Credit for a day 95% OP. I jumped off the wagon for a split second with a half of small bag of some chemically manufactured stuff. I did eat it sitting down though and I think that reminded me that I didn't need to eat it at all so I threw it away. It also inspired to keep with my plan to go to the gym - a first for the week. I bought an embarassingly cheesy mystery for my kindle , hopped on the treadmill for 45 minutes, and did the free weight series which is helping my PT so much. So maybe the near plunge off plan was supposed to get me to the gym.
So this is a weird one but I have decided to name my mental illness. I am still in the denial phase that the reason I do and think in specific patterns is a direct result of the hypomania/BPII. When I start to loop into "not enough" or worry or anger, I will say to myself "That is my (fill in the blank)" I do not have to act on it. I can be gentle with myself. So when the Principal came in to observe and I started looping that I was a terrible teacher sitting at my desk I don't have to take the bait. I am an excellent teacher. The students were on their chromebooks laughing and giggling about the partner stories they were writing. The principal loved it. I can use self talk to say "Don't worry, that is just the . . . Mood? Illness (bleh)? Maniac (Flashdance movie theme in the background)? Biology? I'll have to think about it.
Also some conflict when a girl in my writing class was supposed to share 200 words of her story to the class but began reading a multipage gothic torture scene. I finally ended it after several attempts to manage it. I told her it is difficult for me to listen to certain things even with the fine writing and others might feel the same way in the class. Of course five or six other kids jumped to her defense saying they loved it and were going to write like that. I capped it by saying, "That is terrific, we will make small writer's workshop groups together with people of the same tastes. That way everyone will be comfortable." Still I felt the afterburn of setting boundaries. Oh Well. That's just my (fill in the blank.)
Wave to all. It is walking day. Weight four pounds from ticker.
Not weird at all. I have been doing it for years with my OCD. Ill have a crazy thought but reason it out with its my OCD . It takes the power away from the thought immediately when I recognize it for what it is. Great job Maryann. Its all about finding a way that works for you. Kudos for your willingness and self awareness
Just a quick check in - longer note in the morning when my time is longer. DH has to work for a few hours and I'll enjoy some time to journal and post before getting to the cleaning. Healthy breakfast and lunch and, well, dinner was healthy but just tids and bits, but all were small portions of healthy items - different hummus types, thin turkey slices, spicy mustard, nuts, olives, etc. DH deemed it "not bad". My hackles may have risen. Last night I told him how my brother was so appreciative of his wife doing all the marketing and meals as well as her job now that he can't drive and pick things up... nor stand for a long time chopping like he used to do to help in meal prep. SO my DH said if something happens to me, would you do all that for me? I looked at him, and I said I DO THAT NOW. I have to say, that cut me to the quick. He wasn't kidding, either. Oh well, we see what we want to see. I've added too much sugar today in a couple of chocolate bites. Well, in review, it was 75 cal and 25 cal so I guess that's not off the chart.
I'm glad we've reached Saturday and I don't have to go anywhere. I've felt so tired this week. Stress, I'm sure, as I wrote in my last post but also I think my body's been fighting off a cold and various other bits and pieces. I really hope I get some more energy soon.
Precision Nutrition is going well. I like the way they focus on very small changes and habits which will build up nicely over the year. It's interesting to see some of the things they share with or have lifted from Beck. There's been some mention of the (can't quite remember how they phrase it) muscle, the one Beck calls the giving-in or something else muscle.
Plans for the day? I'm really not sure. I think I'll just potter around and see how far I get.
nationalparker, cleaning can always wait.
FitMommaCat, nice to meet you! Thanks for calling in and do pop in again. We love new people here.
maryann, splendid work by you yesterday! I'm so impressed. Naming your mental illness sounds as though it could be very helpful. And setting boundaries with the students is essential, and I bet they appreciated it.
gardenerjoy, welcome back willingness!
Bill, credit for leaving half a bowl of chips.
beth, I do like the sound of doing what you needed to do when away from home. I find it a challenge and it's always good to have managed it!
curlyjax, thinking about you all, whether you pop in here or not. Also hoping that if anyone brings you food it's something different from that pasta and parmigiano dish you mentioned a while ago. You can have too much of a good thing.
Diet Coaches/Buddies Part of the evening's plan was the walk to the subway after dark. By the convolutions of life that happen, our DS, nearly 40, who was joining us for the play, stopped by for dinner. What was available was . . . DW's leftover Mexican food - just enough to make him a healthy dinner. She sat smiling like a happy mother while her precious grilled chicken and veggies went down his hatch. The funny part of this was that it was a major change for us when both kids left home and leftovers, especially pizza, suddenly became available the next day. We had grown to assume that pizza just evaporated in the fridge overnight. We began to laugh about it - a new source of food! So, many years later, it's happening again, LOL.
The play was Proof, the drama of a young woman who may have inherited her father's mathematical genius, but also his crazies. The theater only held an audience of two hundred. We were right in the face of the actors - super intimate. A special evening since it's not that often that we have the company of one of our kids alone.
Joy (gardenerjoy) Planning for an optional snack sounds reasonable.
silverbirch Neat that Precision Nutrition has a giving-in muscle and a resistance muscle. It's like conservation of anatomy. Be wary of that cold; the flu this year disguises itself as a cold and then hits hard.
maryann - Kudos for tossing "half of small bag of some chemically manufactured stuff" - you certainly make it sound disgusting.
nationalparker Ouch for male foot-in-mouth disease. Kudos for keeping your cool.
FitMommaCat - Such a powerful weapon: "It takes the power away from the thought immediately when I recognize it for what it is." Kudos for seeing that. Glad you dropped by; hope you come again. As Silverbirch said, we like new folks.
Readers -
Quote:
day 4Give Yourself Credit
what are you thinking? Are you having any sabotaging thoughts about giving yourself credit? Here are some typical ones, along with helpful responses. Create Response Cards for any you think apply to you.. . .
Sabotaging Thought: I don't deserve credit until I've lost all the weight that I want to lose. Helpful Response: It's counterproductive to wait. I need to strengthen the part of my mind that believes I can follow the program. I'm only human and might stray from my plan from time to time. When this happens, a sense of helplessness might kick in. Continually building my confidence by giving myself credit can protect me from feeling helpless and hopeless and from throwing in the towel. And, actually, the process of losing weight is the hardest part. Once I've learned the skills I need, maintaining my weight will be easier. So I deserve lots of credit now, while I'm working the hardest.
Judith S. Beck, Ph.D., The Beck Diet Solution (Pink book), Pg 77.
Yesterday went reasonably well although I struggled in the evening with a desire to eat more. That's more usual for me at lunch.
Three events today -- back-to-back-to-back. I never do that to myself but these all feel too important to miss. The first one is stressful -- being part of a show of unity for the newly hired school superintendent at a meet-and-greet. The community thought we were going to get someone with equity experience. Instead, they hired someone with good communication skills. So, we'll have to communicate our concerns about equity at our first opportunity to meet him and hope it makes an impression. The other two events are much easier.
The good news is that sticking to my plan should be relatively easy. Exercise seems to be unusually challenging for me right now. I'll see if I can get in a more respectable number of minutes today.
Weigh-in: NA kg, Exercise: +10, 800/1200 minutes for January
maryann: When you were talking about naming your mental illness, my mind didn't go to "Mood? Illness (bleh)? Maniac?" It went to "Betty." That's just Betty acting up. Made me laugh. I don't know if that kind of name would help you.
FitMommaCat: Hello!
nationalparker: I hope you're getting off to the slow and quiet Saturday that you planned.
silverbirch: I'm currently feeling jealous of your unplanned Saturday. I hope it's great and restful for you.
BillBlueEyes: What a great night of theater and family.
Last edited by gardenerjoy; 01-27-2018 at 09:38 AM.
Thanks for all the feedback on my continuing dance with this mental illness. Thanks especially to FitMammaCat for walking the same path with grace and dignity. I hope to do that as well. And gardenerjoy: Funny you said "Betty" because the moment I read that I instantly knew the name was "Martha." There is a story in the new testament about two sisters, Martha and Mary, who hosted Jesus. Mary sat at Jesus' feet and was completely present in the moment and at peace in the presence of a beautiful life experience. Martha was running around barking at the servants, doing the dishes, no doubt worrying about her retirement or the cost of donkey milk. Then Martha comes up to Christ and complains that Mary isn't helping her. Jesus says ( and I paraphrase) "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed." Boy, does that describe hypomania/BPII. So "Martha" it is. Especially appropriate since my given name is Mary. I was meant to be just one thing - at peace in the moment.
