Lost Control today... completely
 

My oh my, I never thought I would be here writing this.
Our Christmas was really lonely. We moved here about a year ago and have made no friends whatsoever. I tried so hard to make it a happy one for my two little kids. But my hubby and I aren't doing too well.
I was really good I thought food wise. I made about 13 types of cookies which I NEVER touched till Christmas day. I never binged, not even the day after Christmas on my sons 3rd Birthday. I lost tons of weight and just didn't want to mess up. But, I was not on plan either.
Today I lost all control. ALL the hard work went down the dumps. I weighed myseld in the morning and gained a pound which made me sad cause I tried hard not to gain and it all went down from there. I tried my cookies, ate cheese, bread, chocolate. I can hardly breathe and I am freaking out.
You know how sometimes you feel like you are having an out of body experience? Thats how I feel.
My personal life is bad, my parents are overseas and are in trouble financially, my sister is in a bad position and they are all so far away there is nothing I can do. And I need someone sometimes... I have no friends as I said and feel very lonely, I don't have a single person I can pick up the phone and vent to. Except my family who are on a different time zone.
Sometimes food is the only thing that is there for me. How sad am I? I feel like such a looser, I wonder how on earth I have allowed my life to get so out of control?
Sorry for the rant guys. :mad::?::(

First you need to congratulate yourself for not eating ALL of the cookies, or anything else you ate today!! Everyone has bad days, that's just a reality. The trick is to look at it in a more positive light, putting a negative spin on it makes it harder to get back on track. Tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start!! Keep your chin up, you can do it!! PM me if you want to talk more! :hug:

Carrie

First of all *hugs*
It is hard, and we have all been there. I myself have been there the last few weeks. The good thing is that you have recognized the issues (and food is not the only one) and you have come looking for help and support.

Because we have all been there, you will find a ton of help and suggestions. Take what you will and leave the rest, but never feel like you cannot come and just vent. Sometimes that is all you need to do. Put it in writing!

You can totally do this. You have a 3 year old toddler, that in itself means you have more strength than you think! Take it from the mom of teenagers HAHA. You can do it!

I can relate, all my relatives are in their 80's, my mom had me when she was 46yrs. old. They can't hear or have dementia & I don't have any friends at all. I have no one to talk to that understands, my husband is always there to listen, but does not take any of it seriously & doesn't really understand because he's never been over weight or had a binging problem. When i get the urge to binge, I've found that snacking on healthy food like yogurt, fruit or veggies really helps. I love junk food, so I don't buy it anymore, I'd rather eat 200 extra calories in healthy food if it prevents me from going out and buying junk to binge on. And believe me, I've done that.

Thank you to all you wonderful people for responding. I made it through the night and today was indeed much better. I know that 1st of the year resolutions are so cliche' but I am one of those who always say 1st of the year I will go on plan and try hard to maintain.
I'm don't know how to maintain, I think thats my problem. I have always had to loose weight and now that I am at my goal I am kind of afraid. Does anyone think its easier to loose than to maintain?
I may not have friends or family around but I have my wonderful children who keep me busy and my faith will get me through these hard times. This forum is so much help, I am so glad to have found it.
Again Thanks!

Big hugs to you! It is ok, I know for myself that once I have an issue with food, I have for the rest of my life! I also lost it over Christmas and i am trying to see what i learnt from it. I didn't go through that pain to learn nothing.

I don't know how to maintain and that too is my problem - I have two modes - up and down. I restrict food too much, then i binge. I think my next thing to try is to eat and let it be and trust that i won't put on weight but my body will stop on time and I won't crave like crazy. For me it is harder to maintain, def.

That pound will go off easily, do not worry it is just bloated and things like that, I was two pounds up one day and then two day next day, I did do exercise but unless I maintain binging life style, it won't stay on.

For now, focus on the positive, you are here, looking for help, staying away from the food, getting better! You are being good to yourself :)))

It gets better will our mistakes and everything we learn! Keep up, hang around!

Hi usam~

Yes, it is usually much more difficult to maintain than it is to lose.....even though all of us, I'm sure, initially said to ourselves "if I can just lose the weight, I KNOW I can keep it off".....if I can just run the gauntlet and get to the other side, I know I can do it.

