needed to share...warning is a bit of a downer
 

i'm sorry that this isn't amazing tidings of comfort and joy about how i no longer think about food and overeat and eat in secret and feel ashamed and am good on listening to my physical hungry/full signals.

nope.

this is a rant.

i am sick of thinking about food and i think of all the missed social opps i gave up on for the sake of my disordered eating. i am almost 30 and havent had a boyfriend since college. like almost 10 years ago -- i was outgoing then and had fun and didn't care so much. i was on the meal plan and honestly that was pretty good for me i guess. i had no choice. but i hate that. i hate that i can't be normal unless i have someone else tell me what to eat.

but when i try to be normal around food that means i just spend the whole day grazing. is that so bad? i guess it is if i let it make me feel miserable.

today i did OK i guess. i would say about 2500 calories, and i also worked out a ton (b/c i love it and partially b/c i felt guilty for all i ate) but i ate in a non healthy way. "had to have it" -- needed my fix. would have felt bad had anyone i known seen me thru out the entire day.

and then i look around at the rest of the world. the people who enjoy their lives regardless of what they weigh. they don't not go out to meet people b/c they need to go work off what they ate that day. they don't shy away from guys who may be genuinely great people to date b/c they can't imagine being that close with someone since they have had such rotten luck in love.

the self hate and anger are so strong right now its unbelievable. i hope to use it tomorrow to have a great day but i say that all the time. and still the binges happen. sigh.

i wish i had a bat right now and an old car i could just beat the snot out of.

life just seems so unfair. i hate that. i hate the whoa is me and i am a victim pity party i keep having. if only i wasn't told i was fat as a kid, if only i ate in public at all times, if only i took a break from beating myself up, if only the sky was made out of chocolate. OK scratch that.

Sigh sigh sigh sigh.

violins playing

You know, we are all allowed to have a bad day and you should not beat yourself up or feel guilty because of it. Hang in there and keep working out "a ton" and it WILL get better...one day, one hour, one moment at a time!

Honestly, though, if you don't feel better very soon you may consider seeing your doctor

mdl
Let me tell you about a woman. She was cheerful, outgoing ( but very very shy ) and loved to be friends with everyone. Day by day things changed. She was so down all the time, for no reason she could see. Days turned into months and then years. It came to a time that today seemed like yesterday and well yesterday seemed like everyday she could remember. She stopped talking to anyone. Stopped singing in the church choir ( which was a joy to her ). Lived day to day cleaning house, taking care of her children and husband and wondered what had happen to fun.

Then one day she finaly went to talk to someone. She talked and ranted and raved. She found out depression comes in all kinds of forms. It doesn't have to be drinking or drugs or not taking a shower. It can just be not finding fun in anything. After a few years ( 3 ) of just talking to someone every week she started to become her old self again. She started to do the things she loved again. Years later, she is now told she makes everyone feel good. She does this with a smile or a laugh sometimes. Sometimes it is with a joke or a word of encouragement. Makes her feel good and she is glad she took the step to get some help. She is still very very shy but that is ok. People who know her love her just as she is.

I am no expert but this doesn't sound like you are having a bad day. Sounds like you are having a bad time. Talk to someone. It really does help. Believe me. I look forward to each and every day now. I smile when I make someone laugh. I don't let much get to me anymore. Spent way to much time letting everything and anything get to me. There is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to look for it.

thank you so much sweet chickies -- i feel better already

:)

I have experienced the same thing. Even after losing weight food is still the center of my life. We have a love and hate relationship. I find that sometimes a quick fast will help me, and yoga has definitely helped. I must admit when I see a thin girl mindlessly shoving down a cheeseburger I want to have a meltdown, as I eat my green beans and count out my tic tacs. It's okay to have days like these. That's why we have each other :)

I often feel like you do too. I've lost all the weight I want...I've done this about 3 times in my life. First time in high school, last two times after my two boys and it's never really enough. I have a hard time trying to be "normal". I get tired of always thinking about my next meal...it bothers me that I can't eat whatever I want without thinking I'm going to gain. It bothers me that I feel like I have to eat perfect to maintain and when I don't eat perfect I binge. It's an endless cycle that drives me mad.

the vicious cycle we put ourselves thru is enough to drive anyone mad!

i went out on a date despite all the "what ifs" in my head
-what if we eat dinner what will i do? what i'm not hungry? what if i am hungry? what if we got to a bar? what if i drink? what drinks are low calorie? do i want to eat beforehand just in case?

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

i had to shout to my brain to relax and calm down and go have a good time and see what happens

if i'm hungry. eat. if i'm not, dont.

jeez

and ya know what? i had a nice time with a great person.

i wish i could just drop kick my critical voice to the curb and stomp on it ...

i dont wanna live my life on a perpetual tight leash diet ya know? it can be done....

I'm thinking of trying meditation and or yoga to shut my brain up...

And for what it's worth - you have a fantastic sense of humor! :hug:

:lol: :rofl:

oh i totally missed my calling -- should have been a comedian :)

and i do go therapy for whats its worth and i was on zoloft for a bit but had really bad side effects -- had to drag myself out of bed and even though i had less anxiety i would still binge and it just made me care less about consequences....doc then switched me to lexapro and that wasn't doing anything.

so now i am not taking anything...if the really bad feelings from the original post continue i will go back to doc and try something else.....

yeah and meditation/yoga are great for that stuff...really i just need to zone out with something OTHER than food...just get lost in something ,a book, music, counting cracks in the ceiling :)

Hang with us - with a nice cuppa herbal tea. :coffee2: And yes, I know it's supposed to be a coffee smilie - work with me, people!

