I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this, but I need to confess and destress and I need to do it publicly. Mainly, just to remind myself that I need to work on me for a change and stop making all of these excuses.

I'm going to warn you now, it's going to be long and possibly painful. I'll probably be crying by the time I'm done but it's something I need to do. Again... for me.

Background

I was a normal kid growing up. Blonde hair, blue eyed, pride and joy, parental nightmare kid growing up in the middle of no where with no real goals other than to graduate and get the heck out of King William County, VA. I was an only child which I had my way most of the time but as the years passed on I was less and less spoiled. I think the last really big freebie I got was my car for graduation which comes into play later in my story. I was an average weight growing up. I went through the grunge years from 13 to 15 where I was wearing oversized shirts and baggy jeans.... also when I gained and lost a lot of weight. Mainly from after school raids on the fridge and being stuck on TRL instead of homework. When I finally graduated high school I was 5'5" and 135 lbs. I was in no facet of peak physical performance, I had never played a sport in my life and I stopped taking gym when you could opt out of it in the 10th grade. I was slim and happy and 18... time to start looking for a way out of King William.

Finding Love

After the summer had faded I started community college at J Sargeant Reynolds. I had a goal of getting through 2 years of community college to skip the SAT requirement to get into Virginia Commonwealth University for a degree in Graphic Design. I was amped at first, but the drive to class was about 45 mins from my parents house and there was no on campus housing. I was making decent grades, but I particularly had a rough time getting up in the morning since it was school in the morning and work right after. Welcome to the real world Michelle! About this same time, I was online looking for information about modifying my car (yes I went through that phase) and I happened upon the website I'd meet my husband to be. I went to a car club meet with this group in Nags Head, NC and afterwards started to talk to Daniel online. I was still about 135 lbs when I met him. He thought I was gorgeous and we fell in love. We would drive 2 hours to see each other on the weekends. I remember he would drive right after work, come to see me for 30 minutes to and hour then drive home at 10 pm. It was love, and it was my ticket out of the country.

The Gain Begins

I moved out of my parents house on December 5th, 2003. Just when I thought I knew the real world... I was really really unprepared. I'd never paid a bill before in my life, I was going to school in a new area, with no friends to speak of and working a night shift at a grocery store. It was hard on my body. Being that I was living with Daniel, I adapted to his eating habits, eat whatever was in the fridge whenever you got an urge, lots of fast food and big restaurant dinners on the weekends. Daniel himself is not a small man... so you can see where I'm going with this. I ended up changing multiple jobs, and for 6 months I was unemployed. I had quit school because I didn't like Web Design. So I was at home all day just eating, sleeping, watching tv, and being and overall bum. Because money was tight, we lived off of frozen pizzas, fast food and whatever we could get our hands on. I got a new job in June of 2005 and things were starting to improve money wise, but there was no diet in sight. When we lived in our first apartment (2003 - 2005) we didn't have a scale, but I imagine that I weighed about 135 when I started and went up to about 175 by the time we had moved. I started in a size 7-9 jean, and I was wearing a 12 when we moved the last box out of the apartment.

New Apartment... New Weight?

When we moved into our new apartment, we were in a better neighborhood and just an overall better environment. We were both working and loving (even after some rocky times.) I had decided I wanted to join a gym because I needed to do something about being so heavy. I'll be honest. I had a strange feeling of being stared at the entire time I was there. It freaked me out and I think I only went 2 months then stopped all together. I had been engaged to Daniel since March of 2004 and we were falling into the comfortable stage until BAM! The bills show up. Rent was higher, bills were outrageous and it was tough on the both of us. We were picking and choosing which bills to pay so the lights wouldn't get cut off and the cable was still on. It was bad. Stress coupled with the fact I was sitting all of the time was really hard on me. The scales just kept creeping up and up. I had bought a scale finally around the first part of 2006. I blown up from 175 to 210.

Yes, you are reading that right... in three years I gained 75 lbs.

South Beach... not so beachy for me...

I actually found 3FC in September of 2006 and I had decided to try out the South Beach Diet because of course, my friend had tried it and it was working for her! Daniel and I had set a date finally for the wedding.... August 18th, 2007... so I had less than a year to get moving on my goals. I wanted to be about 170 to 160 by my wedding date. I had lost 5 lbs already and I thought it was achievable. I would attempt to visit the boards daily, follow the plan and be in control. God Bless Ruth and all of her advice for me! Like most things, I was committed for a few months, but those money issues started to have an effect on my grocery habits. Daniel hates veggies and of course I have to cook for him too, and I was getting complaints from him about me spending the majority of the grocery money on South Beach meals. It was rough, and for lack of will power, I gave in to the money issues and complaints. If we even had groceries in the house, they were what I'd call man groceries. I felt horrible leaving abandoning Ruth and the Beach, but I just couldn't stick to it. In total I think I got down to about 185 on South Beach. It was a great plan, just not for me.

Exercise and School... again

Somewhere in my timeline of life, I got a letter from my school saying they wanted me to pay about $4,000 out of pocket that I owed them from 2004. I of course didn't have the money. I was moving into a better financial period of my life, but who at 21 keeps $4,000 in their bank just to give away in one lump sum? I surely didn't. I had two options. Either pay the money, or go back to school and have financial aid cover it. The choice was obvious. I started back to school for Business Systems Administration in November of 2006. I was back to the old lifestyle, work during the day and school at night. I'll admit, its very rough on the body, and the choices you make for food aren't great ones. Before I had started back to school I was working out on the treadmill at the apartment complex roughly 2 to 3 days a week. I was overseeing the Biggest Loser challenges on the forums and losing a little. That was put on hold when school gave me that phone call. I had gained some of my weight back and I was losing / gaining the same 5 to 10 lbs. When I started Weight Watchers in April of 2007 I was 196.5 and wearing a size 16 to 18 jean.

