Alrightyyy, here I go off ranting again, lolz. I'm pretty notorious for this, so as usual, I'll apologize ahead of time. Alright, so, since my corrective jaw surgery I've lost approximately 4 pounds (while on my period 8]) within these past few days (the first 3 days). I've yet to weigh myself, because I know that being on my period always puts on a little excess weight (bloating). Well, anyway, I've always had this thought...or rather, belief, lingering around in my mind....and I'm curious as to how others would perceive it. According to friends and such I'm 'lucky', they consider me 'thin' with size 34/36C boobs. The only thing is, I absolutely despire my chest! I hate hate hate that busty, curvacious look. It frightens me half to death. That's primarily the reason I've always wanted to become thin-I want smaller boobs. Right now I weigh approximately 123lbs at 5'6 and I'm aiming for 110lbs. While some poeple claim that that's 'too thin', nothing at this point is too thin for me. I want to feel weightless, light and airy...not heavy and weighed-down by enormous, grotesque breasts. I started wearing a bra when I was only in the third grade, and naturally, my extremely early development sparked a series of psychological problems within me. I was just recently hospitalized for cutting, a s'pposed "eating disorder" and severe depression and OCD (which doctors soon discovered stems from my bi-polar disorder). Anyway, I've finally gotten my cutting-addiction under wraps...there are still times when I'de love love love to cut myself (particularily when I've overeaten), but I've come thus far, and I can't turn back now. I still can't shake this "eating disorder"; everyone says that I'm complaining over nothing. Some people even had the audacity to claim that I'm "fishing for compliments" when I deem myself "fat"....that certainly is NOT the case. It bothers me tremendously when people say such things; they've no idea what I go through emotionally. I feel if I get any larger than I am now I cannot exist. I simply can't. Being fat is like a death sentence that I cannot accept with open arms. I'm truly sorry if what I'm saying is offending any of you reading this, I just felt the urge to get it off my chest. I just HAVEEE to become thinner. I can envision myself: nice and lean, no love-handles, a flat stomach, super-small breasts, a perfectly lean and trim figure...that's what I aspire to acquire above all else. I've discussed this with my mom and therapist on numerous occassions. My mother suffered with anorexia for 10 years prior to my birth, and still to this day, counts and keeps track of her calories and weight loss/gain. Although, she has a severe thyroid problem that's caused her to pack on about 20 extra pounds. To say that bothers her would be the understatement of the year. I've this belief instilled in my head: thinner is the winner, being heavy or fat is unexcusable, disgusting and above all, unattractive and utterly unacceptable. I'm sorry, I simply can't think any other way. I HAVE to think this way in order to scare myself in to becomming thinner. Arghhh...sometimes I feel like this will never end. Everytime I take a bite of anything, I'm automatically feeling guilt and shame, not to mention, calculationg the number of calories in it....I just can't help feeling this way. All of my friends (and most of my fmaily) are completely and utterly fed up with me and my so-called 'outlandish' beliefs. What's wrong with me? I'm feeling so sick and dizzy...I've only had fluids for the past five days or so and I don't feel well at all. I do believe I'm growing ill. But in my strange frame of mind, I commend myself for not having eaten thus far. Oh, what the heck is wrong with me? Is anyone else here haunted by these thoughts? Moms, do you have daughters who behave/think this way?

I'd greatly appreciate the input. And again, I apologize for my being so prejudice...I'm not trying to be by any means. I'm just being as truthful as I possibly can.

You are perfectly normal. If you were to try and lose weight down to 110lbs, you'd have a bmi of only 17.8 and anything less than 18.5 is considered unhealthy and underweight.

Currently, your bmi is just under 20, which is in the lower end of the healthy BMI range. I wouldnt condone you trying to lose anymore weight, and I dont think anyone else here would either.

You need to come to terms with what you have, and start listening when your friends tell you that you are skinny! I would talk with your doctor about possibly seeing a psychologist. I know it really helped me to have someone to talk to about my problems, knowing they wouldnt judge me and only try to help. I dont think I've seen anyone on this site as small as you are starting out, and I can tell you've been through a lot through your life so far.

I used to cut as well, and my family has a myriad of eating disorders throughout. I often consider breast reduction surgery, only because of how much pain is caused to my back, not because I'm ashamed of how they look. I would hate to see another person who is perfectly healthy starving themselves for the sake of a few pounds. Self-image and vanity are not the most important things for a happy, healthy lifestyle.

I can only beg you to get some help, and try to come to terms with the body you have to the point where you are a lifetime maintainer of a healthy weight! Best of luck!

