One time I was with a group of "friends" of friends. We were having dinner at a busy place next to the bar...one of the hostess/bartender was a bit snippy...but I could understand..it was busy.
One of the other girls reply was..."She's just *****y cuz she's fat".
Honestly?! Honestly?!
I couldnt believe she said that...now I'm not a person who enjoys confrontation...but my response was, "Really? Cuz I'm a fatter than her..."
Ah, the ackward silence...
It happens quite a bit. People can be mean to heavier people. Its sucks, but I do like a lot of the comments that you guys have left.
Its true they're people in our life that we love no matter what or regardless of their race or size.
Just keep strong are remember that your weight doesn't determine the person you really are.
One time I was with a group of "friends" of friends. We were having dinner at a busy place next to the bar...one of the hostess/bartender was a bit snippy...but I could understand..it was busy.
One of the other girls reply was..."She's just *****y cuz she's fat".
Honestly?! Honestly?!
I couldnt believe she said that...now I'm not a person who enjoys confrontation...but my response was, "Really? Cuz I'm a fatter than her..."
Ah, the ackward silence...
That's perfect. People keep saying these things because no one ever makes them feel like an idiot for doing it.
I'm really late to this discussion, but I would rather one hundred times over that some one said to me "If I can do it, anyone can" than, "Sure, I did it... but you, on the other hand... I'm not sure you could".
Last edited by SkinnyLibby; 11-17-2008 at 10:54 PM.
This is something I think about. I used to be in good shape in my late teens to early 20s. That was also when I was the most social, so most of the friends I made then (largely from college) all knew me at that weight only. Since I've gained the weight back I have become pretty anti-social and have avoided virtually all of those friends which has caused those friendships to die. I still see some of my friends from my childhood who always knew me as fat, in fact when I was in shape that was "weird" to them. When I get back to my weight now I hope to rekindle some of those old friendships but it probably won't happen. People move on, its my fault completely, they all made a lot of effort to see me and hang out, but I just avoided people.
I also now worry that after I lose the weight again and hopefully meet the right girl, how much of an effect will it have on her when she finds out how fat I was before she met me? Maybe I should just let them know early on.
Also, I sympathize with the women here who get treated bad because of their weight. As a guy I never felt it happen to me but I know our culture is much more cruel to overweight women than to overweight men.
I also now worry that after I lose the weight again and hopefully meet the right girl, how much of an effect will it have on her when she finds out how fat I was before she met me? Maybe I should just let them know early on.
THis has been an issue for me also. Since I lost weight and reached my goal, I have met a lovely man who I am very much in love with.
But I was worried about what his reaction would be when he found out I used to be fat, especially seeing as he is very slim and always has been.
After we had been seeing each other a while and I was certain of his feelings for me, I told him, although I didn't tell him HOW big I was, and he hasn't yet seen pics of me at my biggest, although he has seen pics of me at bigger than I am now.
His reaction I would describe as carefully controlled. He didn't say "Oh, it doesnt matter, I'd still love you if you were the size of an elephant," but nor did he say "Oh God - don't ever get fat again!"
I hastened to reassure him that I don't ever intend to get big again, and I go running also so he knows I am getting fit as well.
The right girl won't mind that you used to be fat.
As to the future, I'm torn between thinking, well he should love me whatever, and thinking, well he met this nice slim sexy girl, doesn't he have the right to expect that I stay relatively slim, with a little leeway of course - we all spread as we get older!
I recently told a guy (for the first time ever ever ever in my life) that I "lost a lot of weight" and didn't specify how much. And his reaction was "well, you look great and are very pretty" and went on to add how he had lost "a lot" (again, no specification) of weight as well! And *I* would have never guessed at that either!
So, you never know... that person you dread telling might just have the same "secret" themselves!! Life is funny.
I think the problem with the statement "if I can do it, anyone can" is the word *IT*!!! What is "it" anyway? Who says what IT is?
