[MrsKeltsy]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years now (our anniversary was yesterday), needles to say where my problem comes in....he FORGOT!!!

This is not the first time that my anniversary....birthday....mother's day hasn't been special in anyway. Our very first anniversay I never got anything (and by that I mean a card), he jumped out of bed that morning and went over to my inlaws capming trailer (they were over here doing some farming) and was visiting and they must have reminded him that it was our anniversay and so when he came back he came in and gave me a kiss and said "happy anniversary". Second and he got me a card and that is all that I would want, third anniversary comes and I have to buy myself a card and he just signed it, fourth anniversary comes around and no card no nothing. Last night when he got home from work I thought I would go to him and give him a kiss and say it, all he did was smile and I said "you forgot didn't you" and he said "yes.....now go and get mad". I had his card in my hand and went and threw it in the garbage without giving it to him.

The thing that pisses me off the most is that that night before our anniv. I told him that the little things are what mean the most to me like saying I love you, and just doing something for me once in a blue moon. THen the next day he forgets our anniv???

This is also what happens on my birthdays and Mother Day's. He tells me I'm not his mother, and I tell him no I am your kids' mother and they aren't old enough ( 3 years and 1 years old) to get me a card, so that is where you come in!!!

I don't know what to do anymore, this is really upsetting me. To tell the honest truth our marriage from day one till now has gotten better each year (minus the birhtday, anniversaries and mother day). He does alot with our kids and helps me out. But those few days out of the year are suppose to be special ones.

I slept in my daughters room last night and he came in and asked me to come to bed in our room and I didn't. This morning he comes in and asked me to make his lunch and I didn't so he got pissed and was slamming cupboards while he was making his own lunch.

I know this long, but please give me your honest opinion and suggest what I should do!!!!!!!

[kaplods]

What is REALLY important in your life? You said that your marriage gets better each year except for his forgetfulness regarding dates. Are the little things really the most important?

I have a unique point of view on this, as I am perhaps the only woman on the planet who does not keep track of important dates. One year, I even nearly forgot my own birthday (not out of denial).

My husband and I will be married 4 years in November, so we're still practically newly weds. We had to be apart on our second anniversary because he had gotten a new job in Wisconsin that started immediately (I followed after I had put in my two weeks notice). I didn't send a card, but was intending to call him on our anniversary. I forgot, he remembered (he's usually as bad with dates as I am, we remember a relative's birthday the day of, if we're lucky).

We tease each other about it, and try to be better, at least for our moms who are likely to be upset if we forget, but dates just dont "click" for us. Now that we have to live by an appointment calendar for doctors visits and such, we've been better because we write everything down, but now it's just the day before (when we check) rather than the day of, that we are reminded.

Not that we don't do nice little things for each other all of the time. I keep a stack of "non-occasion" funny and romantic cards that I sometimes hide in places he will find them, and he brings me home flowers and other small surprises, "just because."

If dates are important to you, you can hope he remembers (but he won't) and then get mad, or you can help him remember and plan to celebrate together. "Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'd like some flowers or a nice card," "Sunday is Mother's Day, why don't you take the kids shopping tomorrow?", "Our anniversary is in two weeks, why don't we plan something fun?"

[GoingGoal]

Hi Lindsey,

I can feel your pain. I have been there. I have been married to my DH gong on 19 years now. We have three children. Our daughter is 15, son 13 1/2, and son 8. Our first anniv. was a disaster!! Our Anniv. date is 9/5 which falls right around Labor Day weekend every year. ( For those planning a wed. don't do this. Traffic was horrible and half our guests were late to our wedding. lol ) For our first anniv. darling hubby was invited to go with the guys to Tahoe. I whined and complained. He justified by saying he would be back on the date of our anniv. Well the day came and he called me on the trip home and asked me to drive up and meet him half way at my mother-in-laws!! He said we would do something fun in Sacramento. I was not happy but got in the car and went. It was the hottest day of the year, traffic was so bad that people were turning off their cars on the freeway! Thankfully he learned to never do that to me again. Over the years if I don't remind him several times that my birthday or whatever is coming up he will forget. I usually only get a card. On Christmas, except for last year because my kids are getting older, I usually only have one gift under the tree and it is usually jewelry. I have come to hate getting jewelry as a gift I feel like it is such an easy way out. For Mothers day I start planting a bug in the kids ears and send them to their dad. Anyway what I am getting down to is that no he is not a romantic and never will be. His family never had birthday parties and such. I thought that if I did stuff like that for him that he would be so grateful that he would turn around and do the same for me. Wrong! I have found that they grow and mature over the years yes but they are who they are. I look at my husband now and say no he is not a romantic but he is a good provider, I couldn't ask for a better father for our kids. He is not the disciplinarian he is the good time dad but he is an involved dad. He goes to their sports games, since I have to go to work before the kids get up he gets them up and off to school in the morning. (But let me add to that, that was not until the last one was starting kindergarten. When the first two were younger so was he so this is one of those time maturing things.) Anyway I had to look at what good things I had. Other wives had the romantic but I have things in my husband that they don't have. Try not to look at other peoples marriages as "I wish I had him" because there are no perfect marriages. So I still just get a card, as long as I hit him over the head with reminders or use the kids as messengers, but in the long run that's okay with me becuase what I do have is worth keeping.

