The only men I might show resentment to, is the ones who know me at my current weight and treat me like "whatever" I must admit, I have two guys in mind that I want to call and meet up with when I reach my goal, just to deny them... lol, I'm awful. Perhaps I'll grow out of that though. I know when I was 248 I used to think of how I would turn down all of the men who would want my attention when I got smaller... when I did lose weight... that was the furthest thing from my mind! lol.
I agree with this. People can't help what they are attracted to, but when it's someone who has known you at your heaviest who was indifferent at best (or put you in the "friend zone") who magically gets interested as soon as you shrink down it comes across as...grimy.
Some of you may find the recent internet sex study that came out interesting, which has been now published as A Billion Wicked Thoughts. One of the findings was that in their use of the internet for sex, men seek out overweight and older women.
Here's a link to an article about it (may be NSFW for some people).
yeah i keep hearing that men secretly want to watch the porn with overweight women and/or secretly like overweight women. this may apply to some men but i'm not sure it's a majority. in any case, the men who might otherwise date bigger women sometimes get criticized and made fun of by their buddies. so i guess it depends on how mature the guy is and how much he cares about his buddies' opinions of him.
I agree that her problems could have easily been about her confidence. The advice guy has a point that attraction matters, but he sounded like a jerk by assuming it's solely because of her weight/looks.
When I'm in a really good mood and feeling confident, I notice a huge difference in how guys treat me. My very overweight friend has no problem whatsoever finding plenty boyfriends and she recently got married. She's confident about herself and it pays off. People are really telling the truth when they say confidence comes first. There are guys for every body type, because I know plenty of overweight people who are married.
I think part of the "evaluation" is how overweight? I'm medically overweight now by BMI standards, but as most of the extra is in my chest (34G), attracting men even at my advanced age is not a problem. However my beau admits if he had met me 100 lbs ago, we'd just be friends, he would not have pursued me as a romantic interest. I don't fault him for it and I know if I gained 100 now he would not leave me over it. But dating is a selection process and you're going to screen by traits you find attractive, whether they are physical, emotional, character, etc. Physical's just the easiest to screen by first.
Hi All,
I am really new to this site and this is in fact the first post that I am writing! This topic really hits home. A few years ago, I lost about 50lbs and went from a size 14 to a 4. I had never really had much of a problem meeting men when I was heavier but dropping down to that size (which was hard for me to maintain at 5'6), seemed to open up a new world of dating and men I had never been approached by before.
At a size 4, I met a really attractive man who wanted to take me out. Life happened and the date never took place... until 2 years later. At that point, I regained nearly 25lbs. When he saw me, the look of disappointment in his eyes was not something I could ignore. Needless to say, he didn't ask me out a second time.
It was grossly disappointing to think about the men who liked me at size 4, did not like me at an 8, or 12. I have since begun losing the weight again, as I realized there was something intimidating and scary about being thinner and the attention I received, and that this is an internal issue to tackle, in conjunction with weight loss. I wasn't ready for the attention and re-gained right back up to a size 10. I am currently an 8, pushing for 6 by the end of the month. But this time, I am working more on being comfortable in my own skin so that I allow myself to maintain.
I think this is something we all struggle with when we lose weight. I have even noticed this from friends who notice how much less I eat when we go out to eat. People respond to us differently - friends, family, men, women, the customer service person at the store. I noticed changes everywhere. Some positive, some negative. I read a post once from a woman on the WW boards several years ago who had lost over 100lbs and went to size 4 after being in the 20s. She said she re-gained all the weight back because she realized she had stayed heavy to hide herself. After a couple years of therapy and working through that issue, she lost it all again. It was an inspiring story and to some degree, on a lesser level, I could relate.
yeah i keep hearing that men secretly want to watch the porn with overweight women and/or secretly like overweight women. this may apply to some men but i'm not sure it's a majority. in any case, the men who might otherwise date bigger women sometimes get criticized and made fun of by their buddies. so i guess it depends on how mature the guy is and how much he cares about his buddies' opinions of him.
Exactly, look at trophy wives...they're called that for a reason. They look good to everyone else, and they're a status symbol. They make the man look like a 'winner' to have obtained such an attractive--if generically so--woman. I held out for a man who considered me a trophy based on my smarts and my achievements.
i wouldn't think you looked too big being 5'6" and wearing a 14?? not sure. but i'd say probably 'average' not too big not too skinny, and then when you lost so much it was more like the models on the internet and movies? i do think there is a huge difference in the type of men that you attract when you look as skinny as the models vs. having some meat on your bones. there are men who specifically will only date the model bodies and they don't care what it takes for women to maintain those bodies. so that's who you were mostly attracting at those lower sizes and that's why. some women want that and will do anything to get it and keep it.
now if you had been wearing 18-22 at 5'6", i suspect you would have had more trouble meeting men at those sizes bigger than 14. i am taller than you and can wear some 14s, even a few 12's if it's made right, and i still get rejected or skipped for no reason other than looks in a crowded room.
I guess I didn't feel that thin at that size and weight. Though I look at photos of me back then and realize my mind hadn't caught up with my body because I can't imagine ever being that small again.
Back to the original post "losing weight and resenting the men who find you attractive", I totally have battled this issue in my work environment. Men who would never give me the time of day 60+lbs ago are all sweet and flirty now, makes me sick. Shallow minded jerks.