I think it easier to wrap my brain around this statement: "If she can find her way, then I can find mine." Maybe my way takes more time and patience. Maybe my way has more peaks and valley. Maybe my way is more about health or less about health. Maybe my way is MY idea of perfect and not hers. Whatever. But the point is that everyone can make changes to be healthIER.
It bothers me when people use their own success and current state to judge others who have not found their way yet. It is not TOLERANCE they lack, but PATIENCE. Just my opinion.
On another note... I will never forget the comments made by a group of teens coming out of the gym as I was going into the gym. This was back after I had my daughter and I was trying to work off the baby weight. The comment that hurt so much was, "She needs to get her fat *** in that gym! Hahahahahhaha..." followed by noises they made to mimic what they thought a fat person sounded like working out (blooomp-ba-boomp, etc.). I know they were only teens, but that hurt SO much. I would always walk in that gym so proud of myself for going, and that day I felt 100 pounds heavier than I was.
And I second that you never know what someone is going through at any given moment. I gained 30 pounds since November 2007, when I had to have two surgeries to have two tumors removed from my face. There is something about someone cutting open my face... MY FACE... the one thing everyone says is "so pretty" that really disturbed me for a long, long time. I cannot quite put my finger on what it was, but SOMETHING was there and I ate whatever I wanted for the next year.
Anyway... Enough of my rambling, but one more thing... Does someone need to be going through an extraordinary life event in order to deserve some compassion for the simple fact that they are human and we are human?
Last edited by AppleOnYa76; 01-10-2009 at 11:06 AM.
That's how it is with my best friend Michael. He lost a lot of weight as well, and his new friends have NO idea how fat he was. But I still remember the old Michael. I found a dvd of a play we put on in high school, and he said " NO DONT WATCH IT", but I did and I laughed because it must be good to be able to say I lost over 100 pounds.
Sadly, I am surrounding by many, many fat-phobic people. It makes it really hard to be around even the people that I should be expecting support from. And they have no qualms whatsoever to say to your face "You got too fat, you don't look good."
What's most upsetting is that I hear comments from my own husband that are hurtful. It's like he hasn't noticed that I'm fat ... well, rather, he still thinks of me as a "skinny person who's put on a few pounds temporarily" (umm, 5 years? hello?!!). Anyway, then in his mind are the "real fat people" ... we were watching tv and there was an overweight girl and he said "Boy, fat is ugly". I was so upset, I had to leave the room to cry in the bathroom. Then anytime he meets up with old friends, his first report of all the women is whether they gained or lost weight ... WTF???
He's a great guy in many ways, but his whole family is incredibly fat-phobic (imagine how I feel at their events) and I remember many years ago (I was still slender) at a restaurant his mother talking about how she could hardly eat because there was an obese person sitting nearby and "it grossed" her out. And his sister has talked openly about how "lazy" fat people are and that's why they're fat (she used to say that before I gained the weight --- now she censors herself around me, but I remember).
Geez, no wonder this struggle has been so hard for me - I've got no support and tons of judgment that only makes me feel worse aobut myself (*lightbulb going on over my head*)
I have been called tiny and petite and I don't have to worry about what I eat..! HAH!!! I shared with one person that I used to be over 200 pounds, she can't believe it.
I get this alot, when people (customers in particular at the clothes store i work for) talk about size, weight etc.
I pass comment like 'I know what u mean'...etc
I always get a 'yea, right' or 'you don't need to worry' etc, then I explain I used to be a size 16...
However, in my mid-twenties, I lost around 50 pounds and kept it off for five years. I was a Size 4 -- a 2 on a thin day. I was lean, and yes, by contemporary standards, pretty darn "hot". I got lots of attention from the opposite sex, lots of envious comments from other women, blah, blah, blah. But I was TERRIFIED all the time because I did not think of that person as the REAL me. I felt like I was faking it, and I just KNEW that eventually all those people who had never known me "pleasantly plump" were going to learn the truth and think I was a total poser
That just rings so many bells! I have been fat for 52 of my 53 years but twice in that time I've lost 100+lbs. In my late 20s I got down to 120, in my late 40s I got down to 136. To be honest, 136 looked pretty dmn good!
