If there are any guys listening, no, not THAT kind of ED

I've been snooping around the posts (been slow at work ) and noticed several people have mentioned previous bouts with EDs and I was wondering if anyone still has to struggle with them after a lot of years.

When I was in my 20s I just loved that feeling of CONTROL when I didn't let myself eat. If I did "slip up" and have a piece of toast I had to "punish" myself by working out as hard as I could for at least 2 hours to burn off those horrid (maybe 50 calories). And then, wonder of wonders, I discovered purging. And boy was I good at it. Didn't even have to facilitate with a finger. Just lift lid, bend at the middle, open up, tighten abs, perfectly timed flush to disguise any indiscreet sounds of solids hitting the water and done. No gag, no heave just smooth as can be. Then a little rinse, chew a couple of mints and back to the table for dessert. I would feel so smug when people would refer to me as one of those people who can eat anything they want. When they asked how I did it, I would reply with "just lucky I guess".

Of course the long term result of all this is a practically non-existent metabolism which I am now (finally) trying to patch up with a healthy diet. I've already proven to myself that not eating doesn't work any more - in fact, not eating actually causes me to gain weight now (don't ask me where the fat comes from if there is no food but, take my word for it, that's what happens when you get older). I've been tapping that old CONTROL to make myself actually eat (healthy stuff) during the day and am seeing results. Clothes are already not so tight and I have way more energy after only a couple of weeks. So why then did I have to fight off a sense of panic after lunch yesterday? My rational brain was telling me that one cup of diced tomato and avocado salad with just a tbsp of feta cheese and a splash of olive oil & vinegar was not overeating but I had to really fight with myself not to head for the bathroom "just to see if I could still do it"?

I haven't done that in almost 25 years. I wouldn't be able to remember the details of my wedding if I didn't have the pictures so why is the memory of that old ED so clear (and tempting)? I also had the ludicrous thought that if I waited an hour before I did "it" my body would have already taken the nutrients it needed so I would just be getting rid of the "extra" stuff I didn't need. I am a mature woman and like to think of myself as reasonably intelligent so where would such an idiotic thought come from?

Happily, I was able to get a grip and the rational brain won out but I'm a little nervous about having to struggle with this again. I really thought this was something only younger (teens and 20something) girls had to deal with.

Anybody else?

I have never had an ED so I can't really relate all that much but I just wanted to pop my head in and comment anyway! I see that yes you are tempted by your old way of life/way of eating but I also see that you're approaching it with your eyes wide open. You're thinking about it in depth, analyzing it, not just blindly doing it, so that's a good thing!! Stay strong and ground yourself in the logic of a healthy diet. No matter what you WANT to do you can't deny the fact that it's BAD FOR YOU and don't ever forget that!

You sound sensible, strong and honest with yourself so don't give any of those qualities up and backslide into an ED!!

No you're not the only one.
I struggled with ED for maybe 15 years.
With some therapy, I came to the realization that I didn't purge to lose or maintain weight. I had too many other unhealthy habits to even consider my weight. It started off as such, but eventually became about control issues, and punishing myself for no reason that I can see now. There have been times when I've wanted to scuttle myself off to the bathroom after an unhealthy meal, but I have to tell myself that one meal isn't going to 'ruin' any positive changes I've made. I'm glad I'm out of my 20's and past all that, but it still rears it's head from time to time.

you know how some people say there are no ex-alcoholics? Some say there are no ex-anorexics, either. Personally, I think there are, and I count myself as one of them. But if there weren't temptations no-one would succumb to it in the first place. I wrote about my experiences and I called it 'Monkey Taming'. Not Monkey Obliteration. But overall I know that a) it isn't worth it and b) I could never go to the extremes I once did, because I am no longer nuts (comparatively) and don't have that kind of control over your body. If you're ever tempted, just remember that you know deep down that anorexia is absolute misery. Most people who die from it don't starve - they commit suicide. That little voice can sound so insidious, so harmless when it wriggles up, especially after over-eating. Just look at it and say: 'I know you, and I know what you are.'

This sounds like me. I have been struggling with an ED for 11 years now. I have gotten counseling, and my counselor told me that basically it will always be there. You will have slip ups. The goal is get them spread further and further apart until you have none. Now I can go about 5 months with no slip-ups.

Yeah, am in my 6th year. I don't think itll ever leave me. I was anorexic, binge eater, flirted with bulimia, now ED-NOS...couldnt fit me in the AN or BN camps, but I zip around the behaviour spectrum and EVERY DAY its an obsession and a battle.

