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Old 10-20-2006, 11:56 PM   #1  
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Unhappy I rolled off the wagon and into the candy store

**WARNING: the following is a pretty long exploration of my recent string of failures, plus some major food porn (if you're sensitive to mentions of sweet food, don't read on). Proceed at your own risk.**





There are some things that I feel really embarassed about admitting. I'm going to tell you anyway. I really don't know what's going on with me anymore... There's obviously something wrong, as I'm not acting myself, and in fact I'm acting in a rather destructive manner which is counter to everything I want to achieve. I don't know if admitting this will make it better or worse... but damn it, something has to change, or I'm well on my way to a bigger pair of pants.

I'm talking about eating, which has always been a touchy subject for me... growing up as the fat kid in the class makes one sensitive, you know?

Anyway, let me tell you what I've done.
-I've been to Mcdonalds 3 times in the past two weeks. If that wasn't bad enough, each time I ordered for two people and ate it all alone.
-When I go to the grocery store, I buy a dozen doughnuts, eat one or two as soon as I get into the car, and eat the rest within 30 minutes of arriving home. (I have done this twice in the last week.)
-I've bought tubs of ice cream on a couple of occasions which I eat in one sitting. (Twice in the last week.)
-I went back to the grocery store one day specifically because they had a two-for-one sale on packages of 18 bakery cookies. I was sick the day after I ate one of them (the whole 18-count package), and promised myself I'd throw the other one out. Then I proceeded to eat it all anyway.

I've never made a habit of doing this crap to myself before. I did have my little binges (about 3% of the amount of food I've consumed in the past two weeks), but nothing as drastic as this! I feel fatter, more lethargic, unable to concentrate. God knows what would happen if I actually weighed myself.

This isn't who I want to be! I don't understand why I can be so well-versed in healthy eating... know what my body wants, know how to give it those things, but still treat it like ****. What is it that I'm trying to fix by eating? I'm never hungry when I do this. It always happens in the evenings when I get back from school.

And you know what? I really don't like a lot of the crap I put in my mouth! Those cookies I ate? I didn't enjoy them at all. The ice cream? Truth be told, I'm not a big ice cream fan. I've NEVER craved doughnuts in my life, and after eating probably six or seven dozen of them since moving to Charlottesville, I think I should be done with them forever. On the other hand, I love vegetables. I love finding different ways to cook them. I love the way they taste, I love the way they make me feel. There are so many people who hate vegetables but manage to eat them anyway because they're healthy... but I don't have that problem. I crave vegetables. But then when I have the choice, I let the veggies rot in my fridge and eat junk food anyway.

I just don't understand. I know what I want. I want to be healthy and fit. I want to take care of myself. But every single day, I find some way to let myself sabotage myself in my progress. I have not had a binge-free day in over a week.

Maybe I'm filling my stomach with crap to compensate for the giant emptinesses in my life right now. Moving away from everything you know and love is tough (though I'm not going to be so presumptive to say this has only happened to me). Not having Leo here is hard. School is immensely difficult to keep on top of. Finances aren't easy, and I'm not making them better by eating everything in sight on a regular basis.

How can someone have so little control over her own body and impulses and will and actions? I feel like someone else is directing my body! I know what I want! I look at ice cream and say "I don't want this" or "I only want a taste." And then I eat it all anyway. It's like there are two little gremlins in my brain -- one which directs my thoughts and the other which directs my actions.

So yeah, I'm worried. And more than a little scared. I honestly hate what I'm doing to myself.
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Old 10-21-2006, 12:28 AM   #2  
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wow. I am exactly the same way. I don't even want the stuff. I don't even like the stuff. I just got off of work, but instead of just resting, I ended up eating half of the stuff I bought from walmart. I did that all this summer too. I worked outside for 8 hours a day, so it didn't really matter, but it saddens me to think of the weight I could have lost this summer. So basically, I do feel how you feel. I wish there was some way it could stop. It is scary.
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Old 10-21-2006, 12:44 AM   #3  
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This actually brought a tear to my eye because I saw so much of myself in it. I've done the same thing on numerous occasions. I haven't had a full fledged binge in awhile (the last one consisted of mcdonalds, cookies, peanut butter cups, and a pint of ben & jerry's all at once) but I definitely have that gremlin thing going on. Three days in a row now I've eaten like 600 extra garbage I didn't want or need. Twice was a pack of poptarts and ice cream and today I actually went to 7-eleven and bought one of their cake plate sized chocolate chip cookies. The funny thing is I never had much of a sweet tooth either I was much more into snacks and fried foods. Every time I told myself I didn't want and I was actually mad at myself while eating but I couldn't stop.