Weight Watchers Saga

April of 2007 I started Weight Watchers and I was loving it. I went every Tuesday night and I loved the motivation and I loved the energy that I got from my Tuesday night meetings. I was losing weight even though I wasn't really exercising. I was still running the Biggest Loser challenges and I felt good because I was posting numbers. Then another big hit in my school career. I was going to have to start going back full time. I couldn't goto Tuesday night meetings anymore because I'd be missing class. So I had to switch to Saturday, which if you go to school and work full time, its your day to sleep in and catch up on beauty rest. I was missing my weigh ins and meetings left and right (not to mention I was still planning my own wedding through all of this.) I think since April of 2007 until now I've only weighed in 17 times. Which would mean I've missed 14 weeks worth of meetings. 14 chances to change my life, 14 chances to really show myself I could do it.

What I'm doing now

I'm still working and going to school full time. The wedding is behind me and I thankfully don't have that to stress over anymore. Money is still tight and groceries are a blessing when we get them. I'm still a member of Weight Watchers, but I've pretty much stalled at the lower 190's because I can't get the right foods/and I don't exercise. I feel disappointed in myself because I pep talk my girls over in the Biggest Loser forum, but I'm not posting great numbers anymore.

My goal is to lose weight before my one year anniversary next year. How much weight that should/could/would be I'm not sure. All I know is that I don't like where I am, and I don't want the slew of health problems that run in my family due to obesity. So here's my personal reminder to myself:

You are someone special.
You can stop using excuses to cover for your lack of commitment.
There are people that can support you.
You will learn to exercise with the time you have.
You will learn to wake up early and go to WW meetings.
You need to lose this weight for you.
You are worth it!

These are my confessions and excuses that I've given myself for the past 4 years of my life, and I needed to make a public statement that I'm refusing to use them anymore. I apologize if this was really long or anything like that but its something I needed to do and I hope you all understand.

Thanks for letting me vent!

Michelle <3

I am here to support you anyway I can!

Chellez, that must have been tough to write down. The fact that you are here and asking for support is going to go a long way in helping you meet your goals. I know when my motivation is flagging or I have a rough patch, the ladies (and gents!) here always re-inspire me.

I'm sorry to hear about your financial difficulties. It sucks that Daniel isn't being supportive of your weight loss efforts because of the $$$. I know that crappy convenience food is the easiest when you're busy, but you know, it's not always cheaper. Produce is still the cheapest stuff in the store. Whole wheat pasta and brown rice are cheap, too. Also, I switched from Loblaws to No Frills this year, and am saving $200 - $300 a month (family of 4)!!!!

Some suggestions to help you and DH compromise on the menu.....If Daniel wants pizza, buy some flatbread crusts and make your own - you can top your portion with better choices, less cheese, etc., and give him his "man toppings". My DH actually likes this kind of pizza better than the frozen ones.

My DH has decidedly less healthy tastes than I do, and the kids won't eat everything I like, either. So for lunches, I make big pots of healthy soups (Looneyspoons cookbooks are terrific, if you can get them there). I freeze them in individual tupperware, and voila! - instant healthy lunch for hardly any $$.

I have slowly revamped my DH's tastes over the years.... he would still eat crap for every meal, give the choice, but he now eats the healthier fare that I put in front of him. Obviously, I have to take his taste into account, eg. he doesn't like spicey food. But a chicken breast with some kind of low fat sauce is completely reasonable, so if he were to dare complain, I'd remind him where the stove is, and that he can cook what he likes on HIS night to cook (though it has yet to be his night in 15 years).

Meat is going to set you back, and unfortunately, the healthier cuts are the most expensive. But try shopping the sales, stocking up on "club pack" sizes, and just cutting back a bit on the meat consumption (many people eat too much of it anyway). If you're missing WW anyway, discontinue it, and put that money into healthier groceries. Ditto the unused gym membership.

And it never hurts to educate the men in our lives (who, after all, usually have less healthy habits than their clever wives!) .... all that crap is just as bad for them as it is for us. He won't change overnight, but with small steps and education, hopefully you can bring him around to a healthier way of eating too.

And sometimes the choices will be a bit less than ideal, health-wise, so you may need to compromise. When that happens at my house, I have a small portion of the not-so-great food, and make a nice big salad (cheap!), and call that dinner.

You write so well, hopefully, when you get down to your goal weight, you should really considered writing for a fitness magazine!

Tee - Awww thank you so much for your words of encouragement!

I finally got some money together and got some healthy groceries that are helping me plan out my day a lot better.

Thanks Janie for opening up my eyes to leaving WW. I finally canceled my membership this morning and I already feel better about having $40 bucks in my pocket every month. Unfortunately I can't dump the gym membership... I'm locked into a contract until March 2008.

I got a few books in the mail yesterday (thanks Suzanne! ) so I'm going to start planning and modifying this nasty unhealthy habit starting now! Well really it started yesterday but who's counting?

Synergy - Thank you! I actually thought it could have been laid out differently but being emotional takes its course on writing. It's all those advanced courses in English I tend to forget from time to time.

Stay strong, lady, I loved this post and it took some serious eggs to say some of the things you said there.

ohh, i want to support you in any way i can

best of luck on your goals....I know the feeling, I was at my lowest, thinnest at 135 lbs and now a whopping 207.....and it changed cuz of my bf, he eats
all the junk and I ate it with him....I do excercise, but eating all this crappy
food doesn't help the weight come off easily.

I am now trying Smart Ones meals and WW meals and trying not to eat more
than 1400 cal. per day.

(((you are not alone & thnaks for sharing))))

Kimber