University's a nightmare so far. The first week was great because no one really knew each other, but now that people have started forming friendships and little cliques, I feel like it's impossible to get to know anyone, not to mention that it feels like if you admit to people that you haven't really made life-long friendships by now, you're some socially-challenged pariah.
And so I've been in my room for the second week now (it's easy, I live in a single all the way in the corner). I don't even know what's wrong with me or why I'm reacting this way, but the first week we had orientation week so everyone was horribly drunk. I left this club where one of the events was happening early because clubbing is really not my thing and some guy started macking on me, which freaked me out. So I stumble back to my residence, where I go off to this other party, where I meet another guy. So we start drinking and before I know what's up, we're outside and start fooling around. So we did everything but have sex, and it was my first time. And while it felt soo nice to actually be desired sexually, the whole thing just made me cringe afterward and sort of scared me off of going out. So I've stayed in for the past 2 weekends, just watching tv and movies.
Another thing that troubles me is the caf - it was sort of implied that everyone has different schedules, etc, etc., but I can't bare to eat breakfast in the caf because I'd be eating all alone, especially since everyone else is in groups. I haven't really made friends from my floor and I'd feel like a loser trying to track down people from other floors. So we have a thing where you can get bagged lunch and dinner, for those people who have classes/jjobs/practice. So I skip breakfast and go for the bagged lunch/dinner, which I then eat when I come back to my room. And today I didn't go to class, because I just didn't want to face outside and seeing people walk together and I'm so behind on my reading. All I want to do is stay in my room and watch tv.
I mean, even going to the bathroom is embarassing because I don't want to run into people on my floor who are all hanging out and I'm the recluse. I thought that university would be different from high school in that it'd finally be like real world where you make long-lasting friendships and everything. But so far it seems even worse because in high school, you at least see the same people and there's less everyone. And it seems like everyone is gorgeous and tanned and exotic in university, and I feel like I just don't measure up academically or physically.
So I was in my room the other day, watching Friends, and there were people outside my window hanging out and someone mentioned something about an "underwear party" and it's just sad because I won't be able to go to something like that ever. Even if I wasn't fat, I still have horrible stretch marks on my sides that I wouldn't let anyone see ever. And there's a halloween party coming up and obviously all the girls will be dressed as sluttily as possible. And I'll go as a banana or something (if I go at all) and everyone will know that it's because I look terrible.
I don't know, I feel weird because in high school, at least I knew I was smarter than most even if I wasn't goodlooking, but here, so many people are beautiful and so smart I still can't believe it.
So tomorrow I'm planning on staying home again and going to get poutine really early in the morning so that no one will see me. And some ice cream or popsicles, and just eat the entire day. Some party of me doesn't want to, because that's a lot of calories, but another part is telling me to let loose because I haven't had any junk food for about 2.5 weeks.
Ugh, sorry if I sound hard on myself or whatever, but it helps to get it out rather than keep it all inside.
i'm in uni right now, and a bit of a recluse myself. i did have a roommate in first year, which helped a lot with the making friends bit, but i didn't really reach out to too many people either. a lot of girls may seem tanned, gorgeous and smart...in fact they all seem the same! the girls that go to my school all fit the tall/tanned/blonde/skinny/intelligent mould, and some days i feel horribly inadequate. but other days i embrace being DIFFERENT. don't hide in your room all day tomorrow because there are some pretty unique people out there, you just have to find them. force yourself to join just ONE club or group and you will make friends before you know it. you'll be surprised how many people are feeling the same way you are...so go talk with them about it!
Heya, I just graduated from university and so maybe I can offer a little bit of perspective. First of all...the first few weeks are crap. Everyone is homesick but no one wants to show it. People make friendships during orientation and it is impossibly rare that you are still friends when you graduate. Of the people I met during orientation I am only on speaking terms with one of them. The thing about university is you get out of it EXACTLY what you put into it. If you stay in your room and are a recluse you are never going to meet people and make new friends. It can be really simple things that help you out of that rut and if you are uncomfortable being the first one to make a move in a social framework you can do it in other ways. Go find clubs on campus that reflect your interests. Chances are you will meet people there that have things in common with you. I met my bf and one of my best friends when I started fencing my freshman year. Create study groups from people that seem approachable in your classes. Throw a party (it doesn't have to be an underwear party :P) You mentioned that you watch friends...invite people over to watch it with you (I know very few people able to resist friends). If you have a show like Grey's Anatomy that you follow through a party themed around when the new season airs and then what's great is you have a ready-made social engagement for every week the show is on. I know it's scary...but it's doable. It's not perfect, but it can be one of the most eye-opening and thrilling experiences of your life...if only you let it. *hugs* best of luck
I understand how you feel. I’m just about to start my 3rd year of uni and I had a similar experience at the start. I lived in a flat with 5 others but each of them already knew other people at the uni (two were even sisters) whereas I didn’t know anyone. Plus like you I have trouble making friends easily and just wanted to hide. You do have to make an effort though.
