[ashisback]

I do.... and unfortunately a lot of others. When I was 15 I developed an eating disorder. I was bulimic, actually I still am; because once you are bulimic, you always are, it is just a matter of controlling it and fighting the urge to binge and purge for the rest of your life. It got so bad I didn't have to stick my fingers down my throat anymore, my body would regurgitate what I ate on its own. I stopped purging, on a regular basis, when my mom found out what I was doing, and threatened to get me help; which would have probably meant that I would have been locked up in a hospital or crazy house somewhere on a 24/7 watch. I guess I did it because I needed a sense of control in my life, my own control, because at the time I was far from being overweight (eventhough in my mind I was fat).
So why come out about this now? Well, lets just say, something happened to me down the road that made me stop caring about myself, and well, I let myself go; and then I got pregnant and I have a new baby. Now I am overweight, but working hard to be more and more healthy everyday. My mom always taught me to never use the "f" word, as in "fat", when refering to anybody, because when she was in highschool she had a weight problem. So, I never, ever, called anyone else fat, except for maybe myself.
Well, a while ago, right after I had Chloe, somebody called me "fat." It shocked me, not only because that person used to be even more overweight than I was, but also because I had never, ever had anyone refer to me as the "f" word. I guess you could say I went into a bit of a relapse recently. I looked in the mirror and I saw somebody who was twice my size, only it wasn't somebody else, it was myself. I vomitted everything I ate that day. It's just so hard, and I guess what really gets to me is society. How on earth, can somebody, especially someone who is supposed to be an adult, just single somebody out and call them fat. Especially when that person knows your history, and knows you've had problems with your weight in the past and that your a non-active bulimic... especially if that person used to be more overweight than what you are at the present time... do people think because they went from overweight to healthy (or as they would say "skinny") it's okay to put other's down like that. I mean it just pisses me off, that society associates being "fat" with overeating and being lazy. Some of us actually have health problems like eating disorders, depression, thyroid, diabetes, etc. I just wish people wouldn't be so mean, and stupid, and freakin ignorant!
Those of you that read this through (I know it was long) please comment on your thoughts and feelings... I know I am not the only one.

[L144S]

Oh honey,
you have to go see your Dr. Help certainly does not mean locked up 24/7. You need to feel better for your little girl.

[bargoo]

I agree, you really need help for your bulimia.

[Gmpropiper]

I am sure you are CERTAINLY not alone and you are very brave to talk about it here. I can't believe what a jerk that person was for calling you fat! What an adolescent thing to do! You need to remember that no matter what others say you have to be your own best friend and not let their comments bring you down - you are too important! You only get one shot at life - it's too short to waste on feeling lousy and hurting yourself. Please take whatever steps you need to in order to spend your life happy and healthy - regardless of what the stupid scale says!!

[Riffs3]

ashisback,

I do understand your thoughts. I have similiar thoughts when it comes to eating but not purging. I don't want to eat because I want to lose weight so bad. I too had issues with an eating disorder in high school. My husband and I had a huge discussion about me eating just about an hour ago. It seems that we are about the same size and we have the same goal. If we support each other we will get through this without the extreme measures we want to inflict upon ourselves. WE CAN DO THIS for ourselves and our children.

[tommy]

Feel for you. We can know we are overweight, but when someone else says it especially in a judgemental way it cuts to the heart. Finding support in a new way of living, not just a diet, it something this board is great for. Look around, pour your heart out to us because we truly do understand.

[Horo]

About a little over a year or so ago, I made myself throw up after binging. It was an awful experience but for some reason, I kept doing the same thing for about a week. I was just, so sick of being fat and too impatient to lose it the healthy/right way. About a week into it, I caught myself doing an internet search on "how to become anorexic" when I suddenly realized just what I was doing. I freaked out a little bit at myself and, fortunately, never did it again.

It's something that I'm sure many of us have thought about from time to time, maybe tried one or two times.. but if you have been full-blown bulimic, and have the urge to do it quite often, I'll have to jump on the bandwagon and say that you should probably get at least some sort of help. That doesn't necessarily mean seeing a doctor or checking yourself into an institution, but even just finding a support group with other people who have the same problem.. that could do you a world of good.

[Me23]

I've been institutionalised for anorexia. Trust me: nothing is worth that. It's ****. I can honestly say that I'm not seriously tempted to go back to my old ways - except for the occasional day here and there - because I made my mistake and I paid for it. Boy, did I pay.
As to people calling you fat: someone called me fat-arse when I was shortly out of the institution, just up to about six and a half stone, so, you know...
I maintain a low-normal weight now, but I can honestly say I would rather be fat than anorexic. One thing I think is very damaging is the way our society has demonized the word 'fat'. If people stopped thinking it was such a terrible thing I think we'd be a lot healthier. At the end of the day, most people are fat because they eat too much. Not necessarily because they stuff their faces, or are lazy, but because they eat a little bit too much over a period of time. And you know what? On the scale of wrongs humans can commit, that really isn't so bad.

[bargoo]

Jude, thank you so much for sharing. Only a person that has been there really understands.I sympathize with those who suffer from this but I haven't experienced it myself.

[KateB]

One thing I think is very damaging is the way our society has demonized the word 'fat'. If people stopped thinking it was such a terrible thing I think we'd be a lot healthier.

Too True!!! The other thing that is terrible in our society is the way it is "OK" to fat bash. Being overweight is a health issue. I don't think anyone makes the conscious choice to be overweight. I for one, never woke up one day and said "Hey World Guess What...I want to be morbidly obese and have all the health risks that go along with it!!" It is not "OK" in our society to ridicule someone with cancer, heart disease, or diabeties. So why is it "OK" to ridicule people who are overweight??

