I just had a bizzare and disheartening experience.
I've been dieting for 3 weeks, and I've been really good. The biggest "binge" that I've had was an extra piece of turkey at Thanksgiving. I haven't had many cravings or anything. I've made lots of good choices, and I've been proud of myself for having a desire to get healthy as opposed to skinny.
Well I just got a box of chocolates for Christmas. I wasn't horrible...I checked the label and it said 5 pieces were 220 calories. Obviously doesn't fit into my diet, but I figured I'd allow myself my first chocolate in a month. I only ate 3 pieces, and was able to pack the rest away. I was considering throwing the box away to get rid of temptation, but figured I'd take it into work tomorrow. So after I ate my chocolates I was watching some TV and I was overwhelmed with guilt that I'd eaten the chocolate. I was disgusted with myself. I kept thinking about how I'll see a gain for the week now, and how I just ruined everything for myself.
And, I'm really ashamed/embarrassed to say this, it's so out of character for me, but as I was sitting there, I had this overwhelming need to get the offending chocolate *out.* Got up, went to the bathroom, and made myself sick It was a desperate out of control feeling as if I was getting revenge on my body for screwing up so badly.
Afterwards, I felt more guilty about doing that than eating the chocolates. I do NOT want to go down that path, and I'm shocked at what I just did...and ashamed, like I said. I haven't had any other eating disorder-ish feelings. My self confidence and body image has improved tons over the last few weeks. I've been enjoying my balanced healthy meals, and I've been exercising but in moderation.
Don't beat yourself up too much about it. You realize that what you did wasn't healthy behavior. Acknowledge it, promise yourself not to do it again, and move on. It's only a small hiccup. You've been so good this whole time. Don't allow yourself to feel like you failed. No one is perfect. You're doing great. BUT promise yourself that if you continue to follow this pattern, that you will seek help. Good luck and remember that we're all here to support you. Have a great weekend.
Do you think that part of the problem, or do you even realize, that you're labelling 132 calories as "screwed up so badly" and you're telling yourself you'll gain weight from 132 calories?
Please, please be kind to yourself. After you eat a bit too much, or eat the wrong thing ***do not PUNISH yourself.***
That means not berating yourself & not feeling "disgusted" with yourself. I'll bet anything that the things you were saying to yourself as you sat there watching TV were nastier than anything you'd be likely to say to anyone else in your life -- particularly someone who is close to you.
It amazes me how so many women -- myself included, or I wouldn't write back to you with such understanding about what you did -- who would never abuse anyone else so stridentlyare capable of turning so unforgiving when it comes to themselves.
Forgive yourself. Learn from what you did. Resolve to do better. Move on.
Do not sit there with your mind half on the TV, all the while brooding, making those pieces of chocolate bigger & bigger & bigger in your mind, with every minute, until your transgression is like this horrible thing you've done.
It was just a bit of food. And you'll know better the next time. Really.
In the meantime, no punishment. No regrets. Look forward, not back.
Sounds like you're talking about a good girl. Someone well-behaved. Someone who'd get a parental pat on the head.
Which is okay until you eat something & feel unhappy about it, because then you may start calling yourself bad. A bad girl. And that's when you start beating up on yourself.
It's better to think of yourself as
Quote:
having made good choices
, as you say in another part of your post. Then it's not you who's good or bad, inherently. It's just a way of describing your choices. Like, "good, better and best."
This may help take the anxiety out of the experience -- as you must have been feeling a great deal of pain & anxiety to get to the point where you could throw up, when you weren't already feeling ill.
Try not to beat yourself up over it...I may be preaching to the choir if you read the post I just did, but you have been doing so great regularly (even on Thanksgiving...AWESOME!!) and I really think what saef said is right on the ball.
Don't go down the road of purging, it is something I have struggled with off and on for a few years...each time you do it, it gets a little easier and it is jsut horrible to be of the mindset that it is ok to do, because it is absolutely not...not to mention the damage the stomach acids do to tooth enamel and gums. It's not good honey, try not to despise yourself, but please don't go down that road.
P.S. We have the same height and weight measurements, how weird!
I agree with everyone else, you might want to change the way you think about eating 3 chocolates, it's the holidays treating your self is OK.
You defiantly shouldn't beat yourself up, it was a mistake and you learned from it. I think it's good that you realized how horrible it was to treat your body that way. I've been a severe bulimic for 10 years and I've always been numb to the fact that it's destroying my body and mind.
I actually took Epicac as I do not have a strong gag reflex. I know that is absolutely hideous. I went through basically the same feelings you did--anxiety, stress, shame, fear. Needless to say I will never, ever do that again. I thought I was near death for several hours. I still cannot believe I did it and I have never told anyone. (This was early 2009.) Somehow telling 3FC today, is freeing. My calories were well over 1000 though. 132? You are doing great. You are on the path to success. This day was just a bit steeper incline than you have had the last few weeks.
Last edited by Thighs Be Gone; 12-11-2009 at 05:44 PM.
That is how I typically react to a binge. The out of control feeling escalades into a need to gain back control feeling...and the "out" seems to be purging.
However, my binges are usually 5000 + calories..when I feel the need to purge.
It's the all or none attitude.
First of all don't beat yourself up. Second of all, examine your diet to see if you have too many "no's". This sets you up for a fall. Incorporate little "200" cs splurges into your diet.
This is not the end of the world, and you are not losing it...it's just a little blip. You are trying to navigate through learning better eating habits vs. resistance to change you might be feeling.
What did I just do?
It was a desperate out of control feeling as if I was getting revenge on my body for screwing up so badly.
Have a great weekend.