I've been morbidly obese most of my life, and yet I've had more luck in dating than many of my thinner female friends and relatives. Not in numbers. I did date fewer men, but it wasn't just that fewer men were interested, I was pretty picky. I never dated anyone just because they showed an interest in me. I can't say the same for some of my friends.
I also think it's a lot easier to judge others as judgemental than ourselves, and often when you feel unattractive you reject others before they can reject you.
I wasn't ever what you'd call shy, but I was always careful, too careful to reveal my attraction to a guy until I had felt out his attraction. I didn't want to be seen as "the desperate, fat girl." As a result, I would find out several times that a guy thought I was attractive, but thought I didn't like him "that way." And weirdly it was the least attractive guys whom I was most afraid of showing my feelings to. I really related to something Camryn Manheim said in her book, "Wake Up, I'm Fat."
She said she found it easy to flirt with very attractive guys (guys she thought of as "out of her league") but with guys she thought she actually had a chance with, she couldn't because the rejection from an average guy would hurt more than rejection from a hot guy.
One thing I found interesting was in a college human sexuality class I learned that research found that even though culturally we say we expect men to make the "first move," they rarely actually do. Research found that most men only approach women who seemed to show interest first. So while traditionally and stereotypically we expect men to be the relationship initiators, it's actually women who most often are.
I have to say that my romantic life did pick up after I learned this. I learned to flirt, but I still had the same fears. I didn't want to flirt until I knew I had a chance. Even when I knew guys did the same (SOMEONE has to flirt first), it wasn't always easy to put myself out there. I wanted to flirt, but I didn't want to be seen as the desperate fat girl, so I felt I had to flirt only in subtle ways (with plausible deniability so that if I were rejected, I could pretend that I hadn't actually been flirting, the guy has misinterpreted my friendliness).
I think because I was so outgoing and NOT-subtle, some guys who were or could have been interested in me, had no idea that I was interested in them. Since I did not have a subtle or shy personality, I think they assumed that if I were interested, they would have picked up on it.
I know that sounds like I was in denial as to how few men were actually interested in me, but I've had enough proof of it to know it happened at least a couple times (Once shortly after becoming engaged with hubby, I learned through a mutual friend that a guy I'd been attracted to, HAD liked me me too - he just hadn't picked up on my interest in him. Which was funny, because I thought I was being so obvious about it that I had been embarassed).
My husband isn't not physically an adonis. He's graying, fat, walks with a limp, and is so covered in freckles to the point he's almost solid orange. However, he's also 6'2" with long, beautiful hair and is very charismatic - smart, funny and very outgoing. He has a sort of "biker-viking" vibe going. He practically needs a stick to beat off the women (of all ages, sizes and degrees of attractiveness) and a small segment of the gay male population (but that's a different story).
My thin, pretty sister should have men beating down her door, but she's so shy she sends a "stay away" vibe without realizing it. Also, she doesn't recognize flirting when she sees it. When she was in college, she had a job in the counseling center as a receptionist and one day she was telling me about a guy who kept coming to her desk asking really stupid, pointless questions. She thought the guy was an idiot. I had to point out that he had been flirting with her. She was stunned and didn't believe me. I couldn't believe she was so oblivious.
At any size, attraction is complicated. You can hate and resent that fact, but it doesn't change it.
I think that people who say "guys/girls aren't interested in me because of my _____" (fill in the blank with weight, freckles, glasses, whatever physical imperfection) create a self-fulfilling prophecy. There are plenty of married people who are fat, bald, grey, short... you name it!
Clearly, it isn't only the hot people who are getting in relationships. If you think that, I think you watch too much TV
I totally agree with you kaplods, attraction is complicated. I loved your post, especially the part about "the gay male population". LOL.
I think I have been pretty naive about the whole male/female attraction thing. When I was young men would stare and I could not figure out for the life of me what they were staring at. With experience, knowledge, wisdom and age, I now know why they are staring and what they are most likely thinking. Most of the time it is flattering, but some men can be so over the top obvious, it is embarrassing.
I guess what bothers me the most is that some kind of wall came down as my weight went down, and now men say things to me they never would have said before and a friendly smile is now some kind of a come on. Maybe it is just that I carry myself differently, more confident and that comes off as more approachable. I don't know. But I have found that I HAVE to be less friendly (especially in the corporate environment) so as not to give out the wrong impression, which makes me kind of sad.
I don't care about dating or finding a partner, so not getting asked out by anybody I'd voluntarily spend time with hasn't been too upsetting. However, it has been a bit galling to be ignored, "cut out," or simply denied basic courtesies by boys/men in normal, group-oriented social situations. Meeting people who act like that has its benefits though, 'cause then you know a few key things about them right away.
The treatment that the very attractive German girl who stayed with my family during a short exchange trip received from my male classmates was real enlightening. I've never received so much attention in my life, and it was merely what was reflected off of her. Undoubtedly, some of it was simply because she was new and different, but I guarantee you short, spotty, four-eyed Florian didn't get that sort of treatment. It's amazing how nice people can be if you're tall, thin, and have a pretty face.
Katz has a point, and people you haven't met before and don't know anything about, along with those who've always been decent towards you, should be treated decently in return. Not finding someone attractive isn't a sin, after all. But there's no reason to trust somebody that you know to be a shallow jerk because he (or she) has suddenly decided you're suddenly worth deigning to be pleasant towards. The leopard doesn't change his shorts.
