Hi everyone! My name is Kristen and this is my first time posting here. Here's a brief rundown of my journey. I've been overweight my entire life. By the time I reached my early 20's I was over 300 lbs. A health scare in 2007 influenced me to finally begin my weight loss journey. In 2 years I lost over 170 lbs just by healthy diet and exercise. I've gained some weight back and am now 150ish, looking to get back down to the low 140's/high 130's which I feel looks and feels best on me..
...but that's not why I'm posting here today. I'm posting because I'm having a really hard time adjusting to my current weight with my current body. I have severe excess skin all over. Arms, legs, stomach, back, boobs...everywhere. There was no part of my body that was spared. I can hide it fairly well in most clothes, but when my clothes come off, that's a different story. I am so so SO grateful I rid my body of the harmful excess fat I was toting around and of course my life is better now than it was years ago. I'd never choose to go back to the way I was. That being said, I hate the sight of my body :-( I'm so embarrassed and feel truly disgusting with the saggy, wrinkly, lumpy skin that just hangs all from my body.
I just turned 29 the other day and I have NEVER had a boyfriend or dated up until I was 27. I met someone unexpectedly on another weight loss website about a year and a half ago and we're still together. It's long distance so I only get to see him about once a month, but it's worth the effort because he's a gem. He's so kind and patient and reassuring to me and tells me every day he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful as is. The thing is, I still have not let him see me naked. He has no idea what my stomach or what my legs fully look liked. We're very..limited in what we do and how we do things (intimately speaking) because of the embarrassment and hatred I have towards my body.
I'm sitting here crying as I type this because I feel so helpless. I'm not getting any better. This is progressively getting harder and harder for me as time goes on. I've gotten to a point of crying when I look through the Victoria's Secret website and feel awkward and uncomfortable when I see other women on tv or in magazines in bikinis or tight workout clothing because I feel so disfigured and deformed and different. I'm so depressed. It's so vain and superficial and after losing as much weight as I have, I feel ridiculous for not being happier with what I've accomplished. It's not that I'm not proud of myself, and it's not that I hate myself for what I put my body through my whole life. But I do hate my body and feel inadequate and ugly.
If anyone is in my position, please tell me, how are you working with what you've got so to speak? I don't know what to do. Everything has gotten harder for me since being in my first relationship. I don't want to share my biggest insecurities with anyone else. I dont want anyone to see how disfigured and gross I look without anything covering me up, especially with someone who I want to stay attracted to me. I have awful self esteem and always have. Things started getting a lot better after I lost weight and I imagined things would continue to feel better. But I actually feel almost as bad about myself as I did when I was 300 lbs. This has to change. I've come too far to beat myself up this way. But I don't know what to do...Some days I just want to lock myself in my room and not be around anyone for a long time..I love my boyfriend and I don't want to lose him but I know this will push him away eventually if I don't get better. He's coming to see me this weekend and there's a huge part of me that doesnt want him here. I miss him like crazy and love his affection, but at the same time I don't want him to touch me or see me because I feel like a monster :-(
If anyone's reading..please help...thanks all