ugh (binging-related rant)
 

Hi guys.

With the support of this forum I was able to go 5 days binge-free... which is better than I've done in a long, long time. So first off, thank you. :hug:

HOWEVER, I feel awful. I have not been trying hard enough. I have eaten far more than I needed for the last THREE days. Yesterday I was doing SO great all day until my roommate came home from work ... with an entire cake. I have 5 roommates, so everybody else was eating it and ... needless to say, I caved, and I stuffed myself with cake until I felt sick. And had hot chocolate. And alcohol. And pumpkin seeds.

It is 7 hours later and I STILL feel sick to my stomach, and I feel so upset. I'm afraid to tell anyone I'm trying to lose weight, so when my roommates offer me junk food, it's so easy for me to cave, not only because I want the food, but because I think they'll think I'm a weirdo if I refuse it. The other night my roommate offered me chips and I said no thanks, and he looked at me funny and he said ...

"What... are you afraid of getting fat??"

To which I should have said, "No, I just don't want any chips, thank you," but instead I laughed uneasily and plunged into the chips with everybody else.

Nor did I tell him, "I already think I'm fat." I don't dare tell anybody in my real life that that's how I see myself, lest they start worrying about me.

Thanks for giving me a space to rant. I guess I just... am so frustrated. I took pictures of myself yesterday because it's been 45 days since I started my exercise program. I looked at the pictures.... and I can't tell a difference at all!! It's so disheartening. I know that I am much more fit than I was (I get through my exercises much easier and can lift heavier weights), but I don't LOOK any different. I've only lost 2.5 inches in the last month and a half. And I'm heavier than I've ever been.

I know I'm building muscle... but I can't tell because I still have this layer of FAT as a result of my binging. It makes me feel like I'm wasting my time.

I really think I need to STOP this binging habit before I will see any sort of change in my weight. It does no good to NOT binge for 5 days if I binge three days in a row. Right?

The good thing is that I've realized that I easily binge two, three, even FOUR days out of EVERY week, even when I'm "trying to lose weight" ... it's no wonder I don't get anywhere!! I bet if I stop binging I CAN get somewhere! I know it sounds dumb but for a long time I thought my body wasn't capable of losing weight... but it's just that I'm eating too much!

I feel so dumb next to all you rockstars who actually make PROGRESS every week! Some of you have lost 25, 50, 100+ pounds and here I am ... no pounds lost! Not making any progress ... just like I always have!! I am at my wits' end.

And already my roommates are talking about baking cupcakes & cookies for next weekend's Halloween party ... and I feel so helpless... I wish none of this stuff was in the house because I feel helpless to resist it when it is!

Any similar experiences? Advice? ANYTHING? I feel like this forum is the key to getting me out of these habits; all the support is really helpful. I just want to get somewhere... lose even just 5 pounds... and I don't feel like I can do it on my own...

Thanks for listening. :hug:

I'm not in your shoes, but maybe the first step is to do that hard thing and tell your roomates and friends that you want to lose weight? I read somewhere that usually it's that thing that "you just can't do" that is what you really need to do ...

I am very sorry to hear about your binging. I have to deal with my own 2 binging days myself too, after a terrible weekend eating everything in sight.
But once more I refuse to give up and I call today another day and am ready to restart.
Was it a terrible weekend? Yes! Am I ashamed of myself? Yes! But life goes on and if I don’t act, food will rule my life and today I realize that isn’t the way it should be...
So, I’ll learn from this mistake (once again) and get up and stoping feeling bad for myself because it won’t bring me anywhere. Instead, I’ll act and make the best choices I can today and tomorrow and after tomorrow... because yesterday is past. And the future depends on the choices I’ll make today.
Hope you start over with me.
Good luck to you!!! and stay strong. We can do it!!!

Id you don't want to tell people that you are on a diet b/c you don't want them to nag you about it, perhaps you can convince them you are simply trying to eat healthier (which is true!) Tell them you want to try to cut your sugar intake, no trans fats, or limiting salt intake, etc...

You shouldn't have to answer to anybody about something as personal as what you eat. But at least giving them a simple reason will probably get them off your back.

kaybelle, good plan. Don't make them associate healthier eating with wanting to lose weight.

at the same time... this could be just an excuse to eat... been there, done that...

