Ugghhhhh.... today is day 1. I feel like such a failure :( :( :(

jdonato - thanks... my parents are not really 'on board' ... they just do not understand and we dont talk about it at all... so i try to have a great outlook and try not to let them get to me... not easy at all! if i have a plan, i am much better off and just take a deep breath and ignore them :)

ravensglen - try not to feel like failure!!! be proud that today is day 1 and earn it :) you can do this! we are here to listen!

We can do it, ravensglen. And tomorrow will be easier than today.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh i am fighting every fibre of my body to get up right now and eat eat eat... just had a less-than-pleasant discussion with my exhusband about two unpleasant topics......do not need to eat... eating will not help... deal with the emotions instead of eating... ahhhhh.... breath... just breath!!!! its okay to be sad that he is not the dad i would have wanted...forget it... i'll just call my boyfriend and that will keep me from eating ... cannot eat and talk on the phone (at least i cannot)... i want day 100, day 150, day 200... i dont want to binge and I AM NOT GOING TO!!!

Good job coming here instead, happy. Bingeing will not make you feel better; it will make you feel worse! Breathe! Make that phone call and stay strong!

I binged two days ago; yesterday was okay; and today was another binge. At least this time, for the first time, I actually logged every single thing I ate today. I'm a little depressed, but enlightened: today I managed to eat 3751 calories. Yikes!!!!!

I have never, ever actually seen on paper (well, computer screen) the caloric results of one of my binges ... now I know that binging does far, far more damage than I thought it did. I'm shocked, but glad I did it, because now I know I can't just say, "Oh, I'll just do better tomorrow."

Also, I'm posting here about my binges, openly and honestly, which is a big step for me. Normally I would hide my binges, both in real life and on 3FC. Thanks for giving me a supportive space to write about this. It's strange, because even though I messed up big-time today, I feel like I'm still moving in the right direction and I'm not going to give up. I'm gonna beat this binging habit, even if it takes a long time. Period!

Hi ladies. Once again, I find myself back here after a couple of months away from this thread. Once again, I find myself humbled and needing the support that I have always been able to find in this little corner of 3fc.

After a couple months binge-free, I thought I had it all figured out. Boy was I wrong. I have been bingeing on-and-off for the entire month of March and have gained 10 lbs as a result. My ticker is from the end of February. I actually weigh 155 lbs currently. Possibly a few lbs is water weight, but most of it is real weight. I have had a few things going on in my life that have contributed to this weight gain. These include getting sick w/ a nasty upper respiratory/sinus infection (never went to the dr, so I don't have a proper diagnosis) in early March, for which my body told me to eat, eat, eat. So I did. :( That lovely illness lasted for 3 weeks. I seem to get it every winter. Riding it out seems to be the best way to go. Also, as I'm writing this tonight, I am dealing w/ heartbreak from losing the 10 year old lab (he would have been 11 in July) I adopted late last October from a neglectful and abusive situation. He passed away last Monday morning. His name was Black Knight Colt and he was such a sweet, handsome, intelligent boy. We took him into the vet the week before he passed b/c he was very weak and lethargic and he was tested for Valley Fever (a fungal infection indigenous to the dirt in the southwestern USA) and the results came back on Monday that he was positive. Unfortunately it was too late. He most likely had had it for years, as the place where we rescued him from was just all dirt, which is where the spores live. It was not contagious to anybody b/c he did not have any open sores on his body. However, it most likely got into his bones and affected his organs as well. He had warped joints and could not walk very well. As it is, we had to use a stretcher to get him into the vet. For the last of the 5 months that I was blessed to have him in my life, taking care of him was very stressful. I truly did my best with him. However, that was not enough. We get his ashes back later this week but I have not had a chance to mourn him yet.

