I can't believe I'm back to this again...
 

...smuggling late night food. My mom and brother were so proud of the progress I was starting to make, and now I'm smuggling food from the kitchen in the middle of the night like a filthy cockroach. Boatloads of food. Not even bothering to take a piece of this, a portion of that, I just grab the whole thing, and chow down like I'm preparing for a long and cruel winter or ice age. Honestly, I hoard food at night like I'm in a warzone, like what if I never see food again! It's rediculous and I don't know what suddenly changed to make me feel this way. I tend to stay up late (like now) and begin to feel this gut-wrenching apprehension about unsatisfying amounts of food between now and morning, the way a person feels living paycheck to paycheck. I wish I could just go to bed, but I can't. Even if I only got a few hours sleep the night before, my insomnia seems to have the endurance of an energizer bunny and I have nothing to fill it except for food or thoughts of food. Am I going insane? Why can't I just sleep? Why can't I just leave food alone until morning? What am I so scared of?

And please, don't get offended about the cockroach thing or remind me of how it's self-deprecating. I just need to vent, so I am. I feel terrible. Like really nasty awful and writing is the only thing keeping me from crying and becoming a messy heap of a person right now. I just want to know if anyone understands..

Of course we understand, many of us have had similar experiences. It's like a vicious cycle... you binge, you feel guilty, you hate yourself, you vow never to do it, and then you can't think about anything other than planning your next meal. So many times I go to sleep thinking about what I'm going to cook the next day. Other times it comforts me to plan about a binge the next day. After 8 months of therapy I'm finally able to control my bingeing and not follow through with those planned binges but for some reason I can't stop thinking about food. Do you have someone to talk to, like a therapist? I'm not a doctor but I truly believe that it is impossible to overcome an eating disorder with willpower. The idea of that is as ridiculous as trying to get rid of a cancerous tumor with willpower alone, all the while hating yourself and feeling guilty about it.

I hear you.
One day at a time.

I find I do better if I keep track of EVERYTHING I PUT IN MY MOUTH and know how many calories I have consumed @ every step (mobile Weight By Date on my PDA helps, sometimes I ignore doing this and that is when I usually give in or make it worse).

To be honest, I honestly thought last night about seeing a shrink. That's how out-of-control I felt. Except I don't happen to have $90/hr to spend, and I'm leary of seeing a 'professional' who's just going to nod their head and write me a prescription. I don't want that.

Today has been better. The routine and structure of tracking calories definitely helps me. It's weird, but it kind of calms me down. Like I have control of myself if I just write it down. It's my police force, keeping the peace. Without it, I'm just anarchy inside.

I think sometimes we need some order in our lives to keep ourselves sane. Maybe by keeping track of your calories you are giving yourself permission to stop obsessing about food. I don't know if that makes sense and it's only just my thoughts. Take care :hug:

Maybe you could just remind yourself there will be more food waiting for you in the morning?
I learned about sugar-free hard candies on this board (7 calories each), and they can do a pretty good job of keeping your mouth satisfied for a while.

maybe when you are feeling like that you should just give yourself permission to munch I know when I feel like that if I tell myself no I want it even more so what I do is I keep low cal low fat microwave popcorn around and when I feel the need to munch I will eat an entire bag which definatly takes awhile but it sure kills my urge to eat the really bad stuff plus I get lots of fiber.I also make super lean homemade beef jerky and when I feel the need to chew on something I chew on that its high in protein and kills my hunger.:hug: