Hello to you all...
 

Warning: This post will probably contain mention of specific foods and instances... so if something like that is liable to set off not-so-happy things, stop reading now. *hugs*










I'm sorry if there is a seperate thread for things like this, just tell me. I just had to get this out, before I lost my nerve.

I'm not new to the 3FC community, but I usually post over in the 20-somethings. I really thought I had this dieting thing under my belt.. but Im slowly realizing how hard this is for me. I still have work to do, and the first thing is to confess that I have a problem, right? So this is really very hard for me.. but I will take a deep breath and do it.

I've actually been lurking on this board for a while, and I've found you all very inspirational. And I've contemplated posting here, but thought "I don't binge eat anymore. I used to, back when I was not being healthy... binge eating got me big, and was actually how I made the decision to lose weight. But not anymore." Today I realized, I still do... not really on chips and such as I used, but I still do. Today I came home from my break, and ate my soup and my spinich-feta bake... the bake I really did not have to have. I was not hungry, but I felt like eating more. After that I was standing at the fridge, eating pickles, peanuts... whatever small thing I could get my hands on. Tonight with dinner, much of the same... while heating up leftover spaghetti, I was eating some more of the cold stuff out of the container. After eating two helpings (with sneaking some cold stuff in between), I wanted to eat more.. peanuts, or popcorn. I had to force myself to stop, Im still wanting to eat more. After 4 months and 40 pounds, you would think I would know better! But I suppose it's more habit than knowledge.. the habit I still have of eating, eating, eating, even though I should know better.

I'm thinking as I write this. Some of you have written that you would go to multiple drive-thrus and get lots of food. I have never done this, but only because I don't drive.. I have spent most of my working life at food places, and I HAVE hovered over the fryers, stealing fries from baskets and whatever other food I could get my hands on. Especially when I worked for 9 months as a short order cook, I was eating constantly. And I am really only now realizing that. And it still hasn't changed.. I mean, the other night I was scooping some chicken teriyaki out of the container with my fingers, so that boyfriend wouldnt know I was eating some

I've read the OA stuff, etc... and I think it sounds like me. The feeling like you can't stop... once I get going, I feel like I have to keep going. Maybe that's me, I'm not sure. I have a hard time judging myself.... oh heck, I read all those questions and answered yes to most of them. I think I'm still just in denial.

I'm sorry this was so long. i think I'll be comming here a lot... tomorrow, with any luck, I will have a full day without tasting as I cook or digging out on leftovers!

Thank you all for listening, and I apologize again if this should have been posted somewhere else. I just HAD to get it out -
~Fae

Welcome!!

Its really hard to admit you have a 'problem' but once its off your chest things seem to be so much easier. We support each other here so much and i'm really glad your posting :)

I know this thread has changed my life and i'm sure it will help you too!

:carrot:

Hi and welcome :D.

It is very hard to admit that you have a problem at first, but once you get over that hump the rest is downhill. OMG let me tell you what a relief it is. I honestly feel like I can shout it from the rooftops, like if a random person asks me I can tell them without being ashamed, and explain to them that it IS real and I'm not crazy LOL.

Please come here, vent, talk, whatever it may be - it definintely helps!

Fae, I know that admitting your binge confession was hard, but you'll be surprised at how FREEING it can be! Dr. Phil (who I really love for his practical advice) always says that you can't change what you don't acknowledge, and I totally agree with that! If you don't acknowledge that you have to battle the binge-monster then he'll always have a hold on some portion of your mind and your will power.

Until I found this site, I didn't realize that other people would go through the same "food rituals" that I did. Sneaking food so that others wouldn't notice how much I was eating. Eating late at night when others were sleeping and in "secret". Hiding empty food containers so that they wouldn't be discovered by my family/friends. Sneaking cold left-overs out of the containers. Buying food specifically for a late-night binge. Etc. But admitting that I have engaged in this "Binge-monster" behavior and that I'm not alone really helped me to control myself! If it's not a little secret that undermines everything that I do then it no longer has power over me.

I hope that you find that your personal Binge-Monster is put to rest as well. Knowing that you're not alone and that you're not keeping it all secret will help to kill the shame and guilt associated with it. We're here for you and help that you find lots of support and inspiration as we all face the same struggles!

:wizard: Barb

I know what you mean about grazing all day working around food.
I was a barrista for about a year and every shift I was asked to try something that the baker just baked, or I'd fix myself something to drink (lots of sugar and milk) and add on top of that my free shift meal, which I felt I "deserved" whether I was hungry or not. Then little things that were floating around free for the grabbing... biscotti, chocolate covered beans, etc.
My justification was that I was on my feet all day and burning it off.

I put some of the stuff in my Fitday a week ago that I used to graze on like a month ago, I was up to 3500 calories a day! and that's only after one healthy meal and the rest me thinking i was just snacking lightly.

I think I have just now learned that EVERYthing i put into my body counts.
I mean, I knew it, but I didn't KNOOOOOOW it.

I think that all of us bingers are super-smart.
We're brilliant at conning ourselves into justifying when we binge/graze.

I haven't quite gotten a good defense mechanism, I just really within this last few months realized I do it when I'm bored or stressed, but this past week I've been on a food program where they send the meals to your house and i've not gone off the plan once in a week, which is a 30 year record for me.

Like you I want to find out what my "triggers" are.
There really doesn't seem to be any rhyme nor reason to them.

It took alot of courage to post that Fae. I am glad that you were able to get the weight of that "confession" off your shoulders.
I have painfully come to the realization that EDs do not *magically* disappear but have to be constantly worked on for a lifetime.
You will probably have other battles with binging at points in your life, but that doesn't mean that you have to lose them. You can win them all.
We are here to support you. :hug:

Everyone, thank you so much! In case you can't tell, I have anxiety about sticking my neck out in any kinds of situations.. and reading what you guys have said is great! Knowing that I'm not the only one who has lied about eating dinner so she could eat again, or eating to be social even though she was already stuffed.. :)

Plus, so far today I have not eaten anything unplanned... no random snacking on peanuts or pickles, no boredom eating... phew! It's odd that I feel in control today.. a delicate control, but a control nonetheless. yet there is still dinner to make.. a time when I habitually steal tastes throughout the entire process. Here's to being strong!

RocknRoll - Thank you! :)

mamasita - I know what you mean... I still have feel like I'm being over dramatic saying "Yes, I do have a problem with food". but.. I suppose I will get over it.

Barb - thank you so much! I had thinking much along the same lines.. and I know that if I didnt say it out loud, for someone else to hear, that I would just pretend I never said it. So I said it here, because I don't want to pretend anymore.

Celest - isn't it crazy to think about what we put on our body, unaware/ I know I do NOT want to add up the calories I used to eat when I worked with food... *shudders*

Shrinking - *hugs* I'll be honest, when I saw your reply I thought "Gah! No! Someone who knows me from the other board! I didnt want anyone to see this!" which I suppose is kind of silly, but I have issues of the non-eating variety... although that may tie into eating issues.. hmm *ponders* Something to work on, methinks. Anyway, thanks for your words, and your understanding. I can do this!

Well, off to walk to the grocery store and get my bi-weekly groceries (thankfully nothing to snack on.. I buy things ONLY to make meals and freeze them, so I have lunches for the next 2 weeks)