I’d back up the suggestions to join clubs. They’re an easy way to make friends and most uni’s have a group for almost anything you can think of. As to the people you live with, it may sound silly but if you have a kitchen or group area why not hang out with a cup of coffee and a magazine or textbook. Others will tend to join you and you can build conversations gradually with individuals rather than the stress of a big party. And movie nights are fun too. Maybe find a movie a few of you like and suggest a kind of pajama party one night. Making friends doesn’t need to be overwhelming and it doesn’t happen all at once. Start small and build from there.
I know it can be hard at first but the girls from my flat have now become a wonderful group of friends I would honestly call family. Even though we don’t live together anymore we see each other all the time and they’re still the ones I’d turn to in a crisis. So there is hope for everyone.
I agree with everyone who has said to join clubs. It's how I met just about everyone at university. There are tons of things to get involved in. Ijoined the theatre club, the cross country skiing, the drinking club. Even if I didn't make great friends with ppl it was still something to do and it ususally gave me a familiar face or two in class.
I agree with Sidheag, that you get out of university what you put in. The more you get involved in the more ppl you will meet, plus a lot of those things look good on a resume too!
The thing about university is you get out of it EXACTLY what you put into it. If you stay in your room and are a recluse you are never going to meet people and make new friends.
This is so very true.
I have to say that this comment stood out to me:
Quote:
in high school, at least I knew I was smarter than most even if I wasn't goodlooking
Please take this constructively, not meant to be hurtful - but if this is the attitude that you have, I don't think it's much surprise that you have a hard time making friends. I know when you feel lonely and left out, the instinct is to find someway to make yourself feel better - and for a lot of people (myself included - I'm not being holier than thou here, because I've done it too) that tendency shows itself in that kind of "well I'm better than you anyway, so I don't need you" mindset. It might make you feel somewhat better short term, but it's not really true, and it only serves to further isolate you in the long run. People really do pick up on that attitude and it makes them not want to like you.
Another comment you made that stood out to me:
Quote:
I thought that university would be different from high school in that it'd finally be like real world where you make long-lasting friendships and everything
I'm not sure what you expect the "real world" to be like, but you don't make long-lasting instant friendships in the "real world" either. When you get out of college, you're going to start working somewhere - somewhere that no one knows you, and where you have to be sociable and friendly and meet new people all over again. Every time you take a new job, it's like that. Every time you move it's like that. You don't bop into a new job and have all these people who are just like you who are buddy buddy. There will be the pretty people, the intellectuals, the party crowd - all of those people exist in the "real world" as well.
The only way that you're going to change things is by getting out there and meeting people. There's nothing wrong with going to the caf and sitting by yourself. Bring a book so you're not just sitting htere looking lonely. But take a few minutes to look around. Smile at someone if you catch their eye. Say "hi" to someone. Find a table with a couple of people at it - maybe people who also look like they're by themselves and ask if someone is sitting there, or if they mind if you sit down. You don't have to chat with them if you're uncomfortable, but say "hi" and then open your book. It's a start.
Instead of hiding in your room, take your HEALTHY () snack outside, with one of your text books and sit under a tree and read/study. Sit back and watch people. Again, smile at people who walk by.
You have to put YOURSELF out there for people to want to put themselves out for you.
Hey
I started a new uni last year and had similar problems.
I went round all negative with my big hat/hoodie on and dressed in black and tried to make it to each class without talking to anyone!
I found ppl had created their own groups and totally left me out even when i tried to participate!
I ended up leaving that uni after 6/7 months (this is in no way meaning for you to leave yours btw!!!)
