my story
 

I bought a journal to write in but decided to go public and document and hope it helps others too.

I've read that some people used smoking to control their ED. And I did. During the time I smoked ( I quit 2 1/2 years ago) I did not binge or purge once. I've always had a weight problem but I never used this method until after i quit smoking.

This ED has run the same course my smoking did. I smoked once or twice a day, then half a pack, a pack, 2 packs, I could not smoke enough until one day I said enough. It took me 3 or 4 quits and then I had my final quit. Well, here I am again. My occassional venture into the b and p cycle turned into a daily nightmare. Or a 3 times a day daily nightmare.

Currently I spend far too much money on food, it doesn't last too long in my fridge. Sometimes I wonder if the neighbors notice that I come home with bags everyday. I obsess about what i'm going to eat even though i know i should be focusing on my actual life ( I guess this is kind of a breakthrough that i realize I'm doing this).

I'm at that breaking point, and I admit I've tried before but that doesn't mean I'm giving up. So here's the thing, I can't go on a diet. Yes, that's right. I can't anymore. I restrict, I feel trapped and I rebel against it. This is the pattern, I've been through it and it is not going to change if i try it one more time. I've tried it one more time, many times. So I'm going to throw out the book and do what I feel...

I started yesterday. It was painful to do. I ate the way I normally ate but without purging. Let me explain, when I quit smoking I developed a mantra, it was "don't even think about it, no matter what happens you are not going to smoke". It was horribly hard and this is going to be too. I will do it again today until I will eat what i want and when i want and i can not purge and I will do this until i break the connection. I will not feel guilt.

Actually an interesting thing happened last night. I stopped eating. Don't get me wrong I ate alot but when I gave myself permission to eat I stopped when I was a bit overfull not in pain because I knew I couldn't purge it. One small step but a step. So I take another step today...

weird day
 

I guess all day 1s feel strange when you try to live differently.

I've decided to go ahead and go to a OA meeting. I've found some local meetings and decided to stand up and say I have a problem.

The weird thing. I ate what I wanted. 3/4 of it as unhealthy but if i wanted it I had it. I actually had to tell myself that I could have it. That I wasn't cheating on anything, I wasn't going to feel guilty. That I could have the candy bar for dessert after my sandwich was perfectly okay. A couple of times I was tempted to count the calories in my head and i stopped. I had to focus on my energy level, how I felt emotionally, did i hurt myself in any way.

I also realize that I do have weight to lose and eventually my cals and choices will have to count but I really need to work on my head more these days.

There are also going to have to be some ground rules of habits that i need to break. 1. eating in the car, I shop, I open a bag and start the moment by butt hits the seat.
2. no ordering out when I'm alone, I'll save it for get togethers and other public functions. Me alone with a pizza just doesn't work.

Let's see what today brings...

I will tell you Good Luck. Stick to your guns and you will prevail!

I am a recovering Bulimic... I suffered from it for over a decade- sometimes worse than other...particularly bad during times of stress, depression and pregnancy. Mine bulimia is a little a-typical because I ate normal to moderately excessive and then purged.. I didn't do the typical binge thing. I went in to treatment for depression in 1998, and realized that 65% of my depression was my obsession with food and being thin. I was in counceling for about 9 months and on medication for about a year. I COULD NOT DIET.... Everytime I tried I would slip back into the frame of mind all or nothing. I had to eat the way I wanted to for almost 2 years before I could try to lose weight. I do not have the need to purge like I use to... if I feel full I have to control the urge and it is not always easy.. honestly.

I decided to retrain my eating habits last February and I have been on a pretty good routine for over the last year. I have lost 50 pounds (healthly) with a little help from here and little help from E-diets but primarily by just learning portion control and counting calories, as well as moderate exercise. I go up a few pounds and down.. I am up about 10 pounds from my lowest weight but I have been off a little bit lately because of school.


Again my thought are with you and if you need someone to sound off to... I have been there :)

Hugs to you,
Amy

thanks Amy for the inspiration
 

It helps to know that I'm not alone. I'm the same way, my depressions stem from food obsession. The way I eat makes me miserable...period. How some people go through their lives and just eat when they are hungry and don't obsess on cals or what they are going to eat next is such a foreign idea:-). Thank you for the inspire and that I can break this chain of behavior.

