I am SO ANGRY at myself. I am in a horrible pattern of "saving" my calories during the day and then eating too much at night. I'm currently in NC visiting my fiance, but I've made appointments with my therapist and nutritionist for when I get home to try to identify why I am doing this. I wake up in the morning feeling horrible about myself, even though I never end up eating more than 2000 calories, which is basically maintenance for me (23, 6', 135-140, moderately active). I haven't weighed myself in a week so I don't know if I have gained, but it's really upsetting to me that I'm not better able to control my eating at night.
day 4. a little nervous because iam getting a tattoo at noon. i usually eat lunch around 1:30-2. my schedule is going to be a little off. as long as i can avoid the taco truck on one side of the shop and the vegan cupcakes on the other side i'll be fine!
eta: pardon this mess of a post, i am trying to type while holding a sleeping kiddo.
I am back...for a third time...haha. I have been bingeing off and on since my little brother's birthday weekend all the way back on March 20th. It started with some ice cream, a flavor I didn't even really like actually, not to mention that I don't even really like ice cream...arggghhh. It progressed to other sorts of junk and overeating. I'm working on getting rid of my "all or nothing" mentality.
I have been reading Geneen Roth's book "Appetites" as well as some of her other books for the last month and they have really helped me get a handle on my eating. Ultimately it is up to me, though....do I really want this? I asked myself this question yesterday and the answer is yes, I do. I want great health, I want a great body that reflects my hard work and dedication. I want healthy foods. I want to feel good.
So as of yesterday I decided to totally recommit to getting to goal. Whatever it takes, I will do it. I exercise every day (although I could do more and am willing to), I like eating healthy foods, but my downfall is bingeing when I feel depressed or stressed. I need a place to be accountable for my bingeing (or hopefully lack thereof ). After just one day of being recommitted to my healthy lifestyle I am down 2 lbs. on the scale. Surely water weight, but hey...I'll take it! Of course, that 2 lb. loss brings me back to 174 so I can't change my ticker yet! I can't wait to get back into the 160's (and 150's) again. I'm shooting to reach goal by November 1 (my birthday) which means I'll have to lose an average of 8 lbs. a month. Totally doable, and I WILL do it. I am more determined than ever to finally get to my goal weight.
I was thinking about my life and my weight yesterday and I realized that I have been playing a supporting character in my own life for too many years. Helping and supporting other people instead of helping and supporting myself. Being between 10-30 lbs. overweight in my early and mid-20's has allowed me to not take chances that I would have if I didn't have a layer of pudge to hide behind. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to take the lead role in my life again.
So to everybody that remembers me from before as well as the new people. Hope everybody has a great weekend! I'm working on Day 2 binge-free today. I'm off to jog with my puppy!
Last edited by EsperanzaBella82; 05-01-2009 at 11:39 AM.
I just put all my meals for the day into Fitday and it adds up to 1750 calories. It is a lot of food. Delicious healthy filling food. Whenever I refrain from sugar and flour for a few days it seems impossible to me that I go on these disgusting binges, then one taste and I am out of control. Must abstain!!!
I didn't binge either, BUT I did end up getting beans and rice and chicken tacos (soft corn tortillas) from the taco truck. My tattoo appointment was at noon and we didn't get started actually tattooing until 2! My friend who is the tattoo artist was drawing up the design and then everyone who works in the shop called out for BBQ!!! AHHHHH!!! So everyone was sucking on big sloppy plates of ribs and piles of mac and cheese and baked beans and corn bread. It felt like I was on Candid Camera. I knew I wasn't going to be out of there until at least 5, we were running so late, and decided that I had a better chance of not bingeing if I just had some tacos instead of skipping a meal. I feel okay about it and feel it was a good lesson in scheduling and being prepared. I am going to have to start carrying a lunch if I have afternoon plans. Just in case.
I would have rather had something healthier but I just had one plate of food.
So I don't feel too bad.
And my tattoo has a phrase incorporated into it that was a huge inspiration to me during my alcohol recovery. I have decided to recycle it 10 years later to help with food.
Thank you, WardHog!! And congrats on how awesomely you have been doing, too.
Today is - just barely - my 14th binge-free day... Which I think is the longest string I've had so far since I started posting on the Chicks In Control forum! For a while at the beginning of my weight loss, I didn't really have a binging problem, but this is a pretty good victory in relation to the past couple months, so I'm pleased. But I say "just barely" because I reeeeeeally really wanted to binge last night. SO BADLY. I had just read an email from my mom saying that she's not going to be able to visit me next weekend as I had been hoping, and I had really been looking forward to it, so of course it was a big disappointment... So I was feeling particularly sh*tty/down in the dumps, and I started thinking about all the Luna bars I have in stock, and the vegan chocolate bar I bought a couple weeks ago but haven't eaten yet, and I especially started getting that "bottomless pit" feeling, like no matter what I ate, I wouldn't be able to feel satisfied. That's always scary. But, I dunno, somehow I just powered through it and went to bed without binging... But it definitely wasn't easy!
Mama K - I know exactly what you mean!! When I've had a string of "good" days, and I'm feeling really positive about my eating habits, it always seems so shocking to me to look back on the binges that I've had in the past--I'm like, WHOA, I can't believe that I ever did that! But then I slip back into it so easily, completely disregarding how disgusted I had been with the idea of binging just a few days earlier... I don't know how my brain works.
