I have lost a significant amount of weight like so many of you and over the past year have become very comfortable and happy with the way I look -- in clothes. I have not dated in quite some time -- more time than I care to admit. Although, I have started to date over the last few months.
I have found excuse after excuse to stop dating guys in the beginning stages. Although, I like hearing how beautiful they think I am -- and I do like the way I look (and more importantly, the way I feel -- physically fit). Deep down, inside, I fast-forward thinking of later stages in a potential relationship and feel like a fraud -- bait and switch -- for I know something that they don't and that is what I look like without clothing -- if they ONLY knew... I believe that men, when it comes to a point in time where they will see me without clothing will not be attracted to me once they see the "real me" (I could use a tummy tuck and breast lift).
The guys that have asked me out and I have dated in the past few months have, ironically, been very muscular with very fit bodies (no one at my gym as I treat that like dating at the office -- a "no-no." This only creates more feelings of inadequacy and anxiety on my part.
I was just wondering if others have felt this way and how they went about handling it. Has it been your experience that men run in the opposite direction once they see the real you?
I guess it is a body issue problem on my part despite the fact that I feel VERY confident in absolutely every other facet of my life.
No, I think women see every imperfection in their body, while men typically don't. If he loves you with your clothes on, he won't have any problem with loving you with your clothes off. The important thing is to wait until you have a committed relationship before you take your clothes off. You can even discuss some of your fears before you make it into the bedroom, so he can help relieve your fears. Don't worry. The right guy will totally love you, with and without clothes.
Hey, Gymrat. I have the exact same problem as you. You ask, how do I handle it, and I really don't! I do what you do... break it off before it can possibly go anywhere, or more often, just avoid dating in the first place. I'm lonely but I just think that it would take an extremely rare man to get over what I look like, and besides, I would never let it get that far. It's a big problem for me. And I think the only answer is for me to get surgery. I doubt I will meet a man before that who I will end up being intimate with, that's the sad truth of the situation! I hope you are able to find a more constructive way to deal with it... I totally relate...
I agree with BethBeth. Any man who likes you enough with your clothes on to want to see you with your clothes off will be far more forgiving -- and probably oblivious -- of these physical "imperfections" you perceive. I've experienced this myself several times, at several different weights, and it and it never ceases to amaze me how uncritical most men I've become involved with (who have generally been in better shape than me) are of my body.
Please, don't let this body insecurity hold you back from enjoying all these beautiful fit men beating down your door!
GymRat, do you tell the men you date that you've lost a lot of weight? Also, do you want a man who will accept you the way you are or do you really want the tummy tuck and breast lift? I'll bet you can find a man who will like you the way you are, but that doesn't mean you won't be a strictly lights-out kind of gal in the bedroom if you don't like your body.
I don't have the same problem as you but I do have breasts that I am self conscious about--they could use a lift, always were that way... at my high weight or low weight, I haven't been pleased with them. After my last relationship, they kept me from dating for a long time... I couldn't stomach it to get undressed and have someone reject me so I never did for many years. One day I just said **** it and started dating this guy. He saw the breasts and the next day wrote me an email "I had fun yada yada, by the way I love your breasts!" I'm not with him anymore, but I met my current boyfriend shortly after. My bf is amazed to hear I had felt and still do feel self-conscious naked. He told me he finds it so exciting that I don't seem self-conscious naked, because all his ex-girlfriends (who were skinnier and had better bodies than me) were shy lights-out kind of women.
If you date someone you like, maybe you can mention: I lost a lot of weight... and later say: I have some loose skin I'm trying to get used to. I bet you most of the men you date would be THRILLED to see you naked, loose skin or not. But you have to ask yourself what will make you the happiest... someone who likes you for you or a new tucked and lifted body. You should have fun with your new body, either as is or with a little bit taken in.
I don't know I just wasted many years fretting over how I looked and when I finally started dating again, I thought what was I thinking? Why did I treat myself that way? Of course if things had been different, maybe I wouldn't have met my boyfriend, who I am thrilled with. The bigger the risk, the greater the reward!
Seriously, guys are pretty happy when there's a naked girl in the room. Girls are always worrying about stretch marks or their boobs or something, while 99% of guys don't even notice and/or care. If it's particularly bad (like you lost a whole lot of weight and genetics is not on your side) there's always plastic surgery and implants, if it's not overdone it can look good.
You should not have feelings of inadequacy due to muscular guys hitting on you, that's generally considered a good thing.
No offense but for many plastic surgery is way out of reach. My skin is horribly saggy and with every pound lost it gets worse. YES - in a perfect world a man will like you for who you are BUT there are men who will be turned off. I had posted something similiar back in September of 07 and a man actually replied to my post and said that you definately need to explain so a man has an idea of what to expect BEFORE becoming intimate - and I agree. Do NOT rule someone out because they are very fit but definately when it gets to the point that you think intimacy is coming - you should talk about your concerns and hopefully it will save you some awkwardness and possible upset. If he is the right guy for you then he will be fine with it. I am 44 and had a horrible experience with a man my age who I had been best friends with for over 12 years and we had stepped it up to romance - albeit very long distance. But then I dated a 24 year old who thought I was the hottest thing around - so it just depends on the guy.
Hey there. I completely relate and my husband can vouch. I went from 305 to 165 and my husband has been 140 his entire life. We didn't know each other when I was heavy, so he didn't know the changes my body endured. He knew I had the surgery, but with clothing on, I don't look like anything is wrong. I normally sleep with a shirt on. All of my pajamas have buttons at the top, for access purposes and then the shirt hides the rest. I recently got my arms done, which were horrible before. He had no idea what they even looked like until he agreed I could have the surgery. It was a little pricey at the time. Anyways, when he saw, he said, "Oh yeah, I couldn't live with that either, we definitely need to get that removed." I let him know that he wouldn't be seeing my entire body until the other surgeries are finished. Unfortunately, we want children, so I am waiting on my surgeries until after I have my two babies, then all the unwanted skin can be removed.
My point is... I understand how you feel. However, I always try and remember how hot I am and that they obviously agree if they are asking me out... think positively and worst case... wear a shirt! I know I am not much help, but just know many women face this problem.
This is something that I have struggled with since I've met my goal. It's very difficult for me to give advice on it. But the point of this reply is to let you know that if he doesn't like you without your clothes on and can't understand why you look that way, then well....maybe he shouldn't be able to look in the first place. It's very humbling to have to admit your flaws, but in this situation honesty is probably the best policy. Men aren't as big of dogs as we make them out to be (at least not all of them). Explain to the person you are going to be intimate with that it's an issue with you. See how they react to that and go from there...good luck honey!!!
I agree that someone who loves you in clothes should love you without, and that if he doesn't, he's not worth spit.
What lept out of your post with a big, ringing bell (and forgive me if it's my issue I read, not yours) is the thing about someone seeing 'the REAL me'. Is there an inner vulnerability/fear of emotional intimacy there that's not to do with weight loss and how you look?
Fear of Intimacy After Weight Loss
,