I ate what I wanted today. period. I tried to stay focused on work and not on when lunch time comes. I need to get over my fear of hunger pangs. It's like in my mind my stomach growling is a horrible thing. I literally HATE the feeling. I don't know why? any ideas out there?. I grew up in a home where I didn't go without, so I need to figure that one out.

3rd day abstinent of binging and purging. I actually ate when I was hungry today and had whatever I wanted. Gotta run....

running
 

I'm a runner ( or jogger) I'm not that fast but I love to run. That's the oddest thing in my life, I love to be active, I love fruits and veggies, I love being social, and all these fly right in the face of my ed. And one correction from an earlier post, I've struggled with food all my life, it's just recently that I started this b/p lifestyle.

In my mid-20's I was 200 lbs, ate horribly and smoked occassionally. My 30s on the whole have been much better but I still need to work on the stress thing. Journaling helps although I can't do fitday or anything, it's too food focused and that really isn't the problem, just one of the symptoms.

Going to the parents for dinner tonight so there shouldn't be much of a problem. Wish me luck

shopping
 

short one today... I went to the store and bought cinnamon bread, why, I haven't eaten it in ages and was never a "diet" item and since I'm not dieting anymore I don't have to eat it all in one night so I can start my diet tomorrow. interesting...so there it sits for tomorrow:)

pms raged today
 

I did good until about 8pm. I sat and ate but .... I really wanted to order out. When I'm pmsing all things salty and fried are good. And pizza fingers and chicken fingers were calling. I ate too much already so i got up and transplanted my new plants into bigger pots with new soil.

I ate a bunch of rice krispie treats, I hope I learn my lesson. I feel like a lead ball is sitting in my stomach. I feel full, not stuffed just full (that's pms for you) but i feel yucky.

5 days abstinent, let it go, do better tomorrow

tripped...
 

7 days abstinent, I'm starting on day 1 again. I ate around 2 pm yesterday, a personal pizza and some frozen yogart. At 8pm when I still wasn't physically hungry I convinced myself I needed to eat. And then it began. It wasn't that bad of a binge but I purged anyways. I went 7 days, I know I can do better this time. There's a meeting at 5pm today that I will be making an appearance.

I was reading a great line from OA, " no one ever died of starvation between meals". It's funny and true. The fact that I wasn't hungry and didn't need to eat bothered me. It actually bothered me that I possibly wasn't going to be able to eat again that day. Like I wouldn't have survived till morning. It's so stupid and silly seeing it in print.

I have to start to make the connection that eating only when hungry is NOT a restricting thing. My ED wants me to believe that. It gets pissed off when I don't feed it. Eating when I'm hungry is a good thing, eating for any other reason is emotional. Not all emotional eating is bad but to indulge constantly means I am using it as a crutch and need to find a better way to manage my emotions.

I'm still not going to diet. I'm going to continue to explore and get better.

You tripped, you fell... get up, brush yourself off and start all over again!!!

You did good, this time you will do better. Try this trick and it is really hard but write out a menu for the day, or week... Breakfast, lunch, dinner and a snack and stick to that menu.... if you see what your suppose to be eating and you purchase just that it will make it look more concrete. It also keeps you from straying... Single serving stuff helped me too. Like for a snack, things that just have one serving kept me from binging.... Like single serving snack cakes, or pudding or chips.

Don't beat yourself up...

Hugs,
Amy

....that's exactly what I'm going to do
 

I looked in my kitchen today and realized that with all the food I have in my kitchen (I'm single and live alone) I could eat for a week comfortably. Except for fresh fruits and veggies, I'm set.

So that's my project for the week. I'm going to write a menu for the next 4 days. NOT a diet menu but a real meal menu with real food.

And I amazon.comed one of the books on compulsive eating from the front page article here and figured I better start reading and digging. And I need to fess up. I still haven't gone to OA. Just can't bring myself to go yet. I'll get there, soon.

That's it for now.