People who'd known me as I lost weight, I was ok with.
I went on a fantastic overseas holiday, and was more confident than ever before in my life.
but with meeting new people, there was Always this sense of 'ah, but if they knew what I'M REALLY like...'.
I can't say it was that that forced me into regaining 80% of what I'd lost, that was just losing the plot, but all the time I was thinner, I had that uncomfortable feeling that there was a shamefulness at my core that I was cheating people about.
So I wondered - now that you've got where you've got and look fantastic! - has that 'inner Real Me' stopped nagging at you?
I don't consider myself Thin Debbie, I consider myself Debbie, Thinner, and I think there's a world of difference between those two. So whenever I meet someone new I feel like I have to tell them I was 80 lbs heavier and didn't lift a finger in order for them to know the "real me." I found a new awesome Zumba instructor last week and took her again this week (she's a keeper!!), and I've been taking Zumba for 2.5 years at 24 Hour Fitness, so it's not everyday I find someone new and close to home and the perfect mix of hard, awesome, fun, and energetic. It's perfect. She's a keeper =) But just today I was wondering when can I tell her I was heavier and show her Fat Debbie.
*I* have had to stop telling fat jokes (and I was always the punch line) because it seems that people think 5'4" 135.5 lbs is thin :/ I think once fat, there will always be a part of you inside that will always remain fat.
I'm not crazy about this statement, either. I think that most of the people who say it truly mean well and want to "motivate" or "inspire" others to lose weight. The thing is, unless one is being paid to do those things, it's not one's business to try to "motivate" or "inspire" other people to lose weight.
When I've run into this phrase and its variants IRL, it hasn't helped me at all. In my experience, those sorts of comments have almost always been completely unsolicited - I've received them when I was (successfully) actively trying to lose weight, as well as when I wasn't unduly bothered by my weight (a fat person with some self-esteem - how novel!) or was too busy dealing with other issues for weight loss to take precedence. As a result, I found being accosted and subjected to somebody's version of the Weight Loss Gospel condescending and arrogant. On the rare occasions when such statements might have been considered solicited, I wasn't looking to be "inspired". I was looking for knowledge and skills. Things that I could actually use to lose weight. Yeah, it's nice to read or hear about somebody who's lost 100 lbs. and kept it off, but it's not a useful answer to questions about how to cook a veggie dish or get a good workout. I may just be jaded and cynical, but being subjected to stories that are intended to provoke a specific emotional reaction (i.e., manipulation) leaves me really cold and tends to decrease my respect for the people who pull that sort of thing.
Another reason that I dislike the phrase is that it's not accurate. "If I can lose weight, anyone can lose weight." It may be true that anyone can lose weight (under the right circumstances), but if that's the case why bring oneself into it at all? What makes one particular person suited to be an "inspiration" to people whose lives and problems may be very different from his/hers? There are obese people who theoretically could lose their excess weight but don't do so (for any number of reasons), and die of obesity-related illnesses. Since people who actively choose to become and remain obese are pretty thin on the ground, it seems reasonable to me to assume that most of the people who've died of obesity-related illnesses would have lost the weight and kept it off if they could have. For them, whatever biological, physical, or mental blocks were in their way kept them from successfully losing weight and they died. It would seem that, from a practical perspective, some people can't lose weight. Losing weight wasn't a realistic possibility for me until I got treatment for a problem I didn't know I had, and hearing other people run on about how anybody can do if they just eat right, exercise, and have some willpower/determination/whatever didn't change that. I couldn't manage that when I was consumed with some serious mental health issues that made it difficult just to maintain a semblance of normal functioning, and I didn't appreciate the implied message that I needed to make an effort to lose weight when I was making what I perceived as herculean efforts just to stay alive and in school/employed.
Yup..been there, heard that..
