Brief check in to stay on track while here. Dad is slowly advancing but has had a few lucid conversations. Very thankful that hospice is here around the clock to assist us with his care - he's set up in the dining room and we've been sitting with him and alternately reminiscing to him and just sitting in companionable silence.
Food has been okay today - split a lunch into lunch and dinner. But snacked here that I didn't have at home - a half cup of ice cream, two caramel wafers, stuff that I just am eating because it's here. Believe I'm still okay calorie-wise.
Thank you for the mental support. i appreciate the warm thoughts and am hoping for a peaceful passing for him.
Yeah, I did what almost everyone who disappears does--gained weight back. But I'm back on track and will be re-appearing.
Things are pretty crazy for me right now--but the difference between 197 and 177 is pretty obvious to me in how I look and how I feel.
I may be giving up sweets permanently--I'm mulling that over and every time I do this, that option becomes more achievable.
I've got to start re-reading Beck. I'm on day 3 of making good choices and recording everything in MFP. No exercise this week, but my trainer is on vacation--I have been keeping up with that when I've been in town and healthy.
Best to all--looking forward to catching up with those I know and meeting those who joined while I was MIA.
Diet Coaches/Buddies – Did gym, CREDIT moi, then walked home in the rain getting wet. Was fun, knowing that I planned to shower and change anyway. The weight rack has weights of 7.5, 12.5, and 17.5 pounds as well as the multiples of 5. Seems smart since upgrading from 5 to 10 pounds in one step is huge while going from 45 to 50 pounds is manageable.
Food was OKish - I worked at making portions at dinner reasonable, CREDIT moi, which was important since leftover rotisserie chicken traditionally calls for gluttony. I picked lettuce and a ten inch cuke from our community garden. Six inch cukes are about best, but I'd have to check daily to avoid their sudden growth spurts. (Reminds me of DS as a teen, LOL.)
onebyone – Thanks for the description of your first TOPS meeting. Kudos for recognizing, "They don't have to be my everything."
Joy (gardenerjoy) – It encourages me that you're winning your challenges with snacking.
Debbie (Lexxiss) – Kudos for responding "to the duties of the moment" - what a neat phrase.
FutureFitChick – LOL at "OP, in spite of there being no food in the house." Amazing day to you, also.
nationalparker – Thinking of you sitting with your dad.
Beth (bethFromDayton) – Seems like a useful option, "I may be giving up sweets permanently--I'm mulling that over and every time I do this, that option becomes more achievable." Good luck thinking that one through. I thought of you a couple of weeks ago when we were touring Boston with Texas friends after their week at "Brilliance in Beantown" - do you attend the annual gatherings?
Tricia (AZtricia) - Ouch for mosquitoes; Yay for "Super Greens" from Costco - whatever they might be. [I chose the Maytag 4949 dishwasher; Consumer Reports rated the Bosch higher, but our Maytag history is so good over decades that I'm sticking with it. DW also values their built in food chopper that eliminates the need to clean a filter.]
ChoosingHappy - Thanks for the terrific summary of all of Beck, "Those self hatred thoughts, and then I deserve it thoughts, along with using food as a coping mechanism are all too familiar, and aren't working for me either." Yep, this is a good place to wrestle with Sabotaging Thoughts.
Readers -
Quote:
day 19Stop Fooling Yourself
measuring up . . . How will you know when you're ready to stop measuring? Serve yourself food and then measure it before you eat. If you're quite close, you're probably ready to stop measuring those foods. It's a good idea to measure your food periodically, though, to make sure you're still estimating portion sizes accurately.
Judith S. Beck, Ph.D., The Beck Diet Solution (Pink book), pg 163.
Yesterday was OP, and restaurant exercise was phenomenal. I do love summers at work. I noticed that the BB muffins are still there, and would have probably pitched them but was too busy to care.
Later today I will head over to DH and raspberries. He is getting lonely and I would imagine he will be ready to come back over, even for a few days. I'll wait until after I meet the asphalt guys to patch my sewer/water tear in the road which the neighbors have been griping about. I considered procrastinating talking to these guys I had watched across the street as I worked yesterday but stepped out and "just did it". They will do it for $275 VS the $1200 my excavating guy had told me. I am unbelievably happy about this and Credit Moi for stepping out of my comfort zone to approach a crew of men to ask when my old self would have found it much easier to just go home.
