New Man and Horrible Body :(

  • I know I've read through some similar posts, but thought I'd throw it out there again in case there is any additional insight.

    I met a guy online after being a single mom and literally not dating for 16 years - I had gone on dates with 6 or so other men that just weren't for me - we've been talking on the phone for hours and have been out a few times in person (he lives kind of far, and has kids etc so time together as at a premium). I REALLY like this guy, and I think he's digging me too I cyber stalked his ex wife and she is petite and beautiful which makes this even harder for me.

    He's old fashioned, so other than a sweet little kiss there's not been anything physical yet. I made mistakes in my younger days jumping in too fast with sex and am determined NOT to do that again.

    He is 49, am 42 and have never been married. At my heaviest I was 323, I am 208 now and want to get down to 170 at which point I MIGHT consider some plastic surgery to help with my loose skin - arms, thighs, tummy and saggy boobies.

    Here's my thing - I REALLY like this guy and it makes me actually tear up to think that I can't give him what I feel he deserves which is a rockin body - mine sucks. I mean, there are worse no doubt - I have plenty of great qualities and am attractive but take my clothes off and yuck - especially from the belly button to my knees. I'm funny, fun, intelligent, compassionate etc - and these are things that he is attracted to in me. And my eyes - he's said I have beautiful eyes

    The thing is WHEN do I tell him- hey - just so you know, I am NOT the complete package - my body is gross. I don't want to wait too long because I don't want it to feel like a bait and switch, but I don't want to tell him too soon in case it scares him off. Ahhhh - and HOW do I say it?

    I am really struggling here. I want so badly to share life with someone and eventually have physical intimacy (I LOVE sex but I am so scared of rejection and judgement - and honestly no matter what he SAID, I think I couldn't possibly believe it if he somehow was attracted to my body.

    Ha - I sound like I need counseling!

    Anyway - any input is welcome. Thanks!
  • Only he can judge what he wants, you can't do that for him. It's not your place.
    Check your negative self talk- LISTEN and ENJOY his compliments What happens will happen, but it sounds like a lovely start!!!!!
  • I can totally relate. I started online dating after a long break too. Here is what I said to men who were interested...and I said this fairly early on, like within the first 2-3 messages beyond 'hello':

    "I am smart, funny, sexy and pretty, but I'm also overweight. I am not for everyone, and if you prefer petite or thin girls body type then I'm probably not for you."

    Just get it out there. Some people will opt out fairly quickly, but usually in a very kind way, and some will say that they don't care and you'll move on with those ones. If your current friend doesn't like it, please don't despair, trust me, there will be more. I blogged about my experiences and there was never any shortage of interested men, despite my size (which was 220lbs and 5'6" at the time).

    Confidence is sexy, vulnerability is yourself and be honest whenever possible (it's always possible )

    I always had 1-2 full body pics to share (fully dressed of course!)
  • He's lucky to have someone like you at all in his life so be confident in yourself. An old guy, divorced (?) with kids meets a younger, single mom?

    That's one lucky guy and he knows it.

    Just be you and go from there.

    He's the one who should be worried, not you.

    Be confident. Don't talk down anything about yourself.
  • Just from a guy's perspective. I've never been with a woman and found her less attractive after the clothes came off. I'm not sure if that's standard or not. But it's my experience.
  • Babe, please do not devalue your self-worth because how you feel you look like! Don't ever let anyone make you feel less valued because of their own preferences!

    People who matter won't mind, and people who mind don't matter.
  • Has it crossed your mind that HIS body isn't perfect either? YOU deserve someone that you find attractive too!

    Finding someone attractive isn't about a great body, it is about great chemistry, which has a million intangibles.

    Also, the ex may be petite now, but this could be her revenge body. You just don't know.

    Lastly, he's no longer with the ex. If she were the be all, end all, he would be.

    The most attractive features are joy and confidence. Focus on loving your fabulous self!
  • I just can't judge anyone.
  • Think about the fact that if he shows you such attention then he definitely likes you, even at his weight. He can be attracted to you not only by your looks but also by your communication. Although many people can't even do that. When I was dating online at it was a terrible problem for me to get the opposite sex through messaging. And that I would have it worked, I read a blog with tips.


body image issues, intimacy issues, skin