I think I have been focusing too much on the negative side of food. Lately, hence my binge of last week.
Things like:
Almost like food has been controlling me, cravings, desires etc.
That I would look at chocolate, cakes and really want them but torture myself with the thought of not having them. They are everywhere you go, shops, work etc
That I would eat chocolate, cakes and them feel guilt and crappy - like I had blown it. So I would eat more and more.
That I would feel anxious about dinner invites out, knowing I would have to wait too long to eat or there would be unsuitable choice on the menu
Now that I am 5 days away and counting from that mad crazy binge (cakes, chocolate, crisps etc) I am feeling in a better mindset about food.
I know I can make healthy choice
I look at chocolates, crisps and its almost like its not food to me and I have no desire to eat it.
I know I can go out and make the healthiest choice on the menu and change the option to make it as good as possible.
Its ok to be hungry, I know I will soon be eating something healthy.
I hope I can say in the positive mindset, it feels so empowering and the need to fill the void with food is gone. I think part of that is I have cut out sugary carbs and filled it with good veggies and protein.
So whats the point of this post? who knows.... but I guess I wanted to share and say start thinking about how you want to feel about food and then work towards it rather than feeling trapped by the current way you are around food. Ehm, I hope that makes sense. Like I say I am on day 5 and I feel strong but maybe I will slip again down the road. But I am only taking it as it comes. I have been hear before and last year I put together a fantastic run before I slipped back.
I want to feel that food has no power over me. I'd like to be able see food without having a strong pull to it. I would like to be able to have dreams and fantasies that center on anything else but food. I would like to be able to bake a cake and think of how it will please someone else and not me. I'd like to be able to walk into a kitchen without looking in the fridge.
freedom. freedom from thinking about my next meal way before i'm physically hungry. free from counting calories, fat, or anything. just eat healthy for fuel. stop when i'm full.
some days are like that. and others...the binge monster is knocking on my door.
I want to be able to turn down food; I'm not obsessed with it, but if I have a salad in the fridge and I have an extra couple of bucks, I'll go out and eat (which is exactly what I did today) I want to work on my will power in that way.
I want to be "take it or leave it" about specific foods. I'm that way about most foods; I want to be that way about ALL food. Is that unreasonable? (It may be, given my history)
Oh my goodness... do I even know what I want? I want all of these things mentioned. ESPECIALLY freedom. It literally seems like an unattainable thing to me now. To be free from the unhealthy nag of fat, cheese, chocolate, bread. To be able to completely forget about food for a moment, at least. To be able to enjoy even being CLOSE to my boyfriend without worrying about which part of my flab he's touching. Ugh.
In reference to the original post, I have had the same cycle. Once you break the binge and you start eating healthily and working out, it's better than any food and youknow this for a fact. To see your waist shrink in the mirror, and the number shrink on the scale, and to fit into your old pants again--it's like taking drugs. And you think, "I'll never ever go back there again. You couldn't drag me kicking and screaming. You couldn't tie me down and force-feed me fried chicken. No way, never again." And then somehow... here we are again, starting over, relearning our healthy habits, battling the binge monster. I know personally I've fallen off the wagon and then some, and now weigh 20lbs more than I ever have, all of it and then some gained in the past year.
So my thoughts are with you, and my understanding definitely is. And the good news is, you're already five days away from that binge, and next time maybe you'll be able to remember this feeling and decide against it. But even if you can't, it won't be the end of the world. You just regroup, dust yourself off, and start counting those calories again Hopefully we can all do that.
I feel fine about chocolate and cakes and anything extremely unhealthy. Like I've mentally blocked myself into thinking that I don't like those kinds of food. But bread.... I would like to have control over bread haha
I want to respect food. At the moment I abuse it, I use it to fill emotional spaces inside me for little instants of time, and that's not what food should be about. Food should be something beautiful to be truly enjoyed and savored, in moderation. I'll never be able to look at food as just fuel, I enjoy tastes and textures and the way it looks too much. But I should eventually be able to respect it enough to enjoy it without abusing it. Dunno if that made sense, but that's how I see my relationship with food evolving.
That is, I don't want to confuse or conflate it with tranquilizers, a hot bath, sex, winning the lottery, stress relief, an affectionate caress, a massage, or any of the other things that I seem to actually want when I reach for something to eat.
Why are my wires crossed (or tangled in a knot) over what needs food really meets?
And I want food to be nurturing and not poisonous. I don't want to be dying of cancer in 15 or 20 years, and find out that researchers have finally discovered, "Oh, people should never have been eating [whatever] regularly, because it was full of carcinogens, but nobody knew that at the time."
This is such an excellent question! Truthfully, I'd like to NOT feel at all about food. I'd like to use it to fuel my body in an enjoyable way, and then to stop thinking about it. I am growing wearing of thinking every day, all day about food, food, food. I have too many other things I need to be thinking about!
I just want food to be in existance without me being a slave to it. I want to go about my day, eat when I'm hungry and just be done with it. I don't want to constantly be thinking about the next feeding frenzy and then have to concoct secret agent-esque ways to hide it.
I would like to stop obsessing about food. I would like to stop feeling guilty and feeling anxiety about food. I don't want to be a slave to my appetite. I want food and I to have a copacetic relationship.
How do you want to feel about food?
Hopefully we can all do that.