BBE, ok I did google YellowPigDay. I never know just what I'm going to learn when I come here. BTW I got to quiz my boiler man, because my "fear" has been that the labyrinth of pipes going to and from my ancient radiators are deteriorating each day, and will at some point, start leaking, or worse completely fail. He explained all the piping is cast iron, not galvanized, and that they do not fail like the galv. Wow, that has been such a relief for me to find out. I can cross that worry off my "old house" list.
Kudos, again for getting to the gym, and keeping an eye on those cukes!
nationalparker, thinking of you today!
Beth(fromDayton), I really glad that you have come back. I have thought of you often in your absence. BTW-my joining 3FC in 2009 was after a 20# gain which spiraled the winter of 08/09. I have posted at 3FC almost every day since, and have definitely found that refusing to give up on the posting, even when struggling, has kept me under a 10# gain. I look forward to reconnecting!
FutureFitChick, yay for OP and spontaneous exercise!
gardenerjoy, yay for slightly better with snacking! Every bit of progress helps!
onebyone, thanks for your detailed report of the TOPS meeting and kudos for taking that first step. Now I just re-read the pledge and thought I'd rewrite the last part for me:
"Even though I over-eat in private, my excess poundage is there for me to lug around with me to every worldly place I go."
(I do acknowledge, however, that I have had many uncomfortable feelings associated with my weight in "worldly" places, especially in Alaska where everyone I associated with (especially family), in our small town watched me gain 120# over the course of 8-9 years)
I do remember, as with AA, that the people in the room didn't write that stuff and that there's a certain "ritual" to all the different self help meetings and that the saying in many 12 step rooms is "Take what you need and leave the rest."
Aztricia, yay for back to ticker after your trip! That's a super big step of progress! You just start back right where you left off!
ChoosingHappy, Beck skills have definitely helped me overcome the continual yo yo-ing. Yep, 12 pounds a week is not realistic or healthy (not even possible at a weight of 188, in my opinion) Aligning your brain/thoughts with the reality of healthy weightloss is such a tool for long term success.
Snacking matched precisely with my written plan yesterday. Credit! Aiming to do that again today.
WI: -0.2 in kg, Exercise: +45 720/1400 minutes for July, Food: 100% op, Read my Advantages and Responses: yes
nationalparker: continuing to send supportive thoughts your way. So glad that you feel comfortable to come here and share with us.
bethFromDayton: yay! Lovely to see your face here.
BillBlueEyes: My lettuce bolted a couple of weeks ago. So, does your garden yield lettuce and tomatoes at the same time? I think to get that to happen here, I'd have to put an ice bath around the lettuce.
This is day 4 of eating on plan and tracking (and actually following through with good choices) everything in MFP. If anything, I'm eating too little, but it might be what I need starting over.
We had a frozen stir fry dinner tonight. While it was cooking, I made two salads and two fruit bowls. "1 cup" didn't sound like much of a serving size, but after I put it on the plate, it looked bigger than I thought it would. And between the veggie salad, fruit salad, and pasta stir fry, I am full.
The issue of giving up sweets altogether is bouncing in my head. For now, I'm telling myself that I won't have any sweets for the rest of the month. No sweets. I don't do "small amounts" well. For some people, moderation works well. For me and sweets, it just doesn't. I think that part of my overeating problem was just wanting sweets--and more sweets--and it just kept getting to be more and more. For quite a while, I managed to just have one treat here and there. I didn't maintain that, though.
BillBE--wonder if I know your Texas friends :-). Yes, we were at Brilliance in Beantown. We haven't missed an Annual Gathering (AG) since 2006.
nationalparker: I am so sorry for all you are going through.
Pretty good day to day. I was OP. I find that I have to remind myself that I can eat, I don't have to be hungry, and still be OP. That's been true since I started six months ago. I don't know why it's not a natural thought anymore. Exercised yesterday and I am sore. I'm looking forward to my next run. For accountability, I was a smidgen under 160 last Friday. My next weekly weigh-in is tomorrow. I will report here.
Beth -- it really works for me to limit sweets to weekends only. No swaps allowed ever (ie, I will eat this on Friday and skip a sweet on Sat. ); no! So the question of should I eat this answers itself. Is it sat or sun? Go ahead! M-F? Eh. Have to wait.