[da fat n da furious]

Colleen, I must be the second woman on this planet then cause I too tend to forget certain dates that I shouldn't be forgetting.
For me that 1 day isn't as important as the rest of the days in the year...

The first few years we didn't have the money to buy each other gifts,,,so we made sure to let each other know how we felt...usually with words,,,or small things done for each other.

Lindsay, my husband said the same thing,,,your not my mom so I don't need to buy you anything... my mom was the one to pull him aside and say,,,you are right,,,she isn't your mom,,,but she is the mother of your children,,,and you as their dad have to teach them how to celebrate this day,,,as she will do for father's day. I got 3 cards they made,,, the children are almost 19 and 14, I still have those cards.

I think you need to pick your battles,,,and its up to you to decide if this is worth sleeping apart?

[jules1216]

My husband always forgets my bday, mothers day, anniversary etc--he gives me money to buy my own Christmas gift and then expects me to wrap it an put it under the tree. Yes I was upset about it at first but we've been together for over 20 years-he is a great father, even to my son who was only 1 when we met, pays bills on time, helps around the house, keeps my car going and is always there for me. Those things mean more to me than a couple of days that he forgets.

[chick_in_the_hat]

Well...woman #3 checking in (after Colleen & Angelia)....I usually forget our anniversary if my Mom doesn't remind me...DH is the same. And we will be on our 20th anniversay this year...so it ain't like it's sumpthin new.
If I want him to remember something I remind him specifically....hinting doesn't work! If I had kids I would think they would be very useful for this...
I guess what you need to evaluate is what is more important...a few days out of the year or the year as a whole where he is being a good husband? Remember - it's an awful lot of work to find a suitable upgrade for husbands....good ones are fairly hard to come by as many are already taken.

[DeafinlySmart]

My husband is a romantic so no worries for me. At the same time I never assume anyone will remember (and once I forgot an anniversary and left town). I tell everybody it is my birthday. I remind my husband a few weeks in advance that our anniversary is coming. Some years I plan it. Some years he suprises me with something. We treat it as a joint venture. As for mother's day, unfortunately many men feel that way about the holiday. A friend of mine once said fine for a whole year she didn't get her hubby anything for any of the personal holidays. He noticed. He didn't like it.

[Tara D]

Did his family make a big deal of birthdays, holidays, etc? Did yours? It may just be that you two have grown up with different ideas about what certain days mean. I grew up in a family where we have been know to postpone birthday celebrations (which were nothing big) for several months, and no one ever thought it really made a difference. My brother and I have birthdays about 3 weeks apart, and until I was about 8, we always just did our birthdays (just an at home thing--no party) on the same day. So, I've never been attached to specific dates. Was he different when you were dating? Maybe the two of you just are on different planets regarding this issue.

[shoots-alot]

hi, Lindsay, I am so sorry you had a bad anniversary, I can speak from exsperience I know just how you feel!! I have a great husband with the exception he forgets most of the time to. He usually use's the excuse his meds causes him to forget but, to me he remembers what he wants went it concerns him. Sometimes he remembers and he so sweet, he never has forgotton Valentines day but, we have NEVER celebrated our anniversary and we will be married 20 years in October, I got 2 cards in all that time and the second card my daughter had to yell at him. I've talked to my husband to and he'll just get mad an say I'm *****'en. I have always went all out for him to for all occasions but the last 2 years I haven't to see if that would change him but, it didn't. I'm dying to see what happens for our 20th but, I am sure he won't forget but, he won't do anything speacil. all I can suggest is what my daughters do and they mark in on a calendar on the fridge so he can see it.