When I broke down and told my husband about it as well as some other stuff going on he described it as self-defeating behavior. He said anytime I do something good or am proud of myself I subconciously do something to knock myself back down a peg. Ex: not only have I recently lost about 5 pounds but we're moving and I was proud of myself because I've done virtually all the packing, contacted all the utility companies, etc. So what do I do? I go and eat a bunch of garbage so I feel like crap. Have you had anything go right recently? You may be in the same boat as me.

Whatever you discover as your reason just remember that we're all here for support and the majority of us have been exactly where you are.
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Old 10-21-2006, 01:36 AM   #4  
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How do you use knowing what your problem is as a helping thing? I know the reason I binge. I feel bored and lonely. When my roommate is in the room, I never want to eat. However, as soon as she leaves, I'm digging in the fridge. And the, I usually lie about what I eat to her and to myself. I know this. I've almost always known this. But, how do I use knwoing this to my advantage?
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Old 10-21-2006, 01:51 AM   #5  
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Ha, you've got me! I guess it depends on the situation. Like in your case if you know it's when your lonely, maybe plan to call a friend or watch a movie or exercise when you know you're alone? Just a suggestion. As far as the reason I posted as my problem, my husband gave me this I guess "program" for lack of a better word with a workbook and cd's and everything. I haven't done anything with it yet though. I guess that's another one of those self-defeating behaviors!
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Old 10-21-2006, 04:01 AM   #6  
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We all know from being in that situation that simply knowing why, or even telling yourself why, doesn't stop the spoon to mouth automation. But at some point, we have to actually go through the action of reproggramming what we do in these situations in order to beat it.
I've got two "reasons" of my own -
I've always been self conscious eating in front of other people. When I'm alone, it's like I turn into some fridge-seeking robot on automatic. Staying at home with the kids, I can do that all day.
My problem also has to do with my childhood. I grew up very poor in a large family, and food was always very restricted, and with very limited choices. Food was viewed as a kind of luxury, and something we had to either fight for our fair share of or wolf it down before someone else got it. I moved out when I was 16, and I realized hey, it's 1 am, taco bell is open, and I can go! I think I gained 40 pounds the first 3 months on my own. I had a full time job at McD's and was still in high school, and the discounted meals there on a tight budget and very little time to sleep didn't help my weight either. Problem now is, I developed an unhealthy relationship with food. Even if I don't really want the taste, it FEELS good to eat. My view of food as a reward or luxury instead of something that fuels a healthy body makes every day difficult.
Every time I pass a fast food place or see a commercial that makes me salivate, I have to MAKE myself change the train of thought. Just because it's there doesn't mean I have to get it. I have to remember that I'm not still one of six trying to get my share, that food is no longer scarce, and I'm not poor. When I'm home alone I have to MAKE myself gauge whether or not I'm actually hungry, and not just eating because there's no one else there to watch. My internal instinct that should come naturally to eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full doesn't work, and honestly I don't know if it ever will.
I know this is long winded, but the point is that no matter why we have these abnormal behaviors, they can be retrained. We have to take the time to recognize the cause of it, and then have a plan to counteract it, or a healthier behavior to replace it. If you eat out of boredom, maybe start a new hobby. When you feel the urge to eat when you know you're not hungry, learn a craft, surf the net, anything to make you direct the train of thought away from food. It sounds so simple, but it's very easy to tell someone (or yourself) this, and very hard to do it. If it's because you subconciously sabotage a success, start actively rewarding yourself in a non food way-maybe take the money you would have spent on junk food over a couple of days and buy yourself something, even if it's something small-to reprogram the mindset that's created-one that says I'm worth this instead of I shouldn't have good things happen. I hope I'm not sounding like I have all the answers (because I don't) or getting too deep into this, but these posts hit close to home for me. Many of us become overweight for purely emotional reasons and have difficulty breaking the habit, because it has to be a part of our daily lives. Avoidance can be a helpful tool to alter many other bad behaviors. But in this case that's not possible. We can't quit food-we have to learn to live with it.
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Old 10-21-2006, 08:50 AM   #7  
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You don't sound too long winded or like you know all the answers. I think we all know that that is the answer. However, at least for me, seeing it in words and seeing that someone else has really gone through it as well definitely helps and it gives me a better outlook on things. thanks!
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Old 10-21-2006, 10:03 AM   #8  
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oh my goodness - I totally see myself in your post. I have spent a lot of time trying to see why I do this to myself. The best I can come up with is that I am sabotaging myself. Being fat is just such an easy scapegoat for everything that is wrong in my life. Being slimmer demands more from mysefl & sometimes I'm just not ready for that. Good luck with it.
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Old 10-21-2006, 12:09 PM   #9  
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If nothing else, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling with this monster. (Though, whenever I say "it's nice to know I'm not alone," I always have to follow it up with a qualifier: I'm NOT wishing this weird mental battle on anyone, I'm not actually happy that other people have weight problems because they can't stop eating stuff they don't like. I'm always afraid someone will take it that way!)