Hello, all! My dad is still about the same as he was last night - hospice folks say the military people hold out the longest and he's proving them correct. They've estimated two days still ... I feel I should be looking at him all the time because my time is limited to see him. But then I realize that's just odd.
Food = okay today. Lunch was part of a turkey sub and dinner was 1/3 of a thai meal - so while not heavy on nutritious ingredients, I have gone toooo far over. Snacks were cashews. Just a couple of quick lines, but hellos to all.
Beth - so glad you're back among everyone here!
Flunu - I like your suggestion of sweets only on certain days especially the "no swaps" line. Like you read my mind of what I'd try.
Bill - I, too, am a rain walker (if I know I can shower and warm up and there's no lightning) ... so a picky rain walker, I guess.
Just plain tired tonight. I discovered that I am still sick today with this cold. I went out for the first time since my sister left last Saturday and I got all sweaty and stuff. It was surprising. I was supposed to do some barrel firing with the potters' tomorrow but there's no way. I'm spent.
I got the TOPS guides in the mail with my membership. The book is current-2012 and very simple and easy to follow and informative. I have exchange cards and a wallet for them. I like it! Way more progressive than how the group felt. Their exchange plan will be my back-up foodplan. For now I am sticking to low carb (30-60 carbs a day) no breads, sugars, rice, potatoes and flour. Will have yummy fruit 1x a day.
Foodwise I am now well stocked up with good for me food and plan on cleaning out the freezer tomorrow of questionable and plain too old foods in there. Out out out. I do not want you. And to reinforce this, MIL called this evening to alert me to a Nature of Things show on dementia and alzheimer's and I was reminded of one of the current theories that the plaques in the alzheimer's brain that mess up the wiring have been called Diabetes 3 in some circles. Apparently it may be insulin related in that the brain, like other organs who can't deal with insulin, also cannot get it and so the plaques build up and they showed a promising new treatment of an insulin inhaler which has shown some cognitive improvement in patients. The researcher was particularly interested in nitroids( I think that's what they were called) basically preservatives in processed foods -I think nitrates but it's a bit more than that-and when she fed her rats a diet just of these substances she saw the damaging effects on their brains. So, again, we come back to our food and eating clean. Just theories but it may be enough to have me do some research and re-think what I am eating since I am doing that anyway.
Weight continues to drop as I re-start this first week. Always the nice boost at the beginning. So I am grateful for that. Today I had to remind myself that hunger is not an emergency plenty of times. I really really went too long between meals but my day got really messed up as I had unexpected things to get done now rather than later. On the plus side I did work on my artwork of my brother and it's almost almost there. I left it at the studio so I don't fiddle with it and go past the point of no return with it. Time to move onto artwork no. 3 tomorrow. Cannot believe I am getting ready for a show in August. Time is flying.
Oh and I picked up a schedule for the water fitness classes. Looks like I could go 6 days a week if I wanted. Awesome! I made myself a deal I am not allowed to sign up until I cancel the gym. I'll look into the details of that tomorrow. The newest community center with the best looking pool has classes so I am excited to go there.
Oh and another success: DH finally offered up some real info for the accountant. It's not written down yet but his attitude has come around. My next move was to call the whole thing off and toss the ball into his court. Glad we're moving forward together on this finally.
nationalparker I am glad you are there for your dad and for you. Thank goodness for hospice care. It frees you to do what is most important at this time. I understand the urge to capture every single moment. I often feel that way with my mom as I never know if when I meet her again if she will be "the same". Take good care.
flnu Thanks for the reminder that I don't have to be hungry and can be OP as well. I lost that thought today. Kudos for being OP.
bethFromDayton I never trust that a true serving size is enough for me. I do have the disease of More. Sweets are difficult. Inevitably they crowd out other choices until all I really want are the sweet things. There are times I have had control and times I have had no real desire for them, but my desire for them has always returned and taken over my eating and my head. For now I am not having any. Now being today. Do you know this saying adapted by Overeaters Anonymous from AA? A single bite is too many and a thousand not enough.
gardenerjoy Excellent job following your plan today. Credit.
Lexxiss Credit for simply asking those guys about the asphalt. Credit for taking the risk. Awesome. I totally understand how you felt and how the old you would have not tackled it. I would do what you did today and what you would have done before. I appreciate your thoughts re: TOPS pledge. It felt so distasteful to me, so shame-based but re-writing it hadn't occured to me! Thanks! That works.
