[Sakai]

Everyone... I need a slap in the face or something. Sometimes I feel really stupid.
Well as the thread title says, My Ex and I are friends but we're just WAY to comfortable with each other. It's just so confusing because the line between friends and relationship is so blurred to us.
It's almost as if we've got back together.
I think it's because, now that we are friends, I've stopped nagging about where he was, what he was doing, with who, why, when? I've been telling myself that what he does now is none of my besswax. And I asked him..."what is different between the relationship we had then, and the relationship we have now? I don't care what you do when you are not with me."
I swear everyone, I saw the gears turning in his head.
I hate having false hopes. Like one day he'll relize that and would want to get back together. But it almost dosn't seem to matter because it's like we've already gotten back together.

Okay, for example... this weekend was fair weekend and my Ex took me to the fair to have fun. well I ran into a old friend I hadn't seen for almost 5 years. So we stopped and talked a bit and then she asked..." Is this your boyfriend?"
I was like " Um... kinda, no" and started shaking my head. I was just going to say we were close friends. But I looked over at my ex and he was nodding and said " Yeah I am."
I like stood there for a moment and just looked at him. Needless to say my old friend looked a bit confused at the different answers. I wanted to ask him why he told her he was? did he want to get back together? Did he not want things to seem weird? what was up? But I didn't. I didn't want to dive into every little detail that might point to what he want's to do. because well it would just be annoying lol.
Now.. 3 days later.. I really do wish I had asked. @_@

I don't know if I'm just reading too much into things. I hate this middle ground feeling where it feels I'm ridding the fence with him.

He's even started holding my hand again. Something he didn't do after we broke up, even if we were alone. I always held my hand out for him to take, out of pure habbit. but he wouldn't take my hand, just step up beside me. And the other night while we were just window shopping to kill time, he started holding my hand right out of the blue.
It seems so Childish. You know.. like 9th graders (OMG he's holding her hand *squeel*) but my Ex always acted out the way he feels. If he's upset or sad he closes up, and sometimes refuses to let himself be touched. If he's happy, he moves and talks really fast and has to touch everyone near him (depending on the story he's telling at the time lol)

So yeah, his actions are very confusing. and I admit that I am guilty of crossing the line between friends too. But I've always asked if it was okay that I curl up with him when we talk, or set a goodnight kiss on his cheek. (most of the time he's the one who kisses first, but I still ask)... and he seems very relaxed about the whole thing. and he's not that way with everyone. He's spending oodles of time with me.. @_@ almost far more than we did when we were a couple.
We are avid pool players and we flirt shamelessly when we play together. and I mean the really bad flirting too... lol

Anyways.. I don't know really what to do... I know being friends with a ex is bad because we're just so comfortable with each other. But he really does seem to want me around, and is happy when I'm with him. He never seems to mind how close we are. He's told me he wants to get back together at some point in time, but he want's to fix his issues ( guilt, fear, penting up emotions ect.) yet he has done very little to step in that direction.
I hate asking about it and talking so much about it because I feel I'm nagging and I'm just diving too deep into simple actions.

Am I just thinking too much?

[nelie]

I think you need to make a clean break for yourself. Or else you will have this guy lingering on for a while and one or both of you will end up getting hurt. I've tried to remain friends with guys I used to date and it didn't really work out too well.

[techwife]

You need to put some serious distance between yourself and this guy. Treat it like a drug addiction or quitting smoking, but with a full pack of cigarettes in your pocket. You NEED to get rid of the pack in order to fully heal from the addiction...just like you NEED to get away from the EX in order to fully get over him.

[lilybelle]

Maybe start by doing some soul searching. Make a list of the reasons you two broke up in the first place. There has to be a reason or he wouldn't be the EX. Explore the pros and cons of continuing to see him. Such as , it limits your ability to meet new men with all the time still spent with him. Think it through, it's easy to lose sight of why the breakup ever occurred.
As far as my Ex's are concerned, I wouldn't step across the street to spit on them if they were on FIRE. But, that's just me and no break-up is ever one-sided. I'm sure they feel the same about me. LOL

[drake3272004]

WOW. That sounds like me and my husband, way back in the day. We had been together for a couple of years, but it had been really rocky and then he had some "issues" that came up that really sent him into a tail-spin depression. I tried sticking it out, but we just weren't able to make it work. We stayed close for quite awhile and I kept thinking that we were going to get back together, but he still seemed so distant at times. So after a year of that, I just cut things off with him, and I started dating other people. Two years after we had broken up, I was single again and he was getting his life back on track. He was a bit paranoid for awhile that I was going to leave him, but I really wasn't the one that had broken it off----he was, I just made it final.
You really need to think about what you want........and sit down with the Ex and find out what he really wants. What had he planned on doing to "fix" his problems? Was he going to see a therapist?

[phantastica]

Sakai, it's time to dump this guy, just my opinion. If you make a clean break and he's truly serious about this, he will step up to plate and do whatever you request. Seems to me he's just taking what he can from the situation ... you know the whole, "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" idea.