A lot of what you guys said made sense... and I have the same problem as you, missindy -- I know what makes me eat, so now what? Everyone says the first step is recognizing the causes. Food is definitely a comfort/response to lonliness thing for me. When I feel safe and surrounded by people I love, I don't do this. Though there is a little but of that seek-and-consume robot in me too, where when I'm at my dad's house, if everyone leaves the kitchen and I had spotted some supply of sweet stuff, I'll rush in real quick and stealth-like and eat whatever I saw, while no one is there.

as for self-defeating behavior... I think there is an element of that in here, but not because I'm doing all sorts of great things for myself lately in other departments. I think it can be self-defeating behavior just in that I really know that I want to be healthy, but with every bite of ice cream I spoon into my mouth, I'm definitely precluding any chance of success.

redbeagle, you have a really great suggestion about the food as reward complex. I mean, if I have a string of binge days, I can easily spend at least $20 on junk in three days. That $20 could be used for something like a movie or CD or a new shirt. I think at least part of what's going on with me right now too is that I'm in a tight financial position, so I keep telling myself that I don't have money for anything fun right now, just rent and bills and groceries... and somehow that justifies me buying bad food at the grocery store. Like, if I can't afford to go to a movie, I can go to McDonalds instead because, hey, I have to eat anyway. So looking at it that way might be a useful tool.

I have a "reprogramming" CD too... it's a weight-loss hypnosis thing. When I got it, I listened to it every day for about two weeks, and I did actually feel my relationship with food change. But then I got busy with end of term and moving, so I stopped listening to it, and the suggestions started to wear off. It's sort of strange. I keep intending to go back to it... see if it really did work or if I was just using it as an excuse to change... I have great intentions but terrible follow-through.

I'm determined for today to be "normal". To break the week+ long cycle of binging I've been in. Already the first thing I wanted to do when I went out to get some meds for my cat was to go to some junky place and get bad food... greasy, salty, sugary, anything. I thought about it real hard. And I compromised with myself... that if I really wanted eggs and bacon and fried potatoes for breakfast, I'd make it myself at home. That allowed me to get back home safely without having stopped anywhere first. And now, an hour later, I don't want it anymore. So that part worked. We'll see how the rest of the day goes.

Thanks ladies for your responses. They make me feel better.

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Old 10-21-2006, 01:46 PM   #10  
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Brit, here's an idea to help with the craving for "bad food"... you ever try the 100 calorie snacks? If you haven't, you should... I find them a great way to compromise!

For example, my boyfriend likes to get Oreos, and pre-weightloss I would dig into them with him. Now, when he breaks out the Oreos, I grab a 100 Cal Oreo bag. They are little wafers.. but taste REALLY good. Plus they are inexpensive.. I spent about $6 yesterday on 2 boxes, one with 12 bags of 100 cal popcorn, and the other with 5 bags of doritoes. Both are good.. and are ways I can snack without feeling too bad (I had a bag of the doritoes at work today.. mmm)

Just a suggestion... I'm not sure how much it would help, but they may be useful to help get cravings under control!

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Old 10-22-2006, 02:04 AM   #11  
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Speaking of McDonalds-
Have any of you ever watched that SuperSize Me Documentary? If not-I HIGHLY recommend watching it.
This guy who is totally healthy, and vegetarian to boot, decides to investigate many aspects of the U.S. problem with obesity. He examines school lunch programs and a few other things, but the focus is on McDonald's. He gets all these medical tests along the way, as he vows to eat nothing but Mcds for 30 days. Every meal, and nothing consumed that's not available at Mcds. Now he doesn't just live on the burgers-he also gets salads, water, and yogurt parfaits. At first it makes him sick-he doesn't really want it, and he dreads his next meal. But after only a week or so, he starts to feel sick if he DOESN"T eat it. At the end of the month he's gained 30 pounds or so, and his cholesterol and triglyceride levels have put him on the verge of a heart attack. Out of the whole program, the thing that stuck with me the most was the fact that he physically and emotionally felt like he needed it after such a short amount of time, even though he wasn't overweight nor did he have any food issues prior to doing his experiment. I think junk food can be such a roller coaster for our blood sugar, and that makes it hard to break individual binges-when you talked about waking up wanting fast food-and waiting it out to find you no longer did-sometimes that's not just a food issue like boredom or depression or loneliness, etc. When we wake up is when our blood sugar is lowest. That happens to me SO much, I wake up starving. I actually don't let myself eat for about 2 hours after I wake up, because I know on days that I do I end up eating way more for the rest of the day. Not a problem for everyone, but it is for me-probably because I've somehow damaged my insulin resistance with the way I've eaten for so long (u don't have to be diabetic-I'm not). Blood sugar plays a huge factor in cravings. Blood sugar gets spiked-we feel good and have rev in fuel for energy. That runs out, blood sugar drops, and the body screams for more. I know when I did Atkins I had about 3 days of **** from sugar/starch withdrawals. Not just that I wanted a cookie or was hungry, because the plan encourages to eat WHENEVER you feel hungry, and I did (just no sugar/starches/carbs) but it caused extreme fatigue, headaches, and a wierd kind of cranky, panicky, shaky feeling. I'm not suggesting anyone follow Atkins or low carb-I wouldn't do it again, but it did teach me alot about blood sugar and food combinations that cause or prevent monster cravings.
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Old 10-22-2006, 09:30 AM   #12  
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fae: the popcorn would probably work, since I don't like popcorn much but I've had the oreo ones and the peanut butter cookies ones, and with both boxes, I was good at eating just one of the packs for a little while, then one day I emptied the remaining packages in a bowl and finished it off. I haven't gotten them since