MamaK, if you don't mind telling, what is the phrase you had tattooed? You're doing really well so far, even with the tacos. I am the same way with sugar...I really feel so much better eliminating it entirely from my lifestyle. One day soon I want to go wheat free as well, but eliminating both at the same time is too much of a shock to my system.
Harrismm, you're almost up to a week binge-free! Just 2 more days.
Working on Day 3 today. It's supposed to rain today in Phoenix. Don't know if we'll be lucky enough to get any, but I was sweating like you wouldn't believe on my jog this morning with Zach (see avatar) from the humidity. It's nice to have a day with clouds once in a while out here in the desert. We're supposed to hit 100 (for the second or third time this year) on Thursday.
Hope everyone is doing well today. I have house cleaning on my to-do list today. At least it will keep me busy!
eta: Star2be, great job on choosing not to binge last night. When do you get out of school? My 19 yo sister is a sophomore (junior after finals) at the University of Tampa in Florida and her semester is ending this week and she'll be home next weekend. I hope you feel better about the Mom situation today. I can certainly empathize with you, as I left home to go away to school at 14, leaving behind not only my Mom who had almost died when I was 13 but also a 1 yo brother whom I was very attached to.
Last edited by EsperanzaBella82; 05-02-2009 at 12:27 PM.
I think I need to figure out what my maintenance calories are and eat them-- during the day-- rather than end up eating 600 calories after dinner. This pattern (of restricting during the day and eating at night) makes me feel so guilty and horrible, even though I usually end up around 1800-1950 calories for the day. I still feel like a failure... how do I snap out of this? Maybe my body is trying to tell me something...
But then I slip back into it so easily, completely disregarding how disgusted I had been with the idea of binging just a few days earlier... I don't know how my brain works.
I try to explain that to people. It is like an out of brain experience. People who don't have the same problem can't relate at all. It sucks you can relate BUT I am glad you can relate. I am I found this forum. Checking in, with people who get it, helps.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EsperanzaBella82
Wardhog, good job on the close call.
MamaK, if you don't mind telling, what is the phrase you had tattooed? You're doing really well so far, even with the tacos. I am the same way with sugar...I really feel so much better eliminating it entirely from my lifestyle. One day soon I want to go wheat free as well, but eliminating both at the same time is too much of a shock to my system.
It's "WALK LIKE THUNDER". It is just something a friend of mine said to me when I was in the hospital (drank myself into a coma) before I went into rehab. It was like my mantra. It kept me empowered those first couple tough years. I think having it on my foot will remind me of how strong I was then. There are chamomile flowers around the words to remind to be strong but also to be calm and restful. Above that is a storm cloud with lightning and rain coming out of it and in the middle of the cloud are some colorful flags waving. In one it says AMI, for my friend who died of a heart attack at 37 a few months ago. In the other it says HOMIE for my friend with cancer who was moved into hospice on Thursday and given the prognosis of "a few more weeks. Then there is a sun rising up above the clouds.
It is a pretty epic tattoo. Haha. Lots of reminders.
We shall see.
Day 5. My daughter has a cold and the only OA meetings this weekend are in the hospital and I just don't want to risk bringing back hospital germs.
I think I need to figure out what my maintenance calories are and eat them-- during the day-- rather than end up eating 600 calories after dinner. This pattern (of restricting during the day and eating at night) makes me feel so guilty and horrible, even though I usually end up around 1800-1950 calories for the day. I still feel like a failure... how do I snap out of this? Maybe my body is trying to tell me something...
Eating 3 big healthy meals and no snacks seems to be working for me so far, and tons of water. Huge salads, with lots of veggies, and some protein. Then a big piece of fruit after the meal. So I am getting truly full and nutritionally satisfied. That seems to help me not be hungry or have cravings. I know if I was having any sugar or flour though I would be off the deep end at night time.
I am also challenged by binge eating...not all the time, only when I am alone. I have been keeping a food journal and working out for about 5 weeks now, doing very well, down 18 lbs. Well, my husband left on Thursday for fishing opener, and I was very worried about my first weekend alone. I have done quite well, actually. Thursday - 1415 calories. Friday - 1280 calories. So far today - 1781 calories. I should be around 1800/day, so I feel pretty good. Every day, every minute, I make a choice. And I am proud of myself. I know there will be days that I slip, but every day I don't is cause for celebration.
). After just one day of being recommitted to my healthy lifestyle I am down 2 lbs. on the scale. Surely water weight, but hey...I'll take it! Of course, that 2 lb. loss brings me back to 174 so I can't change my ticker yet! I can't wait to get back into the 160's (and 150's) again. I'm shooting to reach goal by November 1 (my birthday) which means I'll have to lose an average of 8 lbs. a month. Totally doable, and I WILL do it. I am more determined than ever to finally get to my goal weight. 
to everybody that remembers me from before as well as the new people. Hope everybody has a great weekend! I'm working on Day 2 binge-free today. I'm off to jog with my puppy!
But, I dunno, somehow I just powered through it and went to bed without binging... But it definitely wasn't easy!