You're on such a good roll right now ... get out and celebrate!

[Sakai]

lol Phantastica.. my best friend told me the very same saying.
Canfeild- yes he was going to see a profesonal(sp) about his issues and depression.

Well. Yeah to be very Honest about everything, I really do wish I could just say. " I don't want to be friends." to just wash my hands of it and move on. But ( being honest here)... I'm afraid. you know the whole "what if's" what if it's my only chance at a companion. what if he really wants to get back and sees my not wanting to spend time with him as abandonment.
But I hate feeling this hurt, and I know it will stop if I go. I just don't want to be so lonely.
I know I need to put myself out there and find someone else. But it's like... where do I go? I don't drink and I don't like being around drunk people so i don't go to bars. And other than a bar, the only other place people hang out at is at a church... or Wal-mart. And I'm not even Christian and I know how tough it can be with a person of another religion At least my Ex and I are of the same religion.
So I'm always afraid that I'll be alone. I know it's a silly fear, being I have family around me.. but really, family isn't the same. My one best friend is moving away soon and well it just feels that everything I care for is going away and it's scary. So the last thing I want to do is push away from the one person who means the most to me.

Though I really wish that I could. I don't have the strength for it yet.
-_- I don't know what to do.

[BerkshireGrl]

Just my 2 cents gained from experience:

You're not going to get stronger if you use him as a crutch.

I think you need to get comfortable being single and alone. Learn to like your own company and your own hobbies. Join some clubs or look into groups that do stuff you like. Then, with your self esteem well-developed and your sense of self strong, you could meet someone and not be entirely dependent on them for feeling at ease in your life.

Until you reach that point, you're going to continue having these ups and downs and be all torn about what to do. Get strong... and move on from him.

[nelie]

Let me tell you something... he is not your only chance at a companion. A lot of women stay in unhappy relationships because they are scared of being alone. There is some guy out there for you that will love you and treat you how you deserved to be treated. This is coming from someone who met the love of her life at the age of 30 and is getting married at the age of 31. If I had stayed with guys I dated and didn't belong with, I would've never met my DF. Life with him is so much better and so much different than any other relationship I've ever had. Even if I had to be 40 (or older) by the time I met him, it would've been worth the wait.

[techwife]

Sakai: Nelie's right. You just might be missing out on hooking up with someone you really click with, being hung up on this guy. Berkshire Girl's also right that you need to feel comfortable being alone and happy. Either way, there is no room in your life for this guy...it's totally self destructive to keep him around. Ditch him.

[midwife]

Make some new friends. Your relationship with this guy is destructive. He is using you because he can....You are letting him use you. I hate to sound so harsh, but my advice to you if you were my sister would be to make a clean break. You need to be around healthy people with boundaries.

[Sakai]

True, I need to make new friends and have new guys around me if possible. when a person has guy friends they don't really feel the need for a boyfriend as much. Least that was how I felt in high school. ^_^.
I always had the thought that I could "fix him" but I know that he can only fi himself, and even then... only if he really wanted to.
He suffered a nasty blow yesterday. His grandmother died, a lady who he was very close to. He stayed with me and I let him grieve for as long as he needed. He cheered up lots later on last night when he played some pool with me. ( pool is very calming to us... strange?)
It was very weird, seeing him breakdown in such a emotional level. It hurt me to see him so sad. Anyways..( getting way off track here). I'm going to slowly start setting up some boundaries with him. Pulling away little by little, not only for him but for me as well.

I am comfortable being with myself. I've been by myself for a while. I had to rase myself for a few years. (dad moved away and my grandmother worked out of town. so I was alone for 2 weeks at a time, then my grandmother would come for the weekend) I was in the 8th grade when this started, so yeah.. I know how to be alone and how to take care of myself. I think I'm just tired of it now. @_@
my hobbies use to be just reading. taking myself to different worlds and such. I kinda figured that it was starting to be a bad thing because I became a bit detached to reality for a bit when I was younger lol.
But I have a few different hobbies. Nothing cool or major, there is only so much you can do in a tiny desert town. Mostly art and now my dad is teaching me to be a pool shark like him lol He even bought me my own cue stick the other day. Woot!

Thanks for the much needed words of wisdom. I feel calmer, like I know everything will be alright in time. and I like that feeling ^_^

[Hale_Mary]

Hey,

I have never understood why couples try to remain friends after a break-up. I could understand becoming friends again after some time has passed, but you can't go from intimate to buddies in one swoop.

This kind of arrangment seems to make things so much more painful. You're constantly picking your wounds and keeping them fresh, so what hope do you have of moving on?

Let me repeat what has already been said; this guy is not your only chance. Frankly, having him around will probably kill your motivation to look around and take some chances.

I'm sorry that your ex has Depression. One of my ex boyfriends also had mental health issues and it was this guilt that made me stick around longer than I should have. But that's no reason to stay with somebody and the sooner you make a clean break, the quicker you both can heal.