I am also freaking out about my 22 month old lab, Zachary. After his walk this morning he started to excessively drool. It has continued on and off throughout the day. My very ignorant town sprayed the heck out of the rocks, dirt and bushes at the parks and along the sidewalks on the route we took this morning and while I mostly kept him off of the areas that were sprayed there was minimal contact w/ those areas that I could not prevent. He didn't put his face in it or lick it or anything, though--he just walked on a small area. I cleaned his paws off when we got home but there is a possibility of poisoning. If the drooling continues tomorrow then I am calling his vet first thing in the morning and taking him in. I mostly need some prayers and good thoughts sent my way. I don't know what I would do if I lost Zachary. He is my family and I love him w/ all of my heart. As pathetic as this sounds, he is the only one in my life who has ever shown me unconditional love. B/c of my childhood I have a hard time opening up to people. I have already lost too much already. I can't lose Zach.

As for my bingeing, I don't have an appetite right now. I'm too worried. However, earlier in the day the stress was making me hungry and I ate far too many chocolate covered pretzels. I need to find a way to deal w/ the stress and unhappiness in my life w/out eating. I need to address the problems in my life w/ real solutions. I need to take action that does not involve food. I know I have depression. I have had it since I was a young child. The first time I binged I was 8 years old in my parents' variety store. I didn't know what I was doing at the time but I knew I could not get satisfied no matter how many bags of chips or candy I ate. I sort of understood at the time that I was trying to smush down unpleasant emotions I didn't want to feel. My parents worked from sun up to midnight every day and me and my 8 siblings were left to take care of each other in a dangerous neighborhood. My oldest brother, who was 15/16 at the time, also began to exhibit symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia around that time and my parents didn't even notice. He sustained massive brain injuries when he was 12 and hit by a car on his bike. When he woke up from his coma, he had a drastically different, and worse, personality. I was 4 when that happened. We had drug dealers trying to break down our door to get to my brother. Our parents were not home of course. I tried to get my mother's attention and love but she didn't even notice when my 8 year old self ballooned from a normal weight to very obviously overweight. My father was (and still is) very hurtful, abusive and deeply critical of me. He was always calling me names and trying to hurt me. Vicious is the word that comes to mind when describing his treatment of me. I grew up feeling very much unloved. My mother has never even asked me if I have depression. She instead calls me lazy and tells me there is something wrong with me.

I have tried to manage my depression w/ exercise (I exercise every day thanks to my puppy Zach insisting on daily early morning walk/runs) and eating healthy, but it doesn't seem to be working. I know the next step is to get professional help. The hard part for me is to actually take that step instead of self medicating with food, which is actually hurting and not helping me. I am a very private person and hold everything inside. In fact, I almost didn't post this b/c I was too embarrassed. But I know that I need to trust another person enough to help me. I don't trust anybody b/c early on in life I was let down by the people who are supposed to love and protect me. I have always felt like I should be able to handle everything all by myself. I am beginning to understand that it is far braver to reach out for and accept help for your problems than to pretend that you can take care of them all by yourself but never actually do anything about them.

If you have read all of this, thank you very much. I am only 27 years old and I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders tonight. I am hoping that by sharing w/ you all I will feel a little lighter and also get back on the road to being binge-free and losing the 10 lbs I've gained as well as get down to goal by mid-summer. I would also appreciate any and all prayers/positive thoughts for my puppy Zach. He's all I have left and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me so far in my life. I need him to be with me for quite a while longer. He is not even 2 yet and has a lot of life left to live.

I will be back on tomorrow with an update and to start day 1 binge-free. I will probably be too embarrassed to come on here after posting this but I will make myself. This is my truth, as awful as it is, after all.

:hug:

Hi, Esperanza -- I'm not sure of all the right words to say, but I wanted to let you know that I read your post and I am so sorry you've gone through all these hard things. Know that we are always here to listen. I know you said you have a hard time trusting people, but you're welcome here. I remember you and am glad to see you back. I'll be thinking of you and Zach -- please keep us posted on how he's doing. I hope he's OK.

Good morning all,

Happytobemomof2 - I hope you made it through yesterday without resorting to binging. It sounds like you had your head on straight.

