Just messed up.
 

So..this is just to show you how sneaky this disease can be. I had a great day, ate good, not too hungry, was very productive and ended the day with a nice date where I had a salad and two glasses of wine. All of a sudden I was hungry so when I came home I had another salad. Well I was still hungry so I had another salad. Finially I gave in and decided since I had eaten double salads I ahd f'd it up so I ate two bowls of cereal, felt sick and purged. This is so crazy because I just posted my plan for eating my salad and going to bed. WFT. Man I need more help. This disease is crazy. I need to find a sponsor but fear I don't have time for the face to face meetings with my work schedule and me going back to school. However, I can't do anything if I don't stop doing this. yeeeeeks...I think I'm crazy, or I just have an eating disorder.

How long have you been binging and purging for?

Well..I did it in high school and college and then went through a treatment program. About two years ago my life was turned upside down. To make a long story short...I got divorced (my choice) and went from living in luxury to trying to make it on a teacher's salary. That was not the bad part...my rebound relationship went really bad. He began to hit me and it took me a long time to get out of that relationship. I had left a handful of times and that is when the abuse would occur because I was trying to get away. So now I've changed my whole life, left my apartment, changed my phone number, left all my friends who we knew together and moved into my girlfriends house. I sleep in her bed because she has three kids and not enough room. She's my best friend and has helped me thorugh all the abuse and has been there for me always. My other friends left because they gave me an ultamatim saying it was him or me. What they didn't understand was that everytime I tried to get away I got beat. So now I'm safe and have one friend. I have my mom as a family member. I'm trying to rebuild my life, but the harsh realities of how my life has turned upside down is hard to swallow. I feel lonely and my love and best friend food is always there to comfort me and give me a hug...but it is a friend in a mask...for it ends up being my enemy and only makes my situation worse.

So to answer your questions...I've been doing this since highschool but had stopped from 25 until 33 which is now. I forgot how horrible it is to be in the clutches of food addiction.

Wow, It sounds,to me, that you do this, because it is the only thing that you can control.
Atleast you recognize the problem and have a great friend and family to be your support system, as small as it may be, it still is huge.

I can relate to some of your situation. I was in an physically abusive relationship myself. It definately takes a toll on you, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

My heart goes out to you and you will be in my prayers.

If you want to talk, please don't hesistate, I would love to listen and lend a shoulder for you to lean on.:hug:

You are very right about it being the only thing I can control. I am starting my counseling back up and was attending an eating disorder group and then my work schedule changed. However, I'm going to squeeze it in, even if I'm late to the meetings. I really need to keep moving forward in self discover or I'm going to slide backwards who knows how far.

I'm very lucky to have my friend and am trying to make new friends as well. Thanks for your support. Really it means more than you know to be able to spill my heart out and be supported on these boards. I'm only being so candid, because i need to be honest with myself and what I'm doing. Also, if I don't write it, I won't acnowlege it and it won't get better. Anyhow, tomorrow is a new day. I know its going to be a better day because I'm going to be at work all day and then with my roommate. When she is here or someone is around I don't get all this anxiety and rarely think about food. I panic when I'm alone, left with my thoughts and fears.