Hi everyone,

Im a long time lurker and new poster as of today!not sure if this is the right forum for this but i'll give it a go!
to give some background info i spent a year and a half losing 63lbs..started at 184lbs, finished at 119.. as you can imagine this was a huge change in image, i was so determined while losing weight, honestly i barely ever allowed myself a treat. i maintained that loss for a year..again by being extrememly strict on calorie control, i just behaved as if chocolate,biscuits,cakes etc didnt exist and apart from now and then i didnt feel deprived, i felt healthy and in control and loved myself and now i feel completely hopeless and completely out of control and am starting to hate what i see in the mirror..

it all started at xmas time, my dad got sick so the whole family was stressed, im single so feel all alone and like theres no one to look good for, feel a bit stuck in a rut in general in life,i guess i just got fed up of being so strict on myself for the guts of 2 years, lets say. So i decided to allow myself to let go of the food reigns, so to speak..BIG MISTAKE,i ate and i ate and i ate..(it was meant to be just for xmas, then back to healthy diet but its like the food monster in me was released and now its almost 2 and a half months later and i cant get my eating back under control.its like all my good habits have been broken and im more addicted to junk food than i ever was before i dieted!). Ive gained 28lbs. i have literally stuffed my face..eaten more the last two months than i probably did over the last year i was maintaining!!

to be honest im scared, i feel totally preoccupied with food, i keep trying to get back on the wagon,struggle through a day of healthy eating, then all i can do is think about food and end up binging.whereas while maintaining i would eat my 3 meals and a few snacks and feel satisfied and yes i would look forward to my next meal but i wasnt preoccupied..and as you can imagine ballooning from being a size 4(american size)(size 8-uk) to now probably a 10-12(uk) is distressing.
I really need support and help, how do i do this? how can i stop this preoccupation with food? i want to be healthy. i dont want to eat this junk food..but now ive started its like i cant stop and its already got too far in terms of weight gain. im feeling completely overwhelmed as the lbs pile up and i know i need to stop this now.
im honestly so scared and dont know who to turn to, any advice would mean so much to me..

thanks everyone!
xxxx

wibbly - BIG HUG!!!

it is almost like I wrote this!!! I can COMPLETELY understand where you are at... Here is my story

Jan 2007 I cut out all junk food too. Dropped 65lbs from my highest of 320lbs. In Oct 2008 I hired a personal trainer (after having a second baby and splitting with my husband three months later). I dropped 75lbs in less than 7 months. (total 140lbs, so i am now hoovering at 180lbs)

In April 2009 I opened 'pandora's box' so to speak - i figured i had lost so much weight and was so sick and tired of not allowing myself any treats at all (no birthday cake, no nothing!) that i went crazy!!! i binged nearly every day or every other day from April until Dec with only a couple of weeks here and there where I had it 'under control' again...

To me, this "normal" way of eating (i.e. a treat here and there) was way way harder than saying "no" to alllllll treats.

A couple of months ago (right after Christmas) I had made myself so sick binging that I just snapped. I stopped binging and havent started up again. Here is what works for me:

- I have a therapist (and have had her for a few years now) to help me
- I eat about 2100 cal a day, but never EVER lower than 1800
- I exercise vigorously EVERY SINGLE DAY! I have not missed a day in more than 15 months, binge or no binge
- I have a piece of toast before bed so i do not go to bed hungry
- i have protein at each major meal (which are approx 550 cal each)
- i have small snacks in between (approx 100 cal x 3 per day...rough)
- my morning is carb heavy and goes down as the day goes on
- i drink a ton of water and tea (like 5+ ltrs a day)
- i use sugar free gum in between to help out if i am really craving sweets
- i allow myself treats on special occasions (normally out of the house) and dont keep trigger foods in the house

Most importantly, I have realised that I am beautiful, loveable and that this 'new' body is here to stay because I DESERVE IT!

I hope this helps, even a little... just know that you are NOT ALONE !!!!

Lets put the lid back on pandora's box together and realise that treating ourselves occassionally is okay and it doesnt always have to be a food treat...

biggest hugs!!!

I can relate to being out of control as well. AND a yo-yo dieter/binger as well.

I can't tell you how many times I've lost the same 100 pounds, only to slowly gain it back.

I get so frustrated with myself and that, of course, leads to more out of control eating.

happytobeamomof2--thanks for sharing what is working for you.
lukesmom

I think anyone reading your post can relate to you! You are not alone. I had a similar experience of letting go over Xmas 2006 after a big weight loss (darn those holiday blues for single people). It might be good to seek some professional help or to attend an Overeaters Anonymous meeting - they have a thread on this site. There may be some deeper issues or triggers that are going on for you.

