Hello friends. After losing 37lbs in the summer and autumn I have fallen into some old familiar patterns of bingeing since Thanksgiving. I have gained 3lbs, which is miraculous since I've been eating without control or portioning, fast food, and junk food.
I've been in therapy addressing this ED for almost a year and I thought I got better but now I'm back to square one. I'm up to my old tricks again - lying about what I ate, sneaking and hiding food, and making excuses to eat... you know the old standbys. My husband is very concerned with my behavior and has been speaking up this past week. Mostly he tells me he wants me to get back on track, he's worried about me, etc. But I get so angry that I can't control myself and it makes me eat to spite him. This weekend I wanted some cake for dessert and I tried to rationalize that it was ok because I didn't eat all of my dinner but he said "I can't stop you from eating cake but I don't like this one bit." Well that's it, I blew up at him and told him that he was policing me and trying to control me. I didn't end up having the cake but he hasn't spoken to me since. I know I said something I shouldn't have said in anger but now I'm feeling lost without his support. My actions were those of an addict, I know that, but how can I help him understand that I didn't mean it? What should I do? My ED is coming between us and I don't know how to help myself let alone him.
I don't know what you should do- but if I were in your shoes I'd go over and apologize to him. Maybe tell him you understand his concern, cuz you are concerned as well, and then ask him to just bear with you. And if you think him telling you things is making it worse- ask him to stop saying anything about it for now- cuz you feel it doesn't help when he makes comments.
If you feel you are getting out of control maybe speak to your therapist about this and possible try to do something (maybe an activity) that will get your mind off the binges again. And if you have all this holiday food in the house maybe it's best to throw it out or give it away so you won't be tempted to binge on them?
I'm not in your position so I dont know if I can help you. Maybe try talking to him, tell him youre sorry you blew up at him and I dont know if he has ever ried to lose weight or not, but tell him how hard and frusturating it can be. Tell him you do need his support and help.
Do you think he might agree to go meet with your therapist on his own to talk about his feelings about your ED and how to best to interact with you when things like this come up?
I understand what you were feeling about the cake. When my parents used to tell me not to eat something I wanted, it almost always set off a binge for me.
I did apologize but he's still not talking to me. I don't blame him for being angry, it must be frustrating to watch the person you love self-destruct. I'm trying to get better for the both of us, but I have enough to worry about with trying to lose weight and I'm a little resentful that I have to worry about him too.
Location: Currently in AZ but my heart is always in Texas
Posts: 18
S/C/G: 330/262/170
Height: 5'7"
I'm an emotional eater. I'm also an addict. Food is the one addiction I've allowed myself to keep and now I'm fighting it.
In the last year I've lost 41 lbs but then stopped losing for a while. However, I managed to control my old binging habits.
Here's something that has helped me in the last year. I gave myself permission to eat any and everything I want. Nothing is off limits. Nothing can be guilty.
Oddly, by giving myself permission I banished that frantic, compulsive, lying, food hiding woman from my life. Maybe you need to give yourself permission? And perhaps you need to tell your husband what I told mine?
"I love you, I need you, I need your support. But my biggest hurdle is to not panic and resort to eating due to control issues. Please PLEASE baby don't police me. Believe in me. Because if you believe in me....then it helps me to believe in myself."
Now I know this all sounds so absurd and silly. But it's worked for me. I've decided to do a replacement program due to our lifestyle but I no longer binge, purge, hide, lie, secret eat or attempt to destroy myself with food.
I did apologize but he's still not talking to me. I don't blame him for being angry, it must be frustrating to watch the person you love self-destruct. I'm trying to get better for the both of us, but I have enough to worry about with trying to lose weight and I'm a little resentful that I have to worry about him too.
Apologize again- sincerely- take his hands, look him in the eyes, and say "I know your mad, and I'm really sorry, I'm working on this, please forgive me."
Don't worry about him! He's fine- worry about yourself for now.
I think having him go with you to the therapist might be beneficial for both of you (1 or 2 sessions) and he can understand more how to help and when to back off
Your problem really touches me, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Now, I'm not married, so take this as you will, but I wonder if it's more important first off to take care of your own feelings about your bingeing. That's the only thing you can control. You can't do anything about how he feels, you can only change yourself. Your focus on HIS anger and your frustrating with HIS anger is not helping you heal YOU. And you need to focus on you. It seems like you're in a vicious circle, upset by him being upset, which probably doesn't help with bingeing, wanting to rebel, etc, leading you to eat more, leading him to be angry.
I've learned through many people trying to control me (both in benevolant and destructive ways), what I do, what I eat, how I live that these people will always fail, because only I have control over what I do. So focus on healing yourself, and the rest will take care of itself.
I have to say I disagree with most of you and agree with paris 81.Trying to control another person rarely works , even if it is for their own good. Your husband is controlling and policing you. I don't think you owe him an apology about your eating. You might say you are sorry that you got angry but I don't think you need to apologize about what you do or do not eat. I suggest that you ask him to stop nagging you as it does not help.You need to take care of yourself.
Thank you all for the advice. I'm seeing my therapist today and will be discussing this. My husband is talking to me now, he seems fine but just a little distant. He says he'll stop policing me but I think it's solely for the reason that he's scared of my reactions. He doesn't want to pester me because he doesn't want us to fight. Is that a good reason? I guess I'll take it.
There is no other person that can go on this journey with me. Nobody, not even my husband can possibly understand. All I know is if I want us to have a healthy marriage I'm going to have to control this.
How do I help my husband deal with my bingeing?