So interesting what is in the signature line of the above post...it works if you work it.....one of the 12-step mantras. I hope nobody thinks it will be mean of me to say this.....but just as one gets motivation listening to others in 12-step meetings, I maintain motivation reading here.....esp. reading posts of ones who lost a significant amount of weight in the past and are now returning, having gained it back. I can just feel their pain when I read those posts.....and am carried back to just how that felt when I was going through it.

And then I tell myself that I don't want to go back there....don't want to go through that pain and those feelings of hopelessness again.
It's easy to forget what it was really like.....what it really felt like when we are engulfed in that.

I totally understand the whole nightmare of getting on the scale and seeing a gain of only one pound and losing all perspective and insanely getting thrown into hopelessness....all out of proportion to reality. It's truly insane, really....when I reflect on it.

So I come and read those heartbreaking stories/posts....and jolt myself back to reality and say "It is just ONE pound! Get a grip! THIS (the stories/posts) is what it feels like to gain back 50 or 60 pounds! Not ONE pound! Get back on the program and don't let this send you off on a downward spiral! You are NOT back there. You are still in good shape and let's keep it that way. Keep yourself on plan and you won't find yourself back there."

We have all been there....and we all know what it feels like. That's what's so great about this site. We can all come here and read and vent....rather than to hide in hole, thinking we are the only one....we are on a downward spiral again...we can't do anything right but everyone else can.....just because of one binge or a gain of one pound.

Listen...it IS after the first binge or the gain of the first pound when you are in great shape to stop it and turn it around. It is the blowing it out of proportion that will send us to a place where we will have to run the gauntlet again.....so don't let this happen to you. Just get back on your maintenance plan!

It's like waking up from a nightmare....a nightmare where you were back where you started. But you wake up and realize you are NOT back there. And that you CAN turn it around and not end up back there at all. Keep things in perspective. Don't let one tiny slip send you into a major nightmare. It doesn't have to happen that way.

It's the negative, out-of-proportion-to-reality thinking that sends us into a downward spiral....and not usually the single slip-up. Keep your head in reality and out of negativity and cope with these in a healthy manner.

And maintaining does NOT have to be harder than losing it in the first place. We have to get ourselves out of that crazy head space that all of us here share.....the thing that makes us lose the weight, look in the mirror and think, for a few minutes, that we are actually still fat and haven't lost anything. That makes us think that gaining one pound means we are back where we started. That makes us think that one binge will make us gain all the weight back overnight.

Is it good to gain a pound back? No. Is it good to have a binge? No. Can both of these start you off on a long road back from whence you came? Yes. But it doesn't have to. It is the fear, mostly caused by our irrational thinking....that will keep us on this road. But we can get off that road and back onto the road we want to be on....if we think clearly and realistically. And it's best to do this right after the first little slip....and learn to do it straight away after any future slip(s) if they happen. Get right back on the plan (the horse). It will save you from lots of pain. Do it while you have plenty of time to save yourself.

deena:)

Wow Deena52 you nailed it.
Actually I weighed myself today and I gained 5lbs. BUT as you say this will not lead to gaining all the weight back.
I think I get really upset because when I was overweight I was miserable, teased, ignored and very unhappy. Everytime I gain weight all those horrible feelings come back and I get scared. I never want to be in that place again.
I am on plan again and will work very hard to loose these five lbs because I know too well that five will lead to ten and then I'm doomed.
I always think of the people in a worse position than me and certainly count my blessings.
I worked hard to get here and I will work hard to stay here.
Thanks for opening my eyes!

I have never been obese, but the fear of even being heavy is very real. I think how shallow I must be to allow my figure to be so important to me. But the fear is real. I am scared, but also hopeful that I will be able to keep my weight under control forever.

hugs! don't let one bad day make you feel like a failure. you made it through the holidays which is so tough

4xcharm~

IMO, there are people who care about what their weight is who are shallow but there are also ones who care about their weight but are not shallow. To me, shallow implies the person being in competition with others, having a skewed value system, wanting to be better than others, etc.