BillBlueEyes Was happy to learn something new re: Yellow Pig Day. I am now asking you: what kind of beans do they mean when they call your town Beantown? I am resisting all manner of online searching until I hear your take of it. Credit for bounty from the garden and for getting to the gym and for an okayish dinner.
I am still out here. I was so busy last night trying to get work finished to have my time off. I have brought work with me and my computer and have paid for Internet access for the 3 days I am away but it is worth it to go back to something a little more orderly than if I totally ignored work. They gave me a fabulous room - it is off season so happy to have guests. It is high and on a north facing corner with windows on two sides, one set look north up the beach and the other set look east over the ocean and the surf beach. Very sunny first thing (will need sun glasses in my room but such a lovely view. It will be pleasant to sit here for a few hours a day, when not walking on the beach or eating or shopping, looking at the view and organising subject content. I am happy
I will check in as I can but not sure I will be good at catching up with personals so hi to you all and I will do personals at random and excuse the typos - not good on a laptop keyboard
Gardenerjoy - that is what is so nice about a salad garden in winter isn't it - I can grow coriander and arugula and lettuces and they don't bolt. They just keep producing
Beth - it is good to see you back. This is Cheryl (MFP) - I changed my username and am carefully not using the old one here. I was way too identifiable I am really happy to see you back and no sweets seems like a good plan. I am trying to detox from too may carbs at the moment (won't be too successful on holidays)
flnu - Nice to see all these old name - glad you are recovering
Nationalparker - Thinking of you and this difficult time with your tough military dad who is hanging in there so as not to give in too easily.
Tricia - waving and thinking of you
Credits (not too many today!)
- Checked in
- Ate sitting down
- I stopped eating when satisfied
- Weighed myself
Diet Coaches/Buddies – Walked then walked then walked again, CREDIT moi, on errands as I diddled forward to a major triumph in the plumbing quest to replace the dual shut off valve to our washing machine. Just checked it this morning and it still hasn't leaked a single drop. The major breakthrough was discovering that I could leave the two small parts connected to the plumbing and screw in the new valve. I was so glad to avoid soldering even though I'd fired up my torch and had all the instruments ready to go - lined up like a surgeon in the operating room.
Eating remains problematic, but I remain aware, focusing on getting through my series of tension projects. Snacks do not solve leaks in a newly installed valve - larger O-rings solve valve leaks; there are no calories in O-rings.
onebyone – Yay for the TOPS booklet feeling more current than your first meeting. Congrats for slowly bringing your DH on-board collecting tax info. [Sailors called us 'Beantown' for the ubiquitous Boston Baked Beans - not only cheap, but a good place to use the abundant molasses always arriving from the ships in the Triangle Trade. It's always white beans - not red beans like used in New Orleans.]
Joy (gardenerjoy) – I'll keep reading your post today, "Snacking matched precisely with my written plan," as my mantra for today. [The last of our lettuce is still viable; we get a short overlap with the cukes.]
Debbie (Lexxiss) – Who wants day old blueberry muffins, LOL. Kudos for stepping out of your comfort zone to talk to the paving guys and Super Congrats for getting the paving repaired for less than a quarter of the other estimate.
Cheryl (GosfordGirl) – Your room and view sounds fabulous. Do you walk the beach every day?
nationalparker – Special Kudos for remaining mindful of your eating when facing huge reality. Will visualize you sitting with your dad today.
Beth (bethFromDayton) – Seems wise to be aware that eating too little might lead to cravings. I do understand the issue of moderation with sweets. DW has one (1.0) pieces of chocolate each day. Judith Beck has one candy bar each evening. I admire them both for that. Doesn't work for me.
Tricia (AZtricia) - Goodbye bag of greens. And Awesome day to 'ya, also.
flnu - Thanks for, "I don't have to be hungry" - I sometimes trip up on the Sabotaging Thought that I'll be starving before the next meal. Haven't yet, but the thought keeps returning.
Readers -
Quote:
day 19Stop Fooling Yourself
what are you thinking? You might not have many self-deluding, sabotaging thoughts right this minute. But these thoughts probably will surface later, when you want to eat something you shouldn't. Be prepared and have your responses ready.
