Hello, I'm new here-feeling desperate, where do I go from here?
Good morning ladies, this is a difficult thread for me to post. I'm sitting here sad and overwhelmed realizing that I am struggling with my ED after many years of thinking I was "well".
Through a series of events, timed just right it seemed, everything came together and the "fog" lifted, and I snapped out of my denial.
I have struggled with various forms of EDs since I was about 7 years old. The longest ED I struggled with was bulemia. I had actually stopped my purging behavior for the past several years, and so had assumed I had "outgrown" my ED. I have read that some women can do that. However, I have come to the full realization that I am now struggling with Binge Eating Disorder. The description in the "sticky" on this forum fits me almost to the letter. That is my story in a nutshell.
So I'm just feeling really sad, b/c I thought my struggles had ended, and all along I've been lying to myself. I feel ashamed too. How am I supposed to tell DH that while he's away, I binge all the time? I can't even believe it myself. I'm the person who knows all the healthiest ways to eat. The other night as I was pacing around the kitchen, nerves so tight they could snap, wringing my hands as I was looking in the fridge for the 100th time, it all came together and I realized what I was doing! I was still binging,and I have been all along. That would explain alot. It explains why I excersise, yet never lose. It explains why around the holidays, I went to take a taste of pumpkin pie, and looked down and the whole pie was gone. It explains why I only eat alone, why I clean out my car and throw away all the empty food containers before anyone sees. It explains why I hoard food. My cupboards are so full there's no room in them, yet I still feel the need to buy more and more, lest I should run out. Then, as a last kick in the pants, my husband brought home some pics he had developed off our digital camera. He was happily showing them to me, oblivious to the fact that I was horrified at how I looked in them! I don't even recognize myself. I have a double chin, my face is huge, my stomach sticks out. Those pictures were a last, rude, wake up call. I can no longer hide from this. My overweight body is not a result of being 40, or a slow metabolism. I simply eat huge amounts of food, and very quickly. Nothing fills me up inside.
So where do I go from here? I just don't know right now. I do have a glimmer of hope though. I so want to kick this, and be healthy and yes, look better. I'm sorry for the long, rambling post, but this is truly the only place that I could come and acknowlege all of this. I feel the need to keep this to myself right now. I simply cannot tell anyone what I'm going through. I feel safe here. I don't know what to do after this though. I guess any helpful feedback would be appreciated, but not expected. I just wanted to be able to type this all out, see it, and start to deal with it. I cannot believe I'm going through this yet again.
P.S. pay no attention to my stats - I have no idea how heavy I am at this point.
First off, you are not alone! If you're not ready to open yourself up about this with your husband, you can talk to us. Part of the destructiveness of eating disorders is the shame, and shame has a hard time living in the light, just like anaerobic bacteria can't survive open air. A lot of us struggle with this - I've been actively working on my own recovery from binge eating disorder for about 6 years. There's so much you can do for yourself, it's hard to pick a place to start! First of all, are you working with anyone like a professional? Here in Cincinnati we've got a center that specializes in treating EDs - if there isn't a place like that where you live, you can probably find a therapist or counselor that specializes in treating them. I wouldn't even think about dieting until you've started working on the BED. Without doing the upfront work, going on a diet can cause the shame/binge/self-loathing/shame/binge cycle to spin out even more.
There are also some really good books - check out Geneen Roth, Jane Hirshmann, etc. Please let me know how you're doing!!! Recognizing where and how you can heal your wounds is an absolutely amazing journey.
My overweight body is not a result of being 40, or a slow metabolism. I simply eat huge amounts of food, and very quickly. Nothing fills me up inside.
Wow, Lainey, I feel the exact same way.... I am new here so not a lot of advice, but just know you are not alone at all. I hope we can both find a way to health.
Lainey, I'm not really qualified to give you advice, but I just wanted to say that I feel for you in your situation, and it's good you came here for support. I hope you're still reading this thread. Since you have recognized your problem and have the desire to get healthy, you can do it, and we'll be glad to support you any way we can. Don't give up!
Hello, I'm new here-feeling desperate, where do I go from here?
I hope we can both find a way to health.