I am noticing a unhelpful habit of blowing a perfect day OP day while I cook dinner. I have been addictively adjusting the plan just before or just after the meal with a sudden craving for carbs. This is characteristic of the meds but I have to take responsibility of the pattern. I will brainstorm three things I can do between 4- 7 to finish out the day on plan during the week.
BBE: Love to here how sons grow up and still come around. I am counting on it. silverbirch: I'll have to look into Precision Nutrition. I love to learn new takes on old habits. nationalparker: Boy can I relate to that communication with DH. I know what I want to hear is "I really appreciate how you make this house a home." DH comes from the line of thinking "I told you I appreciated you last year. I'll let you know if anything changes."
Happy Saturday! The first five-day workweek for me so far this year ... boy did it seem long. But productive. I was thankful that I got weeknight cooking done on the weekend. What I forgot to do was prep turkey meatballs and my package went bad. I feel so guilty about turkeys dying for 1) me to eat them and 2) for me to waste that meat. Plus the wasted money. I vow to not do that again this year. If lacking in time, in the freezer it goes.
DH dawdled getting out to work today - finally left at 11 a.m. He said he'll just be a short while, so we'll see. I've been tackling things that were set aside the night we went to the dinner theatre and again last night. I felt like I was itching for a little alone time, and then immediately felt guilty. I know CurlyJax must be thinking, "how selfish and ungrateful you are". Laundry is moving along, as is the kitchen cleaning. A rainy day here - but at least no ice!
Bill - LOL at your DW enjoying your DS's savoring the home-cooked meal even leftover! I remember saying to my folks when they'd try to send me home with a lot of stuff - this is why the house always seems so empty when I leave - you're sending me home with half of it!
Maryann - Good luck to you and handing Martha! I like that method - I'd been thinking of more romantic ones (Francesca, etc.). Yours has good thought/reason. Thanks for making me not feel so alone with wanting my work at home to be oh, i don't know - validated? Does that lessen my self-worth if I want external recognition? I know I'm doing it and it's a value to me, but I don't want to be doing it all alone while DH watches TV if we're both working outside the home and gone all day.
Joy - Good luck with your three events today! With the rain here, I'm aiming to get on the exercise bike. I'll join you in activity. I like your monthly goal idea. I used to do it and then got away for years. Methinks (to use a Bill line) it was when I was at goal for years that it was working. Shocker.
Silverbirch - Wishing you a weekend of recuperation and relaxing mind time. You're facing stress on so many fronts. Hope you continue to stave off that cold.
CurlyJax - Thinking of you and your family daily and hoping your path is supported in ways you need. Also hope you're able to get some sleep. When a former boyfriend was killed, I was on benadryl for months at night so I could sleep, on dr. recommendation.
Beth - Enjoy the weekend! How are all the plans going for your new home? Will you be retiring in that home down the line? I wish I was good at home improvement projects on my own and could bring more to our partner projects. One item on my dream list is to built a deck, screen it in and tear out a large window into french doors leading onto it. DH said we could do that, then later said he thought it'd be more of an upgrade than we'd get out of it when we resell ...I just want it for US! But ... a lot of sweat equity on that for us. Plus I want to save up for it in advance. We'll see... it might just be in my dreams
Maryann - I'm trying to log into MFP for the past five days... I've had it work for me about four times out of maybe 25 tries morning noon and night... (inputting whole recipe and it doesn't save it, repeatedly, just trying to add in a food, exercise, etc.) ... do you have any tips - certain browser work better for you? I am going to revert back to just a small notebook I think. I like the recipe builder, but can do the same googling and noting it on paper and then I'm not losing it. Any suggestions are appreciated!
Thanks for the welcome. I must confess I am a longtime lurker. I like Silverbirch, feel Beck rubs me the wrong way. I do believe in the concepts just wish it was easier to listen.
Its time for me to get serious. I had gastric bypass in 2011 and lost 120 lbs and have gained 30ish back. I also had a body lift in 2016 that removed 10lbs of skin. I am turning 50 in November which is even more significant to me because I lost both my parents in their 50s due to complications of obesity.
So here I am...back to basics and will be back to post often.