Esperanza - My heart goes out to you. You do have a lot on your plate right now but just be as strong as you can and take it one day at a time. I did the same thing, I was binge free for 5 months and I totally lost it in March and gained back about 13 pounds. I was dealing with some issues in my life and I turned to binging. I know we can do this so hang in there.

Skyra - I've never added up the calories from one of my binge days but this is good to see it in writting. Hopefully, the next time you're tempted, you can reflect back on the amount of calories you're putting into your body. Thanks for sharing that.

Well I barely made it through last night but I managed to hang on. I did have a few too many WW 1 pt bars but didn't binge. Today I am determined to make day 4 of no binging. I hope everyone else has a successful day!

Esperanza-I was wondering where you'd gone and was hoping you were okay! I'm glad you're back. You and I were on a good non-binging streak--I fell off the wagon too!

I can't imagine how you must feel with everything have to deal with, but please don't feel embarassed to come back here. You are part of this community! As for your depression, have you gone to see anyone about it? I mean, talking to regular people is certainly wonderful and useful, but it seems that you've got a lot going on, and a lot from your past that a professional would be able to handle really well. I think it's scary to go see someone in that capacity, so I can understand if you're hesistant, but do consider it.

I'm on Day 19.

fruitlady: keep it up! almost to day 7! It's ok to overeat, congrats on not binging. You're getting the hang of it, I know you can do it :)

raven: You are not a failure...not at alll! You are on this forum to get help and that's not a failure that's progress! Let's get through Day 1 and we will work on Day 2.

Happytobe: I understand about just ignoring them. If you talk about it, it could get confrontational and cause more stress which leads to binging....I'm so sorry about your unpleasant conversation with you ex last night. I hope you were able to call your bf to keep from bingeing...I love what you said about seeing 100, 150 and 200. Anytime you feel stress from you ex and want to binge think of this....they are ex's for a reason, and you are in a better place and a better person...your Skinny! And you are going to keep yourself in a better place, for you and your family...I can tell your one awesome mom:D

WardHog: We all have you to thank for starting this thread for all of us to get help. Thank you sooo much! Seriously, this is the first time I've been open about my life and tried to get it under control. I hope everything is going well for you.


Skyra: I know exactly what you mean! I never wrote down my binges even though I have a CC book, I just left that page blank and figured oh well I'll start tomorrow. Then when I finially wrote down exactly what I ate and how many calories....I had the same Ahhhhaaa moment you did. That's what made me come on here to get help. I saw I needed help. I am so proud of you for being able to write that down and see that. You are moving in the right direction.....you can do it!


EsperanzaBella82: I'm sending major hugs your way :hug::hug::hug:. I am truely sorry you've gone through so much, and I want to say we are all here for you whenever you need it. This group is one of the best groups i've known and they are all very supportive here. Vent all you want on here and we will help you through it.

GettinFit: Way to hang in there! You will make Day 4 and continue to make every other day....go have the drive and the support. Get it done:carrot:! OH and health bars are the devil:devil:....they are sooo good and you figure since they are healthy i can have more than one.....if they want you to be healthy than don't make them sooo tasty! lol

duqserb: I'm right there with you on the pre-exams and pre-spring break weight. I gaind a few lbs over break too and finially back down. And normally during finals I figure...I'm so stress i'll eat what I want to help and then start back up when they are done...it never helps. I wish you the best of luck in school and with all your stuff, and amazing job on Day 6!


paris81: wahoo on Day 19! You're doing great, Keep it up!





I'm on Day 12...this is the longest I've been able to keep my weight consistent and it feels good! I've never made it two weeks so lets hope I get through this challenge and on to the next. I hope everyone has a wonderful day, it's beautiful here in Michigan...72 today! Enjoy the weather!

And 46.

Day 10.

ladies - you are bringing tears to my eyes... with your support and your struggles!

I am proud to report i did NOT binge last night!!!! I talked to my bf and put it all in perspective...went to bed...had a good cry...and feel asleep... Today the sun is shining, outside and in my heart!

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!