There are those who might think I care more than I should about what I weigh. And maybe they're right....and I am conflicted a bit about that whole issue. But I don't think I'm shallow. My weight has absolutely nothing to do with coveting what anyone else has or looks like or competing with anyone. But it IS directly related to my sense of feeling happy. About how I feel about myself.

For one thing, I am just SO much more comfortable physically.

But the second reason...and this is probably an unfair thing, in terms of the world in general....but when I am fat, I feel like nobody sees me. And I'm a very out-going, friendly person who is accustomed to people interacting with me. It feels like I'm invisible....like people are uncomfortable with my weight so look away? Or fat me just doesn't register on their radar? Or it's actually me looking away because I'm the one that's uncomfortable with others seeing me? I don't really understand it. But there is definitely a HUGE difference.

And it's not that I want people to notice me or that I want attention....not at all. It has to do with the sadness of feeling invisible versus the happiness of feeling like a moving, active member of the planet.

I'm not really explaining this very well, I'm noticing here. It's actually rather difficult to explain....as it's a feeling. It's just that NOW, I actually exist. I AM. People smile at me, interact with me. Whereas when I was fat, I was floating along like an unseen ghost....or at least that's the way it felt.

Like I said....it's not fair that people should treat fat people this way and make them feel this way.....but the point I was trying to make is that just because our weight ranks high on our list of important things, doesn't necessarily mean that we're shallow. My opinion, of course.:D

And hi again, usam~

I'm quite an analytical person and always have been...so I've spent a great deal of time these past 2 years or so analyzing all I can regarding weight loss...patterns that result in success versus those that result in failure.

And analyzing these patterns when it comes to maintaining can be even more complex.

There is one significant pitfall I neglected to put in my post to you up there.....and I call it "wow, fattening items don't make me fat anymore so I can eat what I want".

The scale and the body's fluid balance is just weird. Damage may not show up when we expect it due to this. So a big maintenance pitfall goes as follows: say we eat some items off plan (for me that would be simple carbs)....and the next morning, very apprehensive, we get on the scale and lo and behold, we are actually a half pound less than we were the day before.
And then....this happens a few times in a row. And we think we're safe. Somehow our metabolism is in top form and we can now eat these things with no consequences, right? Wrong!

We may get away with this the first or second time.....and then the third time, we may see no consequence the next morning on the scale....and think we're safe.....but then a 3-5 lb. gain shows up a few days later....and we go into fear and panic mode. Which can lead to depression mode...which can lead to more off-plan eating and weight gain.

We are NEVER safe when eating whatever the heck we want....and never will be. Eating no-no items, too many calories, etc. will always lead to weight gain....and there's just no getting around it. We may get away with it a few times but it will definitely catch up with us and we'll regret it. Best to catch ourselves after the first time.

Another issue I wanted to mention is the "gee, now I'm thin but it didn't fix ALL my problems".
Crappy things can happen to us...can suddenly come out of left field. These happen to everyone but can make us susceptible to thinking "what's the use? Life sucks anyway...might as well enjoy what I eat...why deprive myself?".

Becoming thin WILL make us much happier than being fat did...but the happiness will be about not being fat any more. It won't suddenly make us happy about every single thing in our lives. I think it's important to keep these two things separated in a realistic way....and not to merge them in frustration. I constantly remind myself, when frustrated about other things in my life, how much happier I feel... but that it's about no longer being fat and only about that. And remind myself that all this frustration would be even worse if I was still fat....but that getting thin won't fix everything in my life and guarantee me 100% happiness every single second for the rest of my life.

When things are depressing or frustrating me....I remind myself that hey, it's still better to no longer be fat. Give credit where credit is due....and not let frustration and self-pity derail me.

We can do it. We made it here...to the place where we were SO sure we could maintain if only we could get here. And we got here.....AND we can stay here and not fall back into that pain again. We just have to work at it every day and avoid the pitfalls.

deena :):hug:

Deena52- I totally agree with all you said. I feel the same way, wish I could have explained it as well as you did.

Hi fruitlady~

Were you referring to the whole "feeling invisible" thing? It IS really difficult to explain, isn't it? I've been thinking about the whole issue since I wrote that a few hours ago.....although I keep reminding myself that since most of us here had to deal with being fat, surely most, if not all, probably know exactly what I was referring to and have experienced it themselves.