I had to force myself to have my 5th product today--the evening got away from and I turned off my 'eat now' alarm. However, I'm not supposed to skip any, given that this is a VLCD, so I did what I was supposed to. Credit for that!
More credits--weighed this morning (slightly up), checked sugar (no change), ate everything sitting down. My planning is easy, since it's a matter of setting my alarm to eat shake/bar/soup every 3 hours :-).
I'm still working on identifying and classifying the 'mental hungers'. Everyone says you can't stop eating when you're dieting. This meal replacement plan does feel like I've stopped eating so I can really focus on recognizing the non-hunger triggers to eat. I haven't made an appointment with a behavioral therapist yet, but I'm going to--I think it could be really helpful to take advantage of this time to really understand--and hopefully change--how I interact with eating.
We got drawings from our architect yesterday and met with one of the candidate builders this morning (4 hour meeting!). It was really valuable, though. We're only working with two possible builders--I'm not looking forward to telling one that we've decided to work with the other, when that time comes. They're both great--but we can't build two houses!
Fitmommacat: Welcome! The thing about Beck that bothers me, really, is the idea that I'll "feel bad" if I eat something that's off-plan or derails my dieting. I don't "feel bad"--I don't like the consequences of eating off-plan, but I don't feel bad or guilty. Those just aren't feelings that I have very often. (I'm not a sociopath, honest--I just try really hard not to be mean or hurtful--since those behaviors would make me feel bad or guilty.)
I'm a big believer in "take what you need, leave the rest"--so I use a lot of the Beck approach, including the response cards, because those do help me. On the other hand, none of them say I'll feel bad or guilty--because I won't--not over a piece of cake or a bag of chips.
It his helpful for me to learn words and thoughts to "think back" at the "I'm hungry" and "I want that" and "I don't want to think about it" and "I don't care--I'm going to eat that".
No, I won't feel "bad". But if I eat that, I won't be happy with the scale consequences and I won't be happy with my blood sugar results, and I would be starting down a slippery slope--so those are the things on my response cards.
I spent most of yesterday lying around and went to bed early. Going to bed early is the plan for the rest of the week. Food was so-so. I must relearn that crumble does not agree with me. I have known this for years but recently I seem to have forgotten. It's the sugar hit that hurts my tummy and gives me indigestion. What is the point in eating it? (Rhetorical question.)
Today I will get ready for the week to come and also do a few flexibility exercises.
Beth, how long will you be on the VLCD? I don't "feel bad or guilty" about food either. In fact, guilt doesn't really figure in my life. I've no idea what this says about me! "Take what you need, leave the rest" is a good approach.
FitMommaCat, it's lovely to meet a lurker! It will be good for us to get back to basics with you (or at least look at them and see how they fit or work for us).
nationalparker, although I've tried lots of ways, I've never cracked how to make a reliable and usable list of recipes I use. I have the same difficulty with tracking weight loss and exercise. The best method for the latter used to be a notebook but even that fell by the wayside. Perhaps I should get back to it. And start up a new one for recipes.
maryann, wonderful thinking by you about "Martha" and being at peace in the moment.
gardenerjoy, crumbs, three meetings back-to-back! I'd have to exercise after all that to disperse the adrenaline.
Bill, how lovely to be with DS alone. You've mentioned this before and it really struck home. Hope your DW managed to scrape something together for her to eat!
Sunday - Flerovium (Fl, atomic number 114) announced (1999, Dubna, Russia)
Diet Coaches/Buddies – As an attempt to get past the two depressing movies we've recently seen, DW brought home Moonlight. Powerful movie it was, indeed, but hardly uplifting. Methinks we have to go back to Rodgers and Hammerstein or something like that. Maybe Cinderella, LOL. This reality business isn't for entertainment - it's right out my door.
Walk, CREDIT moi, through Mount Auburn Cemetery for the exercise and to see what winter birds were lurking. We got to witness a seven-foot diameter Norway Maple tree being cut to ground level. Norway Maples are invasive and prevent anything else from growing. Places that have enough money can cut them out to plant native trees that support native birds and wildlife. It was one BIG tree. Open water was frozen over despite thermometers declaring temps of 40+ Fahrenheit. I tried to pretend that it was warm, but the full winter garb is what kept me warm.
