[Shy Moment]

mdl
Oh I got everything done I wanted to do. I cleaned and cooked and did laundry from the time I got up until I went to bed. I just didn't notice the rest of the world existed lol.

[iriswhispers]

wow, mdl, let me tell you - i have been there - your "rant" really hit home. i really still am bitter and resentful about the fact that i cannot have a normal relationship with food, and moreso about the fact that this makes me inable to have a normal relationship with anyone else, either.

i hope things look more positive for you, and don't forget that you can rant on here anytime - a lot of us can identify and don't mind at all! =)

[mdl]

hey iris--

yeah i have been doing better. i was watching the movie "a beautiful mind" (at the gym -- whoo hoo) and it is the true story about john nash who is a math genius...and he has these voices in his head that convince him that the world is after him and all that stuff

at the end his friend asks him "are they still there?" and john says "yes but i choose not to listen to them"

then the friend says "you know you are the one who has created them and you keep them there for a reason...."

and that is when i started to cry at the gym.

we created the negative/critical voices in our head that tell us we are total garbage b/c we think they will help motivate us to reach our goals

and it just isnt true....

it is all related to food and binging somehow but i'm too tired to write more now..i hope this made sense

love to all and we can do this

we all have things that we love MORE than food. i swear. find them do them milk them....

[Janie Canuck]

Wow, that's a good analogy, about choosing not to listen. It's a really empowering way of looking at it.

I sometimes think that all the labels (ie. "eating disorder", "sugar addiction", "binge eater") sometimes do us a disservice. Not that these conditions don't exist (trust me, I KNOW that being a binge eater is for real!), but I think that they're sometimes DISempowering, you know? Kind of like "well, I can't resist those cookies, because I have a sugar addiction". I've told myself that one more times than I can count. But I think it's important to remember that whichever "label" applies to us, it doesn't have to take away our ability to consciously make our own choices. It's damn hard sometimes, but not impossible. But we have to believe that we can make that choice for ourselves, that we're not passive victims of our label. Thoughts?

[mdl]

hi janie-
i am glad you wrote this b/c i have also felt like that...kinda why i am not a big fan of OA....obviously it works for many people and by all means go with what helps you the most, but i do think when i tell myself that i may as well eat the whole thing i will never get better, and i am just a big fat loser that is when i make bad choices.

i am a very funny person by nature and my therapist suggested i make more jokes about my food issues...and it totally helps take the power away.

i'm like "yeah yeah, i wanna eat the whole f*cking cake, but i'm ordering a salad right now waiter so hand over my rabbit food since i'm constantly flirting with an eating disorder. make it snappy"

[Addicted5915]

Wow.

You're now my favorite person on this forum. haha. No I can't say that.

I totally *get* what you are saying.

And beautiful mind analogy---perfect. I look at people twice my size and they are not pounding themselves with self hate and are fully enjoying their lives or at least making the best of it! My self talk is insane! Like my worth comes from my waist size, the amount of loose skin I have or the sudden deflation of my breasts.

I get dominated by sugar at least two times a week. I really do. Its not a fair fight. Why can't I have a normal relationship with food? The only way to succesfully lose weight is develop an obsession. But then you have to deal with that obsession! And the self loathing! There has to be a different way! I mean my body did a lot of good things for me obese, it carried me around. Why do I have to hate it so much? Blah!

I'm going abroad in two weeks, and I lied to my host family. Told them I was pre diabetic and needed a healthy diet. Or at least not to take offense if I don't accept all their offerings. I mean I suppose that was smooth, but really?

I'm still worried, because it will be like a two month vacation. I hope I don't gorge myself.

This probably didn't have any logical flow, oh well.

Good luck.

[mdl]

i am honored girl

JK - for some people sugar is addictive...maybe try to just eat less sugar and see how you feel. like a trial and error thing. i am sure your host family will understand.

and i dont think that we have to be obsessed to be healthy, however, i personally need to stop associating eating with love. its not love.

the self loathing is unfckingreal. i just sit back and watch the tapes in my head sometimes and think, no one else in the world would ever talk to themselves like this.

i watch all types of people living life: going out to eat enjoying themselves, hanging out, not beating themselves up, and they seem fine. they have families and jobs and lives and they live. LIVEEE. not sit around and feel like sh*t b/c they can't put the cookies down.

ARGH.

well i hoe you ENJOY your time away. also, when i hear the word enjoy i automatically think lying down and eating cookies til i pop. there are other joys in this world, or so you would thinkg!!