. it doesnt sound like much but it adds up over and over again throughout the day/week
i am super excited about my exercise in the next few days too - teaching spinnign today, cardio mix/hot-yoga tomorrow, sat is kickboxing and sunday is attack (high impact aerobics)...
to try to relax my mind i am doing the hot yoga and a massage on sat as well. i need to 'zone out' in the next week before my surgery to avoid binging/stressing... been reading my novel, watching tv and generally trying to turn my mind off as much as i can . unfortunately i was up at 3am with a fully-on brain last night but that is better than every night! (it has been 2 or 3 good nights in a row until last night)
Hope you feel better soon. You're really inspirational with your loooong binge-free streak and I hope it keeps getting longer.
Boys are so dumb aren't they? I'm glad you both were adults about it and it wasn't a drawn out mess. Before all, I want to congratulate you on your new outlook on a stressful situation. That is really something to be proud of!!!!! You are now a strong, confident, intelligent, and I'm sure beautiful woman who is taking charge of her life and facing it head on!! 
