So, some quick background info. I've got the pretty standard story of this has been something I've been struggling with my whole life, and yes there's the side tangent of I do seem to gain weight easier than others etc etc but the long and short is that I also ate poorly and didn't exercise enough and eventually got the notion in my head to really dedicate and change that.

About three years ago, I did. Cut out all white flour and sugar. Learned about biochemical responses to food, how to control my specific struggles with eating. It was hard, but worth it. I felt great. Lost probably about 80 lbs. For whatever reason, I really started to plateau. Felt hungry all the time. Had been too strict, so I felt incredibly defeated. Slipping a little felt like failure, and a little bit of failure didn't feel all that much better than a lot of failure, so I went a little crazy. Gained it back. Sadness ensues. It was harder this time. Life in general was harder but so was the mentality. I wasn't just the jolly fat friend; I was the slightly-less jolly fat friend who had the chance to be something else but messed it up. Tasted the forbidden fruit, if you will.

A few months ago, I got back on the wagon. I can't pin down what the final moment of ignition was for either of these exactly, but I do hope this one sticks better. I'm more realistic, this time. I let myself indulge occasionally; it's fun but controlled. I'm eating in a way that's more believably sustainable. Have been really successful. I feel great and am probably down about 50 lbs (all I can say definitively is that I buy smaller clothes. I weighed myself every morning last time. Decided against this this go-around.)

Where it gets sticky is I can recognize last time's negative patterns. Things slow down, I decide to cut my food intake during the day a bit only to be ravenous at night. Sometimes I handle it well and healthfully. Other times I eat the equivalent of three meals. Granted, it will usually be something like 2 bowls of high fiber cereal, half a bag of mini carrots with half a container of hummus, an apple, a handful of nuts. Still relatively nutritious and low-cal. Probably less than any number of standard options on the Claim Jumper menu that I once would've eaten without blinking an eye. But I beat myself up over it. Feel too full, feel guilty, feel irrationally like this will unravel quick as a blink all of my hard work a la round one.

So I got into the habit of making myself throw up. Bad, I know it's bad. It's not a regular habit. Well, it wasn't. Two or three times monthly, at max. I felt better afterwards. Like a little damage control was done. "It's not a healthy practice," I'd think, "but it's a damn sight healthier than being fat." Which, to be fair, is probably true. I've started doing it a little more often, though. Started to recognize it at a get-out-of-jail free card. I'd say my average is up to two times a week.

I know it's bad. I know the detrimental health effects, I know that mentally I use it as a permissive thing to justify eating too little during the day and too much at night when really I just need to allocate my intake better and increase my exercise. I wouldn't call myself bulimic yet, but I'm worried I could be headed there. Yes, I do want to be thin. But more than anything, I just want to be healthy. Any advice or similar experience would be much appreciated. I'm feeling a little blue and a little anxious.

First of all, I think it's a good sign that you are very aware that this isn't good for you. I have never purged, but I have had quite a struggle with anorexia (on and off for 6 years). I can understand the thought that, while this isn't healthy, it might be healthier than being fat. I don't know that I have a whole lot of advice for you, because I'm still having trouble getting myself on track. I think that it would really help you to eat during the day, since this would probably help you not be so hungry at night, which leads to the binging (and the occasional purge). I know that's easier said than done, though. I don't know about you, but for me, the food obsession kind of consumes me. I'm neurotic about my number of calories (like even if I'm under 200 for the day I feel guilty), I think about food all the time, and I don't go out at all (dinner, movies, bar, friend's house) because I'm afraid of having to eat/drink something without knowing the calories first. It's no way to live. I have good days and bad days. I think as long as we remember that this is *not* okay, and we try to correct bad habits, we can get healthy. Even if it's small steps, like eating some fruits/veggies during the day, it's still a step in the right direction.

It really isn't "healthier than being fat". If you look up all the problems they include serious deficiencies in electrolyte balance and dental erosion too. Being overweight is an increased risk of xyz that may well not actually happen. Excessive vomiting comes with a 100% risk factor, it's just a matter of time. You don't just throw up the food, you throw up all sorts of things that are meant to live inside your body - helpful bacteria, stomach acid, digestive enzymes. You can end up (in severe cases) with such low potassium levels you start to have heart problems. Repeat contact with stomach acid burns your mouth, you can end up bleeding from the throat. These are all things you really, really don't want to do!

