Been having a weird past few days, and my "hunger" has been through the roof. No, I know I am not really hungry, but I have this almost insatiable appetite and desire to have that super full feeling. I know this is mainly due to emotions and honestly, pms. I have also been eating less lately, and my body is like craving that overstuffed feeling, even though it usually ends up making me feel nauseous and well, that doesn't always stay down.

So, I met with the ex recently and it does feel like he is happier. I am happy for him. It is just kind of emotional, but I try to focus on the fact that he appears to be doing better since the relationship is over. I do feel bad at times cause it makes me feel like maybe something about me was making things harder for him. I know, that is not the right way to think, but that little voice says it from time to time.

Also, I found out that an old school friend, who was like Ms. super popular, and who I always wanted to be like, since I was like 9, is having this super amazing wonderful mommy-life that I have always wanted. It is hard to describe, but I grew up with this feeling like she was perfect----she was super skinny, everybody wanted to be her friend, and the guy I had a super big crush on really liked her----she turned him down.

For years I have wondered how things turned out with her. It turns out things seem pretty great and she seems pretty happy. She was kind of the popular and nice girl I wish I could have been.

Oddly, she was also kind of mean to me in school. So was the guy, but that was par for the course back then. I think, when I was going through really difficult stuff as a kid (mainly emotional abandonment and mainly the reason for why I gained so much weight or developed the relationship with food that I have), I used to wish I could be popular and pretty and all of that. She kind of represented that perfect life in some ways. So, it feels weird now, all these years later that her life seems great, and I am still struggling with being this obese woman who still has issues from childhood.

I didn't feel upset when I was younger and going through things because, well, maybe it was a form of self-preservation. I think that if I had been upset, I would have always been upset. Instead, when things happened, I just tried to keep on going and deal with it and not even really mention the fact that I was hungry from time to time, or would eat a lot of food at midnight, on a school night, as a 9 year old, because I was trying to not hear the bad stuff that was happening in my home.

So, I feel a bit upset now that I am working on really kind of saying to myself that what happened when I was younger was not ok, it wasn't my fault, and it is okay to feel upset or angry---I kind of felt I couldn't complain about it or admit being upset at things my parents did or did not do. I am upset because while it is good dealing with these issues, and maybe getting to the root of my food problems, I feel like everyone else is happy and living their lives and just being, well, normal, and I am the girl from school who obviously had problems and was overweight then, and is now REALLY a morbidly obese woman, still dealing with childhood issues.

I just feel like eating until I feel full....I am trying to avoid that feeling. I am thinking of buying heavy food tomorrow---but, I am low on money, AND, I am still trying to lose weight and don't want to upset my weight loss. Sigh.

Has anyone else made a correlation or has a correlation between maybe their emotions and wanting to feel full?

Sure. Eating to stuff down unpleasant feelings is not unheard of.

You might enjoy Linda Spangle's "Life is Hard, Food is Easy." I got a lot from it.

GL!
A.

thank you, I am going to check it out.

i've been having that same feeling also, i even posted about it...i feel a binge coming on, like i just want that full feeling as well.
i can definitely empathize with seeing everyone be normal and me still struggling with the same old weight issue. it really sucks at times. i take breaks from facebook from time to time, because honestly, i see everyone posting pics and "glamour" shots of themselves, and it makes me feel bad. they seem so beautiful and fit and all confident and wonder why i can't have that, or why it has to be so hard for me to feel that way. but i try to brush it off, and look forward to the day i get to my goal and feel that good about myself.
so this wanting to binge and feel stupidly stuffed feeling has been eating at me for a few days. i haven't given in, but i want to so bad. i think it definitely has to do with my feelings...not necessarily about my life, because things are going well, but more so the feelings i have about myself. i just don't feel confident, i hate that this journey to better health is going to be long and challenging. i also harbor self-resentment for letting myself get this far. why was i not important enough to myself to take care of myself earlier on? its the ebb and flow of self reflection that goes on throughout this process.
the only thing that's been curbing this feeling to binge is to not undo what i've done so far, because i don't want to have any major setbacks. i don't want to make this any harder on myself. and, i need to love myself more and treat my body well, so that it functions properly and works for me.
i can't worry about all the people who seem to have it all together. i strive to get myself together.
keep it in mind
much love

I am such a hypocrite, I must admit. I want to tell you to not backslide, or at least if you must give in, give in to one meal only (you would have to binge for more than a couple of days to regaining 14 pounds----each pound is like what, 3,200 to 3,600 calories right? So, it would take a while to regain all that you have lost. I don't believe in cheat days, but darn it, if you want a slice of pizza (A SLICE), then freaking go for it. Just impose the minimum and not let it get crazy out of control.

be strong and realize that this is just something we all have to deal with.

you're not being a hypocrite
we've all been in the same situation...like i said, its the ebb and flow of this journey.
the only reason why i don't want to have a hard core binge is because i tend to feel physically sick and emotionally bad after it. i can deal with a cheat meal here and there, thats ok with me. but binges are more challenging to get through...
thanks for the moral support
how have you been doing?

I have been ok. Need to be more stingent with my food....I haven't been doing the hardcore binges, but I do realize that I have been snacking ALOT more than i used to, and that is probably significantly impacting my weightloss. I need to focus more on whole meals and stop my late night eating.

How have you been?

i'm also a big late night eater...during the day i'll be fine, stick to my program, eat at the right times, all the good stuff. once 8 o'clock rolls around, i feel ravenous and just want to eat anything! sugar free fudgesicles and air popped corn have become my sanity late night.
i had sort of a disasterous weekend...i drank quite a bit (to celebrate finally getting a job!) and that never leads to good food choices, so i'm being extra careful and spending some more time at the gym.
i find that when i cook veggies in bulk, i'll tend to snack on that versus something else. lately, i've been roasting everything- cauliflower with some olive oil, salt and pepper roasted in the oven is AWESOME. beats steaming it...and its a great snack to have on hand.
also, i find myself being more stringent when i'm writing everything down. pain in the butt, but keeps me in check
hope this helps! keep me updated!
xoxo