I'd love to be able to fast for days like I used to. I can't do it anymore, physically. I literally pass out after 12hours of no food. Literally. Its not about willpower, my body just seemed to cave in 4 years ago and said *NO MORE FASTING, EVER*. Looks like I have no choice there.

GRR

I struggled with bulimia for 24 years and I'm STILL VULNERABLE.

I don't think it ever goes - I mean regression is regression and you have to follow the micro thoughts that might perhaps be bringing you back into this arena.

Being mature and intelligent is no shield from it.

Ray xo

ED's don't really leave... you just learn to control them. Sad truth but it can be controlled and it does sound like you're just going through a rough patch. Just wait it out and good luck

You never stop having an ED. Mine was a short flirt in my teens. I was 15, and 15 pounds over weight. I was always told how beautiful I would be if... So, one summer, I just didn't eat. I stayed up all night, because I found out that lack of sleep == lack of hunger. I'd exercise for 6-8 hours per day. I did this until I was 16, when I got pregnant. If I didn't stop, my baby would die - and I was willing to do anything to keep her alive (and I did). But the sudden change in habits led to a 100 pounds weight gain. I went from 160 to 260 in the course of 9 months.

No metabolism, no energy, no motivation. I started Atkins 3 weeks ago, and have considered so many times just not eating - I'm already restricting, so why not just cut it all out? I'll lose weight, and within 2 days I won't even be hungry. It's like second nature, and is so much harder to fight off the feeling when I'm already battling with my food.

But we all know it's not healthy. I'm finally getting out of the if-I-eat-food-controls-me mindset. I'm learning how to give food the smack down.

My eating disorder is binging, not bulimia, but I definitely wouldn't feel alone in struggling with this issues even though you're past and teens and 20s.

Most people think of bulimia and anorexia as affecting teenagers and women in their early 20s. What has been reported on news sites lately, though, is that there is a growing rise in middle-aged women who are suffering from these eating disorders typically associated with the young. In fact, if you google 'eating disorders middle age women' you'll find lots of articles from various news sources about it.

I do have to chime in and agree that, as an intelligent woman myself (and modest, hee hee!), I get really, really frustrated at all the stupid thoughts and behaviors I have regarding food. It just drives me nuts that I can do all these wonderful things in my academic and professional life, and get defeated by a bag of cookies. And then you have people who are out there saying, "Just put the cookies down, Fatty, and don't eat them!" Might as well tell an alcoholic that the way to stop drinking is simply not to drink. Or tell a smoker that they should just put the cigarettes down, easy peasy.

If only it were that simple.

Thanks for all the support guys! Helps a lot just to know there are people out there who understand the issue.

"Most people think of bulimia and anorexia as affecting teenagers and women in their early 20s. What has been reported on news sites lately, though, is that there is a growing rise in middle-aged women who are suffering from these eating disorders typically associated with the young. In fact, if you google 'eating disorders middle age women' you'll find lots of articles from various news sources about it."

So who'dathunk when they came up with that "40 is the new 30" thing they would be dragging EDs with them

It's interesting that it's "finally" coming to light that EDs affect older women and men as well. For the longest time, people had this notion that only teenagers had body image problems. It seemed, more likely, that once adults stopped being children, others stopped worrying about what they ate. No one noticed.

I wonder if ED's have ALWAYS BEEN THERE for older women. I'm thinking maybe there is this notion that it's not there due to no one wants to talk about it because "we should no better" at our age. And the shame.......

Obsessive thoughts, bingeing, bulimia etc. etc. it's all in the same arena of suffering.

Ray

You know Ray, it's very, very possible! And maybe not so much that no one noticed but more like no one cared. I have to be honest here and say that when I was young (and foolish) I would see an older - or even middle aged - woman who was obviously overweight and think "must be nice not to have to care what you look like any more". What an amazingly uninformed, unkind, and plain old unintelligent thought huh? But that's inexperienced youth for you.

Fortunately, we now have the internet (Not to mention that a lot of us are from the "I am woman, hear me roar" era ) so more of us are actually communicating about our feelings and challenges

Hi Yoyo,

I agree!!! I feel the pressure now at 51 to shut up and just become invisiable. NOT! No one else seems to care and so I wasn't EITHER and that attitude drove me into some psych trouble too!!!! Boy-o-boy did I get a wake-up. I thank god DOVE is doing their Pro-age thing!!! and for YOU Yoyo because you had the courage to say your stuff.....scary and all!!

ray xo