[lilybelle]

My DH isn't great with the holidays either. He forgot my B-day once about 3 yrs. ago. I was pretty upset and it hasn't happened since. I usually buy him more expensive gifts for his B-day than he gets me. Such as guns, and hunting junk. However, He always does a good job at Christmas with nice jewelry and such for me. Our anniversary is usually just a nice dinner out, I forgot it this year, but he remembered it. As for mother's day, he doesn't usually get me anything, but I always at least get him a new shirt or something small such as tie. He isn't perfect by far, but from the previous men I've been with, he looks like a God to me. He is a good father and good husband and our life is happy. He has stuck with me when I was horribly sick and very over-weight, and cared just as much about me as he does now. I know that I can count on him to be here for me and our family and that is way more important than any gift I may or may not receive.

[rochemist]

I have had fabulous birthdays and anniversaries, but its because I take it on myself to plan it. His job is to look good and show up. He got mad at me this year because I even bought a dozen roses for myself for my birthday. He will suprise me from time to time.

I think we have to empower ourselves to have the lives we want, much like weightloss. Best you and be gentle to yourself and those you love.
Miss Chris

[chrily]

Okay...gotta check in on this subject too. My husband is one of the forgetful types too. Its just something he doesn't think about. I get upset sometimes and later get over it. My problem is and always will be the remarks I get if I mention he forgot something...those hurt worse. Like you mentioned your husband saying "I forgot...now go get mad." My husband does that all the time and that hurts alot, he just doesn't know it. If he would just say sorry or something instead of "I know what your reactions going to be so I just say those things to make you mad." Guys are a peculiar group of people. They say women are hard to figure out! But like most of the other ladies mentioned, he is a terrific father and a great husband. THere is always going to be bumps and troubles along the way. No marriage is perfect I guess.


Chris

[fitbyforty]

I understand how disappointed you must feel.If he refuses to be considerate then i suggest you take things into your own hands.Have your own celebration.buy yourself something nice,take a friend to a fancy restaurant.Just because he won't celebrate the important dates doesn't mean you shouldn't.Maybe he will get the message.

[liz321]

The way I see it....if something is important to you or your spouse and you are open and honest about it then the other person should make an effort to try harder.

Luckily my husband is very thoughtful and lives to please me and my daughters.......

The bottom line is that you are hurt because these special things are what you desire....and it isn't like you are expecting him to read your mind...you tell him...it sounds to me like you are feeling hurt and it is probably about more than a card or flowers.

When we were first married....our first anni....I planned it.....booked a room in the hotel we stayed in on our wedding night, tickets for dinner theater, put his suit in the closet, champagne on ice etc...gave him a card with the hotel key in it....it was awesome....we agreed that we would take turns each year planning after that..and that is what we have done for the last 16 years..they haven't always been fancy....some years when we were busy and the kids were young it was natchos and beer, or a movie....we usually keep it a surprise, but we usually start talking about it ahead of time....

If this is a good marriage....then you just have to keep working away at making your needs known and coming up with creative solutions to making special days special. sometimes we have learning curves on these matters.

Hang in there! Let us know how things go.

On a side note...........If my husband ever woke me up to make his lunch he wouldn't ever see another anniversary....that is entirely selfish of him...it would be different if I was up and making lunches and decided to make him one but to wake me and just expect it would rub me the wrong way.

IMHO

Liz

[MrsKeltsy]

Thank you all very much for your opinions, they were what I was looking for. It has cooled me down quite a bit. I do realize that overall a couple of days out of the year isn't what makes a marriage, but do I just settle and accept it??

I know in the end he is a good man and he takes very good care of our family. But if I have to constantly remind him of my birthday, mothers day, and our anniversarie that's not right. And if I have to tell him to do things for me like get me this or do this, I should just do it myself then. The whole thing of it is to see what he will do for ME. And by the way it is always marked on the calender with hearts and what not for our anniversary.

I do so many little things for him that I wouldn't think REMEMBERING our anniversary would be too much to ask. I have bought him a hunting camo hat and subscribed him to a hunting magazine and that was just in the last month. I just don't think it is acceptable for me to be doing these things for him and not getting anything in return.

I know and I will remember that there are bumps in the road and our overall marriage is more important to me than a couple of days. As Lilybelle said " I know that I can count on him to be here for me and our family and that is way more important than any gift I may or may not receive." I totally agree with that.

On a side note as well...his family does birthdays all the time, his dad bought his mom a new wedding set for their 25th and on their 30th it was my father-in-laws idea to throw a gathering for the both of them. My DH sister and brother are both having major problems in their marriages and me telling him how I feel (he doesn't ever have to worry about me not doing that lol) over the past 5 years that it would be nice for him to do a little something like that for things, you would think it would mean something to him. Like seeing his sister go through a seperation and he knows quite well that it hurts me when he does this. You would think it would kind of be an eye opener.

I guess it comes down to the fact that everything he does on an everday basis IS more important to me.....it just hurts alot at the same time.

I really appreciate all of your guy's opinions