I just want to get this off my chest. I am roughly 2 weeks binge-free. 3 of those days were off- but they weren't binges. This is probably the longest I have gone without bingeing- in about 4 years. I don't know what has changed- but I have just been doing really well with cal. counting and coming here constantly has helped unbelievably.
What is so weird right now though, is that I almost miss overreating. I am not having any intense food cravings- like I used to, but I am just craving the feeling of eating and eating in secret. Is that really sick?? I have read roughly 956 books and articles about overreating so I know so much about the psychology of it- but this longing just makes me feel even more odd than when I would be sitting in my car shoving donuts down my throat. While bingeing can be a frenzied thing-there was also this calming effect afterwards. I just miss that. I also feel like it was a time when it was all about me and I was really into what I was doing. I feel like now- I have nothing to do that is for me.. Gosh- I feel insane just typing this, but it's how I feel.
I don't feel like I'm at risk right now for bingeing- because there are no specific cravings going on- I am just craving a binge? Ugh..
I think what you miss is the feeling of not being in control when you are binging. I miss not stuffing my face with three Krispy Cremes at a sitting and not caring because I always felt like I would get back on the wagon "tomorrow." Well, there were a buttload of tomorrows and 20 pounds later, I finally decided I better stop procrastinating and get back in control. I don't think you're sick. Truth is, watching what you eat is just another obsession about food. When you go from binging to dieting, you are just trading in one addiction for another. I think about food ten times more when I am watching what I eat. It's completely parallel, like a mirrored image. This is my view. I just try to choose the lesser of the two evils, and that happens to be dieting/watching calories, and the reward doesn't taste as good, but I feel a lot better about myself.
I really get how you feel. I've binged pretty consistently for about 10 years. A couple weeks ago I switched over to a vegan diet, and now I just kind of feel satisfied and full most of the time. I used to always have a nagging hunger, even if I was so full it made me feel sick. But I used to have these pizza nights right, I'd go all day on my diet, feeling pretty good about things, and then suddenly at 11 pm I'd go and order 2 large pizzas... and then stay up for a few hours eating them while watching movies. It was just kind of my secret special time. Now sometimes at night I'll think about it and just miss the feeling I got from it. I don't even really know what the feeling was though, so it's hard to replace.
I know exactly how you feel and am going through it right now. My body doesn't have any physical cravings, and mentally I am strong enough to resist binging, but I miss being able to pig out on anything and everything and eat myself to oblivion. There's some sort of twisted comfort we get while we are binging but it soon dissipates after we have finished.
I don't think you are weird at all! I totally understand. I use bingeing as a way to "relax" and "unwind" at the end of the day and at the end of the week. Now, I have been trying to find other ways to relax and unwind.
You need to find new ways to have that calm feeling without using food. What are things you like to do?
Some things I am trying out:
- I like to do crafts: scrapbooking, sewing, etc. Where I can put all my focus and attention in that
- Gardening
- I am thinking about buying a cushion massager. One of those pads you put on your chair with the balls that roll up and down and massage you. I think that would be very relaxing.
- I like to do word/number puzzles. So I got some easy ones - ones that are just challenging enough to keep my attention, but not so hard that I really have to think! Lol!
- I meet with one of my friends for coffee fairly regularly and another friend for beers pretty regularly. I enjoy chit chatting and it is very relaxing and doesn't involve food.
Then, of course, there are things like meditating and yoga. Listening to music. Reading books.
mamaspank-You're definitely right about missing that feeling of letting go of control and eating all you want. It was a good feeling for about 20 seconds- until you feel sick and unhappy with yourself! Staying in control is definitely the lesser of two evils- that's a good way to think of it- I guess since I'm not really seeing any results I'm kind of like..why am I doing this again?
Ltlemissgrumpygrumps- yes watching movies alone and bingeing went sort of hand in hand for a while and yes it was destructive- but sort of comforting, I guess?
Latajones- It's comforting to hear someone feels the pretty much the exactly the same as me!
SCraver- I definitely agree it was a way to unwind! I have started crocheting as a way to way to relax. I also started yoga again recently- and that is definitely helping!
I've thought about this a lot. I think about the times when I have binged, especially the first few times I binged ever. I didn't feel guilty about it back then, so it just felt so liberating. Then it became very comforting. For me, binging is still very comforting. It's like I'm saying YES YES YES to anything I want. But when I think about it, I really saying YES to just one thing I want - food. I'm saying NO to self-control, health, feeling good tomorrow, being happy after I eat, etc etc. But just for a few minutes, maybe an hour if I'm lucky, I can just indulge myself and be happy. I love how it's a time when I just don't have to care, but I certainly care and feel awful about it after the fact.
Your not weird at all. I have been 20 days binge free, and I also had 3 days that I over ate, but did not binge. Now I am just really wanting to eat foods I have stayed away from for two years because of dieting and maintaining for so long. I eat whole foods only, and now I want every type of junk food I see. I didn't touch it yet, but I'm really afraid I will soon.
lizzie- that's exactly how i feel. it's a time when i don't care and let go- and i want that time back- but then i remember how i feel afterwards..
fruitlady- i am eating more whole foods and im learning it does increase the allure of processed junk. it's not like we don't know how bad it is for our health and weightloss- but it's quick and so satisfying. must. stay.away...
I've thought about this a lot. I think about the times when I have binged, especially the first few times I binged ever. I didn't feel guilty about it back then, so it just felt so liberating. Then it became very comforting. For me, binging is still very comforting. It's like I'm saying YES YES YES to anything I want. But when I think about it, I really saying YES to just one thing I want - food. I'm saying NO to self-control, health, feeling good tomorrow, being happy after I eat, etc etc. But just for a few minutes, maybe an hour if I'm lucky, I can just indulge myself and be happy. I love how it's a time when I just don't have to care, but I certainly care and feel awful about it after the fact.
hi lizzie!
I just saw your stats and it looks like we are in about the same range. I'm 151 pounds right now...trying to get to the 120-125 range. I see that you've lost a lot of weight since the beginning! That's so awesome! How have you done it with the added stress of overeating? I feel so discouraged sometimes thinking I'll never lose weight because of this "problem".
i am so weird