Joy (gardenerjoy) – "Back-to-back-to-back" without a proper mind-freeing break is a heavy load.
silverbirch – Yes, "What is the point in eating it?" when we've already discovered that it doesn't work. Hope you publish an answer to that.
maryann - Have never felt that Martha got a fair shake in that story. Especially since the clucking happened after all the work had been done and all the guests having benefited. But when I was a lad, my interpretations weren't appreciated, LOL.
nationalparker – Yep, enough alone time is necessary for the brain to function.
curlyjax - Keeping you and your two teens in my thoughts.
Beth (bethturnaround) – Kudos for sticking to your plan even when eating the fifth item felt unnecessary. Seems like a really smart idea: "classifying the 'mental hungers'."
FitMommaCat - "Back to basics" is what we all need from time to time. I've found that picking that of Beck that speaks to me works. Glad that you've joined us.
Readers -
Quote:
day 4Give Yourself Credit
Once I build my confidence by giving
myself credit, dieting will be easier.
Judith S. Beck, Ph.D., The Beck Diet Solution (Pink book), Pg 77.
Last edited by BillBlueEyes; 01-29-2018 at 06:35 AM.
Reason: Typo
It’s been great to have the time to have my coffee in bed and take my time waking up. I’m going back to work tomorrow and will miss it. But I think it will be healthy for me to be somewhere else physically for awhile.
I have creepy stuff to do this week, like obtain death certificates and sign for my husbands ashes that are being mailed to me. Not sure where I will put them for now.
Yesterday I bought a dress to wear to the memorial service that brought home how much weight I have put on, yeesh. But at least its comfortable and non clingy.
Little by little I am attending to financial details etc. We have never been very organized with our paperwork but now it is time. And I have to finally put all this stuff online to keep better track, which means thinking of good passwords etc. ugh I hate that stuff.
Bill- i’m sorry you lost your dad at such a young age. You said very eloquently what we experienced with well wishes. I have fond memories of Mt Auburn cemetery, looking up famous people buried there. Nationalparker-its natural to want appreciation from husbands, you are not ungrateful. I got irritated at DH even when he was sick, none of us are saints.
In my first event yesterday, I discovered that another friend had the same plan of back-to-back-to-back events that I did. So, I got her to ride with me and that made the whole day much more fun!
I took a fall when I got home, missed a small step off the deck when I was going out to greet DH in the yard. I'm pleased that I didn't twist my ankles and that I rolled to distribute the impact. It was all too fast to make conscious movements so I'm glad that my body has some good instincts -- mostly developed from hiking when I was younger, I think. Today, I'm feeling a bit stiff, though. That could easily turn into an excuse to eat, so I'll make a generous plan and then stick to that.
Weigh-in: NA kg, Exercise: +30, 830/1200 minutes for January
maryann: Martha is a great name. I always loved that story -- wishing that I was more like Mary while feeling fairly certain that I'm more like Martha.
nationalparker: Most months the monthly exercise goal really helps me. I'm so far behind this month, that it's not being so helpful, right now, but we're nearly to February, so I'll get that back on track soon.
FitMommaCat: Glad to have you out in the open. Working Beck through this group rather than the book is perfectly acceptable method in my opinion.
bethturnaround: It will be interesting to see what the behavioral therapist has to say that will be helpful at this stage of things.
silverbirch: I'm getting to bed earlier these days, too. I went for months where seven hours of sleep seemed enough, but now my body seems to want eight or nine. Winter, I guess.
BillBlueEyes: We recently re-watch My Fair Lady. The story doesn't hold up particularly well, but we were singing the songs for two weeks. Have you seen The Big Sick? I was really hesitant, reading the description, but it was remarkably fun to watch.
curlyjax: Good for you for enjoying one last slow morning. There are so many practical chores around death that we don't know about until we experience it. As if there isn't enough going on, it's a time when we are showered with paperwork.
Last night I told him how my brother was so appreciative of his wife doing all the marketing and meals as well as her job now that he can't drive and pick things up... nor stand for a long time chopping like he used to do to help in meal prep. SO my DH said if something happens to me, would you do all that for me? I looked at him, and I said I DO THAT NOW. I have to say, that cut me to the quick. He wasn't kidding, either. Oh well, we see what we want to see. I've added too much sugar today in a couple of chocolate bites. Well, in review, it was 75 cal and 25 cal so I guess that's not off the chart.
Saturday - Dante is exiled from Florence (1302)
