[Kashmira]

Hey everyone. I've been glued to this site all morning. A few days ago I reached another breaking point when I had to go shopping for a "suck it in" tank top at Target just to feel somewhat comfortable in my clothes.
Anyway, here's my story:

My name is Jessi, I am 22 years old and I am in serious need of support and help. I have struggled with my weight since I was a kid, getting up to about 220lbs at my peak in high school. That was when I reached my first "breaking point". I pretty much quit cold turkey and started exercising a lot. I actually was getting really healthy when I hit around 170 - I am almost 5'9'' and fortunately I carry my weight pretty evenly, so I was looking good. Then my new healthy habits turned obsessive, and I developed an eating disorder. I wouldn't classify it as anything specific, rather a whole melting pot of anorexia, bulimia, and BED. By the end of high school I was in my upper 130s and barely eating anything at all. For me this was very thin, as I do have a larger frame and am tall. I was actually scaring my friends at this point. By 19 though I had snapped out of it and was maintaining my weight between 140-150. I wasn't obsessing, for the first time in my life.
Fast forward to last year, when I started putting on weight and really bingeing and not caring again. First, I was really settled in with my now-fiance and he eats a lot and stays thin. I got too comfortable and started eating way too much without a second thought.
Then my anxiety disorder blew up. IN A HUGE WAY. I became a serious hypochondriac (still a big issue - I stress out about my health CONSTANTLY, worry about having serious illnesses all the time, fixate on thoughts of death, apocalypse, etc. - It's really, really bad). I have always had panic attacks, but they became ridiculous - Rob would have to rush me to the ER about once a month because I was sure I was dying. I have seen so many doctors (don't get me started - it seems like there are very few docs and even psychs who understand hypochondria and panic attacks) and been on soo many meds that have worked in the short run, and then failed big time.
When I was thinner I would work away the anxiety with drinking, drugs (not hard drugs, but hallucinogens, pot, and anxiety meds), or exercise if I was in a good frame of mind. The point is, I'd do something other than eat.
Now I have reverted back to my old habits. I knew I was getting fat again, but at a recent doc visit I was shocked to hear the number "191" as my weight. I have to stop somehow, but the overwhelming anxiety really prevents me from doing anything, and I have tried so many different routes to try to alleviate it. I used to be so outgoing and now I am a shut in compared to before. I still go out and do things, but it's because I force myself. Unfortunately I rediscovered that bingeing can help me forget about my problems for a quick minute. I know I will feel like **** afterwards, but that moment of distraction is what keeps me doing it.
Anyway, I finally feel motivated, I CANNOT go back to what I looked like as the fat girl in high school. Fortunately I still look shapely but there is too much pudge and it really makes me feel like crap.

To see my "before" pics you can go to photobucket and search for zooba007. I'm not allowed to post links because I'm new, but there is a pic there of me when I was tiny, and me at a weight I liked a lot.


So that is my story, and I am really happy I found this site. I know you all understand what's happening with me, and that's something that's been really lacking. I can't even talk to my best friend about this, and he just says I look good and shrugs it off if I do.

I am doing the exercise and calorie counting route, plus lots of inspiration (like letting myself see pictures of myself from when I was really fat and really skinny) and coming to this forum.

Wish me luck!

[Czarria]

Good luck sweetie. You've come to the right place. You have the motivation and you have the will power. You have all the right tools to get you where you want to go. I understand how you feel. For 4 years I was a house bound agorophobic mess. It worked out for me because that was when I got to my skinniest (by starving or laxatives - not recommended). But living in world again helped throw me back into the whirlwind. You're obviously a strong woman though. You've taken the first few steps, and having the ladies here will really help.

[Mrs Snark]

Good luck Kashmira! It sounds like it has been a hard road to reach the point you are at, and I hope you guard against any extreme behavior and remember that the goal is your overall long, healthy life -- not just a fast trip to "thin"! In this forum we all understand where you are coming from so you'll find lots of support!

[Shopaholic1204]

Omg wow..I can see so much of myself in you. I suffer from panic attacks & hypochondria. I never realized it before. My panic attacks were so freakin horrible last year. I'd have them every single day, sometimes several times a day. I was in & out of ERs all the time. But there was nothing they could do for me, except give me valium to make me sleep. I'm on Prozac now, and its been a total lifesaver.

Good luck with everything

[Lovely]

Some and some good thoughts your way



And all the best of success!

Make sure to keep posting

[xonlywishesx]

I can definitely relate to you. I don't have panic attacks but I am afraid of everything outside my house. When I go to work, I try to sit in a corner and make myself as small as possible, hoping to disappear and not be noticed. I hope you the best of luck in not becoming obsessive again. I know it's hard to control but when you feel that panic setting in, try to take the deep breaths and clear your mind. I hope everything works out for you

[Kashmira]

Thanks for the replies everyone. A devestating thing happened the other day...rain got in through the window and ruined my macbook while I was out shopping . Until I get a new one I'll have to post a little bit infrequently.

I haven't binged once since I typed this, or eaten too much OR too little. I even started eating a small breakfast, like a piece of whole wheat toast with a poached egg. I HATE eating in the morning, but it really does work in helping with the binging. I'm super stressed out right now, but I'm trying to excersize instead of eat or have a couple beers to relax. We'll see how it goes. Hope you all are well.