I often have tons of binge trigger foods around my house for my DD lunches, or DH's snacking habits ... and it was making me CRAZY, I would obsess about them being there... so what I started doing that helped was stuffing myself with on plan foods every time I started thinking about binging - I've been drinking tons of water, 2 8oz glasses every time I want to eat, broth soup, or drinkable fiber, tons of crunchy low cal veggies - its kind of like Thanksgiving, where you are unbutton-your-pants-full and can't even stand to look at food, and at worst a bite or 2 because it's just so uncomfortable to eat......... it has helped

I'm tellin' ya...you should not feel dumb. I feel dumb because I lost 100lbs and can't remember how I did it. It's like, I woke up one morning (July 17th, 2008 to be exact) and suddenly had will power. I stopped binge eating (wish I could tell you how I managed that...) and started seeing results on weigh-in days. Fast-forward to Easter 2009, I had my first major binge episode since July. And it was bad. In May, I had a bad binge weekend when I went on a trip with some friends. Had a bad binge week in June. And then proceeded to on-off binge my way through the whole months of August and September. At the end of July I was down to 155. Now, last Thursday I weighed in at 173 (didn't change my ticker, I'm hoping it was mostly water...I'll know on Thursday!). I don't even know how to explain it. It's like the will-power that magically appeared in July is fading with each and every binge I have. And right now, I'm at a loss for how to get it back.

Sorry that was so Debbie Downer, I didn't intend for it to be! I just wanted to let you know that just because I've had success, doesn't mean I'm any better or more in control of this than you are. You are NOT alone! The only advice I can give (and I know it's redundant!) is to just take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. That's what I'm concentrating on right now. Make a good choice THIS minute. Then make another one the next. And so on until the minutes become hours, hours become days, and days become weeks. I'm finding that if I think too far in advance, it stresses me out. I can choose not to binge this very minute. And, that I think, is a success to celebrate.

Oh I am so with you here. My house is CONSTANTLY full of baked goods, which I've determined are my number one weakness. I could eat baked goods non-stop til I'm sick (and I've actually done that). And it is such a feeling of helplessness, so do not think you're weak for feeling that way.

But keep this in mind too, it DOES matter if you don't binge 5 days in a week. That's 5 whole days! Think if you'd binged 8 instead of 3! That would be so much worse!

Probably none of my rambling helped, lol, but just know you don't have to do it on your own! We'll always support you here!

Thank you everyone for your kind words, advice & support. I will definitely tell my roommates I'm eating healthier. I work out really hard and they know it so I could always tell them I just need the proper fuel to be able to get through those workouts :)

Also, I will try stuffing myself on broth soup & water & that kind of thing ... funny how I never thought of that before... if my stomach is full of soup I'm still getting that "stuffed" feeling that I sometimes crave without all the unhealthiness! What a great idea! :hug:

Foxxy -- you were TOTALLY helpful. Thank you for taking the time to respond and give encouragement. You're right -- one good decision at a time. Let this weekend worry about itself. No point throwing this whole week out just because this weekend is Halloween. And it's good to know that I'm not weak or dumb. I think I have to put those self-abusive thoughts to rest before I'm going to get anywhere.

Here's to our next decisions being healthy ones! :)

Skyra--
I am sorry to hear about all the pressure you feel! I also like to keep my eating issues a secret.

I don't have roommates anymore, so what I eat on a day-to-day basis is not anything anyone would notice. But during this weekend away I couldn't hide! If they were all eating junk and I was munching on carrots, they would all notice! And I would feel like a freak!

It is really weird that FOOD or alcohol would make any difference in a friendship. I started thinking about how anxious I have been about whether people like me and somehow in my head I think that if I don't go along with the crowd they will think I am a freak and they won't like me. Or if I didn't drink a lot and get silly they would think I am boring.

Why do we think this way? Are we afraid that they think we are judging THEM?

When coming face-to-face with temptation and peer pressure, I try to beg off by saying things like "I had a huge lunch" or "If it is not chocolate, I don't even bother" or "I am saving myself for those cupcakes" or "I already ate a bunch of junk today and I need to take it easy"

I think these things are things a "normal" person would say, not just someone who is dieting. I am always asking myself what would a normal person do? It seems to help guide me.

It sounds like you have a lot of friends who eat a lot of junk and it is really hard to be the one eating healthy, but I bet if you started doing it they would really respect you for it. I would guess you are not the only one in the group struggling...

Good luck!! I am thinking about you!!!:hug:

KL

yes karen! it's so strange to see how much culture is tied in with food. It's like we are obliged to fall into the group norms...

Thanks Karen :hug: