Living in major denial
 

Ok not quite major denial but...

I really don't want to admit that I'm a binger. I guess I have lost 100 lbs or so and didn't admit that to myself. In order to lose the weight though, I did have to take control of the binging and bring myself back to normal.

In the past couple months though it has been hard for me to take control. I realized that I really wanted to binge. I didn't enjoy the feeling afterwards but I did enjoy the eating and the tasting. When the thought crossed my mind that if I could figure out a way to binge and lose weight, I'd do it.

When I was younger, I'd buy an entire gallon of ice cream knowing that I planned to eat it at 1 or 2 sittings. I'd buy an entire loaf of bread with some cheese knowing that I planned to eat it at a single sitting. I'd make a meal that should've lasted a few days but yet I'd scarf it down. My reasoning was basically that it was there and tasty, why not just eat it? I guess I have shown some improvement because if I know I plan to eat an entire something at a single sitting, I won't buy it. The temptation is there though recently and I can't quite kick it yet.

Anyway, it is hard for me and I am in control somewhat but I hate battling the urges to just continue eating, to pile the food high, to eat something because it is available, not because I am hungry. I also hate battling the urges of "oh we should buy that to taste that, it looks/smells good, i know it isn't good for me but I want to taste it". Of course I know it isn't just a taste I want, I want it all. The thought even crossed my mind that I could continue to binge and maintain my weight if I balanced my calories right. That isn't where I want to be though.

So I've been living in major denial, but I want to say that yes I am a binger and I have to battle urges to binge if I want to lose more weight.

I hate to say this to you, but quite frankly I'm not at all surprised to hear that you are a binger. I too am?/was?/am? a binger. It would be next to impossible for me or anyone to climb up to 287 lbs at 5 foot nothing if I hadn't binged. I would think that most, if not all obese people were bingers at one time.

I did the same things as you. I would actually buy things with the intention of eating the entire thing during the course of one day. Yup, 1/2 gallons of ice cream, cookies, tons of candy bars, double servings of fast food, 1 pound of mozzerella cheese and on and on.

When I hit my 50lbs. lost mark I even wrote a post on this forum of how I once binged. And at times actually missed it. I did love, love, love the food. Although felt literally sick to my stomach after eating so much. But for me it finally became enough is enough lady. Which do you love more the darn, stupid food or myself? And thankfully I finally chose myself. I am happy to say I haven't had a binge, save a small incident with 1/2 box of fiber cereal and an all day grazing of some veggies and chicken breast. I keep my house well stocked with only good things.

But I do gotta tell you when I do my grocery shopping sometimes and I see those candy bars and ice cream, the boxes of pasta and the such, the thought does cross my mind every now and then for a second or two. With just 77lbs gone and more then that left to still lose, I am feeling, okay and looking soooo much better. I think i made the right choice. I made a mess of my body and it's finally time to start cleaning up the mess and binging doesn't quite fit in. I do believe those days are gone, but I'm no dummy, Mr. binge would be glad to enter my life at any moment. I'll just have to be on guard - forever.

Good luck to you Nelie.

I guess it surprised me :)

I also don't remember most of my weight gain so I don't remember how it happened. All I know is I was a 300 lb 14 yr old but I don't know how I got there. Did I binge? I must've. I don't remember though. Although from 14 to 19, I pretty much maintained my 300 lb physique. Between the ages of 20 and 24 though I gained 60 lbs. I do remember the binging in those years and even the years that followed between 24 to 29 where I maintained at around 360.

I do feel a lot better to admitting to myself that I have a problem and knowing that it is a problem, not an acceptable way of living.

I too felt better acknowledging my problem. Kinda like if you don't acknowledge it then you certainly can not change it. Once you are AWARE of it then you can take steps to try control it. People of a normal weight don't binge, that's all there is too it. I'm sure they have their occasional ate too much of this, shouldn't of had more of that, could have done without this, but never to the extent that I binged. I think it's a matter of reprogramming the brain and it IS possible. What was once okay to do in my book is now not acceptable. Period. And now it is just the occassional oops, ate to much of this and the did I really need more of that? I am now, well at least for now, more addicted to the weightloss, then I ever was of the food.

I am/was a binger. I went from 248 to 160, then I had one bad day. I binged because I wanted to eat, feel the texture of the food; just to enjoy the taste and feeling full and undeprived.

I binged over and over again every single day for about 11 months until recently I just got motivated to diet again. I don't really know how to stop binges...but I think binges occur because you are simply missing eating. I think the best thing is to "go off" your diet a little and be reasonable when you do it. Like...if you go by calories...choose an average number and let yourself do that until you're ready to go again.

Once the binging starts, it's hard to stop. Just don't give up hope. I binged the first 10 pounds back and said I was a failure. 10 pounds is much easier to lose than the 90 I put back on. A setback is okay, but you have to know that you are able to put an end to it.

My boyfriend said something true to me: "You don't subconciously pick up food and eat it. At some point you make a concious decision to eat that food and let it get the better of you."

I think there should be some motivational pictures in your kitchen to remind you.

I just want you to know that you've lost a BUNCH of weight! What you've done so far hasn't been easy. And if you let your binges overwhelm you, you'll let yourself lose it to feel that momentary relief. But the feeling of guilt is terrible.

I think you just got to give yourself one free guiltless day and let yourself eat anything you like. But the next day you make yourself go back on the diet.

That really is the best thing. But remember that you WANT to change, not that you need to!

Nelie,

Congrats on losing so much weight! That is a fantastic accomplishment!

AND Congrats on gaining some personal insight and acknowledging you have a problem! Fighting an urge to binge can be tough, but you've made amazing progress! You CAN do this!

I can totally relate to your post. I've used food for YEARS as a drug....to numb myself, to give myself pleasure, to ease boredom, pain, etc... and because I LOVE the taste of food!

Now, I'm learning that food is FUEL. It is a hard lesson to really learn and accept.

Good luck on your continued success! You are FAR stronger than food!

I can absolutely, completely, 100% relate to everything you've all posted on this thread. I too have lost weight (to my goal weight) many times, and regained it by bingeing. Last summer I achieved my goal weight then began bingeing again. I struggled and tried to control it, and kept giving up. I gained 35 or so pounds in just a few months, and I've got the stretch marks to prove it. I think there were three primary causes:

1) Eating too little when I was dieting all summer.
2) A lot of external stress in my life all fall/winter.
3) Not fully accepting that I needed to consistently make healthy eating a lifestyle for the rest of my life.

Now I am eating a little more (1500 calories per day as opposed to 1200), I have fewer external stressors, and I am accepting that this is my lifestyle for the rest of my life.

Nelie, I think there is a chance your body is HUGNRY. If that is the case, please DO NOT binge. It will only make the binge feel so good you'll want to do it again. And again. But DO increase your caloric intake a LITTLE to get through this period. You'll be surprised when you feed your body a little more it will probably thank you and not need the binge so much. Also, please don't ever start feeling like the binge is inevitable. It is not inevitable. You have a wonderful choice, you've lost so much already by making these choices.

No one ever said it would be easy. Sometimes we go through an easy phase for a while and we are SHOCKED when it gets tough again. Just tough it out til the smooth sailing starts anew.

Lindy

Hmmm...sorry, but yes they do. I've been at or below my goal weight for 5 years now and I still fight this and sometimes lose the battle. I just do it a LOT less frequently, with less food, and compensate by really eating clean and doing a ton of cardio. As for keeping the house free of trigger foods, I find that impossible. I've managed to turn virtually anything into a trigger food. OK, I've never binged on lettuce and tilapia:p

For me, the key is to never get hungry, try to think before I eat when I'm angry or upset and go workout instead, and take someone with me when I go grocery shopping if I'm feeling vulnerable. I always carry food- a sure path to disaster for me is to be out shopping and miss a meal. I'm way too likely to pop into Sam's Club for the industrial size bag of trail mix.

Mel

No, no, no not fair, you didn't quote the whole paragraph. See it went on to say "but never to the extent that I binged". Meaning all day grazing binges, day after day. Week after, week, month after month, year after year. And then you yourself go on to say " I just do it a LOT less frequently" so therefore just like I said it's "NEVER TO THE EXTENT THAT I BINGED". So, if you're going to quote, PLEASE, PLEASE include the whole thing. Thank you. ;)

Not to minimize the differences, but I think binging is binging. If a person is a binger, it's almost an impossible response to break. I wouldn't even call it a "habit" because that implies something that can be unlearned and replaced. I wasn't trying to quote you out of context, just say that the binge monster rarely is banished outright.

Mel

Now that's something we can both agree on, to quote you - "the binge monster rarely is banished outright".

Nelie,

I just wanted to thank you for your honesty. I hope that this realization helps you in the rest of your journey.

I have had days where all I want is to feel the food in my mouth, as I put more and more in it, even when I can tell I am no longer hungry. It is getting better, as I am more aware, but still an icky feeling when I realize I'm doing it.

This is not the same thing, but along the same vein. When I go to some restaurants, or at parties, I still feel myself searching out the very largest portion, piece of cake, whatever. I actually feel deprived or disappointed if I don't get the largest possible piece. Even now, as I have significantly improved my portion sizes, I feel myself doing this almost subconsciously.

