Self perception, venting!
 

I have been feeling pretty blue the past few days, sorry if this sounds a bit melancholy. Hopefully writing it all down will help a little.

It occured to me a few days ago, I am not sure exactly why I am on a diet.

I seem to have it burned into my head that I am fat and *must* be on a diet, limit myself to eating foods which I can't be critiscised for infront of others, all kinds of little things like that. Obviously this effects my life since I don't eat out with friends, it's only if I have to I'll have something small.

I think it's making me quite unhappy that I can't just kickback and enjoy life. My whole view on food, exercise, eating, dieting is so alienated and I'm not sure where it got this crazy.

My weight goes up and down a fair bit, a few days ago I was 133lbs, but I got rid of my scale (mini triumph I think!) :dizzy: And I know this isn't fat, and I'm not sure what weight I'm expecting to maintain at, since about 140 lbs seems to be my best weight.

I scrutinise everything on me, an example is getting aggrivated that I still have flabby upper arms, but is it really fat? I think it's just skin and muscle, logically. But something in me won't be happy until I get rid of it. Or disappointed that the tops of my thighs still touch. It's such a silly way to judge yourself, but I can't help it.

It's like seeing all these magazine covers, music videos, models, movies filled with actresses who are so thin makes me think I must look like that... Subconsciously. I'm fully aware of what the media and society try to sell as beautiful or attainable and I think it's horrible, yet I think I'm being influenced so strongly by it.

It's really upsetting to think I have to exercise so hard and diet so strictly to try and justify myself. I always liked to exercise and eat healthy, but I've lost all the joy in doing it over the past couple of years.

My self worth was the number on the scale, but I chucked out my scale so I am feeling rather lost.

I'm stuck in a rut which I have no idea how to even begin to get out of it.

Hi Serendipity

There are about a billion things i want to say to you now, but I'll try to keep it short:

1 - You are at a perfect weight for your height. It doesn't get any better than that! Please relish your body, your youth and love yourself as much as possible.

2 - Don't let life pass you by because you are worried that your thighs touch or your arm isn't has firm as you'd like. Go out with your friends, enjoy your life! You get only one. Don't waste life away being dissatisfied with what are truly trivial things, that you are the only one noticing - promise!

3 - I do believe the media messes with your head. Super skinny, air-brushed models next to billboards telling you to eat milkshakes and fries - how can we not feel confused! Take my advice: get rid of your TV, quit buying 'ladies' magazines, don't go to the mall and stare at the Victoria's Secrets mannequins, ignore the radio ads telling you how you can be skinnier, more beautiful, more perfect. It's all a scam to get your money and your attention, and in the end all this messaging does is make you feel like crap. Go out with your friends, eat a slice of pizza and play frisbee in the park. BE NORMAL. BE HEALTHY. Don't let all the bogus cultural messaging get you down.

Angela

I find yoga does great things for changing your relationship to your body and your feelings about it.

I also remind myself how self-centered it is to think that way. I don't mean that as criticism. But it's what I believe for me. Somehow it helps me to disengage from that mindset. Focusing on whatever else in your life you *do* believe is worth that kind of focus can help displace the unhelpful feelings about your body. For example, volunteering in some way can do a lot to change your outlook.

Thank you wish4fit, Julie :)
I haven't bought any magazines for over a year now, and even then it was a 1 off. I don't buy into things like that I just know it's there. I can't escape my friends discussing it, or the billboards or the feeling I just don't quite cut it.

My friends are very thin, always have been, and they talk about the same issues I do but with such a different point of view. Like they have never really felt what it's like to be bothered by weight, food or self esteem. I find it very hard to talk openly to them about it for fear of being looked at like I've failed.

I know I must sound really defeatist, I'm not, just a bit run down lately.

Do you think your friends' judgmental attitudes is in your head because you're judging yourself? Or do you need new friends?

Forgive me if this sounds harsh - I really do relate to your discouragement, and I just want to encourage you to focus on what you have accomplished and on the goals that are important to you. The goals that that you think other people might impose on you - do you want those things? or do you just think you should want them?

So much of what we assume other people are thinking about us is really only what we think about ourselves. And people treat us the way we treat ourselves and the way we expect to be treated. When you are comfortable with yourself and excited about what you've done and what you're moving towards, you'll see that reflected in others' attitudes towards you, both in the quality of the people you attract (because you'll value yourself enough not to put up with small-minded, judgmental, unsupportive people) and in what you assume about yourself and project to others.

Hang in there! Re-evaluate what would be "your joy" today and chase after it with confidence! You are worth it!