Saving Myself
 

Hello To Everyone,
I am looking for help with my eating.The short version, I grew up skinny and active until my homelife fell apart when I was 12. By 13, I didnt actually realize I was getting fat. What I noticed were kids making fun of my belly saying I was pregnant. I wasnt. I was getting fat. I didnt even see it. I dont remember a love of food. I remember being sad and alone all the time. I went from this to an emotionally abusive marriage at 18. From here I went to 255 pounds, this is where I lived, til I was 40.
At 40, I was diagnosed diabetic. It tunred out to be a lifesaver.I found an online group and fell in love with this amazing support group, that had me walking, then running, eating in a way I could manage my diabetes without meds and I was doing great. I went down to 190 pounds and worked out every day, either aerobics or running up to 3 miles. I would have kept going.
But then I lost a child,then my husband left me for another woman and my other child graduated and left home. So here I am alone and sad again, with reason, but I am sad that my dieting success fell out the window,too. I am back up to 225 lbs and cant seem to care enough to exercise. I couldnt control the incidences in my life but I should be able to control me.
I realize I could belong to any number of groups here, +100 lbs, 40's, diabetics, depression,etc. But I just read the sticky on what is compulsive eating. and boy is that me!
I eat when I am sad or anxious....its that simple. If I am happy and feeling good, I ace it, I walk, workout, eating is perfection.....diabetes in control, I lose weight, if my sadness or anxiety hits, I feel a need to eat. I will go buy a large pizza, sodas and quart of ice cream "to feel good"..... and I do...in that moment. Lately I am sad all the time and losing control of my eating compounds that.
Sadness in life hits everyone at one point or another, luck comes and goes. I need to learn how to keep it separate from my eating. My friends and family dont understand, they think weighing 225 isnt so bad and maybe not. But I remember how I felt running. I remember how I felt eating right.The support group I had back then has whittled down to nothing, People move, change, etc. So I am here, hoping to find some answers and hoping to find a way back to who I was.

Thank you,
Mae

Welcome to a wonderful forum. I bet you will love it here as much as the rest of us do :).

There are SO many different "homes" on here, I think it would be difficult to not find somewhere you feel comfortable (or maybe lots of somewheres!!).

I am an extremely emotional eater and, unfortunately, have no great advice to offer -- just support. I'm still trying to work my way through it and I have had no where near the stress/heartbreak you have had to deal with. My heart goes out to you :hug:.

I'm trying to learn that no matter what life throws my way, compounding that problem with a binge and the depression that follows is never going to help me work through these stresses.

Good luck and I hope you find a good home here!

Mae,

I totally understand how you feel. When our lives are in upheaval it's hard to focus on taking care of yourself or exercise.

Just wanted to welcome you! you've been through a lot, sending hugs your way and wishing you success with getting back on track. Just remember how good it'll feel to be running and be healthy again instead of the right at the moment happiness eating will bring.

I read multiple groups..it's something to do instead of eating, so join in as many as you like. :D

You seem to have gone through a lot!! Good that you have found this wonderful, supportive forum! Have you ever tried to get help e.g. through therapy?

Thank you all for the welcome. Regarding therapy, I have had therapy and I learned a lot. Part of what I learned there is eating is a defense for me, its a way to hide. It's also my answer to anxiety.I also came to realize the lack of a supportive environment. Thank goodness for the internet...it provides a chance.