Runner girl, I think you are smarter than you know. I know for me, if I write down what I plan to eat, then don't eat it or I eat something else, or overeat, I will feel like I broke the rules. Writing things down is helpful if you are trying to get an awareness of how much you eat and the feelings tied in to them. I had to write things down recently to blow my denial of my binging and to get a grip. It felt like I was back to counting cals or points and then had to struggle with the black and white & all or nothing thinking/ behavior.
We know what good nutrition is, we know exercising in the right amount is healthy, we know that eating out of control and distracting away our feelings with food is destructive. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. Best of luck, if forcasting your eating plan trips you into that mode of thinking (projecting) then try it just for a day at a time. Keep posting here if that helps ...I am an OA drop out too, and that does NOT mean that I failed.

been awhile...but things are good
 

I decided to take off for a few days and spend some time with friends. It was wonderful to enjoy my time and have food be an afterthought. Because I was surrounded and busy and not bored I was absolutely fine and had no desire to overeat or b/p.

Needless to say by journaling went out the window but I really didn't need it. I found out a few things, why I overeat. Partially boredom maybe, surrounding myself with family and friends and not hiding in the shell I've been in...had a great date last week and we plan on seeing each other again. I feel I'm in this process of moving past this social anxiety. I have become so body conscious in the last couple of years. I've NEVER been thin just a upper part or a little over of my weight range kind of gal but horribly neurotic about it.

It's just food. It couldn't in any way shape or form made me feel the way I have this week.... totally happy. Food had nothing to do with this week and I was totally happy. This leads me to Part 2. I now can see clearly that I eat for stress. Little stress, little overeating. No desire to overeat. Okay so now that I know the triggers I need to start rearranging my life abit. Food is not my problem. Onward...

Thank you eg with an M for the supportive words. I wrote down my meals for 2 days and then went away. I'm debating on whether to go back to it or not. I think I may try focusing on the problem of stress and the boredom thing and not the symptom of eating. I'll think on it. Thank you again for the input. I totally agree.

obsessive thought to compulsive eating
 

I have a feeling I'm on an interesting journey. So.... over the past 2 weeks when I have filled my life with friends, family, and new guy, kept myself active and out there .... I dropped 3 lbs without THINKING about it. I hopped on the scale thins morning terrified of what I'd find. How can it be possible to gain control over weight without obsessing on food... how much food? how little food? is the portion correct? when can I eat? can I eat this? will I binge?...this horribly annoying cycle that makes you want to tear your hair out!!!!!
I'm still wary but I'll keep going. And yes, I've purged twice in the last 2 weeks... but coming from 2 or 3 times a day, progress is being made, slowly. I have a **** of a lot to learn.

So here is where I am. Exercise focus. My brother wants to do a 5k at the end of July. This gives my a healthy focus point.

For the next week I need work on the one of the exercises from the book. Putting your fork down and not finishing it all. Not a ton left, just enough to see how your mind reacts to your decision to stop eating. A guess it is an exercise to bring your eating into a conscious mode and not on automatic pilot.

So I guess I need to find my healthy alternative. Running is one but I need to reconnect with a book or something to relieve stress when I can't get out there and the need to act out happens. One step and one day at a time... it's July 4th, speaking of food, wish me luck:)

obsessive thoughts part 2
 

... I bought some cheese puffs.. and in the car all I could think about was eating them. I was hungry but I wanted to go home and eat. A 20 minute drive home and all I could think about was eating the puffs or launching the damn things out the window so I would stop thinking about it. I persevered but I still over ate on them later. Maybe the awareness is the victory at the moment. I didin't win the war that day but the battle of the car-eating was won.

I need to go run and blow off some steam. I can feel my stress level rising and right now I'm contemplating what I can eat next so I'm going to think of something else to do in the meanstwhile. I wonder if it's always going to be this way.... Start to have obsessive thought about food...awareness of what is going on.... making the choice to abstain or act out... and then do either one. Today I choose to go run....

pms week
 

...my stress level shoots up during this time. I can FEEL my jumpiness. I'm tired, aggrivated and overeat. I've had a horrible last 3 days. I woke up this morning frightened to make food choices. It's scary when you can understand why some people develop anorexia, completely frightened to eat. If you start you won't stop. Chilling. I still feel stressed so I can't figure out why my head tells me to eat, it doesn't help. Anyways, mornings and afternoons are fine, nights are ****. Even if I have something planned, I will find time to shove food in my mouth. I'm annoying myself. I guess I need to make another game plan for pms time.