Hey - I find a lot of inspiration in Squigg's blog - yesterday's was really good about visualizing.

Thisis another Blog entry I printed and have hanging on my wall.

mdl
I do know about the meds. My gosh we tryed to many and they just messed me up. Between hurting my tummy and even the lowest doses of those that didn't hurt my tummy I was a zombie. Talking is all that was the answer for me.

yea i feel the same way -- not to sound totally bad here, but on one hand the meds made me not hate my life so much but on that other hand they made me not care about anything. totally sucked the life out of me
my best friend has taken zoloft for a few years and has no side effects and its working for her but for me i just felt like i didnt care about anything. was scary. i know i feel things very intensely. and i think that is OK....

mdl
Wish we could have found a med. Would make things easier lol. I would sit around while the kids were going crazy all over the house. Their father would say aren't you going to do anything? I would say oh yessssssssss. When I get uppppppppppppppp they have just hadddddddddddd it. lol. Nothing was so important to do anything, zombi ville lol. Even on the smallest does either zombie ville or they didn't work at all.

hahaha -- yeah i will (insert chore here) LATER. as in when i have my brain back to its usual overworking shananigans :)

mdl
Oh I got everything done I wanted to do. I cleaned and cooked and did laundry from the time I got up until I went to bed. I just didn't notice the rest of the world existed lol.

wow, mdl, let me tell you - i have been there - your "rant" really hit home. i really still am bitter and resentful about the fact that i cannot have a normal relationship with food, and moreso about the fact that this makes me inable to have a normal relationship with anyone else, either.

i hope things look more positive for you, and don't forget that you can rant on here anytime - a lot of us can identify and don't mind at all! =)

hey iris--

yeah i have been doing better. i was watching the movie "a beautiful mind" (at the gym -- whoo hoo) and it is the true story about john nash who is a math genius...and he has these voices in his head that convince him that the world is after him and all that stuff

at the end his friend asks him "are they still there?" and john says "yes but i choose not to listen to them"

then the friend says "you know you are the one who has created them and you keep them there for a reason...."

and that is when i started to cry at the gym.

we created the negative/critical voices in our head that tell us we are total garbage b/c we think they will help motivate us to reach our goals

and it just isnt true....

it is all related to food and binging somehow but i'm too tired to write more now..i hope this made sense

love to all and we can do this

we all have things that we love MORE than food. i swear. find them do them milk them....

Wow, that's a good analogy, about choosing not to listen. It's a really empowering way of looking at it.

I sometimes think that all the labels (ie. "eating disorder", "sugar addiction", "binge eater") sometimes do us a disservice. Not that these conditions don't exist (trust me, I KNOW that being a binge eater is for real!), but I think that they're sometimes DISempowering, you know? Kind of like "well, I can't resist those cookies, because I have a sugar addiction". I've told myself that one more times than I can count. But I think it's important to remember that whichever "label" applies to us, it doesn't have to take away our ability to consciously make our own choices. It's damn hard sometimes, but not impossible. But we have to believe that we can make that choice for ourselves, that we're not passive victims of our label. Thoughts?

hi janie-
i am glad you wrote this b/c i have also felt like that...kinda why i am not a big fan of OA....obviously it works for many people and by all means go with what helps you the most, but i do think when i tell myself that i may as well eat the whole thing i will never get better, and i am just a big fat loser that is when i make bad choices.

i am a very funny person by nature and my therapist suggested i make more jokes about my food issues...and it totally helps take the power away.

i'm like "yeah yeah, i wanna eat the whole f*cking cake, but i'm ordering a salad right now waiter so hand over my rabbit food since i'm constantly flirting with an eating disorder. make it snappy"

:)

Wow.

You're now my favorite person on this forum. haha. No I can't say that.

I totally *get* what you are saying.

And beautiful mind analogy---perfect. I look at people twice my size and they are not pounding themselves with self hate and are fully enjoying their lives or at least making the best of it! My self talk is insane! Like my worth comes from my waist size, the amount of loose skin I have or the sudden deflation of my breasts.

I get dominated by sugar at least two times a week. I really do. Its not a fair fight. Why can't I have a normal relationship with food? The only way to succesfully lose weight is develop an obsession. But then you have to deal with that obsession! And the self loathing! There has to be a different way! I mean my body did a lot of good things for me obese, it carried me around. Why do I have to hate it so much? Blah!

I'm going abroad in two weeks, and I lied to my host family. Told them I was pre diabetic and needed a healthy diet. Or at least not to take offense if I don't accept all their offerings. I mean I suppose that was smooth, but really?

I'm still worried, because it will be like a two month vacation. I hope I don't gorge myself.

This probably didn't have any logical flow, oh well.

Good luck.

i am honored girl :)

JK - for some people sugar is addictive...maybe try to just eat less sugar and see how you feel. like a trial and error thing. i am sure your host family will understand.

and i dont think that we have to be obsessed to be healthy, however, i personally need to stop associating eating with love. its not love.

the self loathing is unfckingreal. i just sit back and watch the tapes in my head sometimes and think, no one else in the world would ever talk to themselves like this.

i watch all types of people living life: going out to eat enjoying themselves, hanging out, not beating themselves up, and they seem fine. they have families and jobs and lives and they live. LIVEEE. not sit around and feel like sh*t b/c they can't put the cookies down.

ARGH.

well i hoe you ENJOY your time away. also, when i hear the word enjoy i automatically think lying down and eating cookies til i pop. there are other joys in this world, or so you would thinkg!!