But, whatever you do, try not to let "all or nothing" thinking get you down. Just because you've gained some back doesn't mean you have to give up hope. This may be terrible advice, but maybe you could trying thinking of it this way: You had some time to splurge; maybe allow yourself another few days or another week of that (set a date if that helps), then go back on plan. I know if it were that easy; we'd all be doing it, but it's worth a shot. Keep fighting the good fight. We're all pulling for you! Best of Luck to you.

Thanks so much for your replies.. it helps a lot to feel im not alone!!
ive restarted again today, i think the main thing is trying to keep food out of my mind, just try to view food as fuel..

happytobeamomof2-thanks for sharing so much, you sound like you have it sussed out now! i hear ya on the sugar free gum, it really helps. i know with me a lot of it is just boredom eating so that keeps my mouth occupied! and you are right, no matter what size we are we are beautiful and i know accepting that is the most important thing.. i guess we get trapped in our own little bubbles esp where we have weight problems, where the way we look dictates our lives and rules our brains.. Its sad but its hard to get over!BIG HUGS back.. x

lukesmom- its tiring isn't it? when you think back of all the hard work you put in to losing it the first time, only to be faced with it again. you do get so frustrated and overwhelmed,i completely relate, i guess we need to stop viewing food as a crutch. x

Thinkinthin-that really helped me. its funny how we all go through the exact same situations! like i said above im restarting again today. no snacking, focus off food, must keep myself busy.. im definitely thinking about going to see someone yes, but gonna give this a shot first. I know that i can do it again, never again will i allow myself a splurge period..i reckon humans are too weak to eat like a pig, then go back to strict eating..i know i am anyway! x

[QUOTE]never again will i allow myself a splurge period..[/QUOTE

Hope you don't get mad, but there goes that dangerous "all or nothing" thinking. Valerie Bertinelli has said she builds in a "splurge" day every week. It may only be one extra treat in the day, but at least mentally, you feel like you're getting something "naughty" and it may keep you from crashing and burning. I'm trying to incorporate some of that into my thinking. Just a thought. Continued luck...

Wow, sounds like me. I have started binging because I also never cheated on my diet , ate 1000 cal. a day, lost the weight and maintained for 17mo. now. Every time I binge I wonder if I can get right back into my healthy eating again or will I be able to lose the weight gained from a binge. Sometimes you just want to keep eating whatever you want and you just don't want to stop. I understand.

i just keep trying to remind myself that it's a lifestyle change, & not a diet. that way i can splurge on the occasional culvers, & not feel horrible. for me the hardest time is at night (which is right now)! it helps to come on here & read everyone's posts. you can do it!

thinkinthin- i know you're right, i fully admit i have that all or nothing philosophy.. I just dont know how to get rid of it seeing as its the way ive been for the last 2 years.. xx

fruitlady-you sound just like me..whatever you do just dont let it spiral, i kept thinking "one more day and ill restart my healthy diet so may as welll stuff my face today because from tomorrow there'll be no more of this food!".Its a really really bad thinking pattern to be in and im gonna try my best to change the way i think. I never had a tendency to binge eat before i dieted, i wasn't even bothered by chocolate biscuits/food in general..(i just ate high calorie meals i suppose so thats how the weight was on),but now this all or nothing thinking has brought on binges..probably like you?feels comforting to know im not in this alone xx

diornotwar-thank you,you're so sweet! you're right it really helps to read posts. night time is hard! i find anytime im bored and sitting around is really dangerous!i did allow myself the occassional treat while maintaining but i would say "no" more or less all the time. i think you just get to the point where the little kid in you screams "hmmph im fed up of saying no!". so you're right its got to be a lifestyle change, a way you can live forever without piling back on the lbs!xx

I agree that it has to do with the "all or nothing" thinking.

I also think that when we diet, we split ourselves in two. One half of us becomes a stern authority figure who tells us what we can & can't eat. (I'll call that side of us "the boss.") The other half of us becomes the obedient employee who follows the rules set by the boss & works hard to attain her goals.

(You said "kid," Wibblywobbly, and I agree -- it could also be seen like a kid & a very strict parent.)

But if this state of affairs goes on too long, without the employee seeing a weekend or a vacation or a raise anywhere in sight, she may become a little burned out & gradually becomes rebellious. And during a time of tension, when the boss goes away, the employee may just start to act up. To sit back with her feet on the desk, blast the iPod, ignore the phone calls, eat & eat at her desk, whatever. It's like giving the boss a giant middle finger. And a feeling of entitlement: "I've worked so hard, for so long, I **deserve** a break."

It's a rampage. It's chaos.

What you need to do is work hard, but be less strict, build in some downtime, some pleasure. Not necessarily with food, though. When life looks like nothing but bleakness & endless unfulfilled duties & tasks, then it's tempting to binge, to rebel & to grab at all the pleasure we can. And as we're all recognizing, that's a very "all or nothing" place to be in.