I will get off my soapbox now.


ashisback you need tot alk to someone about the bulemia. Not only for yourself but your daughter. You need to lern to love and accept yourself and learn good eating habits so you can pass them on to your daughter.

[cw61]

Hi there –

I’m going to share my experience because I don’t believe I'll be able to let it go until I admit it. I’m not ready for a public admission, so I’ll start with this anonymous forum.

Bulimia is a ‘skill’ I acquired in my late 30’s as part of a ‘weight loss plan’. I had a long way to go (as I do now) and was looking for every possible short cut including OTC diet supplements, possible surgical solutions, etc. I discovered Bulimia as means to literally have my cake and eat it too…only my cake was ice cream. Since I’ve always been a secret eater, binge eater, etc. purging was no more shameful than what I had always been doing. Before long, I had figured out what foods I could eat and in what sequence and would then top it all off with a large helping of ice cream and then get rid of almost every bite. No harm no foul, right. Except my trick turned into a habit, my habit turned into a problem, and now my problem haunts me every time I feel stressed or out of control. Long story short -- I’m 47 and still struggle to rid myself of this problem. My purging tool has been thrown away and re-purchased more time than I can count.

For anyone that is tempted by this disgusting short cut DON”T DO IT. It doesn’t solve anything and will eventually exacerbate your problem. Not to mention the multitudes of health and dental problems prolonged Bulimia can cause.

[Fat Pants]

Oh the stories I could tell....

I was bulimic when I was in college. I lost a lot of weight very quickly, in a matter of a few months. Great, I was still flabby even though I weighed 130ish lbs. because I never worked out. I'd down a pizza and barf it all back up.

What did I get from that? A smaller pants size, sure....

• but I also developed gallstones from losing weight so quickly, which forced me to have my gallbladder removed about a year and a half after I became bulimic;
  
• Cavities which have caused me a great deal of pain and money;
  
• Migraines which caused me a great deal of pain and sick time from work;
  
• My metabolism to basically be shot, because I messed it up so badly by starving myself;
  
• heart palpitations;
  
• and a whole host of emotional issues that I still work through today.

I went to therapy and it helped tremendously. It has been almost 2 years since I last purged. I gained a lot of weight back, yes, partially due to having my gallbladder out and my stomach not being able to digest and absorb fat properly. Partially due to depression (over other issues), partially due to birth control, but mostly due to me being lazy.

For me, the trigger feeling was the feeling of being full after a meal. Sometimes I still get the urges, but I stay away from a bathroom and choose to be around people whenever I get that urge. it's not worth it at all.

[ashisback]

Originally Posted by Fat Pants

Oh the stories I could tell....

I was bulimic when I was in college. I lost a lot of weight very quickly, in a matter of a few months. Great, I was still flabby even though I weighed 130ish lbs. because I never worked out. I'd down a pizza and barf it all back up.

What did I get from that? A smaller pants size, sure....

• but I also developed gallstones from losing weight so quickly, which forced me to have my gallbladder removed about a year and a half after I became bulimic;
  
• Cavities which have caused me a great deal of pain and money;
  
• Migraines which caused me a great deal of pain and sick time from work;
  
• My metabolism to basically be shot, because I messed it up so badly by starving myself;
  
• heart palpitations;
  
• and a whole host of emotional issues that I still work through today.

I went to therapy and it helped tremendously. It has been almost 2 years since I last purged. I gained a lot of weight back, yes, partially due to having my gallbladder out and my stomach not being able to digest and absorb fat properly. Partially due to depression (over other issues), partially due to birth control, but mostly due to me being lazy.

For me, the trigger feeling was the feeling of being full after a meal. Sometimes I still get the urges, but I stay away from a bathroom and choose to be around people whenever I get that urge. it's not worth it at all.

I too, have also undergone side affects from purging. For instance, I had perfect teeth, until I started purging. Now I have cavities as well that have had to be filled. I'm pretty sure I have very little enamel left on my teeth. That's why I am trying so hard to fight it. Well, that and my baby.

[Annawillbehot]

Ashisback,

You're so brave to be coming out with this confession, which i cant imagine was easy for you to make. I know it can be hard, but seeking help truly is much better than just letting it go by unaddressed.

Not only that, but i absolutely have to agree with you over the use of the "f" word - Im so tired of people telling me I look "fat" in this outfit or that i will be "fat" if i dont go for a run in the next 5 minutes kind of thing.

Telling people they look FAT is the way to get them to develop paranoias about their weight and can lead to eating disorders.

Saying that the outfit isn't the most flattering, or reminding me that i may regret not exercising builds far less resentment than using the "f" word

Does anyone else find themselves feeling resentful to those who use the f word?

[Tamaroot]

I'm the opposite about the word fat. I call myself fat (not other people, that's mean). I understand that I am fat and this is not a state that I want to be in. It's a rude term and I definitely don't want it applied to me.

I guess in the same way if someone's a ***** (can I use the word *****? or will I get *****ed out. hehe *****...) and realizes he or she is a *****, realizes the connotations of that word and that it truthfully applies to said *****, that person might be motivated to work toward having that connotation removed.

It's kind of a bass-ackward logic and doesn't quite make sense when I read it now...<scratches head>

On topic, yes I have tried to force myself to vomit. It's a horrible feeling when I felt so helpless and angry at myself for losing control that I wanted to force the food out of me by any means possible.

I was successful once, but it hurt. Subsequent times I gave up before I actually vomited and only gave myself slobbery fingers, a sore throat and achy sides from dry heaving. Oddly enough I was twice as angry at myself the times I failed.

I have thought about it but I'm easily swayed against a painful course of action by remembering, oh yeah that hurt.