So, tonight I'm feeling kinda icky. I had dinner, then binged on cheese of all things. It wasn't a super-binge, but I had about 5 ounces, which is enough to make me feel "ugh". Then, I sat and read for my Critical Theory and Methods course for an hour and a half...
Suddenly, the idea of ordering Dominos popped into my brain, but then I said: "eh...not worth calling/dealing with it..." plus, I'd want to hide it from my suitemate--all those weird bingey behaviors. But then I remembered that some Dominos have an online order option, so I got up and checked and I could order online. So I went as far as to put together the order that I used to binge on last year...I put in my address, phone number, everything...my credit card information. I hovered over the "place the order" button for seriously five minutes, then I closed the window.
I just feel like I needed to talk about it. I think part of it is I'm having a "lazy" day--and letting myself get into bored eating (the cheese was eaten out of compulsive boredom--something I was going to eat while I read my book), but part of it is feeling a little bit let down.
At one point this summer, I was 151. I've jumped around up and down all summer, but the last three weeks of August I really just let myself gorge on whatever I wanted. I got out to school and after a few days of the same, I pulled myself up short. I've been doing really good for the last five days. When I weighed in last Thursday, I was 158, and when I got on the scale this morning, it showed 157... I guess I feel like I should be making better progress after a week. I hoped to be in the mid 140s by now and instead, I've moved backward. I guess I'm making forward progress again, but I just wish that it was more apparent.
I just need to stick to my plan for more than a few days at a time. I have a bad habit--no matter what plan I'm on--of giving into binges 3 or 4 days into it. I've made it 5 days, and then ate too much cheese...I resisted the Dominos urge, but I wish I could have been stronger earlier, when it counted. I just consumed about 600 calories of cheese on top of my usual food...it pretty much negates the hard work I did yesterday at the gym. I guess I'm just feeling down.
Thanks for giving me a place to vent this...I know it's long and probably whiny....but this is really the only place I can talk to about it.
1. You will feel gross!!
2. The food never tastes as good as you expect.
3. You will wake up tomorrow feeling like crap and possibly do it again.
4. You will be disgusted with yourself and your lack of control.
So, I suggest you either go for a walk, or if it's not too early, go to bed!!
You should be proud of yourself for not ordering the pizza -- which tells me you really don't want to do this.
Consider the cheese your extra dose of calcium to make your bones strong and move on!!!
Not ordering that pizza was a HUGE step, not only was it impressive it itself, but you defied old patterns of conditioning! That is a MASSIVE achievement, its so hard to resist "old food cues".
Perhaps you havn't made as MUCH progress weight wise as you'd have liked by now, but you have lost and, more importantly, you're becoming a good deal better at dealing with bingey/I-want-junk moments.
imagine how you'd have felt if you had ordered that dominoes! it probably wouldn't have compared to how you feel right now! Any step forward is something, and you've definitely improved by deciding not to press that button... would that have been the case before? probably not.
We all feel like giving up sometimes... i DESPISE coming on 3fc and having to change my signature to a higher number but it makes me stronger ultimately. We have to just think... we CAN'T give up... we just can't. It's not an option. Think of the alternative *shudder* it doesn't bear thinking about!
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, try to turn this into a positive thing and say to yourself 'RIGHT i'm more determined than EVER to shut up this stupid binge alien!'
Thanks, girls. I think the hardest part about the binge behavior for me is that I know when I'm about to do it, I always have known. But in the past I would make some excuse to give in ("well, it won't hurt..." or "Just this one last time" or "what difference will it make? It's not like anything else has been working..."...I could go on and on). I've told everyone in my life that I've talked to that losing weight and maintaining is an uphill battle for most people. It's also mostly a mental battle, and that the rest--eating right and exercising--usually fall into place when I've got the upper hand in that battle with my mind.
I don't know why I choose to worry and freak myself out about any number I see on the scale. Weigh-in for me was last Thursday...and guess what? Today, Thursday, I am 155, even with eating all that cheese last night--so for the week, that's down three pounds, not one, I like I feared it was going to be last night.
If I would have given into my evil binge impulse, I wouldn't be 155 today...I would be right back where I started last week. Thank you 3FC and the girls of 3FC for giving me a place to come where I can feel sane in all of this, a place where I can do something else when I feel like a binge is imminent.
You sound a lot like me! I give myself excuses all the time. Including tonight. I'm really frustrated with myself right now but you reminded me that each choice not to binge is a victory. THankyou
That is a HUGE victory to not placing that order!!!! You did great!!! I had a victory moment earlier in the week as well but yesterday, well, not so good. I actually had a pretty huge binge for most of the afternoon. I am starting to come down with a cold or something and my period showed up as well so I had a double whammy... Add to that some anxiety about DH's illness. (makes no sense really since he is doing fabulous and is the only one WITHOUT a cold in the house!!) Well, it was just disaster so I am back to square one today. I still treasure the victory over the donut earlier in the week and I have not given up the fight!!! I ate well within my calories today and plan to do the same tomorrow...just act like it never happened until it doesn't any more!!!!
Tonight, I was on the verge of a binge. I was on my computer, looking at a delivery menu for a burrito place around the corner. I was THIS close to calling. But then, honest to God, I remembered reading your story about Domino's a few days ago, and I closed the window. I remembered exactly what you wrote about being on the "Order" page. So I followed suit. Just like that.
Thanks for sharing your story. You saved me tonight!
nyc1983, I'm glad that sharing what happened to me ended up helping you. I guess that's what's so great about this place, right? We help other people even when we didn't know that we could. Thanks for letting me know--it made me smile. Way to hang in there and close the window!
THIS close to giving in
but it makes me stronger ultimately. We have to just think... we CAN'T give up... we just can't. It's not an option. Think of the alternative 
*shudder* it doesn't bear thinking about!
Have some of my will power dust! 
i'm proud of ya!