It may be that knowing, accepting and understanding, really internalising, that it really is more damaging than being fat is enough to put you off, but if it isn't then you'll need to front up and be honest with someone that you need help.

Try to be honest with your dentist too, get your teeth checked ASAP and let the dentist know you have had this disorder. It may be possible to put some protective paint on your back teeth to get ahead of the erosion problem.

There are so many things you can do to yourself with purging that you really, really don't want.

NO!! This is so so wrong. Throwing up on a regular basis is NOT healthier than being overweight!
The acid from your stomach damages the esophagus on it's way up to your teeth were it does more damage. And this is every time you do it, starting with the very first time. If it becomes a habit, than there is a risk of reflux which causes heartburn and a risk of cancer (the cells of the esophagus are absolutely not made to be in contact with acid). You mess up your electrolytes also. Potassium is really important to have your heart work properly. Also, the high pressure you experience when throwing up can cause a rupture of little arteries in your brain.
There is a lot more.
And this behavoir is addictive. You might have realized it yourself. You say "it's not a regular habit. Well, it wasn't."
You did a first time, then went up to 2 to 3 times a months (which already IS a perfectly regular habit!) and then, you say you do it a little more often now.
You need to go talk with someone professional. It's easier to catch this at the beginning. Do not think that you do not do it often enough to seek professional help. That they wouldn't take you seriously. That's wrong. Professional therapists know how quickly disorders get worse and how much better it is to stop them at the beginning.

Oh my. Obviously you havent heard this recently so I am happy to be the one to tell you: You are absolutely worth the time it will take to lose weight the healthy way without hurting yourself. Please be patient with yourself and be careful too. I wont tell you to stop what you are doing because you are a grownup and you know what you are doing is harmful. I just hope you get better and start taking better care of your body because YOU DESERVE IT.

I say this not to be mean, but as a reality-check: If you're throwing up regularly (and you are), then health is not your number one priority. Be honest with yourself. If you have the kind of self-hatred that's leading you to cause yourself this much pain, then you absolutely have to address that before it gets even worse! And it will get worse if you ignore it. So, kudos on taking this first step and telling some people and getting support. That's hard to do.

I've got a similar story, to be honest, only minus the successful weight loss parts. On-and-off healthy lifestyle changes that mutate into obsession that mutate into their own kind of self mutilation. The purging came last year, not as often as you, but enough to throw me for a loop. Hadn't I been so health-focused? I thought I really was concentrating on helping myself, not hurting or punishing. But honestly, no matter how healthily you might be eating or behaving, if you're telling yourself, "I'm no good the way I am"...that's a problem. One which will lead to this.

So, I stopped purging, which got easier as I stopped binging. (To be fair, I've only been binge-free about a week, but it's so many kinds of relieving.) One thing my therapist said that really helped me (once it sunk in three or four months later) is, "You can sit with discomfort." That's really all the urge to binge and purge is. It's discomfort. It's not going to kill me, or hurt me physically, or even last longer than maybe half an hour. And each time I ignore it, it gets a little weaker. So try it. Next time you want to binge, ignore it. If you binge anyway, don't purge! Sit with the guilt, sit with the emotions, until the urge goes away--and it will.

I've found cognitive-behavioral therapy really helpful. At the very least, having someone to be accountable to--my therapist--is keeping me on track. It's important for me to be honest with her, and I know if I purge, I'll have to tell her. And I really don't want to do that. More importantly, though, I've realized that each time I purge, I'm just increasing the number of times it'll happen again. Each time you do it, it gets harder and harder to stop. And do you really, honestly want to deal with a full-fledged eating disorder on top of your self image issues, on top of your weight issues, on top of all the other non-food related things that you have going on in your life?

Just remember, you're never alone. People out there care about you and love you the way you are. Not to mention, everyone at this forum will accept you and support you no matter what

I was doing some reading about bulimia and thought I'd share with you. You mentioned that you purge twice a week, but do not consider yourself bulimic at this point. Everything I've read has classified bulimia as purging at least twice a week for a certain period of time. Just to put it in perspective... you shouldn't think that, since it's not daily, it's not an eating disorder.

I’ve read before that throwing up your food immediately after it’s consumed only gets rid of 20-30% of the calories you ate. Say if you had a 1,000 calorie binge, you would purge about 200 calories. Is that 200 calories really worth the damage you’re doing to your body?