Its taken me this long to sort myself out and change my attitude towards loadsa things, its true you really do get out what you put in. I dont have loadsa close friends just a few. But you need to make the effort to chat to people!
Im starting a new uni on the 22nd and i plan to rock this one out
Im hoping with the healthy eating/feelin better about yourself you get more confidence that way!
Good luck with it anyway im sure it will get better
Definitely join clubs and try new avtivities. Who knows you may like them. Smile at people and wave the more approachable you are the more likely it is that someone will want to invite you somewhere are at least be interested enough to start a conversation. Another thing is don't go looking for "long-lasting" friendships because those friendships are usually least-expected. Don't force yourself in your room just go with the flow of things and gradually I think you will open up.
I would like to add that you won't be able to do any of the things mentioned above without a new attitude of yourself. I don't know much about you but every woman is beautiful, I am sure you are an interesting wonderful lady. If you don't think that about yourself no one else will.
Last edited by CakeBatter; 09-10-2008 at 12:36 PM.
Reason: Forgot a thought
Aw, hugs . I have been isolated like that and it is really painful. You've already gotten lots of great advice about meeting people and getting out. I just want to add, and maybe it doesn't apply and that's OK, but consider talking to someone in the student counseling service. Your self-esteem is in the pits, and you sound a lot like me when I was depressed. I know how hard it is to believe it can ever be any different and I know how hard it is to talk to someone. But I hope you give it a try.
o goodness, you sound just like me when I was in college. I was miserable all four years. Right from orientation day one, it seemed like everyone else knew each other - like they were all pretty and rich and therefore belonged together or something. I was never welcome in their little groups, and i did try initiating conversations. Before college, I never had trouble making friends; it's not that i'm generally antisocial. I never did find a niche, and honestly, i TRIED all that stuff people say, like joining clubs and such. What I realize now is that most of the people at my college were just NOT nice people. The only friend I made first semester transferred out because she felt the same way about the other students. They were just unfriendly and completely inaccessible. There's only one person from my college who I still talk to.
I still recommend trying some things like joining a club, because I think, especially if you are at a larger school, there's usually a good chance of meeting people that way. If, after your first semester or year, you just can't fit in and are absolutely miserable, can you consider transferring to a different school? I wanted to do that but my school offered me a full scholarship and it wasn't financially feasible for me to do so.
People always say that college is the best 4 years of your life.... for me I think it was the worst. Don't let that happen to you. Even consider looking for friends outside of your uni, maybe get involved with something in the community. I wish you the best - I've been there and it's really painful.
I haven't seen anyone recommend a near by church. While I was in college I found church to be a great comfort. I wasn't out drinking and doing things I shouldn't be doing and could potentially get me into trouble. I made some great friends working in the soup kitchens, going to nursing homes and doing quite a few other church related activities. The elders in the church were happy to have another young person that wanted to help out too. I found there were a lot of nice people to hang out with because I wasn't like many in the " college scene ". I was different. I also found, being different isn't bad at all.
Wow, this sounds exactly how I was last year when I first came to the university. I was terribly homesick the entire first term. I drove 2 hours home nearly every weekend. I know exactly what you mean by the fact that it seems that everyone already has their own clique. I'd say the one thing that helped me the most was a few girls on my floor and a couple people I'd known from high school. I definitely agree that you get whatever you put into the University.
I agree that you should not stay in your room tomorrow, for awhile you will feel upset that you haven't made close friends. Make sure you keep making good food choices, I had gotten within 15 pounds of my goal weight beforeI entered the university but ended up gaining 30 lbs by the end of the year. Now I'm back to where I started. Also, know that partying isn't the only way to meet people. I didn't go to one party all of last year but still made friends. Try to talk to some girls in your hall, maybe you know some people from high school that are there? Just remember everyone is feeling just the same as you, you just gotta put yourself out there! College is supposed to be fun!
I NEED food//another university rant
) snack outside, with one of your text books and sit under a tree and read/study. Sit back and watch people. Again, smile at people who walk by. 
. I have been isolated like that and it is really painful. You've already gotten lots of great advice about meeting people and getting out. I just want to add, and maybe it doesn't apply and that's OK, but consider talking to someone in the student counseling service. Your self-esteem is in the pits, and you sound a lot like me when I was depressed. I know how hard it is to believe it can ever be any different and I know how hard it is to talk to someone. But I hope you give it a try.