Oh Myyyyy
 

Ladies, you made me realize that I, too, am a BINGER.
I have the SAME behaviors that you all mentioned (including finding the largest possible portions of foods...which has also become a habit for me as well)...I can't say how many times I have put down a fork or a spoon after a binge and thought to myself that I really should not have consumed that much.. I can't tell you how much I have cooked huge portions of meals with the intent of refrigerating at least half of it for another day, but end up eating all of it instead. Sometimes I even take out whatever i did manage to refrigerate, heat it up, and eat that too. I dont know why I do these things, but I only do them when I am alone, and I have never admitted these things to another living soul. To top it all off, I have that dreaded all-or-nothing attitude that definitely sets me up for failure. I need to STOP thinking that one day of not exercising allows me to not exercise for the week. I need to STOP thinking that "since I ate ___ anyway, it doesnt matter what I eat for the rest of today." I need to STOP STOP STOP thinking that 10 or 15 minutes of activity is worthless.
Thank you so much ladies and I wish us all the very best this year and for the rest of our lives. I am glad that you have all helped me open this door that has been closed in my mind for so many years.

Me too!!! UGH! Sometimes I can resist. But just knowing that the easily accessible food is in my fridge is torture. I *know* I shouldn't think that way and that I should have more control. But sometimes I don't.

Now, I only cook what dh and I will consume. NO LEFTOVERS! Leftovers end up on my hips, I call them hipovers!

This thread really spoke to me, too. Thanks to each of you for being so honest. All I can say is, me too.

I used to do the thing where I'd cook something then end up eating it all. I would eat it for various reasons "Oh it tasted so good, I want more" or even for some reason I couldn't just put it away. It was really something I struggled with a lot when I started losing weight. Now I live on leftovers. I dish out my food on a salad plate for dinner, give the same to DH and then don't go back for seconds. I'm actually pretty decent when DH is around but when he is not is when I get weak. Usually if he is around and I'm in binge mode, I'll tend to eat more than usual but not all out eating fest.

I agree that normal sized women (which I've been most of my life) also binge sometimes, but we probably just do it a bit differently to "maintain".

1. I would eat a lot on the weekends but then ALWAYS get in gear again on mondays, tues, wed. So I would usually take off whatever I gained over the weekend.

2. I always weighed myself so I couldn't deny that I had put on weight.

3. I would try to binge on healthier lower calorie fair when possible. Several bowls of cereal or several FF franks etc. Still less calories than chips or cookies and more filling.

4. I would exercise regularly for at least 6 months out of every year. So I would take off what I put on from not exercising much the prior six months.

I still thought about food constantly and would sit around on the weekends and eat way more than I needed, but the above helped me keep things relatively in check.

Sometimes I do find myself wondering how "normal people" eat.

My younger sister is a dancer, lean and muscular. And she says she sometimes binges, even on unhealthy things like ice cream and cookies. It's just usually she doesn't, and her binge is smaller than my binge. I imagine her stomach is smaller in general. But a few times a year, she says, she'll just have a really rotten day and buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's and eat the whole thing, or go through half a bag of Oreos, or whatever.

She keeps that food out of her house, or makes her boyfriend hide it if he has it around, because she says it's hard for her to resist. And she's a 'normal eater'.

But I do find the food eating habits of normal eating people fascinating. I wish I could read a book on how to eat like a normal human being sometimes...

Interesting thoughts about 'normal' eaters ... :)

My opinion is that 'normal' eaters are born that way - it's just the way their brains are wired. Ours are wired differently and I don't think 'normal eating' is something that we can train ourselves to do naturally (i.e. without thought).

For myself, I know I'll always have to be a 'thoughtful' eater. I can't rely on my stomach for accurate cues about what and how much I should eat (it always screams 'more, more, more' fat and sugar!) So I need to use my head to decide what and when to eat and most importantly, when to stop. I have to plan and think to end up with the result that others may come by naturally.

Of critical importance to my maintenance is the fact that I don't use 'normal' people as my peer group for comparison, even though I may look 'normal' on the outside now. 'Normal' eaters could never gain 100 pounds in six months ... I could easily. 'Normal' eaters don't eat 3000 calories in 15 minutes ... I can and still do sometimes (though more and more rarely - interestingly, the worst binges of my life were immediately after I reached goal, that is - 'normal' weight). Nope, I'm still a fat chick on the inside and can't ever let myself forget how easy it would be to slide right back into obesity.

Bottom line: I'm not a normal eater and know I never will be, but I'm really perfectly OK with that! :)

You know, what, Nelie? Bravo to you..congratulations for facing your demon. I have to say that back in March or whenever I first started coming here, it was your posts I hunted to read, your posts that motivated and inspired me the most. I would think, now there is a girl who makes the right choices and seems to have a good head on her shoulders. Most of your posts were intelligent, well thought out and educational. You often seemed to have the answers and knew alot about exercising and whole foods. I never stopped to think how you got to your highest weight, I just thought about how determined you were and how you almost made it seem easy. So anyways, your "confession" really means alot to me, that even my "icons" are not perfect. We're here for you!

BTW you looked stunning in your wedding dress!