I feel so dumb for posting a lot lately, so sorry about that.
But I went to see family on Sunday. They are a very food-y side. They had a bbq, which wasn't bad I actually had small portions of everything I wanted and then came dessert. My uncle (whom I think I'll mention elsewhere in this post) piled on a crap load of strawberry shortcake. I ate it all. Twice, once after lunch and once for dessert. And I had a crap load of chips and dip and then today, today was AWFUL. I had a massive pancake with yogurt for breakfast, the butteriest grilled cheese and soggiest french fries I've ever had and then I came home and ate and ate and ate until there was nothing of my interest left. A lot. More than a lot, like a weeks worth of calories all in like today and yesterday. I just want to curl up and die because I feel so awful. I mean I get that just have to "keep going" and I can. I mean I can "keep going" but the MENTAL scar of this binge, of what I've done, and worrying about how it's affected me is going to stay there and bug me. And the family? I mean they always say "how skinny" my baby cousin is (she's three so I know this is going to sound ridiculous) but then they always imply how big everyone else is and I'm kind of being included in there. And my uncle and his wife well they've been trying to "get healthier" and that's great, it really is, but tbh it bugs me to no end. Like they talk about how long they've walked and how long they haven't eaten white bread for and things like that but I feel so...angry sometimes when they talk about it. They are still under the impression that I do absolutely nothing. Like yesterday they were planning on going for a walk today and they were like "Hey Rachel you want to go with us? Oh haha probably not you wouldn't want to either get up early or hike". ***** I am active. It makes me unbelievably angry to hear that, I mean I've been counting for like three months and it's been really hard for me to stay on track. I think that maybe part of the reason I've let myself get this far off is because of comments like that...if they can't see any progress why should I continue? You know? That's how I felt. I'm crying because I'm so angry and upset, I really am. I've blown the whole week on one day and...I'm just so upset. I'm so sorry for being so annoying in posting but....I just...I don't know...