I talked to my fiance about this last night for a long time... and while he can't really understand since he has a very healthy relationship with food mostly, he could still listen and it was good just to talk. Part of my emotional eating right now comes from the fact that I don't have a good support system here, so pretty much everything I feel is bottled up and stored for later random outbursts. Which obviously isn't healthy. So I let myself cry, I let myself feel frustrated and angry and all those good things. It helped.

redbeagle: I have a history of hypoglycemia which appears to come and go. So I know I have underlying blood sugar problems which are aggrivated by stress... And I know that when it's low, I get giant cravings for carbs. That's definitely part of the problem. I tried out South Beach for a week last week (well, not very well because of all the junk in the evenings!). I'm like you, though -- I don't want to do low-carb anymore but even my one week on it taught me a good deal about the way I eat and what causes cravings. And part of the reason why I binged so hard in the past week was probably because I was low-carbing during the day, and by the time I got home in the evenings it was too much for me to handle. But then the binges just carried on through...

And yes, I've seen SuperSize me. I did enjoy it (does anyone watch his TV show, 30 Days? I've been curious about it)... it was pretty scary! It definitely made me want to steer clear of McD's for a looong time. Maybe I should go buy that movie and watch it every time I crave McDonalds! And I bet there was something about it that did make me a little addicted with how much I ate in such a short time..... after that initial McD's urge yesterday which I avoided, I haven't thought about it since. Problem is they're doing that Monopoly thing right now and I managed to collect a couple of free food ones during my binges... Now what am I going to do with a free breakfast sandwich? (Throw it away, I guess?)

I think that all this talking about the problem and not keeping it "secret" as bingers are wont to do is really helping me break the cycle I'm in right now. Yesterday wasn't perfect, but was a far cry from any day I've had in about two weeks. Thanks ladies I'm feeling better already.
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Old 10-23-2006, 11:23 AM   #13  
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Brit Just thought you could use a

And, I have to say... "Food Porn" is the best description of ANYTHING I've heard in a long time. Thanks for the giggle!

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Old 10-23-2006, 11:49 AM   #14  
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Brit, I just want to say that I have been in your shoes and everyday is a struggle to not go back to my binging ways. I used to work at a grocery store, not the place to work when you want to lead a healthy lifestyle, and would binge all day long. I would eat donuts in the morning, my candybar snack, greasy food from the fast food deli, another candybar for a snack, and then I would by crap and eat it on the way home and then cook a big meal for my husband and I. Like you my problem was that I moved away from all of my family and friends. What got me out of this binging mode, I started to make new friends and became more comfortable with my surroundings. From there it was easier. I know you are busy with school, but try joining club or volunteer group. Get out and explore your new community. You will get through this and back to wanting the veggies you like so much, man I envy you!
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Old 10-24-2006, 03:34 PM   #15  
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Quote:
The best I can come up with is that I am sabotaging myself. Being fat is just such an easy scapegoat for everything that is wrong in my life. Being slimmer demands more from mysefl
This is so true for me! Sometimes I'm really afraid to lose the weight; in my head it means I'm going to have to grow up and get my life together. Also, I've been hiding my body and myself for so long, I'm scared I won't know how to handle the attention the other side of me is hoping the new bod will get.

I trying to focus more on the now and the next five pounds than worry too much about the future. Hopefully, once we clear this hurdle and start feeling good about ourselves, the temptation to self-sabotage won't even be there. We'll know that we've come too far, worked too hard, and sacrificed too much to go back. Fingers crossed on that one!

And Food Porn! Bwahaha!
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