It absolutely does happen....I know that for sure. But what I can't specify with any accuracy is why this happens. Are other people the ones feeling uncomfortable or is it me? Or is it both? Do you have any thoughts regarding this?

It's weird....I had 3 sons but have noticed that for those (esp. women) who chose not to have children.....when they reach a certain age, in their 40's to 50's, let's say.....they have told me that they somehow feel that they don't rate in the general world of humanity. That they somehow didn't do what it took to be in that club.

And it kind of reminds me of the whole feeling invisible when fat situation. That I'm somehow not in the club, the club of the normal world....almost persona-non-grata, so to speak. As if I was obligated from birth to have children (check...did that) and look normal (have not always done that) in order to justify my place on the planet, the oxygen I use, etc.

And as shallow as it is.....I have to admit that I feel such a sense of relief now that I seem to be back in the club again. It's sad that this even happens.

And who made these rules anyway? Weren't we supposed to ditch these ideas after high school? And the whole process is very insidious...but for those on the receiving end, it is definitely there. I'm sure that most who have been there can corroborate that.

deena :hug:

deena52- How you are treated should have nothing to do w/ your weight, but sadly it does. For me, I noticed everyone now holds the door open for me when coming out of a store. Before I lost the weight, they didn't. Also, everyone calls me "honey" now, even the women. I guess cause I'm small now, i look like a "honey". I have the same personality, I am the same person w/ the same likes & dislikes, but the reality is, your appearance means everything to people. The weird thing is, I'm 43yrs old & looking older, that didn't effect peoples attitude towards me, but losing weight sure did. I also wanted to agree with you about what you said about eating junk food, you think you may get away with it, but in the end you really don't. It does catch up, it may take time, but it does!

Deena, I agree wholeheartedly that it is very depressing indeed how shallow everybody still is after high school. It is sad that it matters so much what we look like, how much we weigh, whether we fit into the mold enough to even have people look at us in public without getting uncomfortable. The whole getting-uncomfortable-around-overweight-people thing, by the way, I think is a combination of things, and a different ratio of feelings for different people. Usually a combination of thinking "ew, fat, gross" as conditioned by society, feeling ashamed FOR the fat person, feeling uncomfortable because you assume they feel uncomfortable as well, and also having a very strong feeling of not wanting to be that way yourself, which sometimes translates into aggressive and somewhat hateful thoughts.

Anyway.. It greatly saddens me that the world is more and more a harsh place for anybody with eating issues, or genetic issues or medication that contribute to weight gain for that matter. And all the while, the crazy processed food filled with HFCS and "flavor enhancers" and harmful fats and carcinogens are making it more and more difficult to stay in a weight range deemed acceptable. BUT, it is what it is I suppose. The way I figure it, it is easier to change myself than to change the world. I decided that it was worth it to me to restrict myself down to a more acceptable weight, to both feel physically better (although I'm somewhat still waiting on that one) and to not have to face life with this extra handicap of being obese.

Phew. Hope some of that made sense. You really got me thinking, Deena :)

Thanks for your insight peccavi and fruitlady. I agree that the behavior has multiple etiologies. I try very hard to smile at and say hi to (and even chat with if the person starts chatting) EVERYone.....but am I totally weight-blind? No, not at all.

And interestingly, there are those who are overweight who seem very self-conscious but there are also those who seem to have plenty of self-confidence and at least, appearance-wise, seem unhindered by their weight.
So just the etiology of the issue of the overweight person's behavior contributing to how we are/were treated clearly factors in....and seems to vary.

I still marvel every time some sort of incident happens where I immediately go "wow, nobody EVER did that when I was fat".....and begin thinking about this whole topic again. I fascinates me to some degree. I have always been fascinated by human behavior (among other things). :D

So, regarding the not being weight-blind....here is my confession:
I DO notice other people's weight. Although I feel extremely empathetic there is still a feeling of....well, I don't want to say smugness because I truly am not a smug person.....but more like a sense of elation, of relief, when I see them eying me up and down, or see them tugging on their shirt constantly, etc. I literally FEEL all these behaviors as I did them all myself when I was fat.