Sabotaging Thought: It's okay to eat this because the amount of food is so small. Helpful Response: Just because it doesn't have many calories doesn't mean I should eat it. I shouldn't! I need to use every opportunity I can to break myself of the habit of eating things I haven't planned.
Judith S. Beck, Ph.D., The Beck Diet Solution (Pink book), pg 164.
So I was thinking more about why “no swaps ever” has become such a bright line for me: At some point I had the realization that if my diet success depends on something my future-self will do (as in, now-self can have more at lunch because future-self will have less at dinner), I am doomed. My future-self is completely unreliable. So I focus all my rules exclusively on my now-self: M-F no snacks, no dessert, and one physical plate of food per meal. Sat-Sun yes to all of those. At every moment in time I am definitively OP or not OP. There is no “I can still be OP if I skip dinner” kind of thinking. And if I am not OP at a particular moment (say I am having a snack on W), I am immediately back OP, by definition, the very instant the moment is done. Again, no reliance on future-self to get back to OP. A bonus is that there is no arguing with myself. Another bonus is that OP becomes, conceptually, the default mode. Friday accountability weigh-in: down 1.5 to 158.5.
Nationalparker: Credit for food=ok. I would ask whether you are eating enough? I doesn’t seem at all odd to me that you want to spend every moment looking at your dad.
Onebyone: Thanks for sharing the interesting (and disturbing) hypothesizing about dementia and food.
Tricia: Hi! How’d tracking go today?
GosfordGirl: Get organized is such a fabulous feeling. The only trick will be to not do more than is truly enjoyable.
BBE: Congrats on getting things fixed (soldering!). Bigger kudos on being aware the food is currently being problematic. In the 4-5 months I’ve hung out with you, I have not seen you post such a thing; so I just want to remind you what a long, long successful history you have. One of the early things you taught me was: “That’s not about me.” I think problematic food is not about you more than most.
Staying home today after the day I had yesterday. Lots to do around here including starting work on the "big piece" for my art show=larger in size. I hope to make significant progress with it today.
I hopped on the scale to see the first rise in weight in 4 days: up 1.1lbs. Scales! Unfortunately my scale is passive-aggressive. I use my wii-fit as my scale and it asked me this morning "Now think. What is the cause of your weight gain?" and gave me 8 or 10 choices. I randomly chose "Snacks" and it flashed screens at me telling me not to eat sugary or salty things. I usually choose "I don't know" when it asks me these questions but it then tells me to get it together and figure it out (paraphrasing here). I've thought of replacing the wii-fit with another scale but it hasn't happened. I have been checking in on that scale for 1,974 days. It's keeping track. That's a lot of history I can call up. Someday, probably when I reach my goal weight, I will want to do that.
flnu Your approach is brilliant!
Quote:
At some point I had the realization that if my diet success depends on something my future-self will do (as in, now-self can have more at lunch because future-self will have less at dinner), I am doomed. My future-self is completely unreliable.
My future-self is an unformed mass running amok until it has to sit still and behave in current time. And this is particularly key to your approach I think
Quote:
A bonus is that there is no arguing with myself. Another bonus is that OP becomes, conceptually, the default mode.
To create a system where you fall back to OP mode as the default? genius. Thanks very much for sharing this. I find it extremely helpful.
BillBlueEyes
Quote:
[Sailors called us 'Beantown' for the ubiquitous Boston Baked Beans - not only cheap, but a good place to use the abundant molasses always arriving from the ships in the Triangle Trade. It's always white beans
Question: are you growing these beans in your community garden? is anyone? or were they imported? Kudos for recognizing that the tension is creating the "hunger". It is "easier" and faster, to satisfy the call of hunger than it is to wrestle through the tasks of plumbing. I wonder if this is a part of an instant gratification self-soothing loop? Like success at feeding a hunger = success at plumbing? (hmmm I was just reading about philosophical and logical fallacies and I think it's bled over into here...)
GosfordGirl Your location sounds like heaven to me. Wish I could see the beach and hear the water! Can you tell me what the temperature is there? Credits on your credits especially "stopped eating when satisfied". Awesome.
Thursday - Yellow Pig Day
but such a lovely view. It will be pleasant to sit here for a few hours a day, when not walking on the beach or eating or shopping, looking at the view and organising subject content. I am happy
with your tough military dad who is hanging in there so as not to give in too easily.
waving and thinking of you