The ED Voice
 

i have read where others have mentioned it briefly, but it seems to be something noone really likes to talk about. For those who do not know what this is, it's a side effect of having an eating disorder. A " voice " in your head that tells you how bad you are. How you would get the things in life you want if you weren't such a fat pig. How everything is your fault because you aren't a size 2. It's humiliating, and degrading and makes you feel worse than anyone else ever could. At some point along the way, it can become a permanent part of who you are. Can even become who you are. This is when you no longer have an ED...it has you.

i have had " her " for as long as i can recall. There are periods...sometimes long ones...where i can ignore it so completely that i no longer hear it, but i know it is still there, lurking, waiting for me to try on a pair of jeans that don't quite fit yet and come out screaming " if you were'nt so fat, you'd be able to wear whatever you want ". The voice helps destroy all self-esteem, and distorts the reality you see in the mirror. At some point you stop trying for perfect and hope and pray that somehow you can just reach Good Enough.
It's hard to win a war when you feel you are the only one fighting it, so i thought i'd start a place where we who have this voice can find comfort with others who are struggling also.

I've always thought of mine as a monkey on my back. Mine knows allsorts of sneaky tricks to try to get me to eat. He has managed to convince me that overeating is for the best many times. I also have a drink monkey. After almost 9 months of sobriety, the voice is an awful lot quieter. I've learnt to recognise what he is trying to do and ignore him. Have to say I've found it harder with the ED monkey, one day at a time and I'll get there.

I'm so glad you've started this thread. I just went to my WW meeting yesterday with this question.

"I am full. I am not hungry, but how do I tell my mind NO that I do not need anything to eat."

That must be that ED voice you are talking about. A voice in my mind, telling me to eat and that I really want it because it would taste sooo good.

btw... what does ED stand for?

ED is eating disorder. There are many types.

I'm glad this thread was started because i've never thought of it as a 'voice'. It makes so much sense now. It's an alien that infests your mind. It's a foreigner, it's a disease. It's the voice that stops you from ever thinking you'll be good enough, no matter how much weight you lose. It's the voice that makes you eat when you're already stuffed with food. Thank you for helping me realise this! I know if i think of it as these things, i'll be less likely to listen to it. I don't want to give it a gender, it doesn't deserve one! I'll call it alien.

voice
 

:hug: to all.

i refer to it as " she " because it's a part of me and i'm female. Also because in using " she ", i am trying to maintain a seperation between it and who i am. i know, doesn't make much sense. i guess if i just think of the ED voice as ME, the i am my ED instead of someone who is striving to be more.:dizzy:

Mine doesn't say disparaging things about me most of the time. Unless I'm having an off day, I usually think I look pretty good. Mine likes to encourage me to binge, though. Mine thinks that eating 3/4 of a thin crust pepperoni pizza and an entire order of Cinnastix from Dominos is a good idea. Mine convinces me that since I already had ONE cookie--I might as well just eat whatever I want for the rest of the day, and a lot of it.

I've gotten better about not listening to the voice--I used to let it get me on a junk binge for days at a time or weeks at a time. Now, if it gets me, it's usually only for a meal or for a day. It's still not an ideal situation...but I'm trying to learn control. I've got a little bit of power over the voice--it can't make me go on days or week-long binges any more. Now, I've got to learn to tell it "no" regardless.

Thanks for this thread :) I'm glad I'm not the only one who's experienced it.

My goodness! This thread has really helped me. Thank you ALL so much. :)

I am going to give her a name. she's so negative. She tells me that the food is ok and its "just a little bit and a little bit wont hurt."

It is easy telling my kids no, now I can tell my ED no.

Thanks, again!

There isn't only an ED voice, there is also a healthy voice. We just need to encourage that voice to speak up and at least challenge the ED voice when she says something about food or weight. The real struggle is to not only challenge and counter the ED voice with healthy ideas and reality but to conquer the ED voice entirely. :)

I still have mine...
I chose to ignore it, most of the time.
Yesterday, it convinced me it was okay to eat 4 servings of pocky and a WW ice cream. I let it, sadly, for the first time in a while. Luckily, when it told me to purge, I figuratively stared it down and said "I WILL NOT go that route." I ate the food, which was a mistake. But I will NOT jump into bad habits.
My voice tells me often enough that I eat too much, that I'm too fat. Even when I lose weight, it tells me I'm not good enough. My efforts mean nothing. I suppress it. I like my healthy voice much better - the one that tells me I eat well to feel better and healthier. The one that tells me I'm not losing weight for superficial reasons, but because it's time to get in shape and live a happy, healthy life.
I don't think ED voices ever really leave you. They may hide for a while, but they're there. I had mine personally long before I had a distinct eating disorder. I was 6 the first time I heard that voice. I hope one day it will no longer haunt me, but if it does not leave, I will continue to fight it and not give it its way.

EDIT - For what it's worth, I used to call mine Anamia. It served me to remember how bad the voice is - this is what it got me into! But now, I don't think it's worthy of a name.

Valentinenicole-Anamia...as in PRO Ana Mia??? Yeah, i found one of thier sites by mistake and ended up feeling worse about myself than before. i too refuse to name " her " anything...something this destructive doesn't deserve a name.