I have to mention this, even though it's somewhat off the topic here. But my oldest son got married in August...in Astoria and then had a very fancy reception at "the Penthouse" in Manhattan.

I was literally terrified about having to go, esp. as mother-of-the-groom....just terrified. Approx. one year prior to the wedding I buckled down, ready to do literally anything to lose the weight for the wedding.....as the panic kept increasing, the closer the date approached.

Long story short, about 11 months later and approx. 65 lbs less, my son and his fiance took me shopping to buy "the gown" for the wedding. And all the ones I tried on were 8's and 10's and I did end up with a gorgeous gown....and had a fabulous time at the wedding. One of the all-time highlights of my life, in fact.

But I think back to that panic I was having....and to be honest, I think it's quite possible that I would have figured out some way to not attend....my own son's wedding. Something I can't even fathom myself ever doing....yet realizing there was a good possibility I'd have done it if I was 195 lbs.for the wedding. There would have been the massive crying and frustration episodes in the dressing rooms, the feelings of embarrassment and no self-worth.....which might have led me to do something desperate.

Yet my oldest son's wife (his fiance at that time) probably weighs what I did back when I was overweight (I'm so proud of my sons...they are not at all shallow...hey, I really tried as a mom).....and she looked absolutely gorgeous in her wedding gown and didn't seem self-conscious at all...and never has, really.
And mother-of-the-groom is almost nothing compared to being the BRIDE in terms of having everyone looking at you....yet she carried it off with aplomb.

Self-confidence is a huge factor when it comes to weight.....and also a huge factor in relation to how others treat you, I believe. Yet, there is something else that I can't seem to put my finger on....when it comes to the different treatment I'm getting now. Some huge factor I can't completely identify.
And in fact, every time it happens to me I am torn....as I feel flattered but at the same time, somewhat annoyed, thinking "I am the same person I was back then. How can you be so shallow as to only care what I weigh?"

It's funny but when my sons were young, we used to go to the beach every summer. Ocean City MD and stayed at this place (belonging to a customer of my dad's) across from the Convention Center. And I would take walks down to the boardwalk (approx. 40 blocks) at least once every summer.

And as I got older and older, I noticed that guys were checking me out less and less. And I remember feeling somewhat saddened.....although in reality, the guys at the beach are looking to hook up with young gals and are not a microcosm of the entire population.

But when I gained all the weight from the medication I was on....the not being noticed took on a whole new face. It wasn't just these young guys....I had adjusted to that whole situation as I had adjusted to getting older. This time it involved literally everyone. Well, to be fair, there were some who were very nice to me, acknowledged me, even chatted with me....but they were the huge minority. And I was beyond saddened....I totally felt like hiding all the time....figured out multiple ways to get out of going anywhere, hated when anyone invited me anywhere, esp. family, thinking "please don't do me any favors. I don't WANT to go", etc.

I did dress in huge tent-like clothing...jeans and large men's shirts....but there are many overweight people who are quite the nice dressers, I've noticed. And don't seem to want to hide like I did.

So I'm guessing it's all about what your weight symbolizes or means to you. To me, it's a huge deal....so there is the "what came first, the chicken or the egg?" but I suspect a great deal of it came from me and others just responded to it. And then that was exacerbated by the issues of others being uncomfortable looking at me at that weight, seeming to consider me either invisible or not a member of the normal world.

deena :):hug:

Too true, the business about becoming invisible when you are fat. People simply seem disinclined to take you seriously. I get so sick of running into people from my "thin days" who look at me, aghast, unable to contain their looks of "what HAPPENED to you?" Actually, they don't really care that my hypo thyroid condition (uncontrolled for a time during which I gained sixty pounds), just that I've "let myself go"! I was married to a man for whom I could never be thin enough! And enough was never enough. He'd always tell me - "five pounds more and you'll be perfect"! INSANE. I've had such a screwed up body image for so many years, it almost feels good to be handling my weight loss all by myself with nobody else to please, these days! Not that it's easy - it isn't, but I find that being on this site - posting here and there a couple of times a day, keeps me very centered. Thanks for being there, all of you - with your great advice, and brave sharings. I hope we all eventually get to be exactly where we want to be!