Also, most bulimics aren’t skinny, doesn’t that tell you something right there?

I have to agree with this. Whether you want to admit it or not, this is a real problem and eating disorder now. If you are able, I would seek out help now before it gets any worse, as it's already been getting worse over the past couple of months as you describe it. It quickly went from a couple times a month, to a couple times a week. I hope you can see that this is dangerous and something that you should seek help for now, not when it gets completely out of control, even though it sounds out of control already, and happens daily. I hope you can get help from a professional so that you can finally become healthy like you want.

Thank you so much to everyone. The outpouring of support and honest don't-kid-yourselfs were exactly what I needed.

To clarify, before I posted this, I certainly did not consider my behaviour justifiable, permissible, acceptable, etc. At the same time, the vague "this is wrong" voice in the back of my mind didn't seem to be loud enough to get me to stop, either. My "I want to be healthy" was an expression of my desire to stop, as I know that what I was doing was far from it. I'm grateful that I had somewhere that I could be honest with myself and others and receive their honesty in return. I feel better and strengthened by your responses, so thanks again.

In response to my hesitance to fully classify myself as bulimic, I'm not trying to excuse or delude myself on the basis of semantics, but the increase to 2-3 times per week is true of the past two weeks only and as yet I've not put forth a really concerted effort to try and stop. I hold to the idea that addictive behaviour means you are unable to adhere to a conscious decision to stop. I don't think I'm at that point, but we'll see, I suppose. Today is the first day of telling myself a hard and firm no. I hope and have some confidence that I'll be able to stop.

I guess the remaining issue is the fear of going backwards thing. I really am deeply afraid of gaining the weight back. It's jarring; I do love myself, but I'm scared enough of a potential version of me to drive me to self-damaging behaviour. I know it's important to love myself at any shape or size, and I do, to an extent. But I am not as happy and certainly not as healthy when I am overweight. It probably is something that would benefit me to talk to a doctor/therapist about, but I recently moved and have not really found any doctor I trust here yet, and I don't think it's something there's a magic fix for, either. For now, given that I can cut out this purging business, I am eating nutritious foods in healthful amounts and doing what I can to be kind to my body. And that is, I think, the truest expression of self love. Just need to remember that's why I'm doing this and cut the crap!!

Anyway, to all! Here's to moving forward.

Hi Lulu~

One of the main problems with a situation like yours is that purging is much like trying heroin.....it quickly becomes addictive and becomes more and more difficult to stop or to even control. It quite quickly starts to control YOU.

There are a whole lot of drugs you might decide to try....like a blood pressure medication....but you would not become addicted to it. It doesn't involve that component. But a drug like heroin is a whole other story. And likewise, a behavior like purging is not just a little experiment....it usually turns into a monster quite quickly. The earlier you intervene, the better.

deena

Thank you, Deena. I appreciate your concern and support.

I have to say that I strongly disagree with the comparison to heroin. The analogy is accurate in that purging is a behaviour that's more addicting than an alternative and innocuous action like, say, brushing your hair. Similarly, yes, heroin is inarguably more addictive than a blood pressure medication, but physiologically and psychologically there are two very, very different things going on with each.

That said, I do agree it's addictive, have had the unfortunate experience of seeing first hand how it could be, and have decided to stop. So far so good Posting here helped a lot. I'm all for seeking professional help when you need it and do hope to talk to a medical professional about a bevy of thoughts and obstacles I'm dealing with eventually. For now, though, I know myself and my problems and I have high hopes for what I can accomplish with willpower and community support.

Hello Lululikestoulouse,
I'm glad you're realizing your behavoir isn't healthy! That's a great step in the right direction!
However, unfortunately it is true that purging is comparable to heroin, not to brushing your hair. When consuming heroin an unnatural high dose of dopamine is released. Dopamin will make you feel happy, it's a neurotransmitter.
There are researches that there is also a release of neurotransmitter when bulimics purge ( I'm not sure anymore if it's dopamine, too or another one, but it's a neurotransmitter none the less). That does not happen when brushing your hair. That's just an automatic movement, a habit.
Of course, you are not addicted to purging after you first do it as you are to heroine. But the comparison to that drug is more accurate than to brushing.
That's why it's so hard to stop. Anyone could stop brushing their hair. You would worry about how it looks, what others think, but you wouldn't have any real struggle trying not to brush.
It's not so easy to stop eating when in a binge. Or purging.