Brianna, continue talking to your therapist! That is an excellent outlet for your feelings. You are being truthful and are trying to work through what is in your head, and that is the first step in getting through things.

No one can tell you that your feelings are wrong. We cannot control our feelings, but we can control what we do about them. Your therapist will help you learn how to deal with your feelings in a healthy way.

Our goal should be to be healthy, not "thin". It sounds like your all liquid diet is sapping your body of needed nutrients and calories. We NEED calories for our brains and bodies to function properly. Not eating enough can cause problems for your heart and other vital organs as well. Are you able to see a nutritionist who can suggest a good, healthy, balanced diet for you? If your diet is approved by a professional maybe you would feel better about what you're putting in your mouth.

Remember, food is our fuel. It is not all bad.

You are dealing with a lot of different things, and it sounds like you have professional people who are helping you. Keep listening to their advice.

Good luck!

Kara

If you hate your breasts so much, and you strive to reduce them even if that means losing weight to an unhealthy weight for you, perhaps you can consider a breast reduction?

It's easy to say "love yourself" and "accept yourself", but you have to sit down and try to love yourself.

Hey Brianna,

You have come such a long way! Good for you for resisting that urge to cut. And, I hope you are still seeing your therapist regularly and following a sensible program.

Right now you are soooo stressed from your jaw surgery! This means all of your issues are right up in your face. Take a deep breath and try to relax a little--this is hard stuff you're going through.

I'm going to move your post to the Chicks In Control forum because our members who post there often have better insights into ED--but please do feel free to post in the Support forum whenever you like!

Take care of yourself! Get better! Things will improve for you!

Jay

you're not alone. these feelings haunt me too. i can completely sympathize with you, and you're not a bad person for feeling this way. eating disorders are very psychological, and morph your mentality into something unrealistic. i'm very proud of you also for resisting your urge to cut, you've come a long way. and i have the confidence that you can get better.

i've been bulimic since i was 13, and i'm turning 21 in the next few months. i never stop thinking about how much i ate at each meal, how much i should eat, how fattening that food is, how that food will ruin my body, or how many calories that food has. i've always been naturally skinny, throughout my whole life, but when college came around, the stress eating, late night eating, narrower healthier options for food, and drinking/partying, i gained weight. i had was complimented by all my friends for how skinny i was, and how they wish they had my body...i wore my slim body as a badge of honor, as an achievement as a person. sick, i know. i've had a pretty low self-esteem, growing up and now too,i felt like i was never good at school, sports, or anything. so being skinny was my way of being good at something, being worth something to people. it took me 3 years to finally see a therapist because before then, i was afraid that she would make me eat "healthy" again, and automatically to me, that meant, getting fat. which was totally untrue. with my therapist, i've gotten a whole lot better, and i'm recovering from my eating disorder. i've learned that it is more beneficial to be healthy and happy, than to be this unrealistic thin ideal. of course i still have my bad days, but i keep reminding myself that i know in the long run, to have a healthy body is going to bring me more happiness, than to worry about every tiny and detail of my weight, diet, food and exercise. thinking about all that makes you miss out on living life! i know it's easier said than done, but try to remember that.

i'm really proud of you that you're talking to a therapist, it will really help out a lot. gradually you'll get better and better, he or she will teach you how to deal with these feelings, and give you a healthy and balanced diet/food plan. your therapist is here to help, and not hurt. just as the other girls said, food is fuel for your body and it is not the enemy. we need food to keep us going throughout the day, it's our energy to live. please learn to love yourself, because i bet you're a wonderful and beautiful person who definitely has the potential to be healthy and happy! good luck.

Try having 34E breasts, being 5ft 7ins and about 128lbs...I'm a size 6 but have huge breasts, I absolutely hate it. I know where you are coming from, but you could have it worse, I promise.

I know its annoying to have people envy you when all you want to say is *actually, its ANNOYING to be this shape!* . I feel sick and a bit like ...an object? even though I always cover up, wear trousers etc.

When I lose weight my breasts don't shrink I think I'll be in line for a reduction someday

emily
xxx

Thank you guys so so much for the help and support. I'll try to reply to each of you individually-I've just been super tired these past few days due to all the medication and surgery business, lol. I feel guilty for complaining because I realize that in truth, I've nothing to complain over. Still, it's like, if I wear a tank top or whatever, I feel as though everyone is saying, "Ew, she shouldn't be wearing that. Look how chubby she is. She could lose about 15 pounds...", etc., etc. It's a horrid feeling. I commend each of you for doing your best to be healthy. Being healthy is ultimately the most important part of life.


Thanks again :]