No, definitely not pro anorexia/bulimia, or whatever. I have never ever supported eating disorders, in others or myself. It was just my way of reminding myself what that voice had led to, by shortening it into name form. It was a way to remind myself that if I listened to the voice, this is what would happen again - something I did in therapy, to help myself see it as harmful, which it was.
Actually, I've never heard of an anamia site. I guess it's just an easy name association, you know? Haha, and I thought I was being creative, back then.

I struggle with the inner voice of miss Ana all the time. Of course, I don't actually *hear* her voice, but there is something in my brain that keeps telling me that losing weight the healthy way may not be good enough, and that I need to do something more drastic to get faster results. I've never lost weight the healthy way before, and it can be so easy to want to give up and just starve, like I did on and off for years and stayed thin. I don't think people who have struggled with ED's ever fully get over them.

I wrote an entire song about this... "Her name is Ana and she used to be my friend. Her name is Ana, she said, 'I've come back again.' She said, 'You've been a miserable b!tch since you left me, you know you never really could forget me. You tried to push me away, I don't know why you did that, 'cause if you let me stay, you wouldn't be so fat. You say you're over me, but who are you trying to kid? Because now you hate yourself more than you ever did.

CHORUS: I will give you beauty. I'll make them all love you. You know it's my duty; they'll admire you like they used to. I will make you gorgeous. I'll give you self control. Without me, you're a hollow person, but I'll give you a hollow soul.

Her name is Ana and she's pretty as can be. Her name is Ana and she'll make them envy me. She said, 'Dammit, b!tch, I know that you miss me inside of you and you still can't resist me. I'm screaming, 'Take me now!' but you only hold back. I'm screaming, 'Take me now!' but you only attack. You say you're over me, but lust still fills your eyes. Pretending not to care has led to your demise. CHORUS.

Her name is Ana, she's the key to success. Her name is Ana, I'll fit into that dress. Her name is Ana, some say she is notorious. Her name is Ana, her triumph victorious. Her name is Ana, skinny on her throne. Her name is Ana, and I'm never alone, 'cause...

She will give me beauty. She'll make them all love me. I know it's her duty to make me the best that I can be. She will make me gorgeous. She'll give me self control. Without her, I'm a hollow person, 'cause she gave me my hollow soul..."

Nightengaleshane- The rule here is to agree to disagree and i have to do that. i read your song and it seemed to me that you found enough LIKE in your ED that you even made up a song about it. i'm sorry, but i started this thread in the hopes that those of us with ED's and voices we DON'T want ruining our minds, bodies, and lives could find support and help from others going through the same thing. i'm not trying to be critical, but at the same time i can't understand how you put a positive spin on something that is so completely destructive.

ED Voice
 

Valentinenicole-:hug: Now i understand. Thank you for explaining.

Actually, that was not the intention of the song...at all. :stress: I don't think I put a positive spin on it.... a good portion of the song was intended to be twisted and sarcastic.

I haven't practiced ED behavior in almost two years, FYI. I still struggle with the emotional issues of it, but I no longer hate my body the way I did when I wrote that song - I wrote it at my highest weight, while being angry and upset at myself for getting there. I wrote the song to make myself feel better... that's why I write... to get my thoughts out so that they're just words on paper as opposed to actions.

I hope I didn't come off as harsh or brusque... if I did, I didn't mean to... I just wanted to give you a little background info in hopes that you would understand a little more about where I was coming from and realize that by no means do I condone or promote ED behavior... the idea was to equate "Ana" with a sick, demented, passionate love affair... when I DID practice such things, it was a love/hate relationship - it often consumed my entire mind... but like I said, I've been ED free for almost two years now and I'm losing weight the healthy way.

voice
 

Nightengaleshane- My appologies. Clearly i misunderstood.:hug:

I had it since I was 13, and now its just a part of my personality.
Which is sad.

I have other issues like depression to worry about, the ED seems to have just blended into me and I don't even think its abnormal anymore. Sick but it is true.

emily
xxx

Emily- I agree 100% with you. My ED is me. Seriously I don't know who I would be without it. Actually, I would probably be normal and never count calories but I enjoy counting calories.

Sometimes I listen to the 'voice' and don't drown it out. After listening to it, I lose weight and relapse.

No matter what I think it might be years before I am ED free. I dont understand how celebrities are anorexic and bulimic for a period of months and then 'ok' Your never ok...

Hehe, No worries. I just don't want to give off the wrong message! :hug:

Actually, here's a hug for all you girls... :hug: It's a long, hard process to deal with eating disorders, and I'm not 100% sold that the battle ever totally ends (As in, you can live without an eating disorder, but every so often, the "ED voice" always seems to come back to visit). I think it's really important that we all support eachother.

NightengaleShane i understood your message. It's not like the messages in the poem were your opinions, it's what the ED voice makes you think when it takes over you :hug:

P.s you should be a poet

Awwww thank you :)

I'm glad you understood what I was trying to say - that makes me feel kind of good, you know? :hug:

I agree with pretty much everything you said.

I think it's very rare to EVER be completely ED free. Even if you're not practicing ED behavior, you still have the ED minset.

However, I do have a very good friend of mine who was anorexic in middle school and 9th grade, got professional help, and now seems to not have ED habits. She's pretty into eating healthy and working out, but she's not a total freak about food, not a calorie counter, and doesn't work out excessively... she just has some really healthy habits and a very positive self image.

I just wonder how she did it and I admire her for getting over her ED as much as she has, because I'm nowhere near there. I know I have a f'ed up view on food and my body... I probably always will. I just try to counteract the "ED voice" with logic.